Adult

While talking with Greg, our Hospice social worker, a few weeks ago, he "educated" us on the different funeral homes in the area.  Aside from finding the plots that we wanted (honestly, just five days before he passed), we were still pretty clueless at the time everything was needed, eventually just going with the one adjacent to the cemetery.  As he conversed about each director that he'd personally met with, giving us suggestions and business cards of each, he brought up that one of the funeral homes-- he couldn't remember which-- charged by height for their services.  I had never known such rage as I felt when he said, "Caden qualifies as an adult at this one."  If I would have been talking directly to that funeral director, I would have have no problem screaming at them.  1) Caden has always been pretty small for his age, both height and weight.  2) Caden will never have the privilege of making it to adulthood.  Shame On You! and How Dare You?! with flame red face and finger jabbing shoulders, too!  By the time our appointment came to meet with our director, I was ready for a fight.

While meeting at Einan's, our own director needed to leave the room a few times, in search of different papers and pricing sheets.  "I'm so sorry, I could have been more prepared.  To be honest, we don't work with children that often-- which is good, of course!  But it means that I am not prepared with the sheets I need to know how much of a discount you get off of all services."  Einan's gives discounts based on age, with the younger children getting the greatest discount.  As he handed me the discount price sheet, I felt myself exhale, my shoulders loosen. We had unknowingly chosen the right funeral home.  No one was going to look me in the eye and tell me me that my child qualified as an adult.

We have known for four months now that we'd have to design a headstone for Caden.  (Side Note: It was four months almost to the day from the day we heard "inoperable" to the day Caden went to Heaven)  He'd joked around a few years ago with his siblings that he either wanted a life-size statue of himself, or an eagle.  We told the cemetery that we were ready to make an appointment finalize it all, but they recommended that we wait for a few weeks, because "the things that we'd put on it the day after his passing may be different that what we'd put on it a month after."  We didn't agree, but we did as they recommended.  Besides, really, the only thing that I truly wish we could change is the second date-- October 4, 2017 was just too soon!  The day we designed it, things went pretty smooth, just as I knew they would.

As we waited for the proof picture of the design we had chosen, Randy went online to see if we were getting the best deal.  He found a monument maker in a town about 45 minutes away that could save us about $400 dollars from our current quoted price.  When we approached the cemetery, asking if they could price match, I again felt myself stiffen.  I wanted easy again.  I wanted them to just do it all, no middle man, no possibility of hidden prices, no fuss.  "We don't usually give discounts on headstones, but under the circumstances, I'll see what I can do."  Two days later we got our answer: Yes.  They were able to come within $100 of the other company.   It should be placed within 4-6 weeks.

Funerals are expensive.  How grateful I am for these two companies, these two men, for realizing and acknowledging that our circumstances warrant a discount from the adult price.  A parent should never have to bury their child.  And they should certainly never be told to their face that their child qualifies as an adult.  That child will never be an adult!  Oh my gosh, how that hurts my heart. 

Buy It!

To the parents buying stuff to make memories with your terminally ill child:

Do it.  Buy it!  Make memories that are going to bring you joy while you play and reminisce.  You will never regret making the memories, even if it costs a lot more than you anticipated.  It's worth it. Making memories is always worth it!  Just know: If the memory includes a purchase that will be around when they are not, something that you will have to use even if they cannot, it will hurt again and again to see it, knowing that you'll have to use it/do it without them.  Our current ones: 1) Bronco, 2) Boat, 3) Camper.  We don't regret the purchases-- No Way!-- but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt just a little bit a lot knowing that there will have to be a "first time boating without Randy's sidekick driver."  The happiness that these things (and other, smaller things) brought will always outweigh the sorrow, but no one ever tells you that these purchases have the potential to hurt.  Again I say, Buy It!, but prepare yourself for a day when the purchases bring tears of both incredible joy and a bit of sadness.  Sometimes it helps to know something beforehand, to start strengthening yourself before courage needs to be used. 

Keilie Rey

 This is not the first year I have tried to convince Keilie to be Rey from The Force Awakens, this is just the first year I have made her.  With the Stake Dance on Wednesday night, I told Keilie I didn't know how I was going to pull together the costume she wanted-- that I didn't know how I could pull it together ever.

 She wanted to be Venelope VonSchweets from Wreck It Ralph.  I heard her, but I wanted her to be Rey more.  I used The Tone and got my wish.

 While in the store, she agreed it was a cool costume.  

After her hair and makeup, she said, and I quote, "You were right."

 Mom: 1.  Keilie 100, cause I was RIGHT and she looks seriously sensational!!!!

I love that my friends know how much I love to document my kids' lives!  Thank you, Rebecca, for these amazing pics!!  I'm not sure who has cooler friends: Keilie or me!

The Bronc

 I'm not sure which hurts more: Having the Bronco sitting in our garage as a constant reminder...

Or selling it, because it is a constant reminder.

I'm not sure which hurts more: Seeing it in the garage every single day, knowing that he's not driving it.  Or one day having it coming at me, expecting to see him (it's not like there are a ton of these on the street!), only to remember it never will be again.

Just four days before he passed, Caden was excitedly telling me, "I'm so proud driving that Bronco!  It didn't take long for the transition from, 'I can't imagine driving that every day,' to 'Heck yes I'm driving that every day!'"  And forevermore, it will either be in the garage, or sold.  Burning knives in my heart and gut.

Slumber Party?

I feel like a broken record saying this so soon after recent ramblings, but it's the truth: I need naps desperately most days-- I am be-yond exhausted. {Insert drooling snore face}  But as the days progress, as we continue to count our days half-past Caden, naps have become increasingly sporadic, and not for lack of trying.  I can now say that I have three categories in reference to nap time.

1) I sleep so deep that after an hour, it feels like I've slept an entire night.  But after this deep sleep, I always wake with a panic attack.  It's as if I subconsciously spend my day strengthening the walls around my heart and mind, so that after even just one hour of not building, not strengthening, I am punched with reality and remembering.  Many times, I wake already crying.

2)  Imagine lying in bed, almost asleep, when, suddenly, a drop of adrenaline is dropped onto your heart from a great height.  You jerk, since you weren't expecting it, and because it felt sharp, and hot, and heavy after no movement for a while, so your heart starts to race.  Because your heart is racing so fast, it's moving that drop of adrenaline through your veins at an accelerated rate, building in speed and building in intensity.  Your breathing increases with the heart rate, while your mind is telling you it is time to try and sleep-- Hurry!! Time is ticking, your two-hour window is closing!!  So you try to calm your breathing, try to calm your heart.  You get back to a nice place, where you feel close to unconsciousness, and then another drop...  After five or six drops, you are an emotional wreck.  You are so tired, yet your body will not sleep, your mind will not shut off, your heart will never fully calm.  So you get up, exhausted and near tears, and just keep trying to live.

3)  Start with number two for a solid hour.  Finally make it to number one, sleeping for about 30 minutes.  Wake more exhausted and near/in tears.

It feels so similar to those first few weeks after having a baby.  Only I don't have a sweet babe to snuggle and stare at.  Quite the opposite, in fact.

Anticipation

While away from home on Sunday night, Mira got into some candy.  And when I mean got into, I mean inhaled at a speed in which we can tell there was very minimal chewing.  How could we possibly know this, since she snarfed it while we were gone?  She spent the rest of the night and into the early morning hours puking her guts out.  The feeling in our home when we discovered what had happened was dark and heavy.  Honestly, our kids went to bed upset and angry.  Even our family prayer felt wrong.  But I think the underlying emotion through it all was anxiety.  This isn't the first time Mira has gotten into candy, but her violent reaction was definitely more severe.

Contemplated anticipation can be somewhat more difficult than actually living the situation.  In many cases over the last few years, sometimes the anticipation was far worse in my head than it was in real life.  That's not to say that reality wasn't a beast, but that sometimes I can come up with some pretty heinous scenarios on my own, no real-life participation needed to make it a nightmare.  The same can be said with my anxieties over Mira on Sunday night.  I kept going over and over in my head, praying with all I have in me that she would not die.  I kept imagining losing her, too, and how hard that would be.  It's hard enough to lose a beloved dog (whom we completely count as one of our family members), but can you feel the sorrow it would mean for us should it happen in the same month as losing our beloved Caden?  It hurts too much to even write all that I kept imagining, the depth that I felt should it happen.  It felt like it actually happened, in my heart.  It was scary, with a lot of laundry and mopping and constant monitoring for different symptoms, but it wasn't as dire as it was in my mind. 

Anticipation is sometimes the hardest situation I put myself in.

Magic?

Something happened three nights ago now that still has me giggling at myself.  There are times when I feel like I take notice of things that others may not.  There are times when I feel that I am very competent and able to figure things out and put things together in an intelligent way.  Then there are those times that I feel as if I should be the one in this family going to Second grade, while my eight-year-old takes care of the house.  This is one of those times!

We have lived in this home now for 219 days.  Granted, there was a few days that I didn't live "in" this house while I was with Caden in Seattle, and of course there are those two glorious weeks where we were at Camp Side-By-Side and in Hawaii, but that would still put me in the high 100's of living in this home.  That's a lot of days!

This is a picture from our laundry/garage entry "mud room" looking at our Master Bedroom door.  I'd normally have it open (I love it when doors are open, with the handle actually touching the door stop) but Randy is on a conference call for work, so we shut him in there so we don't hear him talking.  Or, is it so he can't hear us, I can't remember?  Anyway, if you consider how many times I enter and exit through this door each day, you can imagine how many times I have passed this very spot. 

This is the view as you exit the Powder Room (Master on left, Laundry on Right).  If you consider how many times I could have exited and seen this view, you get another idea of how many times I have been in this general area, seen this very view.  Also, consider that it was I that hung that growth chart during the first two days of living here.  I have seen and passed this spot countless times.

As Randy and I were headed to bed three nights ago, he turned on the lights in this hallway by touching a switch in our TV room.  Usually, I would just turn them off as we were heading into our room by pressing the switch you see straight ahead in the picture above.  That has been our routine now for 180+ days.  But on this night, as I was milometers from touching that switch, the lights went off.  I knew Randy had entered the room ahead of me, so I couldn't understand how he could have turned them off.  In that second, it felt like magic.  I had heard the tell-tell sound of a switch being pressed, but I hadn't pressed the switch!  It was at that second that I realized something:

THERE IS A SWITCH CLOSER TO OUR BEDROOM THAT I HAD NEVER EVEN TOUCHED, NEVER REALIZED WHAT IT WAS FOR, NEVER TRULY CONSIDERED!  Of course I had seen it thousands of times!  Of course I "knew" it was there-- I measured the distance between it and the wall to hang up that growth chart!  But I have never, not once, considered that it could actually be for something! 

Look at that picture again, now that you know where and what those two switches are for-- look how close they are for the exact same purpose!  It felt so surreal that I had "seen" this so many times, yet never even wondered what it should/could be used for.  And then Randy and I laughed and laughed at my so obvious observant self.  I'm telling you, it felt for a second like Randy truly was magical.  It would have been so cool to have captured my stunned, confused face; to have seen the metaphorical light bulb turn on above my head as the hallway turned dark just nanoseconds before.  I could have lit the entire house with my realization that I am not a very bright woman.  Puns.  I love 'em.

I still have not used that switch.  I know what it's for, but my habits are set.  And, anyway, I'll probably forget next week, giving myself another magical night of rediscovery.  Peeps, Randy has magic!  One night: Lights switched off.  The next: Bathrooms are sparkling with a snap of his fingers.  It could happen-- I married Randy Dirks after all!

I better go-- I'm late for Second Grade!  Tyson, bathrooms need sanitizing!

Procrastination

A couple of months ago, before any of our news, I was looking on my cousin's website {Crafts 2 You} for a fun party option for Keilie.  I'm not sure why really, since we only do birthday parties for ages 4, 8, 12, &16, but I felt an urge-- I now know it was inspiration.  We got our box of supplies (minus the personalized vinyl stencil) in August, just a few days after radiation started.  Because of that, and the life we shoved in after, that box of wood sat in our dining room for weeks.  It always just felt like too much work to try and get everything put together.  When we got Tyson's birthday invitations out on Conference Sunday, Keilie asked why Tyson's party preparations were being executed earlier than hers, since we'd had everything for her party for so long.  Feeling a bit annoyed, since she knew that it wasn't a normal party year and she knew what had been occupying my thoughts and time, but also realizing that she had been excitedly waiting since the supplies arrived, I quickly put together the handmade invitations and drove her around just minutes after I did the same for Tyson.  That night, Caden got sick.  Weeks earlier, as I was making the invitations for the party to be on October 7th, something happened to stop me from printing them out.  By the time I got around to printing them, giving enough time for people to get their personalized responses back in enough time for Natalie to print the vinyl, the party moved from October 7th to October 21st.  

Honestly, there was purpose in the procrastination-- Keilie needed this party today. 

Without further ado, I present Keilie's very postponed 14th "Birthday" Party!

Starting at the top Left with Keilie and going clockwise: Keilie, Rachel Higbee, Emma Stafford, KaraLee Edvalson, Kiersten Thompson, Lizzie Graves, Rio MacDonnell, Aubrey Larsen, MaryLynn Haggard,  and Rylee MacDonnell.

(I love that KaraLee etched a smiley face on her work-in-progress!)

 To have a little background noise, I turned on Ever After.  It was SO MUCH FUN to hear the girls squeal over the show, even coming to watch the movie during their dry times.  Because of this, and some of the details that the girls chose to put on their projects, the party went over, with some of the girls staying till the end of the movie.  I now wish I would have thought to include the movie with the party, so all of the girls could have stayed.  It was FUN!!!!!

 I love that Mira could also be involved. 

 She approved all of the gifts.  We both approve Keilie's friends!!!

Because of the fun they were having, and because of the staggered finish times, I didn't get a good picture with them all smiling at the camera with their projects.  But this is so much better!!  Look at all of that laughter and fun!!!  {Sigh}

Starting at the bottom with Mira, working clockwise: Mira, Emma, Rio, Rylee, Lizzie, KaraLee, MaryLynn, Aubrey, Kiersten, Keilie, and Rachel.  My goodness, there was a lot of giggling, teenage-girl love in our home today.  I change my previous statement: Keilie and I needed this party today!

I also wanted to show some of the fun ideas that happened during the party.  The example had two colors: The Name color and the Arrow color.  When we made out the invitations, I asked them to put the colors of their choice for both.  Armed with all of their color preferences, I went to Hobby Lobby hoping to find each color.  I did!  When the party started and they had the 12 color options in front of them, magic happened.  I believe only one or two stayed with their initial invitation color choices, but many got creative with their options.  Such as the "camo" arrow above.  KaraLee came up with the cool idea, and others decided they wanted to try their own.  Many copied the idea, not one looked the same.

I really wish I would have gotten a picture of all of their projects, since each was unique and special, but I only got a few so that I could share the idea with Natalie.  It was really cool too, because as Emma as was doing her Modge Podge, she used some of the glitter from the tulle (pictured below, tied to the wire) to make her name sparkle.  Many of the girls reapplied their Modge Podge to do the same thing.  The girls got creative and had fun making them their own.

I know this party was supposed to happen.  I know it was supposed to happen this very weekend: not closer to her actual birthday, not October 7th-- Today!

Truly, there was purpose in the procrastination!

Mom?

It will come as no surprise that I have been extremely tired.  Tired doesn't even feel like the right word for it.  I have just been more-than tired.  Each day around 12:30, I am ready for a good, deep, 2-hour+ nap.  And I still go to bed at a pretty good time.  More-than tired.

Yesterday, because we were returning the ties, I didn't get to start my nap as early as I would have liked, so I only had about an hour, maybe an hour-and-a-half tops.  But I needed it.  Desperately.  The dream I had was so deep and so real, it felt like I had been asleep for an entire night.

The first remembrance was that a mother had died and that I had been named the "new mother" of four kids that I didn't even know.  In fact, I never even saw these four unknown kids' faces, I just knew I was supposed to be their new mom soon.  As I was trying to figure out how to make any of this work, confused at why I was the one chosen, I came to the understanding that I was even expected to move to Texas to mother these kids, leaving my own behind for portions of time.  "How am I supposed to be a mother to these kids?"  "How am I supposed to be a good mom to kids that I don't even know, have never even seen?"  "What am I going to do with them, to make them like me? To love me?!"  I didn't get the sense in the dream that Caden had died, only that I had always had four kids, so I didn't really feel that my own kids had had something very traumatic already happen to them, so my next thought was, "What are my kids going to do without their own mother in the times that I'm taking care of someone else in another state that I don't even know?!" 

In all of this confusion that took minutes and even hours in my dream, I became an emotional wreck and started crying harder and harder with each thought.  By the time I came to the last question in my dream-self's mind, I was hysterically bawling, completely weighed down with it all, gasping for breath at the feeling of drowning.  I woke in that moment, actually gasping, heart pounding, sweating, and literally crying.  It had felt so real.  And then I realized, it really is real for me right now.  How am I going to be the mother that does stuff for my kids to make them like me, to make them love me, when I am "babysitting" grief unlike anything I have ever met before?  In some ways, I'm afraid that I'm going to be in another "state" while dealing with it, and I'm afraid for my kids while I'm "gone."  Even though I had already been crying and feeling all of those dream emotions, I started with very real ones in reality.  I cried harder than I have since moments after Caden passed away.  Hard, soul-wracking sobs of confusion and despair and honestly, fear.  How can I be a good mother when grief is enveloping me a little bit at a time?  What are we all going to do?

It was only a dream.  But the memory and the enveloping, suffocating feelings have not left me since.  It may have started out as a subconscious thought, but it is a very real nightmare for me right now.  I am worried about mothering my sweet kids in the way I want, the way I am used to, the way I LOVE, because I have other "stuff" to do and work out.  Stuff that I have never seen, never thought I would be chosen to work through, stuff that I really don't understand, stuff that is going to change my life once again, I can feel it.  In some ways, it feels like I need to have more faith to endure this than anything else I have endured in my life.  Including losing my first-born child.

Returns

We finally had time and motivation to take back the five extra ties we had purchased for Homecoming.  Since Jennifer had two different dresses coming from China, we had either Coral or Blushing Pink to look for.  Not wanting to have even the slightest different color for either dress, we just went around to store after store in search of those two colors.  Six ties later: We found the perfect one!

Kohl's had us in and out of their Customer Service Department in less than 30 seconds.  She scanned the receipt, scanned the tie bar code, pressed a button and grabbed out my cash.  Get this: She also surprised me by giving me the Kohl's cash reimbursement that I'd used.  They're not doing that promotion right now, but because I'd had it when I purchased the tie, I have it now.  Easy, peasy!

JCPenney was just a bit different.  Since they have more than one Customer Service desk but not as many employees stationed at each, it took just a few seconds for someone to realize that we needed help.  Also, because of a mix-up with the UPC being different from the bar code, one of our ties almost had to be returned without the receipt.  As she was looking up how much we could get without the receipt (I kid you not, it was only going to be $1.37 instead of $25.78!) I found the error-- we got all of our money back.  Not as easy as Kohl's, but it ended with us getting all of our money back.

Sears was the last place on our return list.  Like Kohl's, we were helped right away.  Unlike all other stores, we could not make the return.

"I'm sorry, you have passed the 30-day return date."
"Even with the receipt, you can't give us our money back?"
"No, sir."
"What about a store credit?"
"No, I'm sorry."

We incredulously stared at her for the required "awkward moment/you have got to be kidding me" allotment of time and just turned to leave.  It was not worth the tears that I knew I could pull out of thin air to make this girl feel uncomfortable with our "why" for not being back within that measly 30-day return period.

Randy, loud enough for both employees to hear as we walked away, "No wonder this place is going out of business!"

We had the receipt and could not even get store credit!  Lame!  Goodwill is getting a brand new Blushing Pink tie tomorrow, and Sears will never get another dime from us.

Seasons

A few months ago, I posted how a particular idea from a book had struck me: "Who came up with minutes, anyway?  Name one good thing a minute's ever done.  They shorten fun and measure misery..."  Last night as I was going through my pictures on my phone (something that I do even more than ever), I came across the next paragraph of that book, Love, Stargirl.  Jerry Spinelli continues: "As if Arnold could look up at this clock on the Lenape Building and read: 15 Minutes till Found.  As if Charlie's time in not forever stuck on Half Past Grace."  I believe I may very well be forever stuck on Half Past Caden.  It has been two weeks.  In some ways, two weeks feels like a very, very long time.  Then I remember the rest of my life, and two weeks feels like nothing.  But it's not nothing.  It's a very big something.

Not only are things getting just a little harder each day, but we have all been fighting a bug of some sort.  Randy was awake for maybe one hour on Sunday after spending a minute or two throwing up first thing in the morning.  His seems to be the worst of it.  Shelby started just before the end of school on Monday, then Shelby, Keilie, and Tyson stayed home from school on Tuesday, with Brennon having his bout yesterday and today.  Mine has been a bit different.  I've had my times of throwing up, but I have also had some pretty severe stomach aches multiple times a day for more than a week.  I think my body is really trying to process what has happened, on top of this bug.  I'm sort of a physical mess.  Not too bad, but not nothing either.  Our minutes are dragging, it seems.

I had my first instance where our neighbor didn't feel like a comfort, like a place it feels nice to remember being with my Caden.  I was walking to the mail, not really having any thoughts, when a single memory of pushing him in the wheelchair during radiation popped into my head and had me in tears.  I didn't really think they would last long, since it didn't really come with some deep emotional sadness, but I continued to have tears spill down my cheeks until I got home.  It was weird-- like I was sad, but didn't really feel it in my heart or think I was sad.  I know crying, I know when it comes from the heart and soul-- this was just crying without any real thought or feeling.  So I just cried.  The memory feels more surreal because of the lack of real emotion from my heart.  It doesn't really feel like I was the one crying.  I wonder how many more times things that give me comfort now, because they keep Caden alive in my life, will hurt me.

Life just feels so surreal right now.  One minute things feel OK, the next, tears are rolling down my cheeks without thought or emotion.  Our minutes are being counted at Half Past Caden right now.  There is beauty all around as the air turns crisp and the leaves change colors, but all I can see are the leaves on the ground and the stark, bare branches that have lost their color and gone dormant.  It's beautiful, but only because that is the season that we are in.  Seasons can sometimes seem too long, even at the very beginning.

Crazy Face

The Wayne and Rachelle Burrell family- November 2008

The picture may have been perfect except for that one face in the bottom, right-hand corner-- Yep, that's my son!

 The Wayne and Rachelle Burrell family-- October 2017

Bottom, right-hand corner-- Yep, that's my son!  We're missing Danielle's babes, Audrey and Drew.  (And Caden-- sob)  I'm working on editing the pictures now, but it was a fun reminisce seeing Tyson's crazy eyes and remembering a day long ago where a different 7-year-old boy looked less-than picture perfect.  Love my boys!

Skills

While taking a few things around town, Tyson was our "runner."  After a few houses that were kind of close together, he told us that he should just hang onto the door and ride outside, and that when he got cold he would just get back in the car.

Randy: "How would you get back into the car if you can't open the door?"

Tyson, in all seriousness, "Dad, you don't know my skills!"  He has every confidence in himself, and I love it!

Happiness

Brennon: "When they closed that thing (casket), I felt like all the happiness just got shut in there!"

Last 8

Tyson is no different than any other child on the planet-- he's been counting down the days until his birthday.  However, this year's countdown had one extra thing to obsess over, one thing that ripped my heart out: the fear that people would forget about his day because of the one before it.  In his prayer on Saturday night, Tyson thanked Heavenly Father that one person remembered (since Uncle Steve had just called to ask suggestions for gifts), and prayed that more would know that his birthday was coming up.  Randy and I got to work, asking all those that we thought might be able to help.  Typical, our families did not disappoint-- they came through with more love and support than we had envisioned and hoped for.  Friday, October 13th, was a birthday that my Tyson had prayed about-- it.was.awesome!

Aunt Danielle had immediately gotten on Amazon to send him a gift in the mail, since he'd checked the mail every day for more than a week.  He immediately opened that one when it arrived on Thursday.  Since it was Legos, I asked him to wait to put them together, which would happen many more times over the weekend-- he LOVES Legos.  From then on, the gifts that were brought from so many were staggered in the most amazingly choreographed way-- totally unplanned.  He had time to play with each gift before another one came.  What made it even more fun was having cousins surrounding him and playing with each of his gifts with him.  Not only did the gifts make him feel special, but the cousins' reaction and excitement to play made the day feel full of joy, something I had been praying could happen after the day he had endured before.

Many family members stayed for his Baptism day on Saturday.  Many stayed, many friends came!  Like the viewing for my sweet Caden, the Relief Society room was standing room only for my sweet Tyson.  My heart was so full as I saw people file in while I played the piano prelude, at one point feeling the threatening of tears as I peered over the top of the piano at all of the love and support for my Ty, my Ender, the last of our 8's.  The tender feelings felt in that room for two very special, yet very different occasions are very precious to me.  When love is pure, it feels beautiful in sorrow and in joy.

We felt the loss of Caden, but we also felt comfort and truth-testifying power of the Holy Ghost.  It stung to remember how much Caden wanted to baptize Tyson, but we know that he was with us on this very special day.  He loves us, and we love him.  He misses us; we miss him more.  Our thoughts will always be with him, and he will always be in our hearts.  And on this day, Tyson followed through with his decision to be baptized the newest member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, beginning his path back to Heaven, back to our Heavenly Father, and back to our Caden.  I am so proud of you, Tyson.  Remember what Caden wrote in his scriptures: It is safer to hold to the rod.

Happy Birthday, Tyson Darwin Dirks

It's GREAT to be EIGHT!!!

TYSON (8)

Happy 8th Birthday, Tyson Darwin Dirks!!!!

WE LOVE YOU SO, SO MUCH!!!!