Mid-30's Heaven!

I turn 35 today! It is a wonderful day! The best day if you ask me! Caden told me today that he knows his heart is doing better. What more can I ask for? 

Nothing. The world is perfectly amazing!

I am the luckiest girl in the world!!

Randy asked me what I wanted today. I told him it was to finish a project on the rental update. He obliged!

A new floor. Blood from Randy slicing his finger. Sweat from both of us as we squat all night laying it down. And tears as I stood back and looked at the fruits of our elbow grease. I seriously love working side-by-side with my Mister.

Best.birthday.gift.ever!

Headstones

I love the times that I can bring my kids down to Utah and take them to see my sister's grave. Sure miss you, Keilie Fran. 

It was a surreal conversation when Keilie said she wanted to be buried next to Aunt Keilie and then Caden told us the headstone he wanted. It was a joke to Caden, but a little too close for comfort for me. I acted as if I was really listening, enjoying his silliness, but in truth: I wanted to run. 

Caden was once asked if he is worried about death. He said he never really thinks about it. I wish I could be so innocent. 

Happy Memorial Day!!

Vi...what, now?

Shelby was telling us that we are all animals. Tyson pipes up, "We are all viviparous, not oviparous. Oviparous comes from an egg, viviparous comes live from the mommy's tummy."

I was taught by my Kindergartener today. Thems are some big words, Ty!

Chapter Endings

We have come to the end of Caden's IV nutrition chapter.  Hooray!!!

Unfortunately we have come to the end of the Pazopanib chemo pill chapter as well. 

We're taking a break until June 8th from all things cancer.  Our next care conference will be shaped by what we see on the CT scan.  If we don't see anything, we'll plan to take the PICC line out and just play for the entire summer, until the next CT scan in September.  If we do see something...

To Be Continued...

In other news: We're headed to a funeral this weekend for Randy's Grandpa that passed away due to cancer.

Man, I hate cancer so much!!

Recess

Tyson's name was called over the intercom of the entire school, naming him the winner of all of Kindergarten for what he chose to do with his after-lunch recess. He was bursting at the seems to tell me all about it. 

Instead if playing on the toys, Tyson chose to run. That's right- run. He clocked more than any other Kindergartener at TWENTY FIVE miles!

Congratulations, Tyson! If we have to elect a tribute for The Hunger Games, at least you know you can survive longer than I would! 

Keiks!

One of the constant struggles we have always had with Keilie was getting her assignments turned in completed and on-time.  Some times she would have them completely done, yet not turn them in for whatever reason.  Most times, however, she would tell us she didn't have homework, that she left it in her locker, that there was testing, that there was a sub, etc. and then have a missing assignment.  It has been a huge struggle for as long as she has been in school.

 I kind of wish we didn't know how high her IQ was.  In this way, it makes it a little more maddening to me that she gets such poor grades because of her missing assignments.  I want to take her by the shoulders, and while shaking sense into her, yell, "Of everyone in this family, you have the most intellect (that we know of) to succeed!!"

I'm not sure what the turning point was, since we have done the exact same thing since second grade as punishment or reward, but she has not had a missing assignment in over a month.  Her grades have improved substantially, as has her mood and the mood of the house.  As I watch her flourish in a world that I know she has the ability to conquer, I can't help but think, "See, Keilie, you can do this!  I knew you had it in you.  Keep up this same routine and hard work and you will accomplish anything that you can imagine!"

She has a final grade assignment that will count for a lot of her World History final grade.  She has been working on it for a couple week, using some of the materials that we get with each shipment of Caden's refrigerated TPN.  Last night, as she was feverishly painting the last of the base, I could finally see the project as she sees it in her head.  She is making a four-tiered Japanese rice field.  Pictures when she finishes, if she says I can.  When she described it to me in great detail before she began, it went way over my head.

"Mom, trust me, it's going to be great if I can do it like I see in my head."

It's not even done yet, and I am extremely impressed.  Truly, she has an eye for design.  My girl is growing into quite the young woman.  She may keep her room looking like a tornado ran through it, but it's mostly from pulling out all the stops to make her projects into how she sees them in her mind.  Her beautiful, fast-working, amazing mind.  My girl is flourishing in a world that she has never been ahead in, a world that is so important for the rest of her life.  She is getting a taste of how it feels to succeed.  I know that if she can keep it up, caring as much about it later as she does now, she will continue to do as she did when she stood in front of 300+ people in Sacrament meeting to give her talk at barely 12 years old-- astonish us all.

I love having a teenage daughter.  It may get old real fast, her sassy little 'Brattitude' (as Caden calls it), but I can't help being struck with deja vu.  She is just.like.me.  I get her.  I understand why she is lashing out sometimes, stretching her legs in this new world she is living and learning in.  I can see a change in her.  And I love it.  Every bit.  I love seeing her grow, I love seeing her learn, I love being with her.  I love being her mom.  She is my Keiks!

Infomercial

 For just over a week we have been fixing up and cleaning one of our rentals, trying to get it ready for new renters by July 1st.  As you can see from the picture above, we need the entire six weeks to get it in livable condition.  How long did it take to get this bath tub shining, you ask?

20 minutes.  So, here goes my infomercial...

(Cough, cough) "I have found the best cleaner for the bath tub!  It consists of two ingredients that we all have around our homes, but once mixed become a super agent.  Blue Dawn and Vinegar.  I mixed half and half in a regular spray bottle and simply sprayed every inch of the surface. I let it soak for 5 minutes while I gather a bucket of water (the water needed to be shut off in the whole house due to some Master shower pipe issues) for the rinse.  I grabbed a scrub brush, thinking I would get a good arm workout, yet was pleasantly surprised when the grime and black just sloughed off.  Truly, it wiped off without pressing even a little bit.  I just brushed over the entire surface and then rinsed and dried the whole thing.  20 minutes and it went from black to bright. 
 Purchase a kitchen brush where you can put the solution in the handle and keep one in your shower at all times.  Brush your shower down while you let your condition sit on your hair, and then rinse the shower while you rinse your hair.  It cuts down on the soap scum like nothing ever has.  It's amazing.  Try it, for real!"

You're welcome.

Last Game

I came into this Baseball thing kicking and screaming. Literally. Tyson has been asking to get into it for a couple years, but we have just been too busy. And if I am being honest, I don't like sports that are outside in the Spring. I hate wet clothes and rain showers that are prevalent in the Spring tend to make wet clothes. So when Randy said he wanted to sign him up smack dab in the middle of cancer care, I threw a huge fit. If there would have been a board game on a table, it would have been swiped to the ground. Not really, but that is the type of temper tantrum I was throwing at the thought of adding one more thing to my already overflowing plate. 

Fast forward to today- the last game of the season. Where I thought I would cry tears of joy for the season to be over, I am actually going to miss it. It is fun watching him participate in something he has waited so long to do. Something that he is actually really good at. 

From this...

(Playing Baseball on the Wii January 21, 2016- "I can't wait to play this in real life.")

To this....

Has been an incredibly fun ride.

For the record- "I was wrong. Randy was right. Baseball was the perfect thing for Tyson, and the perfect distraction for the rest of us. I am glad we signed Tyson up when we did."

Go Richland Gray!!! 

WIN

It has been warm here for a few weeks.  At one point, it was getting into the 90's even.  There has been a bit of a cool spell, so last night was around 75 degrees.  However, Tyson had baseball practice during some of the hottest hours of the day.  He was a sweaty mess when he got into the car last night.

"Mom, you know when you have a sweaty head and then the cold air blows on your forehead? To me, it feels like my head is turning into gold, it feels that good."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tyson has been calling himself Tyson Darwin for a few days now.  The other day, as he was zooming around the house getting ready for school, he was finishing his morning chores before Shelby and Brennon.  When he proclaimed that he always wins, I thought he was referring to getting his stuff done first.

"My name has D-a-r-W-I-N.  I always WIN!"

I tell you what, Darwin sure won when he married Jackie and they had Randy!  Or did I win because Darwin won Jackie and they had Randy?

Darwin, I'll flip you for the win.  Heads, I win, Tails, you lose.  Kay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning Tyson told me that he slept with his socks and shoes on.

"I'm tired of having to work so hard to get dressed in the morning!"

I mean, where can you find the time to get socks and shoes on in the 2 hours you have from waking up to leaving for the bus, I ask you?!

GRANDparents

When my parents came up for Brennon's baptism/birthday, I was able to capture this cute picture during Sacrament meeting. 

Aria squeezed in between me and my dad, grabbed his hand, and placed her small one in it. It was seriously adorable. 

This week, we got to have Jackie join us for Sacrament meeting when she came up for Caden's birthday. I looked over and saw this...

My little Brennon holding Grandma's hand. 

I love that my kids (although Aria isn't mine) get to know and love their grandparents. I'm grateful they travel up often to see us, especially since cancer has made it difficult to travel down to see them. 

I love family. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.   

GOLDEN!

Happy Golden Birthday, Caden!!

15 has never looked so handsome!

Thank you for getting older.

Keep up the good work.

YOU ARE LOVED!!!!

Let's start driving practice tomorrow!!! 
'Cause if you are anything like your dad, you need a lot of practice! 

 Caden wanted a cheesecake and Apple Pie for his dessert.  Thank you, Marie Calendars, for making his birthday cake this year.

 Thank you Grandpa and Grandma for coming up for the weekend.

My wish continues every day my kids are allowed to grow.

Tee is for Tooth

 Tyson is doing so well in Baseball.  He didn't need the Tee one time this game.  Most games he hits the ball more than needs the Tee, but this one he didn't need it at all.  It must have been all of the family that came to cheer him on.  Thank you Grandma and Grandpa Dirks, Aunt Brooke, Chad, and cousin Kenyan!  It was a great game!

As you can see from the pictures, it has been a dreary, rainy day.  That didn't stop us from having a great day, though.

One ray of sunshine came in the form of Tyson's determination to get his first tooth out.  He said it was wiggly, but it turned out to be just barely so.  When I told him that I'd give him extra money if he could get it out while Grandma and Grandpa were here, he became a boy on a mission.  It was not ready (although not as bad as Shelby's not-ready tooth that ended up being an extraction) to come out, but he wanted it out, so Randy helped.  And by helped, I mean Helped!  

Yet, not one tear was shed.  It hurt BAD, but he didn't cry once.  He just wanted that extra money.  I'm gonna give him gold dollar coins.  They are harder to come by, and I feel they are the extra umph he needs after that thrilling performance.

Tyson's new song for tonight: "It's raining, it's pouring, I lost my first tooth..."

He was giddy all night.  What do you think he prayed about first thing?  You guessed it, his tooth.  Everything he talked about was in reference to losing his first tooth.  He was quite adorable. 

When this boy wants something, he's gonna get it.  Whether it's ball games or medical dentistry, we always have such a fun time watching Tyson in action.  He is such a cool kid.  Tough, yet still so sweet.

Heart

This week was such an amazing week!  Because Caden didn't take the Pazopanib, we quickly noticed a HUGE improvement with everything.  He ate more...gaining 1.2 kg this week.  January 20th (the Deja vu, 'you have another massive tumor' day) Caden weighed 46.6 kg.  As the effects of cancer and chemo ravaged his body, we started to worry about the feeding tube cut off at 42.6 kg.  Remember, that was when Caden put his foot down, saying he would never have another feeding tube as long as he lived.  That was when he was plunged head first down the slippery spiral of undernourishment.  March 9th (Surgery) he weighed 36.6 kg.  That is a difference of 20+ pounds in just 6 weeks!  Today he is 42.6 kg again!!  Caden ate this week.  Not once did I have to ask him!  Peeps, a massively hungry teenage boy was living at our house this week, thanks to no chemo.

Because of the seriousness of the heart findings, Caden took it pretty easy this week.  He walked, but we weren't trying to keep up his endurance regiments.  Mostly, he stayed close to the couch.  However, there was a difference in the whole aura around him.  Gone was the fatigue that had been plaguing him, gone was the winded marathon of the stairs, replaced by a boy that probably could have ran a marathon, but for the heart findings.  All of this energy, thanks to no chemo.

There was more jokes, more laughing, more engaging in family activities, more happiness, more excitement, more of just everything.  It was an amazing week that culminated by an amazing weigh in that brought him up to a weight we have been waiting to see on the scale for weeks.  It was fantastic!  And it only got better.....

Our appointments today were put together to give as little wait time in-between each one.  Labs were drawn first, echo 30 minutes later, with Sue just 30 minutes after that.  Usually we have labs drawn and then have to wait around for an hour for them to finish.  This way, everything felt like it was going super fast because we just kept moving around, it was nice.  However, when we finally got in with Sue, the report for the echo hadn't been submitted by the head radiologist.  Sue did her check-up, Nutrition came in and partied with us- telling us that we would do another week of the 12-hours of TPN, and that if all went well we would stop soon- and then we just waited around.  About 2:00, Sue said she was going to go call Radiology.  This had me a bit worried.  The last time she didn't get a report right away, she called down while in the room with us.  That was when we heard that the tumor may have attached itself to his liver.  Her leaving the room this time had me thinking that she was concerned enough to leave so that I wouldn't get bad news while she was on the phone.

When she walked back in 15 minutes later, I noticed her solemn face and felt my stomach burn instantly white-hot.

(Perplexed) "Caden, your heart is healed.  I can't believe it.  I am so surprised!  I just can't believe it!  In all of my experience, this has never happened.  Your heart is completely fine!"

And the partying decibles were bumped up by 4,005 whatevers!  Caden's heart has not been damaged by toxic amounts of chemo!  His heart corrected the problem and is totally fine!

So.....here's the dilemma.  We have just come off of an AmAzInG week without chemo.  Caden was a "normal" teenage boy, free from ANY effects of cancer.  Well, effects that can be seen with the naked eye, anyway.  So, do we choose the option that would allow him freedom from side effects, yet would allow the aggressive cancer free reign of his precious belly?  Or, do we gratefully give him a smaller dose of the drug that will make him a little sicker each day, yet hopefully stunts any growth?  Which sickness do we let win?  Which daily life does he want right now?

We let Caden choose.

"It wasn't that bad going on Pazopanib.  It was a lot easier than either of the other chemos I have tried.  I choose chemo."

So he will now take 400 mg. of Pazopanib, instead of 600 mg.  He has another echo in two weeks.  That's right, we do not have to travel to Seattle for two whole weeks.  It is going to feel like an eternity since we have made that drive, on May 25th.

So here's the teensy bit scary part: If that echo shows even the slightest change in the direction it went last week, he is done with Pazopanib forever.  That will be proof that his body can't handle this drug.  Sue was giving me all of the possible scenarios, should we be forced to be done with Pazopanib, before the results came in.  Now I know that she was preparing me for what she thought was going to happen.  As it turns out, Caden's heart healed itself.  Again, he stunned Sue.

Again, he became our Miracle.

I heard these two quotes by Chris Belcher today, quotes that spoke to my heart as we drove to a kind of scary appointment:

1- Don't allow your heart to be hardened by hard times.

&

2- There is a purpose in your suffering.  You are being changed, remodeled, stretched, and polished for Eternal Glory.  If we trust in and choose Christ amid our difficulties, our hard times will become Holy.

My heart is so full.

CT Scan on June 8th, to see if we still have the upper hand in this game we call cancer.  Can you believe it is almost 3 months since the surgery?  Unreal!

MOM

My heart is so full.  I can't stop crying, I love these little humans so much.  These beautiful children are all I ever wanted in life, besides a husband that I could adore.  I am who I am because of these blessings.  I have many nicknames, but Mom is the one that warms my heart the most.  I am truly the luckiest mom in the world.

I thought I got ready to go to church.  Turns out, I got ready to take this picture.  My makeup is ruined now.  I'm going to go to church with smudged eyes, streaked cheeks, and a heart that overflows from my eyes at random.

I L❤️VE being a MOM!!!

It was not meant for me to be pretty at church day.  A surprise was waiting for me as I walked into the Chapel.  The Youth Speaker was none other than Caden Dirks!!  I went from bawling mess (I cried the whole way to church) to sobbing hot-mess in less than three seconds.  At one point, I leaned over to Randy, barely able to get out, "I wish I could just stop crying!"  My heart was so full today.  It's a good life!

Month of Mira

We have had Mira for over a month now. We are still so much in love with her. We still find ourselves staring at her, grateful she is ours. 

She has a few favorite spots that she loves to relax in. 

She has relinquished her extreme favoritism for Randy, loving us all equally. 

She actually does love getting wet. We took her to the river and watched her retrieve the ball over and over and over. She was simply adorable. 

She found a baby that she loves more than any other. She stole it, actually. After three times of finding it in her bed, Tyson finally just relented that she could keep it. 

We love finding her sleeping in the cutest ways.

Yes, there she is sleeping with a ball in her mouth!

Sometimes you just can't choose just one. 

Randy took her out on the porch during a thunder/rain storm to see her reaction. As you can see, she took it like everything else in life- totally lax. 

Every day we get to have her, we count her as such a blessing. She is doing well in her training. But most of all, it's her presence that makes us so happy. She completes us. 

Echo

When you think of an echo, you think of words being spoken that continue on and on and on, getting quieter and quieter in succession.  Caden had a different kind of echo, but I feel like the words are words that have already been spoken- getting quieter and quieter as time goes on. 

From the beginning of this new chemo pill, they have said that the side effects are more hidden.  They have checked his blood weekly for many different reason, and today did an echo cardiogram to look for another effect.  They found one, something they knew to look for.  The heart is pumping and beating at the same rate, but the beat itself is weaker.  And then the words begin, and our options get quieter and quieter and quieter.

So for an entire week, we are going to take a break.  He is free to walk as much as he can, without exerting himself too much, but other than that- relax.  Next Wednesday he will have another echo.  If the results are the same as today: No More Chemo Pill.  If the effects have improved, we will put him back on the pill at a lower dose.  We'll try that for two weeks and get another echo at that time.  Next week will be a decision day.  Either we will not continue with Pazopanib and need to come up with another option, or we will decided a better dose and begin again.

In a way, these echos are the same.  I feel as if we are standing at the edge of a large canyon.  We are enjoying the beauty all around us.  We hiked long and hard to get here. The words that we are choosing to shout into the expanse are the things we have done to get there, the experiences we have hated and enjoyed, and the options we are desperate to hear. We have stopped talking now, breathless from our exertions, counting the seconds for that amazing moment where we hear words spoken back that will make everything alright in the end.

Streaks

I'm not sure why, but with the new cut I notice my gray hairs so much more. Maybe it's because I am still super critical of the cut when I look at it, so I pick everything apart about it, who knows. So when Randy jokingly said, "I'm not sure who has more white hair, you or Caden," I rolled my eyes and smiled. By the way- Caden's hair has started to change. Where before you could see it coming in dark, now it just looks really blonde. We have been told many times that it will eventually be mega white, so the blonde is just the beginning. He is going to look so regal with the stark contrast between his golden dark skin and white hair.

Last night as we were playing duck, duck, goose with the kids, I quickly sat down next to Shelby, grateful not to be it again. 

"Mom, you are starting to have some sparkly white streaks in your hair now!!!"

My first thought was that if my nine year old daughter notices them that much after I had just been running like the wind, maybe they are even more pronounced than I can even see. I started to think maybe I would just grab a box of dye and just cover my whole head. 

And then I remembered a conversation I had with Caden two years ago. As soon as Caden was cleared to swim after his first major surgery, we were at our membership pool. As we were driving home, Caden asked me if we could stop by Target and buy him a Surf Shirt. He told me that some of the young kids would swim up to him under the water and then swim back to their friends and tell them to go look at Caden's scar. He was embarrassed and humiliated. 

Long story short: I cried telling him that he was my hero, that he was so many people's hero, and not to let a few young kids change how he felt about himself with their ignorance. I told him that I would buy him one if he really wanted, but that I wanted him to remember that I was proud of his badge of courage and strength. He cried, hugged me long, and told me he didn't need the shirt. 

I am not comparing my gray hairs and my own experiences with those of Caden, but I realized that I am weirdly proud of these "white streaks."  In a way, they are my own badge of courage and strength. This go-round was so much more emotional and hard than the last intense fight. In truth, he was still doing chemo at this time 2 years ago- his surgery was May 7th, and then he did two more Rounds of chemo after. This 6 weeks of chemo felt longer than the entire 6 months last time. 

So I am not going to grab a box of dye to cover them up. I am not going to try and hide them just yet. They help me remember (as they sparkle in the sunlight) that I fought a hard fight, holding the hand of my hero. 

Full

I happened upon this receipt this morning and felt a surge of gratitude for both GlaxoSmithKline for making this chemo and for Blue Cross for making it so we don't have to settle for anything but the best option right now. My heart is so full. 

Clean!

There is a period of time when we come home from Seattle where I don't care too much about cleanliness. I would rather play with my kids than clean. I also don't have the energy to expect them to clean. 

Last time we were away for an extended period of time, the cleaning bug attacked me about a week out. I must have squashed that bug with my cleaning jag two years ago, because I still just don't care about cleaning as much. This means that you can't see the kids' floor in their room for toys, clothes, school papers, and towels. 

Because of other commitments, each of the kids has gotten to bed late all weekend. Can you say crabby pants? I was just done with their ridiculous arguments, so I turned to the one thing that always makes me feel better: a clean house. However, I was not really caring about them actually making their room spotless. 

You see, because they were asked to clean, I knew they would play. It is a fact that if you tell them to play together there is bound to be an argument. However, if you tell them to clean, they are bonded by the shared secret that they are all not going to clean. They play best when they are supposed to be cleaning. I got what I needed at the time: silence. 

Sometime soon the bug will bite and I'll be bothered by the absolute dive that is their room. But for now, I love hearing the smothered giggles as they pretend to be doing what I asked. 

One hour later:

I need to repent. They actually played and cleaned their room. I am shocked. I really do have the best kids!!