5 Years

The five year mark in cancer care is monumental.  Once you've had five years with No Evidence of Disease, or NED, you're considered cured.  It is one of our five year anniversaries today.

But it's not a joyous one.  His cancer was so aggressive, we didn't even make it five years from the day he was flown to Seattle in a jet because he was bleeding from a ruptured pineapple-sized (we were initially told grapefruit, but even after it had shrunk from chemo, it came out the size of a pineapple) tumor, spilling blood and cancer into his pelvis.

Where we may have had celebratory pictures and party at this five year anniversary, today our pictures, all of them forever more, look like this:

I have been struggling since New Years Eve night, since my brain exploded with the migraine sensation of realization that this is 'still real.'  I think it has finally become real.  I think my brain has finally come to understand that my Caden has died, he's not coming back, this is not a dream.

I've been struggling since that day, but I think that Keilie being sick on Shelby's birthday has exacerbated everything emotionally for me, since her symptoms mirrored those that Caden had five years ago.  Well, minus the pineapple-sized mass...  My mind started down the path that now it's another child's turn, I'm heading back to Seattle to watch another child suffer, really and truly suffer, and ultimately die.  It's not rational, I know that, but it feels very, very real for me recently.  I am scared, but have nothing to be scared about.  I find myself crying, yet don't know what I'm crying about.  I want to go out, but I can't get myself to actually do it.  I'm bored, but everything sounds like too much work.  I want to read, but sitting down to read sounds boring.  I either feel empty inside, or so full of sorrow that I can't function.  I feel confused, and heavy, and torn, and hopeless.  Because it's still real: My child is dead.

Happy 12th Birthday, Shelby!

12 years ago today, my rainbow baby was born.

And since then has brought so much love

(1st Birthday)

and joy

and happiness

 (5th Birthday)

and silliness

and laughter

 (7th Birthday)

and excitement

and pride

and bubbly giddiness

 (8th Birthday)

 (9th Birthday)

and wit

 (10th Birthday)

and a perfect rightness!

 (12th Birthday)

Happy 12th Birthday, Shelby Jacquelyn Dirks!!!

Door? Again?

Remember in April 2017 we were accused of painting our front door without permission by Steve, an HOA member that lives across the street?  You can read about it here.  Well, last week, while walking around our neighborhood, I was approached by another HOA member, also named Steve, about the front door.  Talk about irony!

Steve: "Can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Absolutely."

"I'm not accusing you."

{Ope, there goes the defensive wall}

"You said in your request to the board that you were going to paint your front door."

{Mind screaming 'AGAIN WITH THE FRONT DOOR?!?!'}

"We did paint our front door."

"No, you didn't."
{Mind reeling.  First they accuse us of painting the door when we didn't, going so far as to literally call us liars, and now we're being told we didn't paint when we did!}

"Steve, yes we did!"

"Well, the email you sent said that you were going to paint it the trim color.  I am just trying to gather all paint chip and color code information for all of the houses that were painted this season, so that we can direct future potential home owners that wish to paint to those homes."

"I did not say that we were going to paint our door the trim color.  I said that we were going to add trim to the door, and that that would be painted the trim color, since it's trim.  The door was to remain black, to match the house numbers and new lighting.  I also provided the paint color code information in that email, as well as all paint chips in the mail in request.  I'm certain you'll find those exact words in the email if you go back and read it again.  "

I did.  I said almost those exact words, verbatim.  

This was the door the day they accused us of painting, when all I did was add the numbers and the kick plate.

Painted a shiny exterior black with added trim painted the trim color.

This was the man that came to judge the house color after it was already dark.  "Yeah, I couldn't tell what color your house was going to be that first night.  I still can't quite tell what color it is."  I rankled, and didn't back down.  "Well, Steve, that's because you came to look at it after it was already dark outside.  Of course you wouldn't be able to tell what color it was going to be!"  He said many more things, most of which had me thinking, "Your point?"  Especially when he told me that I should go to some of the new build neighborhoods and see for myself that none of those homes are beige.  I looked him in the eye and said, "I agree!  Those are modern, updated homes.  The color choices that the board is willing to accept are what's keeping us solely in 2004!  If you want to keep this neighborhood updated, you'll have to give up the pinks and beiges, and adopt the colors of the time."

These people need to get a life, and leave us the heck alone!!  Both doors were an upgrade from what it was before!!!  What is their freaking problem?!

Best Day

Some would look at my day and think it was wasted, others would think I was nuts to find enjoyment in such a way, but I can in all seriousness say I haven't had such a good day in a long time-- and I didn't even participate in the activity with my family.  I went to watch.

We were a little worried that we'd have to pay another Lessons Fee to have Tyson switch to Skis, but the employees didn't question Randy (he used his "tone") and switched him from snowboard to skis, no problem.  We all knew right away that Tyson was going to have a much better day.

I find it funny now, here at the end of the day, to post these pictures.  I only got one good one in the morning, where the child didn't look fake (or bored while they waited for lessons to begin).

But by the end of the day, Shelby's radiant, excited smile had turned to glum, with all other faces looking this happy.

They'd just come down from the top of the mountain (yes, this was only their second day, Tyson's first) and were feeling on top of the world.  Well, except for Shelby, she just looked like she wanted to be cuddled in bed and hibernate for the rest of winter.

My day was spent taking stuff to and from the car multiple times, and walking in place (got to get my steps) as I looked for my family as they came down the mountain.  I felt such joy at even a glimpse of any one of them.  I loved waving at them, encouraging them, cheering them on, hearing their excitement, seeing their joy.  I loved being with them, even though I wasn't with them.

For the record: I was deliberately trying to get Floors yesterday for my exercise.  I walked up the steep mountain road by our home, trying to get as many Floors as I could.  43.  On the car ride home, I gasped when I saw that I'd gotten 85 Floors!  Granted, it was in a much longer time frame, not all at once as I'd done yesterday, but I didn't even "try," yet I killed it!  Win-Win!

Moment of truth: I can't say I will never get on skis, even though I swore I'd never, ever do it again.  With the kids going and loving it this much, I can see us adopting this sport.  But... it's going to take even more time to convince me to don those slippery sticks of death.  Watching wipe outs, falls, speeding skiers and snowboarders coming from all directions, collisions, and four different Medic runs (one of which needed an ambulance), has me convinced that skiing really isn't going to be my thing.  That being said, if we made Brennon ride on the boat for 10 minutes every time, many times bawling and white knuckling it, because "this is what we're going to do as a family now," I may have to suck it up and deal with it.  Only time will tell...

Sudoku

Tyson came home from school sick with a stomach ache yesterday.  I'd purchased a sudoku book to show the kids after school, so when he saw it on the counter, he asked if I'd show him how right then.

We worked together on the first one, with me giving him tips and pointers for a few different methods to solve the puzzle, but he picked it up so quickly that he basically took it over about halfway through.

His first solo puzzle took him 12 minutes!  I didn't even watch him do it, for fear of accidentally "helping" him.  He's since done nine on his own (six last night, three first thing this morning, with one being worked on right now), one of which he used some pretty advanced techniques I hadn't taught him yet (I had only taught him hours before, I didn't think he would quite yet understand), because his mind started looking for other ways to find solutions for a more difficult Medium puzzle.

"Mom, can I do this while we read scriptures?"
"Ummmmm, no."
"But I'm so close to finishing this one!"

He'd done sudoku while we were watching funny videos on YouTube as a family.

I love hearing and seeing his enthusiasm.  I love that he picked it up so quickly.  It's fun teaching kids stuff like this, especially when they're that perceptive and keen to learn.

8:30AM UPDATE:
"Mom, could I take this to school?"
"No.  When would you even have time to do it?"
"Recess."

He took a page with him to school.  He finds it more fun than recess.

Tricks

I had such a good time skating on Monday that we went yesterday afternoon as a family.  Randy regaled us on the drive over of all of his glory days on four wheels, including the time he and his friends did a Tour de Roy.

While there, Randy also taught Brennon and Tyson how to skate backwards.  It's fun watching your husband do a bunch of tricks as if he's done them every day of his life (he hasn't put on skates in about as long as I), but even more fun to watch your kids stare in awe and amazement at their dad, and exclaim, "Wow!  Can you teach me?!"

Caden loved rollerblading.  He even bought himself a pair of nice, expensive blades-- and Caden never spent his money without a ton of thought.  In fact, he often commented that he wished it could be easier to spend, because he wanted stuff but it was hard to take the money out of savings.  It's special to watch the boys learn new tricks with their dad, using Caden's blades.  It makes me miss Caden every time they use them, but it's wonderful to see that Caden's possessions still bless the lives of his little brothers.

We may make Wednesday afternoons from 3:30-5:30 our thing.

1/4

It seems that Randy and I talk about Caden many times when we're getting ready for bed.  Last night he commented that it's so easy to remember the good times, which makes him miss him so much more, that he needs to remind himself of the suffering.  I told him that I am the exact opposite-- I never forget how much he suffered, always grateful that he does not suffer anymore.  I'm not sure why it only hit me last night, but for nearly 1/4 of his life, Caden had cancer hanging over him.  It made me sad all over again.  Cancer sucks.

Skate

I left directly after church yesterday with Shelby, Brennon, and Tyson to go to Ashlee's house for Austen's birthday.  Circumstances made it so I didn't go on Friday after school, making our trip shorter than was originally planned, but I'm grateful we got to go at all.  I was fortunate to be present at Austen's birth, so it was pretty special to be able to make this trip to be there for her 8th birthday and party.

For the first time in more than 25 years, I laced up these bad boys and went to town.

Well, not really, because I've never been good at skating, but it was a seriously fun party.  At least I wasn't clinging to the wall like I did the last time I wore this kind of skate.

I got to spend time with this cutie.  She knows how to skate and does a great job for her age, but she got tired (and distracted by the arcade games) often, so we played when she wasn't out on the floor with her dad.

I would have spent more time with this cutie, but she was whisked away in an umbrella stroller by Russ.  Now, that man can skate!  Everly was the luckiest of us all, going the fastest around the rink without having to exert any energy at all!

It was a fun weekend spent with family.  Well, family without Randy and Keilie, and Caden.  But you know what I mean. 

Happy Birthday, Austen Jade. 

Closet

A few years ago I talked about a time when I decided to gather all of our school supplies from around the house into the front room, and "shop" from the supplies for our new school year lists.  With each child gathering from their room, and myself gathering from the kitchen area, dumping it into one pile in the only living space we had at the time, I was shocked (and embarrassed) by how much we had.  I immediately started to divide them up into categories, and decided then and there that I would never buy brand new school supplies until I'd gone through our own supplies first.  I rarely buy new stuff anymore, always keeping it all nicely organized in school boxes for daily use and school supply lists.

Then comes this revolutionary book about that very organization that I'd experienced before it was cool-- organizing by category, not room.  The KonMarie Method.  She tells you to do exactly what I'd done-- gather it all into one space.  It will shock you to see all that you've accumulated, most likely making you feel embarrassed you'd let it get that bad, and help you know exactly what you have to make better choices of what you want to keep.  While I don't do every step she suggests (I have never tapped the spines of my books to wake them before sorting them, nor have I thanked my clothes as I was chucking them into a garbage bag meant for Salvation Army), I do regularly organize my categories.

With the New Year, when we all have resolutions fresh on our minds, Netflix released a new series where Marie goes from home to home, helping them organize their categories.  She tells them what to do, helps them start on each project (clothing is always first, with sentimental last), and guides them as they organize their home.  Inevitably, each person (kids included) talks about how much happier they are now that they've gotten rid of so much, and now that it's so much cleaner.  It was very inspiring to watch!  It was truly a joy to get rid of stuff they never thought they could get rid of.  I've watched the entire season, always turning off the tv to start another category.  Watching someone else clean always propels me to clean myself.  Especially when it's an episode of Hoarders.

Things have been a bit hard for me emotionally recently.  I can honestly pin point it back to that moment where my mind thought, "It's still real."  Things that used to be nothing to me now seem big.  I'm more anxious.  I take longer to come down from an anxiety high.  I am just kind of struggling in general more than I have been in a long time.  I'm watching it closely, taking notes about my day, and will go see a doctor if it gets much worse.

Last week started quite hard with the car troubles, getting worse as the days went on.  I knew I needed a project that would make me feel light when I was done, so I decided to tackle my closet.

(My stuff) 

It wasn't too bad, but I knew it could be better.  Everything is folded into category piles, but it just didn't stay/look as organized as I would like.

(Randy's stuff)

Not wanting to break the bank, I got these Dish Buckets (thanks, Jamie, for the recommendation!) for $2.00/each and got started on The KonMarie Folding Method.

One thing I know about anxiety disorders is that they do a project slowly so they can do it perfectly.  I also know that projects like this get worse before they get better, so I prepared myself for that moment where you think, "What the heck was I thinking?"  You'd think something like this would cause me more anxiety, since I was already struggling, but it was amazing to experience the transformation first hand, and feel how it truly lifted my spirits during the work.

It's not designer storage, but I wasn't going for that.  I love the way it feels, I love the way it looks, I love the way it works.  There is happiness in purging for me.  There is happiness in organizing and cleaning.  There is happiness in the act of cleaning as I watch something go from messy to clean as I think, "I did that!"  Some would question whether cleaning could actually be relaxing, but for me, it can be. 

Still love that I organized by category before it was cool!  Marie, tell me something that I don't know...