Two years of growth

Two years ago today, Caden was flown to Seattle Children's. 

So much has changed since then. 

So much the same. 

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." Richard G. Scott

Go Hawks!

What do you do when you know your hair is going to fall out?

You rebel, of course!

We got to have a visit from our family today. And while they were here, Ashlee and her family came to see us. We had a GREAT time playing together in the RMH play area. The video game consoles, air hockey, foosball, and indoor jungle gym toys were the perfect setting for our party. I could not have asked for a better afternoon!

It was so good to hug and snuggle my kids. Their giggles and competitive excitement was infectious. It felt so lighthearted in this house of sickness. The most perfect distraction!

Caden is feeling the effects of the drugs. Or maybe it's just because he hasn't really eaten since January 17, after dinner was when his "sickness" began- what we thought could be food poisoning turned out to be cancer. He can be up and about for just a little while before he needs to lie down and rest. We had the longest energy-splurge of the week today. After his "nap" that turned into a 3:00PM- 9:00AM night, no wonder he stayed awake so long. Yeah, you could say that he was tired. They say that sleep is the best medicine to heal the body- he's probably cured today, can I get an Amen?!

With his spirits bolstered by the family visit, Caden actually ate dinner tonight. Like a real meal. Plus, he broke into the new stash of snacks from his Teachers' Quorum, from church. And when I say stash, I mean the entire junk isle from Albertson's in Richland. If anyone from home is looking for junk, sorry, we have it all here. My Caden is LOVED!!!

I didn't get much sleep last night due to some noisy neighbors, but I have never felt more awake than tonight. I think I'll be able to feed off of this energy for quite a while. Plus, Sunny Wright from www.sunnywrightphotography.com sent me a glimpse of the family pictures she captured for us on Monday night. 

Where yesterday was a depressing day, today got an amazing start...and kept getting better and better. 

See, I told you this journey can feel like a roller coaster!

It's a good life! One worth fighting for. 

Cruises

I have never been on a cruise. One day I will go on a real cruise, but today I have had ample time to think about cruises. 

I sit in our room at Ronald McDonald house, anxiously waiting for pictures of my birthday girl, Shelby, all dolled up for her Ball. It has been quiet for hours, but for the soft sound of deep-sleep breathing coming from the other queen bed situated in our room. I am eternally grateful that Caden is feeling much improved from yesterday, but I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself. You see, Caden is in dreamland, Brennon and Tyson are playing at friends' houses, and Randy, Jackie, and my sweet girls are partying with my birthday girl, all while I sit in a quiet room, thinking. My mind will not stop thinking. 

I once compared our situation to that of a roller coaster. And it is, and has been. But while the hours have slowly passed today, my mind has been stuck on 'cruises.' Not that I wish to be on one, headed to an exotic destination, but that we are already on one now. 

You see, while the boat may hold many activities, pretty things to see, fun things to do, and lots to eat, it is only the vessel that will take you to where you truly want/need to go. You don't pay for the boat, per se, but for where the boat will take you. 

While on the boat, you are given free reign to go where you choose, but the truth of the situation is that you don't really have freedom- you are restricted in your freedom. You may be able to swim in the pool, yet what you really yearn for is the ocean. You may be able to play some of the deck games, yet what you really yearn for is the zip line you have scheduled and waiting. You try to enjoy the activity and beauty of the boat, but your mind is often brought back to what you know lies ahead. No amount of fun or beauty can compare to the destinations you are going, and truly want to be. 

The upgraded cabin you splurged on, while nicer than some of the others you could have chosen, let's be honest, is super tiny. And what is that small, circular thing on the far wall? You call that a window?! Please, it's more like a submarine periscope, for all you can see when looking out. It may be exciting on night one, but by the next morning, starts to feel like a restricting box. You just can't wait to get out in the fresh air. 

Our cruise took off almost two years ago, to the day. We have made it to two of our 'destinations.' In fact, we got to stop for an entire year! Then we got on the boat for a short time, unsure how long it was going to travel, and were pleasantly surprised by the short ride. We got 7 more months of playing after just a few weeks of 'travel." On January 20th, we found ourselves racing back onto the ship, fumbling to make sure we had all of our belongings, unsure of exactly how long the ship will be out to sea before we are allowed to dock at dry ground. 

At times, our cruise has hit some choppy waters. Yesterday was one of those. Caden truly was sick. I was an emotional wreck once they finally got him hooked up to meds. While he closed his eyes in relief, tears of relief and anxiety slipped through my own closed eyes, thoughts turned in prayers of gratitude for nurses and doctors that want the best for my son.  Today, that storm has passed. We have had a very lazy day- for which I am gratefully complaining about, it seems. 

I have no idea how long our cruise is going to be. I have no idea what our final destination looks like. I have no idea how many times we are going to play in the sun, or race back onto our ship. I have seen beauty and have had a few good times on the boat, but, in all honesty, I am tired of this cruise line. I'm ready to be at home, back to our routine, enjoying the familiarity and comfort of my own home and regular life. 

I want to be able to celebrate my daughter's 9th birthday. I want to be the one to curl her hair, and kiss her cheeks, and tell her to have a fun time with her Prince at the Ball. I want to be the one to tuck all five of my babies into their own beds, safe in my own home. I want, I want, I want... 

I'm still waiting for my pictures. And listening to the quiet snores from The Boy in the Bed. Tonight is a conflicting, difficult night for me. Maybe cruises are not my favorite. 

Happy Birthday, my sweet Shelby. I miss you so much. And love you even more! It's a deep miss with an even deeper love!!

Life

We are back in-clinic for some IV nausea meds. My schedule looked like this last night...

What seemed like overkill from Sue turned out to be more than needed. In fact, it was not enough. There is nothing harder for me to accept than knowing that all that I am doing, all that I have power to do, is just not enough. I had the only tools that I could have, and I still watched my son suffer. His vomitting is so violent, it hurts to listen to. I can't imagine how it actually feels. How grateful I am for Seattle Childten's. 

We have had some fun and exciting news from home. 

Brennon and his best friend, Alvin, had a project night last night to showcase the work they have done. My sweet Second grader even had a PowerPoint presentation!! Look at how impressive that work is! Cutie. 

Brennon also lost another tooth this morning. Knowing my B-boy, he probably had to simply breathe, and it came out. He is my son- no pain, no blood, just let it come when it is ready. 

That face! Trying to show his brave face, while making sure you see what is missing. Love him so much. 

Since I am working on my phone, I can't add the video, but Keilie had an entire room laughing last night. She was introducing Sister Miller as a new member of the Young Women's organization, and made it a fun event. Being the Keilie we have come to know, she got up with her natural ease and grace, and wowed me again with her comedic talent. She was born for public speaking. Maren didn't get the joke portion of the introduction, but she did get the rest. I'm so grateful that she thought, in the moment, to get a video for me. It would have been an after-thought for me. "Oh, she would have loved that. I wish I would have thought to get that!" 

Seeing my Keilie perform was just one more thing to make yesterday such a good day. She looked so grown up, and beautiful. I love her so much. 

This picture is from before I left, but it is something that I miss. 

Tyson does this all the time. Maybe not so spread-Eagle, but propped like this. So funny!

And tomorrow I will be able to see my Shelby all dolled up for the Ball that is on her birthday. I guess you could say that all of White Bluffs Elementary is celebrating my sweet girl. I hope that when she looks back on this birthday, she remembers the Ball, and not Caden's cancer. 

It's good to remember that real life happens outside of the bubble that I find myself in. The hospital is a very solitary place. Time just moves differently here. I was surprised to get a call after school from Keilie one day (it seemed too early) and sad to realize that I missed a call to the kids this morning. All hospital time feels like an eternity. 

We found out that Caden's recovery time after the surgery on March 9th will be two weeks. To put this into perspective, his liver resection, where they removed the two pound mass with 2/3 of his liver, was only 7 days recovery. This will be double recovery time, a true fight to reclaim his health. And his life. 

This is my Fight song, take back my life song... I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion. 

Hope

Chemo will be done in one hour. He will have post-chemo meds until about 5:00PM. Two were a simple push through the port, one was given over an hour. It's the pre- and -post medicines that take the longest. This will be the longest day of chemo before the surgery. 

Sue will get us a more detailed calendar today, but preliminary findings show that 1. Surgery is scheduled for March 9!

2. We WILL be home for Brennon's birthday/baptism/epic birthday party!!

3. We will be able to sneak home more than we thought. 

And the biggest of all, the one that is hard for us to wrap our minds around: week 2's chemo (next Wednesday) is a visit with Sue with a nurse pushing the chemo through his port. We will go home (RMH) after like an hour. What?! You mean there are ways to NOT stay at the hospital for hours, days, and weeks with chemo?! We had to ask a few times, just to make sure we understood. 

So, even though I sit here blogging while poison is pumped through my son, we got good news today. I am giddy with relief. 

Man, it's amazing how bright the future looks today. It's amazing how a few words can bring sorrow or happiness, fear or relief.  We were set so low last week, and now... I feel like we can accomplish the world. We are fighting, and fighting HARD. 

I read these words today, and can't help but agree. 

"No matter how the heart breaks, we bend toward life, don't we? We bend toward hope."

Oh, I hope, I hope, I hope!

Surgery✔️

Caden's port surgery went well. They had actually sewn him up and called us when they realized that it wasn't working as well as they would like. So they opened the sutures back up and found some scar tissue flapped over. It took him another 10 minutes to cut out the tissue, and another 20 to finalize the surgery again. But it turned out alright in the end. I'm glad he took the time now. Otherwise, he would have had problems down the road. 

We also got word that chemo starts tomorrow at 8:30am. All day. Sue contacted me to ease my mind, saying she has already put together a nausea plan and had already sent the schedule down to the pharmacy to have them ordered and ready. She loves my boy. Not as much as I do, but still...

He is in a fair amount of pain. His shoulder hurts pretty bad. Most kids get Tylenol every four hours. Not my kid! We got some good stuff. Sue loves my boy!

We are resting in our room at the Ronald McDonald House. It was a relief walking into these doors. Almost like coming home. This place is SUCH a blessing for our family. Sleep (if we can) and start the hard part tomorrow. The port definitely makes this more real. 

As if leaving my kids last night wasn't real enough. I miss them. 

All of my kids are too young and too innocent for this mess. I just want to shield them all from the fear and reality. I just want to snuggle each in their beds, safe and content. I want to kiss all of their cheeks, until the giggle and beg me to stop. I just want to be in my REAL home.

*Deep Breath* Soon. 

Reality's Meeting

"She spins and she sways to whatever song plays, without a care in the world, and I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It's been a long day, and there's still work to do.  She's pulling at me, saying, 'Dad, I need you.  There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited, and I need to practice my dancin'.  Oh, please, Daddy please!'  So, I dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms.  'Cause I know, something the Prince never knew.  Oh, I dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song.  'Cause all too soon the clock will strike Midnight, and she'll be gone." Cinderella by: Steven Curtis Chapman

This is Randy's theme song.  On one of the hardest days of our lives, the first thing Shelby asked Randy is if he was still going to be able to take her to The Snowflake Ball at school, on her 9th birthday on Friday.  As it turns out, there are many different 'Midnights' in our lives.

The meeting was not as optimistic as it was in July, plain and simple.  Caden had just taken some pain medicine, so I'm not sure how much he remembers, or understands, and that is ok with me.  Like July's post, here are our option choices.  However, sometimes being given a choice is harder than if we were told what to do.

1- Surgery right away.  This was what we were really hoping for.  However, because of the magnitude of the surgery, it is life threatening at this point.  The blood vessels that are feeding the tumor have a chance of bleeding out.  Our son could die on the table.  We said that surgery first was our option, unless there was a reason we shouldn't.  We won't do it first anymore. Surgery was in two options: Surgery only, or surgery in connection with chemo.  'Surgery only' was scratched off before he finished his sentence.  We are well past that, at this point- there is just too much.

2- Chemotherapy first and then surgery- like the first time.  This was what Caden wanted from the very first of the meeting.  The chemo drugs will be different, though.  The two that they used worked well to kill the tumor, but obviously have done nothing to kill all of the cancer.  Because of the rarity of Caden's cancer, we are all just throwing whatever we can at it, hoping it sticks.  He will not have to be admitted into the hospital this time for each Round.  That's not to say that drugs aren't as powerful, they just don't need the before and after medicines to protect his heart, bladder, and kidneys.  Those always took so much time, it was just easier to be in-patient.  These will be given at the hospital, but we will be at the Ronald McDonald house for more time.  Admittance will only be 'as needed.' 

Dr. Hawkins compromised with us.  We will do 2 Rounds of chemo with a surgery planned for 6 weeks.  He said it would take him about that long to secure all of the people needed.  This surgery is going to be even harder than the liver resection.  That was supposed to take 5 and ended up being 11.  He said this one was more than 11 to begin with.  I still believe that being an adult/parent in these situations is exhausting, but I think being the doctor that has to tell the parent could be a close second.  I know the naked fear on my face was hard to see.  It was hard not to show it.

3- Chemo at home in a pill form.  Dr. Hawkins wanted us to know that at there are different points in everyone's journey.  Some, like us, just want to fight it hard, so intense chemo is their choice.  Some have had a long fight, are tired, and just want to spend more time at home, but don't want to give in just yet.  We may make it to this point sooner than I would like, but not now.  This will be our last intense stand against the devil that is swallowing up my son's belly.

4- Radiation.  This has never been an option for us before, so I was confused.  However, he said that it would not be an option on The Grapefruit, but for the smaller ones, if we decide to try that after the surgery.  For now, it is just one of the choices in our buffet, on our medical table.

5- Make him as comfortable as possible.  This time, I could not hold back the tears.  That has never been an option.  My entire body revolted, shook as if hit by lightening.  With love in his eyes, and concern in his voice, Dr. Hawkins said that the reality of the situation is this: In Sarcoma cases, once they come back, they come back harder and with more intensity.  It will take a miracle to cure Caden.  You need to come to the realization that his cancer may not be curable.

My heart must have been taken from my chest.  My lungs are lead.  My stomach filled with acid.

I would have sobbed if Caden had not been in the room.  But he was, so I quick-as-I-could reeled in the tears that could not help but burst out.  And one thing I do know for sure- "This meeting was not as upbeat as the last one."

Me - "Why do you say that?"

Caden - "I don't know.  There was more crying at this one."

I scared my son, because Reality beat me to within an inch of my life in that meeting.

**My family is starting a Fast tonight at 5:00PM.  If you would like to join us, please know that I truly believe that it will help.**

I recently read an article entitled, "Not the Miracle We Wanted." in the January 2016 Ensign.  I know the Miracle I want, but I know my loving Heavenly Father will give us what we need.  So, in your Fast and your prayers, please pray for a Miracle.

For me, for Randy, for our kids, for our extended families, and most especially

 for Caden Randy Dirks- The Boy in the Bed.

Options?!

Caden starts chemotherapy on Wednesday.

We are home.  Going to enjoy the weekend together.

More information to come.

Please Pray for a miracle- the doctor tells us it will be required to beat this.

Please Read: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/healing-the-sick?lang=eng

Q & A

Questions (posed by many) and Answers (if I have them)

Where was Randy?: Randy was at Sales Training in Detroit.  He is always gone this week.

Why didn't you make the appointment when he could be there?:  We always have it around the 17th of the month.  Sue was gone the week before, and the 20th was the closest date to the 17th that we could get.  As it turns out, it was good that we came to see them on the very day that the pain was becoming too much for him to handle.

How is Caden?:  He is super tired and stressed.  Having the kids in the room today was too loud for him, but he really wanted them to be close.  I can tell that it is very conflicting for them to be there.  His pain is being controlled well.  He is just ready for the appointment tomorrow.

Is Caden scared?:  I have asked him this many times throughout this last two years if he was scared.  He has never said yes.  He said that he's done this twice, he knows how it feels.  He really is the bravest of boys.

Will he have to have another feeding tube?:  As of right now, no.  Things may change when we figure out which chemotherapy we will be doing.  The only reason it would be needed is if he fell off of the healthy charts.  Sue knows that that is a last resort, so we are confident that he won't be forced into it any time soon.

Will the tumor be removed before Chemo?:  This is information we will find out tomorrow in our cancer board session at 1:30.  We did hear from surgery today that it is resectable, but they are still concerned about the stuff they found in his pelvis.  We were told by the radiologist yesterday that it was just the hemorrhage of the tumor, but the surgeons are still unsure.  The true diagnosis of the pelvis stuff will determine when we get the large tumor out.  For now, we are hopeful that the pelvis stuff is nothing, and that they can schedule the resection for some time next week.  Preferably this weekend!  If the stuff we see in the pelvis turns out to be tumor, that will change everything.  Praying for good news tomorrow.

What options for treatment do you have?:  We were told that the options that we talked about in July still are options, but with a tumor in his body, they are looking for even more.  They have been working day and night to make sure that when we meet tomorrow, we have all the pertinent information available to choose for our course of action.  They are amazing people, nut just amazing doctors.  I can tell they are concerned for Caden, but they are doing everything they can to make him comfortable and give him the best care possible.

When are you going to get out of the hospital?:  We could technically be out right now, but Caden is really struggling with the thought of more pain.  He is worried that the second we leave, he is going to have the same amount of pain that he's been experiencing for the past few days.  It really is quite painful to have something that large in your gut, pushing on your diaphragm.  He just hurt so much.  They are being so kind to let him stay.  He is not on an IV anymore, so they are making sure that he drinks enough to sustain the amount of drugs they are giving him.  I pretty much want a timer to go off every minute, to remind him to take a sip here or there.  He's doing well.  He is just tired, exhausted, and in pain.

How is Randy/Stephanie/family?:  Randy just wants to be focusing on hitting quota right now.  He got some exciting news at Sales Training, with work all lined up for the next few months.  It's hard for him to divide his time for where he wants to be (with us) and where he needs to be (at work).  I'm going to group this with my own response- we just don't want to have to deal with this right now.  Or ever! We want to be together in our home.  We want to be taking our kids to taekwondo class tonight.  We want normal worries.   It is really hard to watch one child physically struggle and all of our children emotionally struggle SO much.  It really sucks being the parent that has to be strong when telling young minds something that is hard to explain.  We don't have the answers, and the answers we do have are hard.  How do you tell a questioning 12- year old girl that you don't know if her brother is going to die?  How do you look them in the eye without tears spilling from your own?!  Being a parent is exhausting!

What can we do?:  This has been by far the most asked question!  Thank you all so much for your continued love and prayers.  At this time, we have a place for our kids, we have a place to sleep ourselves, and we have transportation to and from our two locations.  We have our meeting tomorrow that will hopefully get the ball rolling.  I may have some requests then, but for now, please just pray for our little Caden.  In all honesty, I just don't know what is going to happen.  And I am freaking scared.

For now: Tomorrow at 1:30 will give us answers to the questions that are swimming through our minds right now.  It will probably make more questions, too.  I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it more than the other times.  CANCER SUCKS!

Cancer Update

Familiar sight #1. Caden barely being able to walk for the pain and nausea. 

Familiar sight #2. Image on the right is from October. Knowing what we know now, you can see the tumor. It was missed by Radiology and Sue. It was thought to be bowel. Image on the left is today. The large gray circle is the Large Grapefruit-size tumor. 

Just like January 2014, the large tumor is pushing on his diaphragm, causing extreme pain in his right shoulder. Just like January 2014, the tumor is so big that it is taking up too much room in his small belly. And just like January 2014, the tumor has hemorrhaged, and is bleeding into his pelvic floor, causing a great deal of pain. 

Sue circled it for a better view. The liver is above, light gray, and just squished any place it will fit. There is just no room for anything. 

Good news: there is only one tumor that we are dealing with. There is absolutely nothing in his liver or lungs. He is admitted to keep up on his morphine and nausea medications. He is being kept as comfortable as possible. 

He is still Caden: in good spirits. He has been making jokes, hugging and high-fiving his siblings to comfort them when they could not hold back their tears at seeing him in a hospital bed once more. 

It was hard walking back onto the cancer floor. Like allowing them to lock us in our cage again. But I am SO grateful to be here right now. There is no better place for Caden right now. 

Hardest part about today was not hearing the news (per se), or having all of my kids at the hospital by myself, or worrying about Randy changing his flights to be with us, or even seeing Caden in pain. It was the look of desperation, fear, and hurt on Shelby's and Tyson's face. 

Shelby: "Why does Caden have to have cancer? I don't want him to die!"

Tyson: "I just want to FIGHT cancer!!"

Please pray for us. We're gonna need it. We meet with the cancer board on Friday at 1:30. Here's to hoping we get our course set and started. 

Perfect Rainy Sunday

While walking in to church on a very blustery day yesterday, Brennon disgustedly asked, "Unh, why is it raining on a Sunday?!'

Cause in Brennon's world, Sundays are rain-less days, apparently.

While at church, Tyson found a straight pin on the ground.  He played with it for quite a while, actually.  At one point, he whispered in my ear, while holding the pin three inches from my nose, "Mom, this could be a sword for like a mouse, or something."

Later, Brennon was asked to give the opening prayer in Primary.  I always love Brennon's prayers.  He always thinks of the sweetest things.

"We thank Thee for water and for vegetables.  And that we have a God that hears and answers our prayers.  And that we could come to church today.  And that we have friends.  And that we can have Eternal Families." Just to name a few.

I snuck a peek from behind the piano (yes, I know, I opened my eyes during a prayer, for shame!).  The sight of my son standing at that Primary podium, bowing his head, pulling his eyebrows together in concentration, with a room full of children listening, brought tears to my eyes.  I love him.  I love my Savior.  I, too, love a God that hears and answers my prayers.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Save

BBBBUUUURRRRPPPP!!!!!!!!!

Tyson: "Oh, man, that was an awesome burp!!!!!  I wish I could have saved it to take to school and show my friend Daniel!"

He's such a boy!

Recipe

Disappointing Experience

Ingredients:

1- Every year I order my blog book on December 31st.  I anxiously wait as it is delivered to my home.  It is truly like Christmas morning when I find it in the mail, and practically rip the packaging to shreds with my teeth.  It is a big happy-maker for me.  So when I opened the packaging (with scissors, not teeth) and saw the iridescent pink cover that was supposed to be gray, I was a bit sad.  Little did I know it would get worse.

2- I love the sound of the cracking binding as I get the first glimpse of the pages.  First thing I noticed was the size of the pictures.  One picture fit on one page.  Um... that has never happened before.  Where are the words?  Why does Tyson's birthday post take up 16 pages?  What's going on.  A call (that I will tell soon) informed me that the new shnazzy camera that was gifted to me by my amazing sister is just too good.  Apparently, when there is enough pixels, blog2print can utilize them all and make the pictures Large.  Otherwise, they revert to Medium-- as they have always done because of my lack of shnazzy camera.  Randy asked if I could have seen them in the preview. To be honest, I got that camera later in the year.  I wouldn't have thought to go all the way to the end of the book to see something I had not anticipated, since it had never happened in any of my other books.  Perfect scenario for disaster- #1.

3- I was flipping through the book from back to front, and started to quickly realize that if there were this many pictures taking up just one page, there was no way that I could have an entire year in this one book.  I was right.  It was only to October 4, 2015.  When I was setting the dates, I had clicked a little arrow on the left of the calendar, taking it all the way back, one click at a time, from January 2016 to January 2015.  I know I clicked on January 1st!  When I was talking to the guy from Customer Service, he told me that I had indeed ordered from October 4, 2015 to January 4, 2016.  When I was telling him of my click, click, click, he said that if I had used the "scroll" feature on my mouse, it may have changed the date on the top.  I had, and it did.  Perfect scenario for disaster- #2.  10/04/2015 looks like 01/04/2015 at first glance.  I had done this so many times, I hadn't really taken too much time to check the exact dates.  I had set it the first time, I didn't think it may change without more click-click-clicking.  I glanced at the dates, saw the right numbers, and moved on.  Little did I know that I was ordering the wrong dates for my book.

4- Since this is a family journal, I don't really care how much the books cost.  They are a focal point in my decor, they are a treasure to have, hold, and look at, so if I have to pay the price once a year to have something so valued, I will.  When the price came to $160.00, pretty much how much they always cost, I didn't question it.  It never occurred to me that I should go through, painstakingly looking at each individual page of my preview.  The price was accurate, my dates were right (or so I thought) and I was anxious to add this book to my collection.  At checkout, they ask you if this is the book that you want.  I made sure the pictures that they put on the front and back were the ones that I wanted, made sure that I pushed the button that made sure to have it in the layout of my blog (instead of condensing the pictures and the texts to use less pages) and pushed Submit.  And just like that, $160.00 of Randy's hard-earned money was pretty much thrown into the garbage.  This book can not be used.  It doesn't have the whole year, the pictures are way too big, and if I didn't have words under each one (because who needs to make sure that we have descriptors about each photo of the Sea Lion Cave?!) then it was just one big picture on one page-- sometimes 15 pages behind the title of the post.  It was a complete and utter waste of money.  And it broke my heart even more.

5-  While on the phone with the guy, heart hurting even more with each passing minute, it was becoming harder to hold back the tears.  I knew it was my fault, even unintentional.  I knew it was for sure not his fault, but I still wished there was something he could do.  As I choked back the sobs, saying, "I am just so disappointed with this book!" he offered me a deal.  He would give me a 30% off coupon for my next book.  He knew I was crying.  He felt sorry for the emotional wreck on the other end of the line-- me.  I thanked him, hung up, and called Randy.

I called Randy, unable to get out more than two words through my sobbing.  I could barely breathe.  I had just thrown away ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!  That book is just useless.  I had made the simplest of mistakes that added up, in the perfect recipe, to disaster.  He was so good to me, like always.  He tried to make me feel better by saying that he has friends that spend thousands of dollars on guns that they keep secret from their wives.  I countered that at least the guns are useful.  He had to agree that that was a good point.  With a reassuring voice, soft and full of love, he told me that "he didn't care about the cost; order a new book.  He told me that if there was a fire in our home, those blog books would be something that he would want to save.  He values and cherishes those as much as I do.  He appreciates all the work I do, and doesn't care that they cost so much."  And just like that, I could breathe once more. 

I still cried.  For a long time.  Hard.  It really hurt to be so excited and have it turn into such a mess, but he made me feel better.  He always makes me feel better.  I love him so much.  I don't know what I do to deserve him.

I tried to print another book.  I can't.  I have 43 too many pictures for the book to handle.  I'll go back and take off some of the duplicates.  I'm going to have to work even harder to whittle down the ones that I can sacrifice.  This book is going to be the death of me.  But it's worth it.  They're worth it, to me.  I don't do this for me, per se, but for those I love most.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much when it doesn't turn out exactly how I envisioned.  I'm a brat!

Bonus: I now know not to order the "gray" one.  I know now that it is more pink than gray.

Teeth

After a nourishing breakfast of Vanilla yogurt (hey, at least it's not pickles again), I asked Ty to go and brush his teeth.

"But Mom, I didn't even have a messy meal!"

I love that this kid still gives me the funnest one-liners.  He kills me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a long time since Shelby has said something that was just cute/funny.

Again with teeth brushing:

"Mom, when I was brushing my teeth today, I hit one too sharp with my rough brush-bits, so it started to bleed.  My teeth shared their blood with me today."

Brush bits?  How adorable is that.  Sharing blood?  She is so innocent and adorable!

Baptisms for the...

I love driving the kids home after school.  Our bus stop is the last of the route, so the kids would get home close to 4:00.  That just doesn't work for me.  I pick up Evelyn and Cassidy, too, so it makes for a fun time every day.  Best friends always have the funnest, most relaxed conversations:)

Yesterday I was telling Evelyn about the schedule for Activity Day Girls (her first time going).  I would pick Shelby up from tutoring at 3:45, swing by and grab her at 3:50, drop them off, bring "the kids" back for their temple trip at 4:45, and be waiting for them to get done at 5:00.

An argument between Brennon, Evelyn, and Cassidy ensued about who was going to go to the temple.  Tyson finally stopped everyone by proclaiming, loudly,

"It is just going to be Caden and Keilie!  They are going to do baptisms to die!"

Otherwise known as Baptisms for the Dead.  We may need to do a FHE on that this week.  Imagine what his teacher must think.  Kind of like when Keilie told her preschool teacher, Miss Dolly, that I put her in the oven.  Awesome!  We Mormons are a peculiar people.

Lunch time

Tyson LOVES making his lunch for school. When he first went in to Kindergarten, he was super excited for school lunch. After the first two days, he proclaimed that he only wanted to bring his own from now on. He has not missed a day. 

Many mornings he has his lunch ready before I even come downstairs. He wakes up, goes to the bathroom, and heads straight to the fridge for his frozen lunch bag. I'm not sure why, exactly, but one morning I asked him what he was taking. I have baskets labeled with all that they need to take, giving options in each category: Main, fruit, snack, drink. (I would send more, but they barely have time to eat, it seems, with all the food they bring home each day) On this day, he had a packet of Ritz crackers and a drink. Um....no. 

"But Mom, yesterday I only had a drink and string cheese and I wasn't even hungry!"

Exaggerated silence, long stare. 

I have been grilling him on his lunch choices ever since. 

This morning, first thing: "Mom, don't judge me! I got this, and this, and this in my lunch box!"

Don't judge?!?! He kills me:)

Sacrament Meeting Talk

{Quote}  We pray for blessing.  We pray for peace.  Comfort for family.  Protection while we sleep.  We pray for healing, for prosperity.  We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.  And all the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things. What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.  ‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears?  And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?  What if trails of this life are Your mercies in disguise? {Quote}

The topic I have been give is, “Finding the Silver Lining in Adversity.”  Silver Lining is a metaphor for optimism in the common English Language.  However, I don’t see it as “optimism,” as much as I see it as a firm faith in my Heavenly Father, and his love for me.  Although some of the responses to adversity will vary, one response should be constant—trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Each person’s success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on his or her responses to the difficulties of life.

Long ago, the prophet Alma taught, “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.”  And now, in our day, in a talk given in 2009, Elder Henry B. Eyering said: 

{Quote}The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of Their infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life.  It is clear that for us to have that gift and to be given that trust, we must be transformed through making righteous choices where that is hard to do. We are prepared for so great a trust by passing through trying and testing experiences in mortality.

In this education we experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. That forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which we can only faintly comprehend.

And the disciple who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle. {Quote}

I am here to testify that I know that to be true.  If we have faith and accept our trials with the attitude of, “Here am I, send me” we can find peace in the midst of the struggles that our Heavenly Father has prepared to purify and perfect us. 

I would like to share two personal experiences; one during a significant trial, and one during a time of great happiness and peace.  I pray that my words may be helpful and give you encouragement.

On January 31, 2014, our family blog became more than just a way for our parents to know their grandchildren living states away, or even a journal for my own grandchildren to know us.  It became the central hub to quickly get any and all information about Caden to those that wanted to know.  In a previous post I’d written, I told of a story of going to the amusement park, Lagoon, with a best friend/cousin, comparing our cancer diagnosis and prognosis to that of a roller coaster. On April 23, 2014 I wrote:
{Here}
When I got the call from Brother Hammond, we were actually on vacation on the Oregon Coast.  We had heard many great things about the glass blowing that can be found there, so we decided to check it out for ourselves.  Little did we know, it would end up being one of the funner activities that we did.  When we got to the shop, there was a family taking classes, making beautiful glass-blown bowls.  Wanting for our kids to have the experience, and eager to try for ourselves, as well, we signed up for a class that we could all participate in.  We would make two paperweights, each with three flowers the colors of our choosing.  The kids each chose their favorite color, the placement of the three colors determining who went first.  Randy, Caden, Shelby, and Tyson went first, while Keilie and Brennon waited in the viewing area.  I got to play photographer. Our instructor (called a Gaffer) was Chris, a college student that has been blowing glass since he was 14 years old.  His job was to tell us how things needed to be done, with very little assistance other than promptings and encouragement.  Occasionally he would take over, shaping our product as only a professional knows how, but for the most part, it was all us.

He first pulled some molten glass from the oven, all the while twisting it on the stake to keep it as center as possible.  Immediately he handed the stake to Randy, telling him that he wanted him to practice for just a second before walking it across the room to the Glory Hole— a large open oven that glowed red-hot— never stopping the twisting motion.  Once Randy was certain that he had a handle on the twisting, he walked over, and with the guidance of our Gaffer, he proceeded to twist the molten glass in the fire.  A few words were spoken by Chris, instructing him here or there, but for the most part, Randy was in control of the project.  Once ready, Chris had Randy bring the stake over to the table where our kids had laid out their colored glass for their flower.  He had him drop the molten glass onto each circle of color, all the while making sure that he did it quick enough to keep it from cooling too much, or falling off of the stake.  Again, he had Randy take it to the fire.  Each time the glass was placed in the fire, it took on a red-hot hue.  After a few minutes, he had Randy take it out, bringing it to a special table that had the Master’s tools placed just-so, all-the-while twisting and moving it to keep it on center. 

A poker was used by each child to poke the center of their colored glass, to make the stem of the flower.  Later, Randy used needle-nosed pliers to twist and open each “stem,” circling the colors around for a prettier look. 

At this stage, our creation was cooled enough to collect the rest of our glass, the clear outer surface that would enclose and enhance our flowers.  He placed our small ball of cooled color directly into the molten glass chamber, circling and collecting the right amount needed to finish our project.  Again, Randy was put in charge of spinning, making sure our liquid, taffy-like glass stayed as close to the center of the stake as possible.  He had Randy bring the stake back to his tools table, where he took over for just a moment to show Randy what needed to be done.  A wooden rounding bowl was used to help shape it into a more round ball.  With all that is going through your head as you twist and twist, never having done it, not knowing if you are doing it right, wanting it to turn out perfect, I can understand how Randy didn’t hear him say he needed to be gentle.  Randy took that bowl in his hands, and like everything he does, he attacked it with a determined, perfectionist’s hand.  After a moment, Chris took over, saying that there might be some imperfections to the glass because of Randy’s determined fervor. 

After the final preparations were complete, Chris took our globe to the furnace where it would be kept severely hot for 14 hours, cooling as time drew to it’s end.  We had to wait until the next day, anticipating our final product, hoping it would be as beautiful as we had imagined.  And, oh what joy and happiness we felt when we got to see and hold our creations!

Our lives are like this glass.  A Master Gaffer, like our loving Heavenly Father, hands us our stake, knowing full well that we have never done such a thing and that we would be scared, yet excited to try.  There is no time to stop, there is no time to truly practice, there is no time to second-guess our efforts, you just start twisting and go. 

Trials are like the fire that turns the glass red-hot, or like the tools that shape the globe.  Even while directly in the fire, you must not stop twisting—in fact, that is when you need to twist with the most purpose.   And through it all, our Gaffer knew the exact moment to tell us when to take it out of the fire, he knew when the fire was too much for the glass.  He knew when it was time to be shaped just a little more perfectly.  The refiner’s fire is not a comfortable place to be. It involves intense heat and repeated shaping. But it is in the refiner’s fire we are purified and prepared to meet God.  Sometimes, we as fallible human beings, try to mold our trials with a little too much fervor.  We think that we know best how to shape them.  In those times, our loving Heavenly Father, like the Gaffer, takes our hands, guiding us in a gentle correction, all the while knowing the potential outcome of the work of art.  And just like in our globe, it’s the imperfections that give character, personality, and life to the masterpiece. 

Chris’s job was not to do it for us, but to help us make it.  We didn’t want to watch, we wanted to learn. And just like the poker and pliers that molded the flowers inside, so too can our trials mold us.  Our very centers can be pierced with the Spirit, while our lives can take on a shape of the Master’s choosing, if we only have faith to trust.  Elder Quentin L Cook has said: “The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness are forged in the furnace of affliction pur-fect and purify us and prepare us to meet God.”

In a 2007 General Conference talk by Henry B. Eyring, he spoke of an experience he had where the Spirit prompted him to write an experience down.  He states, {Quote} “Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?”  As I kept at it, something began to happen.  As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized the busy moments of the day.  As that happened, and happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done. 

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart.  Testimony grew.  I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers.  I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ.  And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance— even though that we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.” {Quote}

“Finding the Silver Lining” or “Looking for the Hand of the Lord” does not mean that the trials aren’t as hard as others, or that there is no pain involved, or even that they hurt less than the trials of those that do not see them as a part of Heavenly Father’s plan.  It doesn’t stop the depression or anxiety, no matter how much you wish you could “change your mind.”  But looking at our trials in another way, seeing them through Heavenly Eyes, knowing that ‘He gives nothing unto the children of men, save he should prepare a way for them to accomplish them,’ helps us recognize that the Lord has not left us alone in our trials.  It is a reminder that He is mindful of us, He loves us, and He wants to bless us.

{Bear Testimony}

Awkward

That awkward moment when your son is perplexed when you ask him if that is what he plans to wear in public. 

Texts

(Photo taken not 15 minutes after Caden acquired his cell phone)

Not many mothers of teenage sons can say they are honestly happy that their kid has a cell phone.  Since August (Keilie's birthday, to be exact.  "Happy Birthday, Keilie.  We're getting Caden a cell phone.) Caden has upheld his end of the cell phone bargain with exactness.  Not once has he ever had his phone in his room.  Not once has he taken his cell phone with him to bed, always leaving it plugged in downstairs, charging.  He doesn't complain (often) about having to babysit, thus earning the bill we pay for the phone.  He has never once given me a moment where I regretted giving him a phone at 14.

In fact, the last three days (and many others sprinkled into the mix) have made me appreciate the technology that he carries in his pocket.  Three days ago he called to say that none of the kids from Seminary had come to the bus stop with him.  I was confused, wondering if he had gone to the bathroom, or something, and just missed the bus.  He was adamant that he had come straight from the class to the stop.  "No problem, I'm on my way."  ~It's times like this that I am reminded how lucky I am to be able to stay home.  My kids are my number one concern, I answer to no one.  I love that!~  The scene that came into my view broke my heart just a little bit.  On the side of a large road, sitting all alone on a bench, was a boy in just a jacket, in 27 degree weather.  He looked so small on that large bench, with wide open spaces all around him.  And then it hit me: that's my son!  What the heck was he doing in just his jacket?!  Anyway...I picked him up, dropped him at school, and went about my day. 

Next day, same thing.  He was actually walking to the stop this time when he called.  I could hear him booking it.  "Mom, I just looked back.  No one is following me.  I wanted to make sure that I was earlier than yesterday, so I didn't wait for anyone.  I'm not sure where they are, or where they went, but they are not following me."  Again, I jumped in the car to go and get him, thankful that he didn't have to worry too long about how he was going to make it to school.  This time he had on his real coat!

Today I had him ask the kids, before class, what was going on with the buses.  He sent me a quick text before class started: I will be riding the bus today.  Apparently, with construction for the next few days, they had assigned a new route.  With his sickness the last two days before Christmas break, he missed the memo they had given.  No worries.  One more thing to make me appreciate the technology... I got a text with a picture of him on the bus, saying "Yay!!" and an "I love you." 

I love the little surprise it is to get "I'm at lunch" or "Had a good day at school today" or even "I hate this stupid teacher" texts from him.  It is proof that my son still thinks of me, even during his busy day.  One day I know I will curse that phone.  One day I know he will text some other girl, instead of me.  One day I know that it will be even more of a treasure to get texts from my son. 

For now- I'm content with how he uses that technology.

What size?!

While getting Caden ready for Youth Conference, we realized that Caden didn't have any boots that could handle the amount of snow that had fallen near Snoqualmie Pass.  In fact, the pass got a record amount of snow this past month, actually closing it for an entire day.  When we talked to Caden about this, he actually said that the ones that he had didn't fit him anymore.  He also said that his regular shoes and church shoes were getting pretty snug.  Knowing that we were already going shopping for last-minute Christmas gifts, we had him trace his foot on a piece of paper for us to take.

We got to Fred Myers and got in line to return some of the books that I purchased for Caden, later seeing that he already had them.  While in line, Randy remembered that he left the "foot" in the car.  I told him that it probably wouldn't be needed, because I knew he was in a size 6 right now and that his feet were just a little bit larger than mine.  We found the boot department and I tried on a pair.  They were just the perfect size too big, so I knew we had found the right ones.  Size 7, and we were out of there in record time.  Until he tried them on...

Randy: "Can I say it now?  I told you so."  They were too small.  I didn't realize that when Caden said they were a little snug, that that meant that his feet pretty much curled in the shoe.  Randy took him back to Fred Myers and got him a size 8.  I thought it was just because you get your boots a little large.  Nope!  The day that he got back from Youth Conference, we loaded up in the car to take all five kids shopping for winter boots and Sunday shoes.  Sure enough, my son went from a size 6 to a size 8!  And just like that, my son has bigger feet than I.

I wonder if Keilie will surpass me.  I wear mostly size 6.5, occasionally getting a 7.  All of my sisters and Mom wear the same size.  Keilie is coming up on me pretty fast, so she may surpass me too.  We'll see soon enough.

I may have to put a reminder in my phone, just like my air filters and Miracle Grow reminders.  Maybe something like: '1st Sunday of each month: Shoe check.'

As a side note: Caden finished the Brick 'Em Young Nauvoo Temple on Monday.  We went on to see that they now have San Diego and Washington DC.  One day, our home will be filled with Lego Temples.  And that will be just fine with me!

What color?

These pictures have nothing to do with the story as much as whom the story is about. I just love how big he got this balloon. And then it popped when I was upstairs. And it was LOUD from upstairs. 

My parents took each of our kids shopping for their Christmas gift. It was no surprise that Tyson got a Minecraft figurine set. This time it had the girl, Alex. I didn't even know it had a girl. He already has the Steve set, so I guess it was time for the girl set. Tyson needs no excuse to buy Minecraft. As he was showing me the set, he said,

"And she has my favorite color of hair!"

"Red is your favorite color of hair?"

"NO!?!!  Orange is. Why would you say it is red?"

The boy makes an excellent point! Why do we say that orange hair is red? 

Sledding

On New Year's Day, Russ and Randy packed up themselves and 8 kids between 14 and 4 for a day of sledding on Mount Baker. Need I say more as to their awesomeness?! I think not.

Brennon was being Brennon, not wanting to do much. I don't blame him. I don't like activities where I can't control the speed, either. The thought of going skiing for the second time in my life causes me hives. 

Tyson was being Tyson, fearless. Randy said he took a super hard tumble, stood shakily on his little legs, and bust up laughing. He has a massive bruise on his left cheek bone to prove it. 

Caden is a seasoned sledder. The nice thing was that it didn't take him a week to recover, this time. 

Keilie was Keilie. Played hard...

And rested more. 

Shelby was Shelby. Giggly and completely fun and adorable. 

Did my Mister deliver on a picture of my kids during a fun outing? He is so good to me!

Bumps? Sure. Bruises? You bet! Broken bones or busted heads? Nope!! I call that a success of the highest degree! What did I do all day, you ask?

Snuggled