Wrath

Keilie ticked Tyson off this morning.  I mean, ticked. him. off.  When he gets started on a cause, he really commits.  After she left for school, he tore through her room, thrashing out his anger at the injustice of her actions-- she would pay!  While he went too far, I can see that he was pestered well past his breaking point.  She really was pretty mean in her taunts and bigger-than-him bullying.  I made him pick up the coins he'd thrown around the room, and crawl under her bed to get everything out (he's diabolical, that one.  He knows I don't allow stuff under the bed, and made sure to shove a bunch under there for her to clean out!), but I made her clean the rest, as punishment for what she'd done.

After the kids went to bed tonight, while I was putting away the vacuum, I found this gem...

 He went so far as to hide some of her things, and write her a little note.

"Keilie is a poop nugget!"  Should I be ashamed that my first thought was, "Hm.  He spelled every word right."   

Be quiet

While at a doctor appointment yesterday to review my prescription status and how my physical and emotional health are doing, we somehow got on the topic of obsessive thoughts and how they affect us.  His wife had gone to a Mom's Night Out where one of the women, someone she considers a friend, was very vocal about how "doctors are just in the business for the money, that they don't really care about the patients, that she would never trust one," and on and on and on.  He said his wife was quite upset about it, and that he, too, had been quite offended by it, and how it had kind of put a damper on both their weekends.  I commiserated.  Talk turned back to me.

I told him that I thought things were going well, that I had my occasional hard days, but that I felt that things were continuing to go as well as could be expected.  I told him that I would eventually like to try an anxiety medicine, but that with how well things were going, I didn't feel it was the right time to try something new right now.  The last medication I tried gave me incredible headaches the very next day through the next week, more debilitating that my anxiety.  I have been doing so well the last few months, that I just don't want to try anything that could make a negative impact on me.  My anxiety is there, sure, but I feel like I can handle it passably without trying something that could possibly make it better.

When I told him that I was a little apprehensive for Caden's upcoming birthday, he asked me to explain a little more.  I told him that I was nervous thinking that it could be a hard day, but not because I knew it would be hard.  I don't think I will forebode about it enough to make it a bad day, only that it has the potential to be a hard day, and that is a little scary.  He said that made sense, and asked if we had any plans.  When I told him that we didn't really, although we have a few things we were considering, I kind of mentioned that we may do cake and ice cream.

In a tone and manner I can only describe as conspiratorial joking, he said, "Well, don't set a place at the table for him-- that would border on creepy and unhealthy."  *Chuckle, chuckle.  Eyebrow waggle.  I just cracked the funniest joke*

My offense reared up fast and searing.  I had been thinking of possibly doing just that.  We'd sing, we'd take flowers (real ones) and balloons to his grave, and we'd save for and deliver presents that would benefit children at either Seattle Children's (he got birthday gifts from them in 2014 when he was stuck in the hospital after his first major surgery), or the Ronald McDonald House (he got to choose a gift last year when we were stuck in Seattle for the immunotherapy). 

With a heart near bursting, trying very hard to keep my voice from wavering, I rasped, "Well, we did actually set a place for him for about a month after he passed.  But that became too hard.  We stopped doing that much sooner than I thought we would, actually.  But I was considering it, maybe, for his birthday."

It was at that point that the feelings in the room changed.  His face changed, his stance changed, his tone softened, repentant.  "You know, Stephanie, you have the right to tell me to stop talking.  I don't know what I'm talking about, I am not that kind of doctor.  I should not have said that.  I've never gone through anything like this before, never had to contemplate what I would do in your situation.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, or to celebrate his birthday.  Just tell me to be quiet."

Our meeting came to a screeching halt.  He apologized, stuttering through his apologies, completely kicking himself, told me to call him if I felt I needed anything or wanted to try a new medication, and that he'd see me in six months.  In October.  Right after the 1-year anniversary.  Don't even ask how I think that day is going to go, or what we plan to do. 

I know this man, this doctor, means well; I know he didn't mean to hurt me, that he wasn't trying to hurt me, he was trying for light and fun.  But I did take offense quickly.  It hurt to be "made fun of" for a choice I was considering to celebrate what should be a joyous day.  I just don't understand how someone could say anything remotely similar to anything like that when a grieving mother says she's worried about how she's going to cope with her dead son's birthday coming up, or even think making a joke to lighten the subject was a good idea.  The subject will never, can never be light, and that's OK.

Because we all say things we don't mean, because we all just want others to feel happy, because I know this doctor really does care for me as a patient, as a person, as a friend, even, I will not obsess over his comments and allow it to put a damper on my week.  But, because I am human, I can say: I hope you know that really hurt.  Learn that lesson well, doctor.  Sometimes you do not have to say a thing.

Ripped

I called the dentist to cancel the wiggle appointment for Brennon, since he basically thought that tooth out!  I had to leave a message, so when the dentist's office called back about half and hour later, and because I was busy, I didn't worry too much about answering.  I thought they were just letting me know that they had gotten the appointment and cancelled it.  Later that day, I listened to the message, kicking myself for not answering right away-- it was the dentist.

"I talked with another dentist in the office, as well as the orthodontist.  We all believe that the most conservative option for Brennon's tooth is to have the baby tooth above the {insert lengthy, hard to say and sound out word that only a dentist would know here} tooth extracted, in hopes that the open space for the {the word again} tooth to come up will induce the body to correct the mistake.  If that does not work, he'll need to have surgery within a year."

And just like that, Brennon will have five teeth extracted in four and a half months: four incisors December 2017, and this new one.  The office staff had not cancelled the appointment since the dentist had left a message for them to let him know when I called back, so he could talk with me in person.  So, instead of the wiggle of a loose tooth on May 9th, Brennon now gets to have a tooth that is years away from becoming loose ripped from his jaw; years later than other children, because of his slower tooth growth rate.  All this work simply for teeth to come in, not to mention the rest of the orthodontia -including jaw expansion- needed to fix the permanent teeth, jaw, and smile.

Keilie better be grateful for her perfect teeth.  Again, a dentist actually asked when she got her braces off!  Two dentist have now asked that very same question.  Blessed with perfect teeth and a beautiful face and countenance.  She is coming together nicely!  I am equal parts relieved and jealous.

Pinewood Derby 2018

Hillview Ward Pinewood Derby

April 17, 2018

Was it too much to ask that our boys tie for First?  As it turns out, we had two boys race six times to determine who won third (plus the other eight races they both ran to tie for third).  Those six tie-breaker races proved to be unnecessary-- they won and lost the exact same number of races then, too.  We had a tie for third place!

It's always hard to watch the face of your child after their first race, if they weren't the one that had one the heat.  Such was the case for both of our boys.  Brennon's came in 3rd, Tyson's 2nd.  They believed, after all of the work they did on these cars, that they were really going to win.  Randy had been preparing them for many days about how they'd done everything they could, so they needed to be proud of their cars, even if they didn't win.  The Dirks did not come in 1st this year, as was the case a few years over the last 8 years of racers (Caden, Keilie, and Shelby have all won a Pinewood Derby), but we did have one boy place: Tyson took 2nd!

Randy bought a new belt sander and band saw this year.  These boys used the power tools to cut their own cars.  Randy felt much more comfortable with the new power tools-- he was always so nervous to let Caden use his old tools.  He was allowed to make a cut or two, but never allowed to do it all.  They drew out their designs on graph paper, traced their design on the side of the block of wood, and then cut out their cars with Randy standing over them to guide and protect.  They did an amazing job.

I also love that their cars mirror each others.

A fun 18 second slow-motion video of Tyson winning one of his heats.  It was the perfect moment kind of video.

Brennon came in 7 out of 19 boys.  They all raced 8 races, with each car racing twice on each of the four lanes against different opponents.  It was a really great night, even if our boys didn't tie for First.  I am very proud of their sportsmanship and craftsmanship!

1st place (winning each and ever heat)- Maxwell Evans

2nd place- Tyson Dirks!

3rd place- Roman Cleaves and Isaac Hammond (Brennon's best friend)

Spring Break-- Days 4 & 5

Spring Break 2018

Tuesday, April 3 and Wednesday, April 4

Randy had work for Momdot that needed to be printed, signed, and faxed back, so while he went to a Kinkos, the kids and I played on the Strip.  I forgot to mention that we'd stopped in at the M & M's store and the Coca Cola store.  While in the M & M's store, we found machines to stamp pennies with an image-- we always try and do one of those if we're on vacation, saving quite a few over the years in a collectables case.  We didn't have any quarters or pennies that night, so we planned to do that this morning.  We also planned to go to Hershey's.  We'd had breakfast at a McDonld's and sent Randy on his way to work while we played. Story of Randy's life.

Because Randy was feeling a bit guilty about working on our vacation, he told me that he'd be ok if I allowed the kids to get something.  Oh my goodness, our children were not the only "kids" in the candy store-- I was just as giddy as they!

 I actually gasped as I saw these Strawberry Syrup bottles as soon as we walked in.  If the delicacies in this store were going to be this large, we were walking into the store of my dreams!  I used my sunglasses as a reference!

 I'm not even joking, if they would have had a Reese's this size, I would have gladly walked the Strip all. day. long with my purchase strapped to my back. 

Tyson found a bag of Jolly Rancher lollies (you have to say lollies with a British accent, kay) and never once seemed to consider any other treat.  Brennon immediately said he wanted to do the slot machine Hershey's Kisses (seen behind Shelby above).  I noticed that they were sold by the pound, so I handed Brennon the bag, telling him to fill it that a certain point, about 1/4 of the bag.  Only I didn't realize how much the bottom of the bag opened up with any weight.  Brennon filled the bag to the exact measurement I gave, MUCH more than I realized it would hold.

Shelby chose the slot machine Jolly Rancher's after watching Brennon have such a good time getting a few of each sample.  This time, I knew how much the bottom of the bag opened up, but since she'd seen the measurement I gave Brennon, I had to say she could get the same amount.  It would come back to haunt me later.

Keilie wandered around a bunch, not sure what candy she wanted to actually get.  She asked if she could use the money she'd spend on candy to put towards a purchase of a shirt.  I agreed.  As it turns out, Tyson's purchase was the cheapest (the actual cost of a bag of candy from the store, since it was pre-packaged), with Shelby, Brennon, and Keilie spending the same amounts...

As the cashier told me the price, I felt heat flush my face-- we had just spent $67.00 in the candy store.  It's not so bad to say that she bought a Twizzlers shirt for $20.00 (for a souvenir that's not too bad), but realizing that $47.00 was spent on Candy-- YOWSA!  I was mortified!  The candy was consumed before we made it home two days later, by the way.  It's right up there with my recent incentive for a cute 10-year old boy to yank gingerly press out a tooth.  They're good disguising the amount those bags can hold-- sneaky devils.

After our spending spree, we went to the M & M's store for our penny pressing.  Each child got to choose their own, with Keilie's choice on the fourth level of the store.  Boy, I never thought I'd say this, but the chocolate smell was too much.  I actually had a slight headache after leaving that store.

Randy made it back in time to grab a quick lunch before our Magic show with Mac King.

 There were a few parts of the show that had a bit of adult humor, but not many. At one point he said he was going to teach us how to count in a language that doesn't really exist.  "One-skin, Two-skin, Three-skin..... {suggestive eyebrow raise, with a curt}FOUR... and Five-Skin."  I was glad my kids didn't get the joke.  He did some amazing acts, made it fun by pulling people from the audience, and made us all laugh.  I loved hearing the kids verbally express the things I was thinking.  "How did he do that?!"  I would recommend him to anyone that enjoys good, clean fun.

 Our family selfie in our KK (Caden's baby nickname) section.

Backstory: On Monday night, after walking the Strip, the kids really wanted to go swimming.  We told them to hurry and get their suits on, since we were pretty exhausted and didn't want to be too late getting to bed.  With suits on, we headed to the elevator while Randy called the front desk for directions to the pool.  We all thought he was joking when he stopped mid-stride and incredulously said, "The pool is closed?!"  But when he faced us, still talking to them, we knew he was telling the truth.  Pool hours were 10:00am-5:00pm.  That means that they expect people to go on vacation to this destination, forgoing all other activities around the town, to swim during the day in a place that stays hot until after dark...  I was ticked.  The kids were discouraged and sad.  Randy was relieved.

Between shows, Keilie and Tyson wanted to do the roller coaster in New York, New York, while Shelby and Brennon wanted to go swimming.  We made the long trek to the roller coaster, only to be turned away-- Tyson was just 1-2" too short, and Keilie didn't want to go alone.  Randy and I chose not to, since there was a possibility it could cause us headaches (which happened to both of us the last two amusement parks we've gone to).  Swimming it was.

By this time we only had about 20 minutes left to swim.  The kids still had a great time.  We'd taken goggles for the pool, so we were decked out and prepared for a good time.  We dried off and prepared for our buffet dinner and Cirque Du Soliel show.

 While waiting in a line that would put Disneyland to shame, we stood next to windows that showed them preparing the desserts of our meal.  I knew right then and there that this was going to be the best buffet I had ever eaten at in my entire life!  And this was only a tiny sample.  They had about 5 different kinds of cookies, pies, and cakes, and ice creams.  They had cotton candy, brownies, eclairs, and cheesecake.  And Brennon's favorite:

Cereal with milk.  He'd had pizza and chicken before this-- this was dessert!  The food variety was wide and delicious.  The desserts were even more so!  It was an incredible buffet!!!  Made even more wonderful with the extra ticket we were able to give away as we thought of Caden.

 This show was amazing.  The drums, the singing, the acrobats, the ambience all made for an all-encompassing experience that both felt and looked spectacular.  The strength and beauty displayed was magic of a different kind that seen earlier in the day.  It was fantastic!  Although, I did think, "Oh, so you can climb that vertical 10' pole with only your hands as you keep your body perfectly horizontal?!  Well, get a load of this-- I can blink my eyes!"  Every act was incredible.

Sleep came faster this night.  Again, it was so full, I was exhausted.

Wednesday morning, Randy took the kids to breakfast while I packed the two rooms to head home.  Once packed, we headed on I-515 for the Hoover Dam.  The traffic was intense, but we had a great time.

 I can never have enough family selfies

This may be the only time in my entire life where I thought, "You know, I've got [all] of my ducks in a row."

We drove to St. George to pick up our Mira girl, while saying goodbye to Jackie and Grandma Louann,

and headed to back Roy for the final night of our vacation.  We woke on Thursday morning and headed home.  It was a great vacation, sprinkled with both sorrow and Caden reminders that we knew were whispers from our Heavenly Father.  Caden was with us.  We are loved.  

As a side note: The Dollar General bag you see in the picture above is actually another work thing we had to do.  While still in Vegas, we had to go and take pictures of ourselves buying Dixie Paper Plates in the Dollar General, eventually using those paper plates and writing about it.  Nothing screams family vacation quite like taking your Cannon and kids into the dollar store to take pictures of purchasing paper plates!  Good Times!

Tuesday Twins

I'm happy to say that my kids have become pretty good at getting ready for school soon after they wake.  Every once in a while I'll have to remind them to stay on task, but more often than not, they not only get ready for school, but read for 30 minutes before school as well.  When I got back from dropping Keilie off at zero hour on Tuesday, I walked in to hear this conversation.

Brennon: "Since I made our lunches today, can I choose that we wear pants, not shorts today?"
Tyson: "Yes.  What shirts do we have clean that match?"
Brennon: "Our Game On shirts are clean."
Tyson: "Kay.  I'll see if we have matching socks that are clean, too."

My Tuesday Twins

Matching haircuts, grins, shirts, pants, socks, and lunches.  I love that they love to match!

Molars

I recently heard that a friend and her mother lost the same tooth, a crown even, on the same day in two different states.  My story is not as coincidental, but it was a weird experience.

All four of the kids had dentist appointments yesterday.  Before we'd left the house, Tyson told me that he had a loose tooth.  I told him we'd mention it to the dentist, but it wouldn't matter too much while he was actually there.  When the dentist asked Tyson to show him which tooth was loose, he wiggled a different one than the one he showed me earlier.  Confused, I told Tyson to show him the one he'd shown me.  Sadly, like Brennon, if his incisors do not come out, giving the permanent teeth an open path in his overcrowded lower jaw, it will cause unnecessary damage as more teeth come in anywhere they can push through.  He's got to have them pulled.  And they're not any that are currently loose.

Brennon is still having some pretty severe teeth problems, including one that is not growing up, and if left unchecked would grow out of the side of his cheek.  When looking at his profile, there is a perfect circle (the top of the tooth) where roots should be.  It's as if the roots begin where the tongue rests and is actually growing on its side sideways.  We're being referred to a pediatric facial surgeon.  Not to mention the two back molars that are fused to the jaw, unable to grow...

Just before the dentist allowed Brennon to get up from the chair, he said he wanted to check just one more thing.  While touching each tooth with his pick, he said one of Brennon's teeth looked broken.  Brennon had never said a word about it.  The dentist said that the damage was so gradual, he didn't expect Brennon to even notice.  The permanent tooth that came in behind actualyl pressed so hard on the tooth as it came through that it actually broke the tooth over time.  It was loose and needed to come out, since it could more easily cause problems being broken.  We made an appointment to have it "wiggled," telling Brennon that he needed to try getting it out before that appointment.

As we got into the car, I told Brennon that since it would cost us more than $100 to have the dentist wiggle the tooth, I'd give him $50 if he got it out before then.  Incentive that saves us money!  "Dang it!  I wish Dad were here.  He'd pull it out today with pliers!"

After school, Shelby walked in the door, ecstatic.  "MOM, I pulled a tooth out while at school!!"  I kid you not, there was absolutely NO TALK of Shelby having any loose teeth.  "Yeah, I was pushing on my gum and it just got wiggly, so I yanked it out!"  So nonchalant.  Sure enough, there was a massive hole in her gum.  I was stunned.  She said it wasn't loose before she pushed on it.  And believe me, the hole in her gum is evidence.

While I was picking up Keilie from Mutual, Tyson called, shocked.  "MOM, Brennon just pulled out his tooth!"  WHAT?!?!

Brennon: "Mom!  Tyson reminded me that I needed to start working on the tooth.  I just had to push one time and it pushed it back toward my tongue!  I didn't feel anything, so I went to look in the mirror.  And mom, it just fell out.  It didn't even hurt one bit!  I rinsed my mouth like 10 times and the blood stopped."

Why didn't I just keep my big mouth shut?!  Easiest money Brennon ever made.  Biggest waste of money I ever threw away.  It didn't look that loose when the dentist looked at it-- obviously, since he told us that we needed to make an appointment for a wiggle!  I thought it would take days and days of wiggling and work.  And because it is Brennon, he'd work on it until he could almost blow it out with one big breath.  One push and no pain!!  Honestly...

And just like that, these two both lost a molar!  This isn't the first time that we have incentivized our kids to get a tooth out (although never with $50, admittedly) and Shelby's yanked one out on the same day.  Poor thing-- "That kind of sucks.  I only get $1.00."  The poor thing.

Randy's Day!

 Happy Birthday to the man of my dreams, my Mister, Randy Arthur Dirks!!!

 This picture of the kids singing to their Dad melts me.  Look at all of that love rolled into one song.

(I just have to comment on Tyson's hair.  His last haircut was a flop, I don't know how I missed it before we walked out of the salon, but it makes me smile sometimes when I see it like this.  It's so little boy, so charming.)

Enjoy Lincoln City, Love!

Birthdays do not disqualifying you from work that calls you away from home, so we celebrated with Randy's favorite birthday "cake" for breakfast before he got on the road: Banana Cream Pie.  I wish that were an acceptable, healthy breakfast choice always-- delicious!!!

Happy 41st Birthday, Randy!!!

Flowers?

I was doing so well.  My energy was back, my emotions were stable, all was looking like this week would bring me back to the upward climb of healing.  And then I drove into the cemetery after dropping Keilie off at zero hour this morning.  Caden's floral arrangement has been removed.

You know those moments where you turn your focus for just one tiny second and your toddler bolts and hides in a massive store?  Those moments where your heart burns in your chest, your fear spikes to feel like acid coursing through your veins, and your mind starts racing through clothing colors, height and weight, most recent pictures, the worst possible scenarios, while you pray frantically to find them safe, and soon?  That's what it felt like when I drove up to find the flowers gone.  I half-haphazardly parked the car in the middle of the road, much farther than I normally park, and stumbled/ran forward on numb, shaking legs, certain I was mistaken and that I would somehow find them the closer I came to his grave.  At the sight of his name "Caden Randy Dirks," I fell to the ground, dead inside.  The weakness came all at once, along with wracking sobs.  Why?  Why can't I keep them?

I was mistaken.  I had assumed that "Cut Flowers Only April-September" meant that the flowers at each grave had to be placed within the vase, as if they were cut.  If I had known, I would have taken the flowers with the solar light on March 30th, mentally and emotionally prepared for the sight of his bare headstone atop the dead grass.  Instead, I was slapped with it today, totally unsuspecting.  The stone looks colder, his grave more solemn.  In truth, Caden's memorial looks dead.

As I was looking around for evidence of any other artificial flowers, my eyes lit on every single flower within sight.  They were either very real, or very dead.  It was the dead flowers, hanging limp and black over the vases that felt like a bullet in my heart.  How can it be preferable to only accept real flowers that will DIE and WITHER and BLACKEN, yet not accept artificial flowers, chosen with careful consideration as a tie between home and grave, that will stay bright and beautiful for possibly the entire upcoming season?!

I feel exactly as I did last week.  I'm carrying a boulder that makes me feel heavy and weak, I'm swallowing a constant lump, sniffing the tickle at the back of my nose while fighting back tears.  Why?!  WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!?!?!?

It hurts so much.

I am not strong enough for this. 

Where the heck are my flowers with the matching bow adorning my wreath?! 

Not one days has gone by in the last six months where his grave has not been decorated.  It was one thing I had planned to always have, something to say, "this remarkable child is not forgotten, will never be forgotten."  I have ideas for other arrangements, especially one for his birthday in just 28 days that I had planned to adorn his grave the entire month of May.  But it is not allowed.  And I hate them for it.

I doubt I will look back at this grave stuff in any form of the future and think, "Yeah, that was kind of ridiculous," because it hurts so much, too much for it to be anything but real.  It is so raw, so cutting, it truly feels as if I am bleeding out.  I have so little that I can do for my son anymore.  And they took that from me too.

UPDATE:
Here's the thing:  I get it, I really do.  I understand why they do not allow artificial flowers between April and September.

Backstory:
A few weeks ago, Jamie and I did a post for Momdot of her making a wreath.  We'd made one the day before, so she had compiled all of the same tools from the previous wreath for the one we were making on that day.  However, when she went to cut the first sprig of eucalyptus, the wire cutters she had were not strong enough.  She went in search of some pruning shears Cameron had purchased a few days before.  Those did not work either.  I went home to grab the heavy duty wire cutters Randy purchased a few months ago.  As I was walking out of the garage, my eyes flitted across the massive bolt cutters that Randy acquired a few years ago.  As a joke, I walked up to her door with only the bolt cutters visible.

Surprisingly, my heavy duty wire cutters did the trick, but it was HARD.  So, jokingly we used the bolt cutters.  We laughed and laughed as she held up the eucalyptus stem, grabbed all of the sprigs together, positioned the ends of the leaves on one side of the "jaws," as I positioned the massive bolt cutters- heavy in both hands- and cut.  Even then, she needed to kind of loosen each plastic stem, bending and twisting the creased wire to actually break.  What was a complete joke turned out the be exactly what we needed.  Those eucalyptus stems were SERIOUS!

I can appreciate that if an arrangement had wire like that, possibly in bunches as all of mine have been, and for whatever reason they came out of the vase, the mower blades could actually be damaged.  I can understand that they can't necessarily have a scenario where they screen the artificial arrangements that come in, since some people do not follow the rules as completely as I like to.  I get it.  I understand it.  I even agree, to an extent.  But it does not make it easier.  If anything, the entire situation is so emotionally charged, I do not think any aspect could ever really be classified as "easy."  While we feel as if we were lead to his actual grave site, while we got everything arranged in a very orderly manner, while we feel that we and Caden were treated with the utmost care and concern-- nothing about it felt easy, because of the absolute horror of what we were experiencing.  Oh my gosh, my son died!

Randy reached out to our cemetery guy, asking if there was a possibility that they had my flowers.  "Yes, sir.  We label them and keep them in a room in the basement.  Describe them for me and I'll check for you right now."  Randy handed the phone to me, telling me to describe them.  I did, but it was seriously hard, tears streaming down my face.  Not because I couldn't describe the actual flowers themselves, but because I was terrified to hope.  It is still so hard for me to look forward to, to hope for those things that are not eternally significant (I have complete hope that I will see my son and Savior again-- that is not hard for me at all!), because it hurts so, so, so much when it doesn't work out.  Anything Caden related is the hardest of all to hope for.

"Randy, I found them.  They're here in the office."

As soon as I saw the ribbon, I burst into tears.  There it is, the tie from grave to home.  But it soon became apparent that one of the bunches of flowers was missing.  When placing it in the vase, I hadn't secured the bunches together.  I'd placed them both in the vase, arranged them how I liked them, and the shoved like 30 plastic grocery bags into the crevices and spaces, until those bunches could not move an inch.  They were NOT going anywhere, as evidence of their solid state during the many wind storms (Casper size wind storms!).

 We went to Joanne's to see if I could find another bunch so that I could display the arrangement on my kitchen table.  They didn't have any more.  I purchased the last two when I made this-- maybe they hadn't ordered any more.  I walked out, crying, thinking, "Of course!"

 But then it hit me-- how appropriate that one half of this arrangement was left at the cemetery, since it feels as if that's where half of my thoughts, my heart, my life currently belongs.

 And so I am leaving it like this, with the constant reminder of Caden, yes, but also what was lost and mourned at the grounds of that beautiful Garden.

This has really affected me.  I cried off-and-on the entire day.  I went to sleep crying.  I logically know that in the Eternal grand scheme of things, this does. not. matter.  But emotionally, it really did feel as significant as those times where I had to watch them administer chemo or place a feeding tube.  I understood why they were doing it, but I hated them for it.  I followed along as an active participant, but it changed me somewhere within my core.  I didn't have a choice.  Not really.  "Life was writing me in italics."

Sickness

During Sacrament meeting last week, my heart started beating so fast, so hard, that I thought I was going to pass out.  I had felt a little off as I was getting ready, but it was during Sacrament meeting that it really started to feel wrong.  For all intents and purposes it was an anxiety attack, but I know anxiety and this was not the same.  This should tell you how sick I felt-- I left directly after taking the Sacrament, giving notes to my helpers in Nursery and a note to the Primary President asking her to find a replacement for me, I was going home sick.  I do not like leaving people in a bind, and most especially do not like missing a week with my "babies."  I came home and slept.

My sickness lasted until Friday night.  I felt like I was carrying around a massive boulder everywhere, completely sleep tired and physically exhausted.  It got to the point that I couldn't even raise my arms to wash my hair.  I do not like feeling that weak.  For weeks I have pushed my body to walk miles and miles each day (some could say I am running from my problems, but it is the only way I can cope, the only way I am surviving the feeling to run-- I just walk), working out on many different machines and in many different classes at the gym, working from sunup to sundown.  I reveled in the emails from Fitbit telling me that I had hundred of Floors and more than 140,000 steps each week.  But this week, I barely made it off of the couch or out of bed.  It made me emotional.  More emotional that I already am.

Friday was the worst of it.  I woke and did a few chores around the house, but could barely fill the dishwasher without taking rests every few minutes.  I went to lie down for a few minutes... and woke seven hours later.  It was such a relief to feel SO MUCH better.  All the rest of the night, I kept taking stock of myself and realizing how great it feels to feel well.  While I don't feel as strong as I'd like, I felt physically and emotionally much improved.  I went to bed at normal time and woke late on Saturday morning.  Sleep is wonderful.

Bringing up how much better I felt again yesterday, Randy said that he couldn't help the thought that I was mortally sick, that I may even have cancer, since it is most likely through my bloodline that cancer comes through.  It was the first time I think I've seen some of my own thoughts reflected in Randy, some of my own anxieties understood in him through experience not just words.  No longer is a fever just a fever, a weakness just a weakness-- it must be something more.  Because we know how it feels to be blindsighted.  We know how it feels to think it is something tiny, something curable, something "normal" and then watch a life slip through your grasp with nothing to do but watch.  My gosh, will our lives ever be "normal?" It sure doesn't feel like it yet.

Proposaversary

18 years ago today, Randy asked me to marry him.  It continues to be the absolute best decision of my life, saying Yes to that man.  Our lives are truly a fairy tale.  The girl is swept off her feet by the handsome, charming Prince, becoming the most cherished Queen in all the land.  I really am the luckiest girl in the world.  We celebrated our Proposaversary with grocery shopping and Krispy Kreme:)  Perfect!

Window Watcher

I love when I catch her watching out the window.  She watches for the cat from the front window, and the quail from the dining room.

Once she sees the quail running across the street, she'll race to the front window to watch them.  Then it's back to the dining room to wait for their return.

 It's pretty cute.  We are so blessed.

Losing

I came out of my room this morning to a vehement, screaming, sobbing Shelby.  Through tears, she screamed at Brennon and Tyson, "You guys just don't get it, this is the worst year of my whole life!  My best friend is moving to Idaho and my brother DIED!  I'm losing all of my friends!," and slammed her door, screaming and wailing.  The way she said "died" tore at me.  She has always been so angry about cancer, so brutal in her reactions, that to hear her say it was so much agony and resignation made it so much harder to witness.  I was the one that wanted to punch and kick and scream.  My Shelby has always had a hard time keeping friends.  Yes, we've moved a great deal and she's changed schools many different times in her short life, but she also can be a moody, brooding, wild child.  Can you blame her for some of her manic unpredictability?  Think of all she's known and dealt with-- she was in Kindergarten when her mom left unexpectedly with her brother, and all that has followed since.  Isabella has been a security for her... and now she's leaving when perhaps Shelby needs her the most.  My poor Shelby.  Her trials are hard.  Have been hard for a very long time. 

Update:  I just talked with Isabella's mom-- they are not moving.  Shelby burst into tears.  I understand her.  I am just as relieved as she!

Spring Break- Days 2&3

Spring Break 2018

Sunday, April 1st and Monday, April 2nd

It was so nice to watch General Conference in the place of my childhood, with my parents.  I have so many memories of watching conference in that basement, lounging in jammies, and even having a tickle train with Ashlee.  If you remember, Ashlee is the world's best tickler, so I was missing that aspect of General Conference, to be sure.  I love that Mira made herself comfortable next to my Dad.

Isn't she so adorable?

Between the 10:00am and 2:00pm session, we got to have a little party with Brooke and Danielle, and their families.  We missed Ashlee, but we had a seriously fun time with those that were there.  We had a delicious Easter lunch of Dutch Oven Ham, Funeral Potatoes, Salad, and King's Hawaiian Rolls.  They were all so good to host us-- we didn't have to contribute anything.  Except our awesomness, of course.  And then it was time for the 211 egg Easter Egg Hunt!

I got good pictures of all of the kids, but I don't want to show their faces, because they're not mine.

 Audrey (2.75)

 Drew (1.25)

   Kenyan (6 on May 3)

Payton (10)

 Keilie (14.5)

Shelby (11)

 Brennon (10) found the Golden Egg (although it's green)

Tyson (8)

We had such a great time.  Because Randy wanted to get on the road sooner, we left right after the Hunt, listening to the 2:00pm session in the car.  Oh My Goodness, the changes we heard while driving!  Exciting things are happening to Hasten the Work.

We arrived at Jackie and Darwin's with enough time to chat for a bit before bed.  It was special to see the decor they have in their home of the Boy in the Bed in Heaven.  I found myself staring, remembering, missing.  I loved every minute.

We woke Monday for some fun in Snow Canyon.  Since they've lived there for a few years, they took us to some of the favorite spots.  I love that!  We have so much pride in Richland, that when people come, we want to show them why we love it here.  I love experiencing places beloved to those I love.  Monday was a day of loves.

 We snapped a picture next to the prettiest backdrop.  I love the blue of the sky, the red of the earth, and the green of the tree.  Breathtaking views at every turn, for as long as the eye could see.

 At the entrance to the trail they wanted to take us, there was a sign-- No Dogs.  Mira was allowed on the bike/walking blacktop, but not on the trails.  The pictures below are of their vantage point.  The tiny people barely visible, waving up, with a dog on a leash, are Jackie, Mira, and me.

These are the views from my vantage point.

 Because it is already starting to heat up in St. George, the kids were already starting to sweat and complain after just one hike.  But I wanted to go to the top of at least one mountain, so we chose one close to our parked car, so that those that wanted to stay back had shade. Shelby, Tyson, and Randy made one more hike just for me.

 (The most beautiful view, if I do say so myself.  These cuties!)

 I love the swipes and stripes and layers of this beautiful red rock earth.  Gorgeous.

 The darker red is the trail the others took. 

 There was a little ravine at the top of our hike.  Tyson wanted to get in and see if he could "hide," while Shelby asked to jump over.  We captured this fun picture of them playing.

I love that there is green growing in the cracks.  The colors were so stark and gorgeous.  Life really can grow, strong and beautiful, even in the harshest, most unlikely conditions.

To cool off before our next adventure, we stopped for some ice cream.  Don't mind my chewed fingernails and stumpy fingers, I just wanted something to compare the size of my MINI shake to.

 We stopped to see the blooming flowers around the Temple, and of course, to snap a family picture.

 The first completed Temple in Utah.  It was fun hearing that a Temple was to be constructed in Layton, Utah, just 15 minutes from where I grew up.  Exciting stuff is happening in the Church!

For our last activity before our buffet dinner and travels to Las Vegas, we went to the Slot Canyons.

We all started into the Canyon, but once it got to a certain point, Brennon turned back first.  "Nope, not gonna do that!," so I turned back with him.  Randy went as far as he could, but ultimately had to turn back.  Shelby, like Brennon, just didn't have a desire, so she turned back as well.  As we exited where had had entered, it hit me-- that left Keilie and Tyson to come out where they did.  My heart started to really pound, worried they'd get lost, or hurt, or scared, or die (you know how my mind worries), and I wasn't anywhere near them.  I basically started running up the mountain, to find out where the trail let out.

 This was the first sight I could see at the top.  They were NOWHERE to be seen.  I almost started to cry, my anxiety was so piqued.  And then I caught sight of them...

 RELIEF!!!  And then scared again.  How were they going to make it to us?  Below, look for them under that cool puffy, round cloud.  That was how far away they were.

Without me there to tell them no, they got a bit adventurous, going out on cliff edges that I would have been frantically telling them to get away from.  But they made it.  We all survived.  I slept well that night.

I was really proud of Brennon here.  He walked as close to the edge as he dared.  At Time Out For Women a few years ago, we heard from a woman that is now in a wheelchair because she was jumping along red rocks, like these, and didn't judge the distance correct and ended up falling from a cliff that should have killed her.  I didn't judge her, only didn't understand that you can't really judge depth and distance of red rock until this day.

 Brennon is actually sitting on a cliff that would take him down as far as the cars in the parking lot.  In both, you can't even tell.  Had he been running, jumping from rock to rock with abandon, I could easily see how he could misjudge the scenes in front of him.  It was a learning experience, for sure.

My Brennon may not have been "brave" enough to go through the clausterphobic slot canyon, but he made it to the top of the world on this day.  *Don't you love the clouds?!*

Shelby was climbing all over, I think, wishing she would have gone with Keilie and Tyson.  Especially when they had to literally jump to get to us.

When they asked if they could jump, instead of taking a route along the back of where Randy is standing, Randy said yes just as I said no.  I had been trying to take a picture of Randy when I caught this of Tyson-- he jumped the second Randy said yes.  No fear, no hesitation, he just jumped.  Randy actually stared down at me, I'm sure thinking, "Did that really just happen?," since he really hadn't meant the yes, didn't think they actually would.  His horror mirrored my own!!!  So, naturally, Keilie had to do it, since Tyson, her baby brother, just did it.

Yeah.  It happened.

Not far was a short hike to what is known as Pioneer House, or something like that.  It's a cave that has places carved with evidence that shelves had been hung, a stoned in entrance to the cave to make an actual door, and a really neat chimney/stove that can been that can be looked down from above.

 Because the sun is shining so bright, you can't see Brennon looking down at me.  He couldn't see us at first, either.  It was pretty cool.  The views from the "front door" were spectacular-- I can see why someone would want that for their home in the days of Pioneer settlement.  Again, I was struck by the formation of the rocks, the layers and textures.  I love the red rock of Southern Utah almost as much as I love the Rocky Mountains of my childhood.  Utah really is a beautiful state in all climates.

 While I am disgusted at the graffiti, it was exciting for Tyson to find his name scratched out on the short hike.

After a delicious dinner at Chuck-A-Rama (much better than the buffet places we've banned here in Richland), we headed to Las Vegas in time for some sights on the Strip.  Making sure to counsel the kids on the filth that we were driving into, yet wanting them to experience the wonders of the destination location, we hoped that we hadn't made a huge mistake in choosing Las Vegas as an attraction.  We were pleasantly SURPRISED to see that it was MUCH cleaner than expected.  We didn't see scantily clad women, didn't have people trying to shove pornographic stuff into our hands, and only saw two advertisements that we told our kids to look on the other side of the road/sidewalk.  I'm not sure if it was because it was Monday and Tuesday, or if they've cleaned it up for real, but I couldn't be more happy with how it turned out for us!

 Our view directly out of our hotel entrance.  We stayed at the Hilton Tropicanna.  Two rooms, two nights, for FREE with Randy's points.  One benefit of not being able to travel much during cancer care.

 We walked the 2+ miles to see the water show at the Belagio.  We weren't able to squeeze into the center, but we still got a great view of the whole show.  It was really neat watching something that is a must-see in Vegas just one hour after our arrival.  It was almost like it made Vegas "real."

 Snapshots of our walk back to our hotel.  It was fun telling the kids they could tell their friends they'd seen attractions of both New York and Paris, without having to fly.

With the letdown of anxiety about pornography sightings, our safe arrival, and our jam-packed day of FUN, we were all pretty tired when we returned back to our hotel  Not one complaint that it was "not their bedtime," (remember, they can't go to bed until the clock actually says their bedtime) because of the time changes between Utah and Vegas (even thought Vegas is our HOME time zone).

I'm just going to say that as I closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to make my mind go black, I remembered that very night, six months before, when I slept on the floor of my room to be as close to Caden as possible, not knowing, or even imagining, that it would be the last of his life.  My prescription sleep aid helped me sleep through till morning, without a single tear being shed in sorrowed remembrance.