Brothers

**When Tyson saw what I was blogging about, he told me that I should take a picture of them today.  "I wanted you to take a picture of us yesterday, and the day before, too."

I love that my boys get along so well.  Honestly, they're the quintessential best friend brothers.  Like last year, they've been dressing in the same outfit for school, making and packing the same lunch for school, and reading the same book.  If they've earned time on electronics, they're usually playing or watching the same thing.  If they're earning time on electronics, it's usually playing together.  I love it!

Another thing that I love is how well they share.  On our way down to Utah at the first of the month, we took the kids to the Dollar Store to pick out a few treats for the drive.  Shelby and Keilie went through the store solo, grabbing whatever they wanted.  Tyson leaned over to Brennon and ask, "What if we both got things that we like, and then split them?  That way we have some of ten things instead of just five whole things."  Brennon instantly agreed, and they went through the store together, suggesting things they both liked.

When I asked about their first day of school, Tyson's first words were, "They changed the lunch schedule.  I don't get to sit across from Brennon at the lunch table."  Brennon piped up, "Shelby got to eat lunch with the third graders last year, so we were excited to sit together, but they changed it!"  It warmed my heart that they planned, and looked forward to sitting together for lunch.  With all of the their friends present, they were most looking forward to sitting with their brother.

Tyson has been pretty into ghosts and dinosaurs the last little bit, anything scary or creepy really.  While searching a harmless video about haunted houses, he actually scared himself a little bit.  It wasn't a scary video, only the thought of something in the house started to get to him.  That night, and for a whole week after, he slept in Brennon's room.  While I wish they would share for good again, I love that they looked forward to sleeping together for this little spurt.  I piqued my ears to hear their talking before falling asleep.

When all of the kids returned home on Tuesday, I sat back and watched them interact, anxious and excited to hear all of their stories.  It was a typical afternoon: Keilie and Shelby arguing and talking rude to each other, while Tyson and Brennon giggled, planned matching after-school snacks, and coordinated time together outside and on electronics.

It's refreshing to have kids that get along so well.  Having grown up with all sisters, and having no real understanding of boys or brothers, the fact that it's my boys, in my mind, makes it even more incredible.  And adorable.

Honest

I was pretty sick on Monday.  I woke super exhausted, not really wanting to exercise, but told myself to stop whining, that my muscles would warm up and wake up, and to just get myself in gear.  But I didn't feel better, I got much, much worse.  I realized last night that I actually couldn't remember much of Monday.  When I asked him if we'd done Father's Blessings, because I honestly couldn't remember anything past lunchtime, he looked at me like I was joking.  Or nuts.  I was that sick.

Danielle asked me yesterday if I'd gotten First Day of School pictures.  I hadn't prepared at all for them the day before, and I was just too sick the early-morning of.  But, if I am being completely honest, I think I couldn't really prepare for it because it was so hard for me to think that one of my kids had this last year...

And this this year...

Sometimes it's hard keeping up traditions for the other kids, because I am fighting a massive battle inside.  They're getting the shadow of their mom right now, and it breaks my heart.

I thought it was a stomach bug, but maybe I am just heart heavy.  This is one of those times it's hard not to mourn missed opportunities.  Caden would have been a Senior in High School this year!  A Senior!  If he hadn't had cancer, had had a "normal" childhood, we would have been helping him prepare for graduation, college, and mission papers within this year-- all hard to realize we'll never do.  I know where he is, I know he's not suffering anymore, that he'll never suffer again, but that doesn't make it easier for me right now.  I'm severely missing my son.

Stories

I love hearing stories about Caden.  I will always love talking about him.  Especially the type of stories that we heard today!

Maren Stafford:

Maren came into the Nursery room after church to tell me that while they were at a camping trip with friends and neighbors, the subject of a Scouts camping adventure down some nearby rapids came up.  All that were at the rapids told different portions of the story to those that were not there, all about how Caden volunteered to "ride the bull" front and center, and how all they could see during some of the most chaotic parts of the rapids were two skinny legs flailing in the air.  Maren said how special it was to sit around that fire, reminiscing and talking about Caden.

KaraLee Edvalson:

While at Especially For Youth in Provo this summer, a boy in her group, upon hearing she was from Richland, Washington, asked if she knew Caden Dirks.  "Yes!  He was in my ward."  "I was his friend growing up in Casper, Wyoming!"  It was Connor Worthen, one of the founding members of Caden's Crew. {Read more about that here} 

Thousands of kids attend EFY from around the nation at many different locations.  And it just so happens that one of Caden's friends from Casper and one of his friends from Richland happened to be in the same group, during the same session, at the same location.  Small, small world!  Friends joined by a common thread: Caden.

In parting, Maren hugged me, and with sparkling tears rimming her eyes, said, "Your son is not forgotten."  My heart, it overflows.

Foreshadowing

While scrolling through pictures last night, I came across this one from 2011.  I'm not quite sure why, but Caden was a little out-of-focus in this one.  I actually thought, "foreshadowing."  It felt weird.  Man, I miss him. 

I look at this and admire pour over the faces of my sweet, tiny, gorgeous babes, but it doesn't make me sad that they're older and no-so tiny anymore.  I loved that stage, and I love the stage we're in now.  Being a mom is the best.  They sure were cute little kids!

Keilie Ann- 15!

 

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful 15-year old I have ever known.  Keilie Ann, you are so, so, so loved.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to call you mine.

Happy 15th Birthday, Keilie Ann Dirks!!!

Count On Me!

It has been a long time since I have felt mortified, for which I am grateful.  However, I think the length of time actually made tonight's embarrassment feel that much heavier.  Plus, my unstable emotions.  And stress of kids going back to school that still feels like I'm being abandoned, again, because I'm not ready to be alone yet.  I am just a little messed up right now, it seems.  Anyway, I digress.

A couple weeks ago, we got reminder emails that our Cub Scouts Pack Meeting was tonight.  When I went to put it in my phone, I realized that I'd already had it on the schedule, and that I was also in charge of refreshments.  I remembered that I'd signed up for them all the way back in January, so when I saw that the meeting was scheduled as "Games and Popsicles," I sent out an email to confirmation.

"I have it on my calendar that I am in charge or bringing refreshments for this Pack Meeting (8/21/18).  I signed up to bring them many months ago.  Should I just pick up a bunch of popsicles?  If so, how many would you suggest?  If I am supposed to bring an additional refreshment because the pack is bringing popsicles, I can do that as well.  Please let me know what I should do.  

Thank you,

Steph"

I got the reply back that another girl and I were co-refreshments, that 7-8 dozen would be sufficient, and if I'd coordinate with her.  I was on it.  I updated the time in my phone, purchased the cold stuffs when we got home from Utah, let her know I'd grabbed them and that I'd bring them that night, responded to the email "You can count on me," and felt super prepared and on top of things.  I love feeling and being prepared.

When we got there, a game was already in progress.  I didn't think much of it, though, because our ward is super fun and always playing, talking, and having fun together.  After setting my cooler on a nearby table, I walked over to a group of friends and jokingly asked, "Am I late?"  I wanted to die when she pityingly looked at me and said, "It started at 6:00.  I tried to text you," as I watched in horror as the co-refreshment gal walked past, on her way to my cooler table, with bags (and I mean bags) of popsicles in her hands.

They weren't kidding around with me-- I was late.  Late enough that they had to send someone, last second, to the store down the street, for refreshments.  Instead of being 7 minutes early for the meeting, I was 43 minutes to late.

She set hers down, they called everyone to order, said the closing prayer, and let the kids loose on the SIXTEEN DOZEN ice cream sandwiches/popsicles.

Thank goodness I reigned in my tears (I'm not even kidding, I had to take gulping breaths to calm myself, I was so close) before it go too embarrassing.  I am ashamed to remember them touching my arm, telling me it was OK.  Man, I wish I didn't feel so fragile all the time.

While racking my brain, trying to figure out how I was so wrong, it hit me:

I had made the time adjustments on my phone while we were in Utah.  The time was off by one hour, because the appointment had been made in another time zone.

Technology failed me today.  I felt horrible.  I still feel horrible.

Sardonic laughter as I remember emailing the Scout Master, "You can count on me!"

Air Quality

We've hit a record here in the Tri-Cities that I wish no one ever had to hit: Hazardous Air Quality, never before seen in our area.  We got warnings on our phones, urging us to stay indoors, recirculate our air, regulate our activity, wear masks if possible, and take refuge in public places if you do not have air conditioning, so you don't leave your windows open.

I wanted to check to see what the air quality numbers were.  Google was not to be trusted, clearly.

There is supposed to be a mountain (not a Utah Mountain mountain, but a Richland mountain) right there.  Oh, and sky, too, there's normally a sky right there.  And another thing, a sun.  This picture was taken a Noon, yet it was that dark.  I can't even say gray, because we all know what gray skies look like.  This was more like the wool blanket of gray skies, hot and suffocating in it's completeness.

I think this person captured it better than I, though.

It was pretty scary.  We haven't seen clear skies the entire month of August.  Heck, even mid-July we started to have smoky skies.  But it has never, ever been as bad as it's been the past two days!  Like last summer, the West is burning.

Protector

My Mira protects me even when I dream.  

Ashlee captured this gem while we were in Utah.  Also, if there's one thing I can say for cancer care, it's that I learned well how to sleep in chairs, with noise and chaos all around me.  This scene melts my heart.  Love my girl.

National Anthem

Shelby has been going to a choir camp through the Columbia Basin College this week.  The culminating event was a chance to sing the National Anthem at our local baseball team, the Dust Devils', game tonight, along with a few others songs before the game.  It was so special to see my girl singing out for all to hear.

 Pre-Game "Funtainment" Show

 Columbia Basin Mastersingers Choir with Dusty Dust Devil

Shelby is standing directly next to the director's right hand, facing us.

 Snow Cones for all 40 choir members.

Bent Larsen, Shelby, Russell Wilson (with the Seattle Seahwawks now, but got his start here in the Tri-Cities!), and Sydnee Larsen.

This is the first year the Mastersingers have a choir for girls in 4th-7th grade, as well as Girls' and Boy's High School age.  I am overjoyed that Shelby gets to join this choir.  It's an amazing opportunity for her, one that I know she'll shine in.

**Side note: Russell Wilson is known to visit Seattle Children's Cancer Care Floors once a week when he's in Seattle.  We never saw him.  With as much time as we spent at Seattle Children's, I'm not quite sure how that happened.  Regardless, knowing how great he is with the cancer kiddos, he'll always be kind of my favorite, even though I don't follow sports at all.

Club

Caden's age during cancer care was a clear blessing in some ways, and almost a curse in another.  Because he was older, I never felt as if I needed to have adult interactions in either Seattle Children's Hospital, or the Ronald McDonald House.  Because of that, Caden and I grew very close in such tight quarters-- this being both a blessing and a curse.  I love how close we grew, how much time we spent one-on-one, how much I learned about him as a son and a person, but it also added another facet of sorrow when my best friend of the past four years was gone. 

Because I didn't look outward too much for adult conversation, I only really connected and conversed with two women, both named Sarah.  I first reached out to Sarah G. because her son was supposed to attend the same Elementary as my own kids.  It was comforting to talk with someone from home, vent about similar frustrations of cancer symptoms and side effects, and bond over a common trial.  Sarah G. is the one that introduced me to Sarah K..  While I had known Sarah G. for a few years longer, Sarah K. and I became fast friends while living in the RMH while Caden did immunotherapy April-May 2017.  Other than these two women, I didn't really communicate beyond niceties with anyone, even though my path crossed with many others over the years.

Sarah G's little boy died one week after Caden.  For the past 10 months, we've text back and forth with each other for all the celebratory days missed (her little boy would have been 10 just a few days ago), the difficult holidays, and just the everyday days that bring us to our knees.  Today, she let me know that Sarah K's little boy passed away this week.  I didn't know that my heart could hurt more, but it can.

I love the memories of our last few months with Caden, many of which include just he and I.  I also love that because we were so content spending time together, I didn't try to attempt to make more friends.  It is so, so hard realizing that the two friends I did make have now both lost their sons, like me.  Pretty much a Club from hell.  A club that IS hell.  Stephanie, Sarah, and Sarah all lost their sons after meeting in Seattle.

It's confusing to remember how hard cancer care was, but feel as if the depth of all emotions of those years can be diminished, somehow, when comparing four years to the rest of my life without Caden. 

And Caleb G. (9).  And Easton K. (7)

Paint

I may not be able to see vision when it comes to hairstyles, or science experiments, or even for how a quilt will turn out in the end with the fabric I have chosen, but I do see vision when it comes to my home.  I ponder on things so much, I can basically see how it will turn out. 

Since moving into our peach home, I've thought and thought about what color I wanted to paint it eventually.  For as long as I can remember, I've had the same color in my mind, seeing it each time I drove up to our home, from all angles.  In my mind, it's gorgeous.

Since returning from Danielle's big remodel (she's getting her countertops today!), talk has been about updating our own home a little bit.  There wasn't much that needed work when we moved in, so there's not much that really needs to be done.  Of course, there are things I would like done, but not needed.  I don't think I'll ever lack ideas to make our house more decorated.  Anyway, I digress.  Randy said that we might as well paint the house when our painters come (they're doing it for free, so we've told them it can be whenever they're not too busy.  Which may be never, since we've told them this since the day we signed contracts March 2017) to paint our front room (remember the ugly orange?!), so we sat down to a visualizer online with a two-story home with similar shingle colors.

Stress.  Mounds and mounds of heavy stress have been added to my shoulders.  What if I hate the color that's been in my head for more than a year now?  What if any color I choose looks worse than the peach with red shingles and black front door?  I would have no one to blame but myself if it looks horrible, or I hate it.

I tried to capture a picture of our own for the visualizer, to see the colors on our own home, but the thick smoke that has been congesting our lungs and burning our eyes for more than a month now- made even worse by a recent fire in Kennewick- distorted the colors too much, making the true color of our shingles look less vibrant than they truly are.  (I will say, the red sun coming through the thick smoke does look cool sometimes.)

It's all fun and games to contemplate paint colors, until you are actually given the opportunity to choose.  

Why did they choose this color of shingle?  Black would open up a whole new world of options!  What HOA approved these shingles and allowed this color scheme?!  That's right-- the one that allowed a purple house with red door, yet was upset that we put a kick plate and stickers on ours!  

Family Pictures

I FREAKING LOVE US!!! 

Black Out

Let me start by saying I have passed out many times in my life.  Many.  Most because I was too hot, many because I was having blood taken (even if I was lying down-- it doesn't matter), and once because I was watching a doctor stuff gauze with a sharp object into an open hole in Caden's chest above his heart, where a staph infection had eaten away his skin after his port surgery.  I've passed out many times, but have never actually seen someone else pass out.  I got that opportunity this past Saturday.

Wanting to have the cousin time last a bit longer, Payton asked if Shelby could sleep over at her house with her.  Absolutely!  Russ and Ashlee were going to caravan home with us after the funeral, so Russ was calling to ask our plans, to see how much he needed to pack before we left for the funeral in just under an hour.  Upon arrival at Danielle's house, I heard Russ say, "Um... Shelby just fell down."  I didn't know exactly where Shelby was, since I'd just arrived, but immediately heard Danielle start frantically saying Shelby's name.  I rushed up the stairs to pandemonium.

In Danielle's main bathroom, I saw Danielle trying to roll Shelby over.  She was frantically calling out her name, awkwardly trying to roll her face up in the confined space between the cabinets and toilet.  Once she finally got her turned over, cradling her body close, Danielle told me what happened.

"As I was curling her hair, the strand I was working on kind of got stuck in the straight iron.  Shelby started to kind of pull away, but I thought she was just joking, so I didn't try to catch her and she fell on her face."

I heard, but didn't really hear, if that makes sense.  I just stared at Shelby's face, willing her to wake up.  In a panic, I called Randy (the family was waiting in the car while I ran in real quick), screaming at him to get in the house, get up the stairs, hurry, hurry, hurry.  In the tense confusion, and hearing the fear in Danielle's cries, my mind was screaming, "Something's seriously wrong with Shelby.  Shelby's sick.  We have to take her to the ER, and I know what happens when you take your child to the ER.  I wonder if she has a brain tumor..."  It was a scary, surreal feeling to see her "sleeping," screaming at her in my head to just wake up already, tell me what happened, tell me where the pain was, was it in the center of her brain!  It felt like a year passed in that minute.  Fear of cancer care creeped up my spine, wrapping gnarled claws around my throat and heart.  I don't think I'll ever be the same again-- I'll always fear cancer.

When she finally did wake up, she was surrounded by love.  Russ had grabbed a fan, holding it at an angle and aiming it on her.  Danielle was still cradling her close, caressing her face.  Ashlee had gone to grab something ice cold, to bring down her temperature.  Randy and I stood close, relieved to find that she had just gotten too hot.  With two showers having been taken and three curling tools on in the bathroom, adding in warm curls falling around her face and neck while standing for an extended period of time, Shelby had just gotten too hot.  She does not have a brain tumor, thank goodness.  (Whisper) That we know of...

If anybody is going to pass out, I think I'll be the one to volunteer.  Take one for the team, and all that.  It's scary being the one to watch and wait.  Plus, I've had lots of practice with the disorienting feeling of waking up.  I'm pretty much a Gold Medalist.

Namesake

A few weeks ago our dinner conversation starter asked, "If you could have dinner with someone, past or present, whom would it be?"  Brennon's answer: Cousin Brennon.

As we were heading to the mortuary for my Grandpa's viewing, Brennon asked if Cousin Brennon was going to be there.  When I told him Yes, he actually cheered and pumped his fist. 

Look at that joyous, radiant smile!  He sure loves his namesake!

While the circumstances were hard, it was so wonderful to see family and friends that I haven't seen for years.  Some, sadly, decades ago.  There was laughter and reminiscing that made the room loud with memories and love.  It was just the kind of gathering that my Grandpa would have loved.  A true celebration of life, love, and togetherness. 

The Wayne and Joanne Kimber family is the type of family that others wish to have.  We feel deeply, play hard, and make others want to join the world our Grandpa built in the very way he spoke and lived.  My cousin Kyle said it best, "If you didn't love my Grandpa, there is something wrong with you."

Neglected

Our first order of business after returning from Utah was head to Caden's for some Sabbath day family time.  We brought some soap and a brush, and did a little landscaping and clean up of, and around the headstone.  Mira did most of the work, as you can see. 

I can't believe how quickly the living and dead grass clippings can overtake the clean lines of the stone!  It hurt to see how neglected it looked and felt.  10 days felt like a long time to be away, but it looked even more so when we walked up to his grave, like we hadn't been there for 10 months...

This boy is so loved, and so missed.  I cannot believe he would have started his Senior year of High School in a few days.  He would have killed it!

Burned

We were able to go swimming three times while in Utah.  The first two times we got pretty burned, no matter how many times we applied our sunscreen.  The third time, we lathered on SPF 100... and still got burned.  I am one that has always known the importance of sun exposure and cancer, so we've always been very vigilant about SPF.  In fact, we go through a can a day during the summer-- no exaggeration whatsoever!  So when we kept getting burned, especially cheeks (and eyeballs, if you can believe it), I started to really worry.

(See Tyson's pink eyeballs?!  Or is it too hard to get past his bright cheeks?!)

We figure that it's because we live at sea level in Washington, whereas Utah's elevation is much higher.  Like on the surface of the sun, apparently!

Our skin gets pretty browned by the end of the season (or the end of the first day for Keilie!), but we hardly ever burn.  My kids even commented that they don't remember the last time they burned, if they have ever gotten burned before.  It was hard for us to wrap our heads around this new thing: Sunburn.

Keilie, in near panic, asked, "Mom, what am I supposed to do with my peeling face?"

(Shoulder Shrug) "Endure, I guess."

I got pretty brown as a child, but I don't remember burning as much as we did each day we went swimming this trip!

Blue Ribbon

Our niece, Allyson, won a Blue Ribbon at the Weber County Fair for this painting:

She has more talent in her pinky fingernail than I posses in my whole person.  Suffice it to say: She is amazing!!!  Hence, being accepted for an art scholarship at Dixie University!  

It's really cool watching our eldest nieces and nephews grow up.  Tyson, just 7 when we were married, served a Mission in Russia, is now married himself, and recently graduated College.  Dylan and Tristan, both 4 at our wedding, have been graduated for a few years, and Allyson (just 3 months) and Sierra (born 2 months later) just graduated this year.  I am one proud Aunt! Dirks: 5 Nephews and 2 Nieces  Burrell: 2 Nephews and 7 Nieces.  Life holds many opportunities for them all.  I cannot wait to celebrate them all!

Spin Class

This morning, at 5:15AM, I got to go to a Spin class with my Mom, Danielle, and Ashlee, where the instructor is our cousin/niece-in-law, Mary Burrell.  While Spin is not my favorite workout class, it was made FUN by those that were there!

(Rachelle Burrell, Danielle Johnson, Ashlee Wilsterman, Stephanie "Slow Poke" Dirks, Brady Burrell (Our Cousin/Mary's Hubs), and a woman that we clapped and cheered for when we heard she'd lost over 130 pounds!!  

My Mom is a Spin rockstar!  I aspire to acquire some of my Mom's skills, but Spin is not one of them.  No one will ever be as amazing as she, I guarantee it.  It was a FUN class, despite my bony "sit bones", bleary eyes, and aversion to burning legs! 

 Trying to get a picture of the three of us on our bikes.  Then I heard Mary yell out the word, "Attack," and I knew we were getting serious, so I put away the phone and peddled my legs off on a bike that goes nowhere.  *I have never wished for more padding in my back pockets than I did about three minutes into this class.  I'm serious, it felt like I was sitting on razors.  For days after, too!"*

 Me, Ashlee, Mary, and Danielle.  

I love these women!!  Brooke had to work, otherwise I would have made her come with us.  I have never enjoyed working out before the sun, but it was fun to go twice with Danielle!!  My goodness, I have the best family in the world!

Burrell Family 2018

Keilie Ann (14.95)

Shelby Jacquelyn (11.5)

 Brennon Wayne (10.5)

 Tyson Darwin (8.75)

My mom made the comment that, since we were all in Utah, she wanted to try and get a family picture.  Nothing fancy, no stress, just a simple family picture.  Because it came together within a day, we didn't really have time to coordinate our clothing, we all just grabbed things we had.  In our case, what we had in our suitcases.  When we all showed up at Kimberly's house, we were surprised to see the color choices of all families...

 We all coordinated without a word to each other as to what we were wearing!!

I LOVE this zany, wacky, funny, amazing family of mine!

Especially this man, who thinks he's SOOO funny!  I feign eye rolls, but secretly love his inappropriate humor when the camera is trained on us.

I freaking love us!