May 15, 2018

I woke on Caden's birthday well before I usually wake.  Anxiety is better than any alarm clock.  It gave me time to get some flowers and head to the cemetery by myself.

I got the other kids off to school and got to spend the afternoon at the temple.  When I returned, I got a flower delivery from Kimberly.  A few hours later, I got another one.

"Steph, they're both from me, but they're not both from me.  I went on last night (May 14th) to find a floral place I liked.  I put in some information online, getting a reply that I'd get an invoice sent to my email.  But I never did.  I called, but only got an answering machine.  I checked first thing this morning, still nothing.  So I ordered from another place.  Those are the flowers you got first.  I never paid for that second bouquet!"  The owner of the business of the second bouquet (the original choice) actually delivered them to me, it's a home-based business.  A beautiful bouquet delivered without payment.  That woman has my business forevermore!

We went to a show as a family, and came home to a gift delivered from the Richland Seminary kids.

A 17' birthday card for the 17-year old boy.  Oh, the tears!  I read every single one as it was laid out on that driveway.  So amazing!!

A woman happened to walk by as we were trying to get a picture.  She couldn't have refused me even if she wanted to.  I was practically shoving the camera into her hand, snail trails and tears falling down my face.  She most likely felt sorry for the crazy woman on Fuji Way.

My goodness, this is a beautiful gift from kids that a mom prays her children will be close to!

I am not going to lie: I woke wanting the day to just be over.  I cried a ton.  Birthdays are my thing, something that I really look forward to, plan, and enjoy doing for my family.  I love impromptu singing, screaming it out to embarrass at random, and everything associated with showering the birthday person with love and joy and excitement and silliness.  But there wasn't much of any of those emotions this year.  May 15th just isn't the same anymore.

Happy 17th Birthday, Caden!

We love and miss you terribly!

100's of comments on social media, many emails, texts, and phone calls, strawberry shortcake, ice cream (only for me), cards, and two floral arrangements were all sent throughout the day.  Thank you to all that helped us mourn a day that used to hold so much hope, and celebrate The Boy in the Bed!

Caden's Gift

When Randy and the boys returned from Father and Sons, and while we were cleaning out the car and putting everything away, Randy told me that he had a gift for me, something that he'd hidden in the back of the car for a few weeks, something from Caden for Mother's Day.  I immediately started bawling.

Randy had been slipped the gift while we were at the boys' Pinewood Derby a few weeks earlier.  They'd gotten it from a friend with instructions to give it to me at the "right time."  Randy chose to give it to me on Saturday afternoon, since he knew it may have a huge impact, probably make me cry and cause a headache, which is known to happen.  Often.  He told me he wanted to be there when I opened it, but that I could at any time I chose.  He knew I needed time to prepare myself.  I am so grateful he gave me that time.

I was clueless as to who could have helped orchestrate this gift from Caden, since it was Randy that had helped with the gifts for Caden's siblings.  He said it wasn't him, but that I'd know immediately whom it was.  And, oh, how I did!  The second I opened the wrapped gift, I knew:  Sunny.

 It was a bound book of pictures from our first and last photo shoot, some I've seen, but many I have not.  As I flipped through, viewing some fun candids of the kids, I remembered that there was a portion of the shoot in January 2016 where she asked Randy and I to go somewhere else while she did something special with the kids.  We got a few from that special time, but not all.  It's these in this book that leave me breathless.

I first looked at all of their faces.  I'm not going to lie, I looked at Caden's first, moving to the girls and then to the boys.  Look at how happy they all look, how precious.  And then I noticed that Caden was holding something.  When I turned the page, I got a better look at what it is...

Look at his little boy hands!  Look at how chubby his sweet fingers were!!  I wanted to reach through and kiss those fingers, hold them one more time.  And then it hit me-- I knew what was in the case.

THE necklace.  Sunny had worked with Caden on this project.  She had it planned before she ever met with us, before she ever MET us.  And she had kept it for me for 2.25 YEARS!

As I held the necklace in my sweaty hands as millions of tears fell from my cheeks, the grandeur of this gift cannot be described.  Sunny told me that when we met at the temple grounds in 2017 (a year that we thought would never happen after finding that second 2-pound tumor), Caden asked if she still had the necklace.  "He was a man stuck in a boy's body," my Sunny wrote.

 I was able to wear the necklace near my heart this first Mother's Day without him, rubbing it whenever I thought of him, kissing it multiple times that day.

I have received so many gifts from people in reference to Caden, gifts that I plan to capture in pictures soon, but this gift, a gift that Caden actually held and kissed and worried over, will forever hold a magical place in my heart.  Caden's life and legacy is an inward spiritual gift for my heart.  This necklace he gave me, that Sunny saved for this perfect moment in time more than two years later, is an outward physical gift for my healing heart.

I love you, Caden.

I miss you, son.

Thank you for my gift!

  ~Love, Mom.

Professional

I was freaking exhausted today and ended up laying down for a nice 3.5 hour nap after the kids got home from school.  They were so good to let me sleep, even going so far as to make themselves dinner.  It sure is nice that they're so independent when I really need to rest.

I woke to the smell of bacon.  I was equal parts impressed and concerned that Tyson had the George Forman Grill out and was making his own bacon.  It's precooked, so he could have just used the microwave, but he wanted to show he could use the big guns.

"Well, I'm not a professional yet, I still need to flip the bacon with a paper towel instead of the tongs.  But I'll get there."

Professional.  He cracks me up.  I was also super impressed that he cleaned the grill without prompting, putting it away and cleaning off the counter when he was done.  That rarely happens with the grill or the quesadilla maker.

As I was making myself comfortable on the couch, I asked if there was another show we could watch-- Rise of the Guardians is just not one of my favorites.

Brennon, "AWE! Why couldn't you have slept for another hour and 37 minutes?!  I really want to watch this!"

All mother guilt went out the window hearing these words.  I had to giggle.  We watched the show.

Spa Day?

Randy and the boys left for Father and Sons campout at 3:00pm, so the girls and I did too!

 We picked up my friend, Rebecca, and headed to the nail salon.  We got manicures, she choose a pedicure.  She should have chosen manicures, since the girl didn't speak much English and ended up ripping out an ingrown toenail on the spot!  Rebecca said, half joking, "Guess it's less than the cost of a surgery."

We stopped off at Winco after for some good ole fashioned bulk candy.  YUM!

Since we had time to spare, we stopped for dinner before Shelby's show.  The kids begged for Panda Express.  We settled on Applebees instead.

Shelby had her school's talent show, where she was asked to perform with her Marimba Band.

 As always, she did amazing.  Even if she had a bit of a scowl the entire time.  She reminds me of myself when I play the piano.  We concentrate so hard to perform perfectly, we looked ticked executing it.

 Favorite song: Eye of the Tiger!

 We went back to Rebecca's for some candy and a show.

With a cinema size screen and surround sound, we enjoyed ourselves immensely! 

We miss the men while they're away, but it's always fun to have just us time.

"Mom, we did the zipline!"

"Yeah, but did you get your toenails ripped out?  No?!  We win!"

Mother's Day 2018

 Mother's Day 2018

The sun is shining so bright today, which warms our skin but burns our eyes as we try to smile at the camera.  The cemetery was busy today, full of flowers (some fake) and people honoring their mothers.  Or families like mine, where I'm the mother getting a picture with all of her kids. 

Because Caden was born on the Tuesday after Mother's Day (just like this year), Randy was technically the first one to officially celebrate Father's Day after Caden came from heaven.  It feels surreal that I am the first one to celebrate Mother's Day after the child that officially made me a mother went back to heaven.  I still cannot believe that my firstborn child died.

*Flowers came from Jennifer Elsberry.  I used them for the pictures alone, taking them to and from the photo shoot.  They brighten my kitchen just as much as they brighten my heart.

Long Lash Comparison

While Brennon was sleeping after getting his not-loose molar broken and ripped from his unyielding gum, I was struck by how similar his eyes are to a picture I had of Caden's eyes.  While Brennon's eye lashes aren't as thick and dark as Caden's, they're still just as long.  It was bittersweet to compare these beautiful, sleeping eyes. 

Remember? YES!

 With blood pressure cuff on his arm, a pulse/ox on his thumb, sunglasses on his face, and headphones on his ears, Brennon was ready for the second attempt at extracting that molar.

 Here is the x-ray of that tooth.  Shooting from the cheek to the back of the throat, you should see the side of the tooth with the roots growing from jaw to gum.  Instead, you're looking at the top of that molar, growing from his "tongue" space out his cheek.  You can also see the metal spacer they needed to place in order to hold open the spaces from when he got all four incisor teeth yanked December 27th.

 They gave him some medicine to make him more sleepy and numbed him up with the maximum dose like the day before.  We were told he wouldn't remember.  But as Brennon was looking at these pictures this morning, he started to recount many things that he "should not" remember.  He needed to squeeze my hands really tight, because it hurt so bad.  He was screaming so much they had to stop like 17 times.  His movie ended, so he chose another one, but the doctor didn't remember right away.  It hurt so much that his body started to shake and he couldn't stop crying.  They had to cut around his gum and break the tooth to get it out.  He remembers it all this morning.  And it breaks my heart.  Because what we witnessed yesterday is something I will never forget.  30 minutes of pure agony and suffering began once he was sufficiently numb.

 Dr. Walker knew that he was adequately numb because Brennon didn't comment, or even really move, as he was breaking the tooth/root/nerve.  However, any time he started to actually pull the tooth, Brennon screamed bloody murder.  The sheer size of the root that is embedded in the flesh, pulled and tugged and wiggled and pushed, creates a vacuum effect and a lot of pressure.  It's the pressure that was hurting him.  A LOT.  Just like a body stuck in quicksand, you need a lot of pressure to pull it out, many times loosing shoes, socks, and possibly even pants as you're extracted, wrenching arms and legs and all your strength.

It was not the same "anesthesia" Caden had when he broke his arm.  Caden actually had time where they monitored him as he came to.  He never went fully under, losing all consciousness, but he was way more "out" than Brennon.  Caden got an IV, Brennon swallowed some nasty syrup.  Caden "had been doing his homework on the beach," Brennon "squeezed mom's hand a couldn't stop screaming."  Brennon came home and waited the mandatory hour before sleeping, and then sunk into a deep, moan-filled sleep for three hours.  He was pretty much back to normal when he woke, even asking for cereal with milk.  He hasn't needed any Tylenol since last night.  I'm grateful he's feeling so much better.

In a weird twist, Shelby and Tyson had regular appointments to get fillings yesterday.  Or so I thought.  When Shelby walked in the house (Randy took them to this appointment, so I could stay home with Brennon) she said she was numb from lip to ear, and that Tyson got his two incisor teeth pulled.  WAIT, THAT WAS WHAT HIS WAS TODAY?!  I had slight remembrance that he was someday going to have his "I" teeth pulled for the same reason Brennon did(too small jaw), but I TOTALLY didn't remember it was for yesterday.  Tyson was not prepared.  It hurt. 

Brennon was the only child that didn't have a cavity that needed to be filled, yet was the one that had the most extensive, most traumatic work done.  Tyson was expecting to have a cavity filled and ended up having two teeth pulled.  Seriously, through no fault of their own, my boys had three teeth collectively pulled on the same day.  All for the chance to have a healthy, straight smile. 

The molar was pulled in hopes that the body will correct the projected path and naturally fix that permanent tooth.  If not, he'll have to have surgery to fix it.  He also has one other molar, on the other side of his jaw, that is actually fused to the jaw-- it cannot grow, cannot come out, will not allow for the permanent tooth to come in.  If it doesn't get bumped around by the other teeth, breaking away from the jaw (which is normal, expected, and hoped for in Brennon's case), he'll have to have surgery for that one, too.  I hope it doesn't come to surgery for either tooth, but honestly, at least he'd be completely asleep and would be guaranteed to not remember a single thing!!

Mutual

While it is always so much fun to watch kids interacting and playing together, hearing their cheers and friendly taunts and banter, it also kind of hurt my heart to drive up on this scene while picking up Keilie from Mutual last night.

Because there is a boy missing from this expectant huddle.  One that moved heaven and earth to attend mutual every chance he could, whether he felt 100% or not.  Caden would have been here.  Who knows, maybe he was.

Extract

Brennon had his appointment today to have that baby tooth extracted in hopes that his body would correct the tooth that is growing in sideways.  He was given the maximum amount to numb him, yet his brain still recognized the pressure as pain an hour after the first shot.  My Brennon cried as they were trying to loosen/yank that tooth.  We stopped the extraction.  He now has to go back for a Level 2 sedation. 

When Caden broke his arm, they put him under enough that he "felt" the pain, but didn't remember it at all.  They had a portable x-ray machine next to his bed, and while he was "asleep," pressed the bones back together.  Caden's eyes were closed, but he screamed out, "Ow.  OW.  OW!!  STOP THAT!"  Once they had it placed, he started to "wake up" about five minutes later.  When the doctor asked him how he was feeling, he told us that he'd "been doing his homework on the beach."  He didn't remember a single thing about them setting his bones.

Brennon will now "get" to experience Level 2 sedation tomorrow.  The poor thing.  My poor, poor Brennon.  I HATE TEETH STUFF!!!  What was the most conservative measure to fix this problem has now turned into trauma for my sweet little boy!

Trying

Yesterday was a day of "trying" for my boys.  We'd had tacos for dinner on Saturday night, so we had them as leftovers for lunch after church yesterday.  Tyson made the announcement that he wanted to try onions on his taco, so Brennon said he would too.  We felt that was a very mature decision, trying onions at their age.  Tyson said they didn't taste as good as they smell, Brennon flat out gagged.  I think onions both taste and smell disgusting, myself.

When I woke from my nap (first nap I've taken while laying in my bed without sleep aid-- progress!) the kids were jumping at the chance to be the first to tell me we had a snake in our apple tree.

 Tyson: "Mom, I touched the snake with a glove on!"

 And then Brennon did!

 And then Tyson said he was going to try touching the snake without a glove.

The snake had other ideas how he wanted Tyson to be "touched"-- it bit him!  I burst into giggles remembering the sound of Tyson's screams.  (Mouth wide open, deep little boy surprise) "Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah"- giggle, giggle, giggle.  He was so surprised!  I don't know why-- that snake was hissing LOUD!  It didn't break skin and truly only scared/surprised him, but it was still intense.

 Mira loved it.  Keilie, Shelby, and I, not so much.  Randy told me to come out and hear the hiss.  The glare you see in all of these pictures should be indication enough that that was the closest I was willing to get to that snake.

My kids are grateful for Randy-- I would hold them back from so many things he allows them to do.  A snake bit Tyson yesterday!  Heck no would my boys have been allowed to touch that snake if I was the only adult present!  They loved it!

Before bed, Tyson tried his last "first": Guacamole.  He said he didn't really want to try it because it looked like barf.  I told him how I'd hated it as a child, but when I was pregnant with Caden had an overwhelming urge to try it when I worked for Uncle Jerry and Aunt Veniece and that I love it now, that tastebuds can change.  So he tried it.  "I don't hate it, but I don't like it either."  Brennon tried it, too, and said the exact same thing.  What an adventurous Sabbath day we had!  I love that my boys encourage each other to try new things, and that they do them together!

p.s. When they came down after changing out of the church clothes, they were laughing.  "Mom, we have the same shirts and the same brand of shorts on, and we didn't even plan it!"  My heart, it overflows!

Answered

We just had the coolest experience!! 

Here's a bit of the backstory:
About 6-8 weeks ago, Keilie put her iPhone in the washer.  Miraculously, it worked, although only text as far as actual communication.  Three days ago, it died for good.  Randy's been researching used phones to replace it, expecting Keilie to work off the "debt."  We think we found one.

This morning:
When I woke, I saw a tiny little square on the counter with the name Verizon on it.  I didn't think much of it, because I had so much to do, not even knowing what it really was.  I finished a post for Momdot, went to the store to grab stuff to begin another post, and went for a walk.  I had to go back to the store for a few more items and came home to clean the kitchen before the Missionaries come for dinner tonight.  The counters started with all sorts of items on them from breakfast, lunch, and our two shopping trips-- it was pretty messy.  As I was wiping off the counters, Randy told me he'd made an offer on a used phone, and where was the SD card?  I had placed one near the home phone...

"No, that's not it.  That's for the old camera.  This SD card was small, with Verizon written on it."

My heart sank-- that SD card was TINY!!!!  And nowhere to be seen.  We started looking on the floor, we started looking under rugs, we started actually combing the carpet.  Keilie grabbed a garbage bag and started to comb through the actual garbage and recycling.  Everyone recalled seeing it on the counter, no one remembered what happened to it.  We all commented that we may have been the one to swipe it off, or move it, but no one remembered exactly what happened. 

We knelt down to pray.  Without that SD card, we'd have to purchase a Brand New phone!

I am not even kidding, not even five minutes later-- I FOUND IT!!!  My mind started to think of all items that I'd cleaned off the counter.  As a "last ditch effort," I grabbed the Oreos I'd put into our pantry.

 The Missionaries asked for these specifically for dessert.

 And when I pulled back this flap, the SD card fell to the floor!!!!!!!!!

This TINY little SD card had been scraped up into the flap when I was cleaning!!  The thought was brought to my mind to look in the Oreos, as far fetched as the thought was at the time.  The feelings of joy as we knelt to pray thanks have not left me, even now.  Our prayers were answered, even though it was such a small request-- literally and figuratively.  Very cool. 

Stunning

My beautiful heartbreak.  My stunning sorrow.  

My goodness, how can this really be my life?  

Surreal.

 (May 1, 2018)

Caden.

Caden.

Caden.

Tree Hugger

I love taking care of our yard.  Randy knows how much I enjoy it, so he usually allows me to do what I want.  I love edging (with an actual edger, not a weed whacker), but I love mowing best.  Instant gratification-- I made that look beautiful.  With the warmer temperatures that aren't too hot yet, I've been spending some serious time in the yard.  That, and the fact that my tree-of-dreams dumped a TON of helicopters.  I wish I had remembered to take a Before picture-- you couldn't differentiate between the grass and the sidewalk, it was such a thick blanket.  We had some wind this weekend, so they were all dumped in one day.  I thought I'd be able to use our leaf blower.  Nope.  Because they have a weighted seed base, they naturally anchor into the crevices of the grass and rocks.  Our blower did nothing-- I had to use a rake on the grass, and even then I didn't get them all, and use my hands to pluck each and every one from our rock bed flower gardens.  In the front rock beds alone, I got four 5-gallon buckets full, all plucked by hand.  7.5 hours of nothing but yard work, with countless hours to look forward to during the mowing season.  Fantastic!

 I have about an hour more to pluck up the rest that are still stuck in the grass.  I look forward to finishing this project, but I also look forward to actually doing it myself.

This tree is like a toddler at meal time.  Twice a year it drops its leaves and helicopters, creating a lot of work.  You are a bit bothered by the mess you have to clean up, but you love them so much, so grateful that they're yours, it's kind of OK.  I wouldn't trade this gorgeous tree for all the helicopter and leaf-less lawns in the world.  "You're lucky you're so cute..."

Time Out

This weekend, I got to put myself in Time Out.  It was really nice, because it was a Time Out in my own town.  I love the memories of Kimberly and I driving for four hours each way to go to Time Out in Denver while listening to and loving Matched, a funny memory of driving by myself to Denver once, crying my eyes out while I was listening to Susanne's Diary for Nicholas as I pulled into downtown Denver, and even traveling to Tacoma or Spokane with Jamie a few years ago, but I love that it was 15 minutes away from my own home this time.  I have been to Time Out six times now, this time included.  I will say, this was my least favorite of all of them.  So, I can unequivocally say, "What I love most about my weekend is those that I got to spend it with."

 Ashlee arrived at 4:00pm Friday, just in time to get back in the car to drive to pick up Jamie and head to dinner.

 Frost Me Sweet.  Yum!

 We went to Winco on our way to the Trac for some good ole fashioned Bulk Candy.  Memories!  $24.00 later, we were laden with sugar.  That bag was 10 times heavier than my bag of $67.00 candy from Vegas!  Seriously, Vegas is good at deception!

 We arrived at the conference center (the Trac) much too late, even though we were very early, getting us seats in the way back.  We of the Tri-Cities SOLD OUT our venue.  There was a wait list for tickets!  Our first chance at hosting TOFW in our home town, and we SOLD it out!  They said they'll be back in 2020.  I hope that will be the start of a yearly venue!  We arrived earlier still on Saturday morning, finding a LONG line-- we were now in the center.  Not only do we sell out, we arrive hours early for a chance to get a soft seat.  We are eager, we Tri-City-ites.

 Friday night: Jenny Oakes Baker, music.  Fiona Givens and John Bytheway, speakers.  Saturday: Mercy River, music.  Jenny Reeder, S. Michael Wilcox, Carol J. Decker (from Kennewick), and Emily Freeman, speakers.

I find that I like personal stories from the presenters most, those that make me contemplate my own life and situation, make me grateful for my life as a wife and mother.  Those talks that felt more like a lesson were not my favorite-- I don't relate as much to those type.  There were too many lessons, not enough stories.  The feel felt a little different this time.  It was OK, but not as fantastic as other TOFWs, making it my least favorite of all.  But I LOVED that I got to hang out with Ashlee and Jamie for HOURS this weekend.  They made the weekend fantastic.

Ashlee and I worked on a Momdot post she did, transferring pictures from her camera to my computer, went to Greek Islands for gyros with Randy, grabbed some gas, and then she got on the road by 6:15pm, making it home at 10:36pm.  Whirlwind weekend spent with friends-- perfection!  I cannot wait for the next time I get sent to a Time Out!