Countdown

 Six years ago

 but it still

 feels like yesterday.

I remember the confusion, the blinding terror, the shock.  

This is one of those moments that is seared in my brain with perfect clarity.  The day our lives changed forever.  We didn't know it then, but the day our countdown started.  A countdown to an end we never could have comprehended, never could have prepared for, and will never be the same because of.  It still hurts remembering, made even more poignant because he's gone.

Yanked

The boys had an orthodontist appointment yesterday.  It's never happened this way before, but I actually had two doctors looking at both boys at the same time.  We're always able to have both boys go at the same time, but never have we had two doctors, let alone looking at different boys at the same time.  To make matters a little more complicated, there were two other patient chairs in-between my boys.  I talked with Dr. Butler about Brennon (who has his elastics twisted in such a way to bring the front teeth together faster, and could potentially get his phase one braces off in five weeks!), and then quickly ran over to talk with Dr. Porter about Tyson.  As I was getting there, the doctor had just finished talking with his assistant and I heard the news:  Tyson's baby canines were impacting his permanent ones from coming down straight and would need to come out.  We caught it early, and getting them out would save us two years of braces.

After giving me the referral, I dropped the boys off at home and headed straight to the dentist's office.  I still find it quite nuts that the orthodontist has to "ask" the dentist, but I guess it's a second opinion thing and I should just let it go.  I just find it so crazy that a professional that has gone to school to specialize in one field has to ask permission from someone else that hasn't gone to school for that profession.  Oh well.  I was able to make the appointment for this morning.  Tyson was a nervous wreck.

While sitting in the chair, the hygienist came to tell us that Dr. Ritchie had viewed the x-ray and agreed with Dr. Butler, and we had the green light to begin.  Tyson shrunk in his chair and told me he was nervous.  I knew I was about to watch him go through something that was hard for him, so true to my new normal, my anxiety went through the roof.  I simultaneously wanted to break down and cry, or run.  I literally cannot handle stress right now, and if I do, I take days to come off of it sometimes.  I knew I would have a monumental crash when it was all over.  But I'm proud of myself for being strong while we were there.  When they asked if I thought he needed the laughing gas, she didn't even have to finish the sentence before I was saying yes.  He doesn't normally need it, but he was so scared to get these teeth pulled.  I don't blame him, actually.  He asked if there was any way he could be asleep when it happened, and I told him that I truly wished he could be.  The poor thing was a sweaty mess.  We both were.

 Tyson wasn't quite sure whether he could believe Dr. Ritchie when he said it was easy stuff, and that he wouldn't even feel pain.  What he didn't know was that the worst had already happened-- he was already numb.  Dr. Ritchie used his calm, friendly, cool dude tone the entire time, and had those two teeth out in like 30 seconds.  When he told Tyson that he was finished, Tyson looked away from his game in confusion.  "Wait... we're done?!"  At that minute, seeing the shock and relief on his face, I could feel myself letting go of the adrenaline coursing through me, and once again I almost cried. 

I asked him if he could feel the deep indent on his nose and between his nose.  "No, I don't think I can feel anything on my whole face!"  He smiled a cute, guazey smile when I showed him this picture.  "I'm a little embarrassed that I was that scared.  I actually thought I might cry, and I really didn't want to cry."  My Tyson showed great courage today.  He was scared out of his mind sitting in that chair knowing he was about to have two teeth yanked out, but he gave no indication as soon as they reclined the chair back and told him to open his mouth.  I am so grateful for compliant kids, especially in situations where I myself have fantasized flipping the tray, pushing people out of my way, and bolting from the office, never to return.

When the numbing wore off, he told me that he was glad that he went through that knowing it saved him two years of braces.  "It hurt when they were giving me the shot, but that only stung for like a second.  If I would have had the braces for two years, that would have been 24 times going to the orthodontist, if I went every month.  With two days of pain after you get your braces tightened, that would have been 48 days of pain, and I only had seconds of pain today.  I'm glad I did that." 

Me, too, Ty.  Me, too.

Teenager x3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHELBY!!!!!

 This girl can now legally sit in the front seat!!  

And just like that, I have three teenagers!

 We went out to dinner last night because she has Youth Activities tonight, where she'll be teaching her friends how to make her current favorite dinner: Hawaiian Haystacks.  She chose Greek Islands.  Girl after my own heart.

This morning she asked if I'd take her to lunch at Costa Vida.  My day felt full, but I realized that I could squeeze it in.  Randy asked to tag along.  It just felt right to have her surrounded by both of us.

 While her cake did not come out the color she asked for -yellow- I am very happy with the mirror shine I was able to get. (She has changed her favorite color from teal to yellow, just so you know.  Goodbye to an era.)  Seeing as this is my first attempt at this kind of thing, I can see all of my rookie mistakes, but I am super proud of how this cake turned out.

 It should also be noted that Tyson is without a shirt so much around the house that I didn't even notice for the pictures until I was typing above.  Not even when I downloaded the pictures did I notice.  The boy just doesn't like wearing shirts.

Cutting into the cake was like Christmas morning for me.  Anticipation, hope, then excitement to see I'd gotten exactly what I wanted.  And I'm happy to report: I nailed my flavors!

Happy Birthday to the baby that healed my broken heart.  We love you to pieces, Shelby!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Try!

I am a major fan of baking shows, much to Randy's dismay.  He'll watch them with me if I ask him to, but I rarely do because I know he doesn't care for them like I do.  The second season of Zumbo's Just Desserts came out recently, so right now that's the one I've been watching.  I cannot believe the desserts that man comes up with.  If we ever go to Australia, that will be the only thing I want to search out. 

I had the crazy idea to possibly try one of his creations, so I searched Pinterest to try and find a recipe.  I didn't find one, but I did find an article of someone trying the exact one I was thinking of trying. I was laughing so hard at the blunder of this man trying to do it in the time allotted on the show.  I laughed when he said he was ready to begin with his fifty-five ingredients and 8-page novella of directions.  I was in tears reading his descriptions of the many flops, and could barely breathe at one point when he actually took a picture of himself flipping the oven off.  What took three hours on the show took him seven.  Maybe I didn't want try one...

While thinking of Shelby's birthday tomorrow and watching an episode while I was cleaning the kitchen, I got an idea-- why don't you make Shelby's cake like that one!  I investigated each element to gauge whether I could reasonably do it, and decided I just might try.  I left immediately for the store, before I changed my mind, grateful that I didn't need 55 items.  I've been wanting to do something like this for a very long time, but today I felt like I could tackle something that might be stressful.  My recipes weren't Zumbos, but they were all homemade elements, which makes me feel quite accomplished.

One of the things they always worry over is "their flavors."  Because I didn't have an exact recipe for how much of each element to add, I kind of just had to wing it.  So, I can now say for myself, "I'm not sure of my flavors."  As I was telling my kids this, Tyson spoke out, "Mom, even if it doesn't taste that good, I am going to be so proud of you for trying this!"  And just like that, I felt like a rockstar, showing my kids that they can attempt hard things, and be proud simply for trying.  My heart is soaring, my cheeks are flushed.

It's now freezing in my "blast chiller" overnight.  I need the buttercream to be frozen solid so I can try the last element that I have wanted to try since the very first time I saw someone do it on Zumbo's: Mirror Glaze.  Fingers crossed that this cake doesn't turn out horrible for her birthday.  I may need to make a last-minute trip to DQ tomorrow.  Hope not.  Wish me luck!

Run!

I have never really wanted to run, not really.  Whenever I heard that we were running in gym class, from Kindergarten through High School, I always wished I would have been violently ill that morning.  I grew up watching my Dad run often, and my Mom power walk her way through 5K's and 1/2 marathons-- even winning in her category a few times!  I remember my Dad telling me many times, as I questioned his decision, that he hates running while he's doing it, but that he feels so good when he's done.  I thought he was nuts.  Their outdoor stuff is in addition to both of them going every morning to the gym.  I have grown up with excellent examples of physical health.

Throughout my adult years, I've had spurts of physical activity that revolved around babies.  I'd balloon up during pregnancy -simply because of my genes, not necessarily what I ate or how sedentary my days- and then work really hard to try and lose the weight after and between.  I cared more about my weight than I ever really could about anything else.  Then cancer care happened, and I was simply trying to survive.  So many meals were actually from the vending machine so I wasn't gone from him for too long.  The only time I ever thought about physical activity was when we were needing to get Caden moving, or when my anxiety at seeing him suffer made me want to run.  Other than that, my mind was solely on him.  I hit my absolute highest weight, sans pregnancy, ever.  And I didn't even care.

After Caden's passing, I found myself walking and walking.  Not to lose weight, but to heal my mind and heart.  I knew the sunshine would help just as much as the activity itself, so I decided that's what I'd do with my time.  At times it was more of an internal obsession, something that I didn't have much control over due to my anxiety, but for the most part, I was just happy to head to bed each night completely exhausted, brain too tired to have thoughts.  The pounds came off simply because I was walking more than 10 miles every day, and since I wasn't home to snack, I was only eating 3 meals a day.

September found me struggling within myself more than ever before in my life.  Suddenly I was looking for an outlet for my mental and emotional issues.  I found it in the most unlikely place-- Orangetheory.  I had told myself for years that there was no way I would ever try it, and then I did.  I told myself there was no way that I'd ever pay that price for the gym, and then I signed up for the most expensive package.  I told myself that I would never want to train for Ragnar, and then I said yes to Ashlee because I needed to be working towards a goal.  And I've been working ever since.  Every single day I challenge myself against myself.  I never worry about what anyone around me is doing, I am focused on myself and my performance every single minute of the workout.  My mind is no longer on my weight, but on my strength.  It has been amazing to feel that switch in myself.  I have been focused on my weight since I was in 2nd grade.  To not even care to step on the scale each day has been amazing for me.

Saturday, Randy suggested that we do a family activity.  We'd go to Shelby and Brennon's school to use their outdoor track.  We'd time ourselves running the mile, and then work over the next few weeks to get better.  We set our own goals, and made sure to help them make realistic goals.  We talked about proper hydration and fuel, laced up our sneaks, and started our timers.  I have only ever gone for a run outside once or twice in my entire life.  I have run on a treadmill for years, happy with my ability to run for an entire hour before finding Orangetheory.  I was hoping that I'd see results from the last 4 1/2 months of work, but I just didn't know.  Running on a track/outside is much harder than running on a conveyor belt driven machine, so I hoped I'd be able to stick close to my faster Orangetheory base pace, and not revert back to my slower pace from Gold's Gym.  I took a deep breath, and started running.

Tyson is our runner.  He loves to run.  I was hoping that I'd be able to simply run without stopping, not really trying to beat anyone.  So imagine my utter shock and surprise when I not only beat my base pace, but beat Tyson's time!!!  Where I used to be a 12 minute mile, I was now a 9 minute, 45 second mile.  And it felt incredible!  Randy came in at 10 minutes and 24 seconds, which he was surprised and delighted about.  We went back a little later to try one more time, without the kids, and both beat our time.  We're seeing results, it's working, and I am thrilled!

I can't believe I'm saying this, because I've used the word "never" when talking about running, but I am excited to keep at it.  I understand more what my Dad meant-- it really does suck to run.  It's not something that I seriously enjoy while I'm doing it, but I LOVE the victories I can celebrate doing something I never in my childhood could have imagined I'd start this late in my life.  It feels incredible to say that I am stronger at 38.5 than I have ever been in my entire life.  Here's to many more outdoor runs, more victories, and more time spent with my Mister getting STRONG!

Firsts

On January 12, 2020, I had the absolute privilege of witnessing Randy place his hands on Brennon's head and confer the Aaronic Priesthood to him.  I now have one son with the Melchizedek Priesthood, and one with the Aaronic Priesthood.  In one year, all of my sons will have Priesthood power.  Tender feelings.

Today, January 26, 2020, I had the absolute privilege of witnessing Brennon pass the Sacrament for the very first time.  Like Caden, Brennon wore his concentration face, which looks very serious. Reverence was shown for the sacred nature of what they were performing.  While waiting for the transition from Bread to Water, when he wasn't "needed," Brennon sought me out with his eyes-- he knew I would be looking only at him.  As soon as our eyes locked, he grinned his Brennon-grin, and then got back into his proper stance and concentration.

My heart is so full.  What an amazing morning.

Measlyes

While at Walmart tonight, I saw something for the first time in my life.

Bananas with Measles.

I'm not the only one leary of buying them, seeing as they were some of the last bananas left on the shelves.  No one likes speckled nanas!

Remembered

Text from Jason Redd:

"So, the doctor I work with is the new medical director for Heartlinks Hospice.  I met the head nurse, Deborah.  She told a story to our office about this 'amazing 16-year old that they worked with, and his incredible family.'  She said, 'it was one of the most touching experiences she has ever had working in hospice.'  After, when we told her we were both members of the church, she said, 'LDS families get it.  They really understand faith and living life to the fullest.'"

Caden is still remembered, two years later, by people that only worked with him for mere hours.  He really did touch so many lives simply by the way he lived.  Oh, how I miss my son.

Middle School Choir

Shelby had a makeup choir concert tonight.  It worked out so well for us because she was supposed to miss the previously scheduled one while we were in Utah, but it ended up being rescheduled because of weather.  Not only would she not have to record herself singing her parts to get credit for the concert, but we'd be able to watch her sing.  Or would we...

We arrived at 5:30pm for the call-time for the 6:00pm concert.  I was able to get a front row seat, which I was certain would give me a perfect view.  Nope.  See the short girl with the black hair in the front row?  The golden halo above her head is Shelby.  This was my view for two of the three songs.

 Bless her heart, the girl started to lean.  She knew I would want to watch her sing!  I quickly turned on my camera to capture this before the girl in the front started to sway with the music.  For 99.5% of the concert, I couldn't even see my Shelby-girl, and only in short bursts when I could.

Middle School concerts are much more entertaining when you can actually see your singer, I promise!  Not quite sure why they'd put her in the second row.  My kids are always front row kids!  I love that Shelby loves to sing.  I love watching her sing almost as much as I love hearing her beautiful voice.

Youth

Coming home from such an amazing weekend is a bit hard.  We got to see so many friends and family, it's always hard to come home knowing we won't see some of them for a very long time, maybe even never again.  We missed Dan & Karen's family, who all got diagnosed with the flu just days before. 

As usual, I have loads of unpacking, laundry, and work to do, so I only have time to quickly write something that I don't want to forget-- it doesn't have a picture to jog my memory.  For reference:
10-hour drive on Thursday, 6-hour drive on Friday, 5.5 hour drive on Sunday, 9-hour drive on Monday.  All-in-all, 30 hours in the car in a 5-day period.  That's a lot of time in the car!

{Setting} We're about half-way done with our Sunday drive, exhausted from such a whirlwind activity, anxious to get to my parent's, when Tyson pipes up, again, with the most annoying, persistent noises.  Like a broken record, he just keeps going and going.

Randy:  "Tyson!  Stop!  Why do we have to keep telling you to stop?!"
(Immediately, without even a single-breath's thought) Tyson: "Because I am young and immature..."

Annoyed feelings gone, replaced by shock and laughter.  It didn't get us to our destination any quicker, but it sure lightened up the mood in the car.

Look, Ma, no hands!

Just a man driving his family home at 86 mph...

License Plates

We returned home tonight from our trip down to St. George.  I have always loved playing games on drives, but this is honestly the first time I have ever truly played the License Plate Game.  I'm not sure why, but my eye has always watched license plates.  It's a weird quirk of mine, but I always notice when people's tabs are expired.  I don't even know why, really, I just naturally look at, and analyze, license plates.  I'm guessing it has something to do with numbers, which I have always found fascinating.

While we have 50 states, I knew it would be pretty much impossible to get Hawaii.  As I found more and more states, I was surprised to see how many I was getting from back East.  As the game progressed, the family was getting in on it, too.  It was funny to have Brennon ask me more than once if I'd gotten Idaho... while we were in Idaho.  His self-conscious giggle was adorable.  By the end, with only a few hours to go, I think everyone was feeling the pressure to get all 50, since I had gotten 41.  It was fun for all of us.  Especially when Brennon asked one more time, while in Idaho, if I'd gotten Idaho.  We all laughed hard at that, Brennon the most.

What's even more fun: I not only got 41 of the 50 states, but I also got a Germany and a Switzerland.  Talk about first-time luck!

I still find myself searching for the nine states I did not get.  We may have had a whirlwind trip with hours and hours of driving, but I kept myself entertained... without the need for electronics!  Kids (and future grandkids), take note!

Present

My heart.

Celebrations

Thursday, January 16th (Darwin & Jackie's true Anniversary)

Leave by 8:30am

 Utah has always had the most beautiful sunsets.  After weeks without sun at home, I was soaking it all in.  I wish cameras were able to capture true color.  These just don't do the beauty justice.  I thoroughly enjoyed the clouds, and how the sun going down painted them many different colors.

We arrived at Danielle's house at 7:30pm.

Friday, January 17th

Leave for St. George with weather advisories in place for Layton down through Nephi.  Randy promised he'd go slow.  Once the weather calmed down, he was back to his 7mph over the speed limit usual.

 I realize that the snow-capped mountains are many miles away, but I love the contrast of the red mountains and the white ones that look just behind them.  I love the varying landscapes that Utah has to offer.  Truly, one of the most gorgeous states in all of the United States of America, in my opinion.

 The boys got a Nintendo Switch for Christmas.  I didn't realize that it could do this, so it was even more fun to hear them getting excited about playing together when I realized it was because they were playing on the same team against others.  Just fun!

We arrived in St. George at 2:30pm, where we checked into our hotel, freshened up after two days of travel, and then headed to visit with family.

Saturday, January 18th, Party Time!

Randy and I scheduled a workout class.  It was fun to see how different, yet the same, the studios are.  Their studio may be three times the size of ours, but ours has more energetic coaches and music that make the class that much more fun.  Truly, if that had been my first class, I'm not sure I would have been as compelled to join.  Our coaches and atmosphere truly do make the workout so much fun!

We came back to eat breakfast as a family, then get ready for family pictures, set up, and party.
We met at the clubhouse at noon to set up.

Allyson worked her artistic talents to create this gorgeous sign to place in front of the clubhouse.

 The table includes many different pictures throughout the years, including a scrapbook page Darwin did in the 1970's before scrapbooking became popular.  Dan had a commemorative plaque made of things that happened throughout the United States the year they were married.

 Jamie helped me make place cards again, and then helped me last-minute when we found out six more people would be joining us.  Because I was in charge of decor, I also volunteered to pick up the paper products, since they were so much a part of my design.  The count before we left was 31.  With the last-minute cancellation of exactly six people (we missed Dan and Karen's family due to influenza), everything turned out pretty much perfect in the end.  Because our car held paper products, decorations, and slideshow, I'd been a nervous wreck for weeks as we saw more and more storms rolling in in all states we'd be driving.  I even asked Randy to search up flights and rental car, just in case.  As soon as we drove into St. George, I felt myself relax in a way that I hadn't been able to in weeks.

Jamie also helped me put together and print out The Story of Us that Steve & Natalie had written, to replace the Menu card we'd done for Keilie's homecoming place settings.  We opened up the party by reading this out.  It was beautiful.

We had planned to meet a professional photographer for pictures, but without Dan's family, we didn't want to pay the price of a professional without everyone there.  It became my honor to take pictures of Jackie and Darwin.

I have been so blessed with in-laws that I can love so deeply.  I was so emotional the entire day, hoping and praying to give them a party that showed just how much they mean to us all.  I love them more than I ever could imagine loving parents that I was not born to.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Next it was our turn.  I staged the family, but didn't think to ask if I was proportioned correctly.  I wish I would have taken a step to my right so the spacing was a little better.  Not too bad, though.

 (It's hard to love a family photo 100% anymore when I always see the place where Caden would stand)

I love us!

 By the time that Grandpa and Grandma Griffin got to our picture spot, we'd all been waiting out in the heat and sun for about 30 minutes.  Believe me, it's not lost on me that I'm "complaining" about being hot and uncomfortable in the middle of January!  I got Grandpa centered (he's really slowing down) and tried to quickly get everyone placed.  I see so many things that I wish I could fix (people that I would move to different locations, light posts that I wish could be just outside the picture, but we'd already placed Grandpa, shadows that I wish didn't need to be there, but we didn't want to face directly into the sun, Shelby's hair, Natalie's slight step to her right between takes, etc), but under the circumstances, I'm pleased with this third attempt (on a timer) large family picture.

Grandma Luanne was too weak to join us.  She's been recovering the last few weeks from being hospitalized with pneumonia.  It was wonderful to have Jackie's brother, John, and Aunt Jolene, and Grandpa and Grandma Griffin join us.  Darwin's brother, Kenny, was also able to come to the party, but didn't join us for pictures.

5:00pm-- PARTY TIME

 It was so special to stand and clap as they walked in.  I wanted to cry, but didn't.

 

We ended the night watching a slideshow of pictures throughout their 50 years together.  It was so much fun going through our thousands of pictures to find any they were in.  There were many!  I cannot wait to add more!

We said our goodbyes after watching the slideshow at home, where you could actually see the pictures clearly, and went back to our hotel.  The kids went to the hot tub while I packed and Randy massaged his aching foot.  Being the parent means working while the kids continue to play.  We left St. George with memories of the perfect Anniversary party and thoughts of another party to come!

 My parent's have a monthly 3rd Sunday dinner.  Because Chad's birthday is January 26th, they made it a birthday party for him.  My parents made amazing roast, potatoes, and carrots.  Danielle made rolls, and Brooke brought salad.  We brought exhaustion and excitement to get to be together.

We played Bingo

 Mira was not a fan of waiting outside while we all milled around during dinner and cleanup.

 My Dad did the dishes while everyone played together.

Then we played a Minute-to-Win it game my Mom wanted to try.  Empty soda can with the pop-top raised between a spaghetti noodle clasped between lips.

 Because I became the time keeper, I didn't get as many pictures as I could have.  Shelby and Payton, Brennon and Tyson, Brooke and Chad, Keilie and me, Randy and me, Brennon and Kenyan, Danielle and Taylor (who are the only ones that actually won!).  But I did get the cutest of them all...

Drew and Payton.  Is he not the cutest?!

By the time we made it to bed, I was beyond exhausted.  We left Monday morning with no real need to hurry.  My cousin Mike is dying of cancer, so we hoped to stop in and see him on our way home.  We could have on our way down, but I was worried about weather issues that could have had us driving straight down to St. George in the middle of the night to beat a storm.  We should have, since we found out just two hours before we were pulling into Nampa that they'd flown out that morning to Texas, but everything is 20/20 in hindsight.  We stopped to give my Aunt Tonya a quick hug before getting back on the road to make it home by 5:30pm.  We got the car unpacked, laundry in the washer, dinner in our bellies, and then collapsed on the couch for some Forensic Files.

It may have been an exhausting, whirlwind trip, but it was one of the most amazingly special occasions we've been a part of in a long, long time.  I'd been planning and creating in my mind for so long, it felt sad to have it end, even though it turned out exactly how I had imagined.  It's pretty neat to have Darwin & Jackie celebrate their 50th, my Mom & Dad celebrate their 40th, and Randy and I celebrate our 20th this year.  How grateful I am to have so many examples of happy marriages that have had their ups and downs, but are still going strong through love, support, and daily choices to cherish the one you're with.