Grateful

As I close out this year in words, the one word that comes to mind is: Grateful.  I am grateful for our health.  I am grateful for Randy's job, which he loves-- he's never enjoyed work this much.  I'm grateful for Reunions with both of our amazing extended families-- Burrell's July 2019, Dirks January 2020.  I'm grateful for the community of friends that surround my kids and us.  I'm grateful to close out another year in my dream home.  I'm grateful to have another driver for those times that I don't want to get groceries or take kids to activities.  I'm grateful that three of my kids have started on their orthodontia journey, and that they'll all have straight teeth before High School.  I'm grateful that I survived the year without a mental breakdown-- I was really scared.  But most of all, I'm grateful for the knowledge that we're Sealed together Forever.  The pain is still so intense, the Missing still so acute, that I honestly don't know where I'd be without the certainty that I'll be with Caden again, that I'll see his face and kiss his cheeks and never have to let him go.  I look forward to the day where I'll bathe the feet of my Savior with my tears as I thank Him for making it possible to one day have my entire family together again.  I'm grateful.  I'm so grateful.

Christmas 2019

We told the kids not to wake us this morning until 7:30am, but we ended up greeting them at 6:30am to enhance the surprise and fun of the day.  My only gift request was a quick picture in front of the tree.  All presents were opened by 7:30am.  All presents were up in their room by 8:00am, including Shelby's room makeover (Remember her sweet Santa List that said, "Quality time with Mom and Dad").  All Christmas decorations were packed away and rooms vacuumed by 9:00am.  The rest of the day was spent napping, snacking, and playing.  PERFECTION!!!

 December 25th, not June 29th as you might be tempted to think from these shirtless pictures.

After Christmas lunch, we napped and went to visit Caden.

 Just a girl driving her family in the big vehicle on the way to her brother's gravesite.

I love that we didn't plan for it to be so festive, but it turned out that way anyway.  I also love that Randy found a better angle to take our family selfies with Caden.  I still cannot believe that this is real, that these are the only pictures we'll ever have of him ever again.  My heart hurts so much still whenever I think about the loss.  It's a very real, physical hurt, like someone has punched me, or my heart is literally burning me from the inside out.  I just can't believe it's real still.  I'm so grateful we're a Forever Family.  The alternative would truly break my heart.

"Polar Express"

We woke up this morning at 3:30 for an adventure.  Jackie and Darwin gifted us with a more-than generous gift this year, so we decided to purchase and experience instead of something that could be set aside after a few weeks.  We'll never forget our "real" train ride.  I say real, because we've taken the Hogwarts Express and other amusement park train rides, as well as a commuter train from Roy to Salt Lake City, but never have we taken a train that has rails from one end of the country to the other, with many stops in between.  It was an experience we will never forget.

(Ticketed tote filled with goodies and games)

We arrived at the train station in time to watch a few trains come and go by in a flash.

It was neat being able to decipher that a train was approaching because of the growing sound and vibrations.

Five minutes before our train was scheduled to arrive, they called us forward to give us our seat assignments, because we were the largest group travelling.  Everyone else was just sent to the train to find an open seat.

Because Randy is used to the hustle and hurry of plane boarding, he didn't know we had enough time to stop long enough to attempt a selfie-- which I asked for-- instead, just snapping a picture of us in front of the train before checking to see if we were even looking, let alone smiling, at the camera.

 We were a bit loud trying to find our seats before realizing that people were actually on the train and sleeping.  It should have crossed our minds that people would be on the train already, but it just didn't.  We boarded the train at 5:25am for a 5:30am departure, so the poor people that had ridden from Spokane or before got a rude awakening as we talked in our loud way telling the kids to "find our seats, you two here, you two there, sit down, smile at the camera, isn't this so cool?!"

 The embarrassed, repentant screamers, ready for a day on the rails.

 I'm not one that can easily fall back asleep once I wake up, no matter how little sleep I got.  My anxiety rarely allows for a nap, even if my body is completely exhausted.  Once that alarm goes off, I'm awake until I take drugs to help me fall asleep.  It was fun watching out the window as I sat next to my sleeping Mister while the light came more and more into the train car.

 I wanted to capture how amazing the train seat experience is!  Not only do the seats have enough room between each row to allow for the seat backs to come back all the way, but they have an actual leg rest and foot rest to recline comfortably-- think Lazy-boy!  They're double in width than a plane seat, and are just all-around incredibly comfortable!  Not to mention the 5 bathroom stalls, extra space for kids to roam, sleeping cars, and a dining car!!  I wish I could ride the train to St. George, Utah in a few weeks!

 I love that I got to see Mount Hood with the sun coming up, the beautiful Columbia River, and the opening of the clouds at just the right moment.  It was majestic.

 It was only for a few minutes that we got to see the sun coming up-- once we passed Mount Hood, the clouds became too thick again and became our expected gray day.

 Love the view inside and outside of our train car.

 We arrived in Portland at 9:40am, well rested and ready for a day of play!

 Finally, our selfie, even though you can't tell we're in front of a train.

A security guard saw us trying for one, so he asked if he could take one for us.  You still can't really tell it's a train, but it's nice to have it anyway.

 We walked through the station (which was 10 times bigger and nicer than our station in Pasco) to meet our mode of transportation --another experience for everyone, other than Randy-- Uber.  We were on our way to The Cheesecake Factory!

 My mouth, it waters!

Shelby and Tyson shared a Teriyaki Chicken, Keilie got a steak, I got a Margherita Pizza, Randy got some steak medallions, and Brennon got Chicken Taquitos.  We all shared from one another's plate, but then shared three slices of Cheesecake: One carb-watchers Original Strawberry for Randy, an Original Strawberry and Salted Caramel slice for the rest of us.  We were all STUFFED by the time we were done!  We walked around the mall that was attached to The Factory for a few hours and then ordered another Uber to take us to an attraction that Randy has always wanted to do...

 The tram that goes from the river all the way up to the top of the mountain.  

Randy has come often to Portland, but never done this.  What better time to go than when you're on an adventure?!

 There wasn't much to it, other than the 360 degree view, since it ends at the Medical Center College, but it was fun to do something that Randy has always wanted to do.  The smell took me back to the many months I spent in the hospital (which didn't feel very grand), but it ended up making me incredibly grateful that we never had to worry about spending any of the "big holidays" in the hospital.  We missed out on a few fun ones, Caden and I, but never one that we cared too much about.

Because Ubers were starting to add up a bit, and because there wasn't too much to do on Christmas Eve, we got our last Uber back to the station to wait for our train departure.  Not the funnest, but we would have done the same thing if we needed to catch a flight.  Sometimes you just have to be bored as you wait to board!

 We had to giggle that all of our kids were on their electronics.  Since they hadn't had them the entire day, and because they never get a full day of "free time," it was like a treat to be able to have them for so long.  I seriously wonder if they were a little glad that we waited for two hours at the train station, since they got to do whatever they wanted on their electrons!

 Yep!  We're the parents of those addicted kids!

The station started to really fill up, with benches filled and people standing around, waiting.  We found out that one of the trains that commutes daily from Seattle was delayed.  Where they should have departed an hour and a half before us, it was now delayed until an hour after us.  How grateful we were to board our train right on time (it parked and stayed in the same spot the entire day) after seeing people somewhat stranded at the train station on Christmas Eve!

Because the sun goes down so early this time of year, our train ride home was all in the dark.  We'd wanted to head towards Montana for our train ride experience, but because the sun goes down so early, the entire trip would have been dark at the most important spots.  It's not just being on a train that I wanted to my kids to experience, but watching the landscape speed by, which is why we decided on Portland in the first place.  Well, that, and Cheesecake...  The dark didn't stop Keilie from trying to see what passed.  It was also really neat to come up on all of the Christmas lights as we neared towns.  It added to the magic.

 We made it home at 9:00pm, opened our Secret Siblings gifts, and sent the kids to bed, telling them they couldn't wake us up before 7:30am.

 I don't think there will ever be a Christmas that doesn't make me cry as we set out filled stockings and put the finishing touches for Christmas Day.  I miss him so, so much.  It still hurts more than I can say.

 What a grand adventure we got to go on today.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Answered Prayers

20 years ago tonight I said my first of many earnest prayers over a three and a half month period:  "Heavenly Father, I love him so much.  He's the only one I want.  Please, if it is right, let him become my husband."

My prayers were answered.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Kids

A few years ago I read an article about taking pictures of those things that would remind you of the times your kids were littler, because you'll miss those times later in life.  I have taken pictures of kids leaving one shoe on different stairs as they walk up to their rooms, backpacks and coats left on the ground just under the hooks installed so they don't have to use hangers, food left in places that they knew they shouldn't have food,  and other things that my kids have done throughout the years that made me roll my eyes, but remind me that kids will be kids.  So when I walked into our front room to find this...

I had to smile.  Thank you, Brennon-- 12 in just a few weeks-- for reminding me that kids will be kids long after you'd think this would have stopped.  Seeing this, and realizing that these things are becoming far and few between, has given me a burst of nostalgia-- I really do miss this, and I'm not even to the stage where it just won't happen anymore.  I'm grateful for that article that made me look at those fingerprints on the windows as more than just an annoyance, but another way to look closely at my kids in love.  It made it an endearing quality only small kids possess.  I'm grateful for this stage in my life.

Companion

I woke super early this morning because of a blinding headache.  I stumbled my way to the kitchen to get some pain reliever in me, as well as a bite to eat to ensure it wouldn't hurt my stomach.  As I flopped onto the kitchen chair, I heard the tell-tell signs of Mira getting off of the couch, padding over to the table, and settling herself at my feet.

Her quiet ways have such a calming effect on my soul.  She is my constant companion whenever I sit down, but never pushes for me to do anything for her.  She is just there, comforting me when I need it, a presence that makes everything better.  She is such a blessing in our lives, even at those times that we don't necessarily need therapy.  She may have been searched for as therapy for Caden, but I will always believe she was brought into our lives for us all.  We are so blessed with this Miracle.

New Calling

After three years and a few months, I have been released from my all-time favorite calling: Nursery.  It was a calling that I did not want, and was actually scared we'd get called to as newlyweds in Texas, but turned out to the the best thing for me at this stage of my life.  Their love, their snuggles, earning their trust, their stories, their acceptance was just what my broken heart needed.  I have loved it more than I could ever imagine, nor now express.  I will now move on to work with the 10-11 year old Primary Activity girls.  I'm excited, but it's hard to say goodbye to something that has helped me deal with our loss.

And then the dad of one of my new girls brought this to my home.  I'm ready, and I am excited.  I'm going to love these girls, and they're going to know it throughout the coming year, and for the rest of their lives.  Let's do this.

Yes!

Tyson, tentatively asking while the girls were at a Youth Activity, clearly expecting me to say no: "Mom, would you maybe drive me and Brennon around to battle Pokemon?"  The surprise and joy in both of their reactions' made going out in the cold tonight completely worth it.  I love surprising my kids with something they want but didn't think they'd get.

Elementary

Just a boy going to a pajama party at school, where he'll do a mug exchange and watch a fun Christmas movie with pillow, blanket, and stuffed animal.  Elementary School has the most fun!

Treasures

Having a child that can drive has all sorts of hidden treasures.  Well, not so much hidden, but when it is realized, it feels like a treasure.  Our car has a recall to fix an airbag issue.  I had plans to drop it off tomorrow morning, and ask my friend to come and grab me.  Then Randy reminded me: Keilie can drive, and I could drop it off tonight and side-step the hassle of early-morning traffic.  And just like that, I had a ride.  It feels just like that first time Caden could babysit for us!  What a joy it is to having kids getting older, becoming more independent and resourceful.

First name basis

There once was a time when a Sister Missionary said, "I didn't know Brother Dirks was married before," because she didn't recognize me in a photo.  In her defense, pregnancy is not kind to me from 20- weeks on.  Seeing the name our neighbor put on our Christmas gift, I'm wondering if she thinks he has been married before, too.  Too bad our Christmas card doesn't have my name written on it-- that would be an easy way for her to learn my real name without feeling awkward in front of my face when she learns she's had it wrong for as long as she's known me.

Sadies 2019

Keilie had Sadies last night.  It didn't go the way she or I had thought it would.  That's not to say it wasn't seriously fun, it just didn't go the way we thought it would from the moment she asked Jakob to go with her.

The Monday before the dance, the couple they'd planned to go with broke up.  Well, that's when she found out about it, anyway-- they'd been broken up for two weeks and didn't say anything to Keilie.  The girl had also gotten grounded from going at all, so Keilie was left with a date to a dance and no group to go with.  Since Keilie was just going along with them, not really being one to make any of the decisions, this really stressed her out.  She and Jakob made a plan, though, and turned the night around in a way they thought was fun.  I'm sad that they didn't actually make it to the dance, but I'm glad she had a good time.

Since he is a Senior, he was able to drive them both.  He picked her up at 6:00pm and took her to his favorite Japanese place: Yummy Pho.  She was nervous, since she's like me and not very adventurous with food, but she ended up finding something that she really liked.  They stayed and talked, being joined by friends as they got off work, until the restaurant closed at 9:00pm.  They all then went to a friend's house for some good ole fashioned video games until 11:30pm.  She said it was so much fun, and not awkward at all, since she didn't have to dance with only him all night.  She is always so worried about that.

The theme for the dance had been Jerseys.  They'd planned to wear this, even though you can't tell that they're "matching."  I would like to think I would have been OK letting him borrow Caden's jersey, but I really don't know what I would have done had Keilie asked.  I think that would have been too hard for me.  Glad it never came to that, even though it would have been neat to see them matching a little more.  Oh well.

While I wish she had the picture package from the dance to remember the school activity, I'm glad she had such a great time.  I'm sure Jakob's mom wishes the same thing, since this is his last year of High School, but what are you gonna do?  It was also really neat to hear his mom say how cool it was that he finally asked for her help in answering Keilie, and that she was so excited that this was the first dance that he'd been asked to.  That did my heart good.  So much fun having a daughter going to dances!!!

Preparing

Our Christmas tradition of Good Deeds is still the best thing we do each year to help us keep Christ the center of the holiday.  For every good deed we do, we place a string of "hay" in the manger to prepare for the Christ Child on Christmas morning.  I have considered getting an actual baby doll to represent placing him in it after reading Luke 2 on Christmas morning, but have yet to.  Someday.  For now, the manger and our Nativity picture is placed in front of our trimmed tree and Christmas gifts (since we have never celebrated Santa, all of our gifts are wrapped and placed under the tree the moment they're purchased) as the center focus or our home and our holiday.

Brennon came home from school today, sad that he hadn't met his goal of 20 good deeds while at school.  As he was telling Randy, he jerked to a stop, realization on his face, and asked, "Dad, would it be considered a good deed if I helped someone open their orange?"  Randy said yes.  Brennon hopped, thrusting his arm in the air, and ran to grab one more piece of "hay" for the Christ child, exclaiming "yes, yes, yes!,".  That display is what we hope for-- a boy excited to help others so he can prepare a place for Christ in his life.

Merry Christmas from Brennon Wayne Dirks!

Matchy-Matchy

I was invited to a gift exchange party last night.  Jamie asked if I wanted to ride over with her and help Tara get a few of the last-minute preparations completed.  Leave early for a party?  Yes, please.  When Jamie walked in, I had to smile-- we were wearing the exact same shirt,  Outfit, really, since we were both wearing jeans. 

We snapped a picture and then I went to change my shirt.  When we arrived at Tara's house and she opened her door, I had to laugh...

 While not the exact same shirt, it was pretty close.  I love my friends!

I had fun making my appetizer: A Snowman Cheeseball.  SO easy!!  16 oz. cream cheese, 3.5 cups sharp cheddar cheese, 1 Ranch dry-spice packet.  Mix thoroughly.  1/3 mixture shaped into a ball, wrapped with cling wrap, 2/3 mixture, same thing, placed in the fridge for at least four hours.  Roll in finely shredded jack cheese.  Baby carrot and peppercorn for decoration.  Easy- Peasy!

We played a fun game to exchange the gifts.  Tara came up with fun questions, such as "Who has read Harry Potter?"  Those that had read it stood up and exchanged their gifts, without opening them.  After the 22 questions were read, we all opened our gifts one-by-one so the others could see.  So many fun, great gifts!  It was fun to laugh, to chat, and to listen to the fun stories.  Oh, and the food-- DELICIOUS!!!

Randy and I went to Costco on Saturday.  As I was walking past the blanket bin, I commented to Randy, as I was feeling the soft blankets, that maybe we should just buy one for me to snuggle on the way home.  I was only half kidding.  As I opened up my gift tonight, I was excited to receive a soft blanket in the exact pattern and color I was wanting!  It was fun to get out and be with friends.  It's been hard for me to socialize in that setting for a long time, so it was nice to be invited and be able to keep my anxiety at bay.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Good Lookin'

I feel like I have two settings: Pretty and Butt Ugly.  There is no middle ground for me.  *Truth be told, there are times that I don't really care about being BU, because I don't want to take the time to do my hair and face.*  When I walked into my bathroom after my workout this morning, I actually gasped and recoiled at my appearance...

 Solid Butt Ugly moment.  Honestly, is it Halloween, 'cause those spider legs are freaking fantastic.  I looked at Randy, in all my hot-mess glory, and thanked him for staying married to me.  After nearly nineteen and a half years, I consider that man a saint.

I came out to find Mira passed out on the couch.  After my strenuous workout, I felt fortunate to actually see my Spirit Animal in the exact position I felt was necessary.  It's not every day you get to witness your Spirit Animal, after all.

Thanksgiving 2019

My parents left on Tuesday afternoon for Boise, where they'd travel up on Wednesday morning from, headed for here.  Wednesday morning, Shelby woke at 5:00am with a fever of 102.7.  I knew what it must be-- the flu.  I sent a text to both Ashlee and my parents, letting them know she most likely had the flu, in case they wanted to change their plans.  Because my Mom has diabetes, my Dad worried that she'd contract it, even though she'd had the flu shot.  Because things metabolize so differently in her body now, she tends to get different things, as well as her sugars going sky-high when she travels.  It broke my heart, and my kids' hearts, but I knew it was for the best.  Hearing how brutal the flu was, I didn't want my Mom to be that sick.  Ashlee said there was no difference between her kids going to school and coming here, as long as we kept things clean and Shelby quarantined, so she came!

I was super excited to have them visit, since it had been so long since we'd gotten together, but the second Shelby came down to greet them and I yelled at her to stay in her room, I realized that maybe it wasn't going to be as amazing as I thought-- I never thought about how it would feel to her to be stuck in her room, feeling like death, all alone on Thanksgiving.  With the medicine in her system and no fever, we cleansed the house with clorox, used hand sanitizer often, and masked her to come down for a few hours on Thanksgiving Day.

We ordered our turked from a local smokehouse restaurant, so all we had to do was reheat everything.  It was the easiest Thanksgiving meal ever.  There was a lot of noise and laughter around the table as we feasted on good food.  I did a fun "picture" where all of the kids froze in a fun pose while I panned around the table in slow motion.  I wish I could put it on here.  Funny thing, I never realized that you'd be able to hear people talking in the background, so it kind of took away from the fun when you could hear voices in the background.  The first time I saw it there was no sound, so it surprised me when I heard it with sound that I had never ever realized that you'd hear anything.  Kind of funny.

 We had a Unicorn stop by, too, which was lots of fun!

A few of us took a little drive to wish Caden a Happy Thanksgiving.  It was freezing, so we didn't stay long, but it was nice to go.

 Ellie joined us for Gingerbread House fun.  Seriously, Keilie has given us some facial gems this holiday season!  LOVE her!!

 Want one, Aunt Steph?

Worth it!

 Can't leave our Mira-kins out.  I love how loved she is by everyone, not just us.  She really is the best dog in the world!

I got a little teary eyed as I captured this picture of Caden's favorite, because it reminded me so much of one of my all-time favorite pictures of Caden the day Randy brought her home.

These two really did share such a special bond.

Friday was Brennon's turn to get a fever.  This flu is going to trickle through our family one-by-one, I can tell.  It tried to derail our plans, but it didn't dampen the love and joy that filled our home with laughter and squeals as we made memories that will last a lifetime.  I love my family!!