Light

The cemetery where Caden's is buried is also called a Garden.  Because of this, during the months of April through September, they ask that you have "cut flowers" only, meaning no potted plants set on the grave site, no extra decorations such as little fences around the marker, or wreaths around the vases, or solar lights...

Because we have plans for Saturday that start super early in the morning, and wanting to follow the rules completely, I had to take the light off today.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I was unprepared for just how hard.  It was never meant "for" Caden, but for me.  I just couldn't stand the thought of all that dark surrounding him, both in the ground, and on the grounds of the cemetery after dark.  Ridiculous as that may sound, it's how it feels.  It means nothing for him, nothing to him, but everything to me.

(February 24, 2018)

I had taken a pair of pliers, just in case, but ended up not even needing much strength to pull it out.  The fresh sand around the headstone made it really easy.  And that made it so much harder in my mind.  I burst into wracking sobs.  Six months.  It's already been six month.  The ground around his headstone is still so soft, pulling a stake from it is like pulling a hot knife from butter.  The grass placed above his battered, scarred and beautiful body is still dry and dead.  But it has a chance to come back again this year.  Caden does not.  I cried.  Oh, how I cried.

 When I finally composed myself enough to look through my wrinkled fingers, I noticed a teardrop on the shaft of the light.  "How fitting," I thought.  My tears watered the dead ground today.  It needs it.

 I still love the view from this heartbreaking spot.  Ducks and swans swim in the pond with the beautiful water feature.  It's no surprise why they call this cemetery a Garden-- it really is a beautiful place.  Perfect for a beautiful boy that was taken much too soon.

(March 30, 2018)

Some could look at this picture and think, "It's not that different.  It's only a tiny light."  But it's not a small thing, not really, not to me.  It feels like it's my heart.  Six months.  How, how can that be possible?!  My son is not coming back.

It will now light the way to our home, until I can place it back in it's proper placement on the one year anniversary.  Today is one of those days that I don't know how I can live without adequate breath in my lungs, how my heart can pump when it is a boulder in lava, how I can function at home when my mind is in Heaven.  Caden.  Caden.  Caden.

Sliver

Shelby and Tyson came home with old, worn bamboo shoots on Tuesday, waving them around like swords.  It was all fun and games, until Tyson parried an attack from Shelby and smacked into a picture, knocking it off my gallery wall.  I told them to take their shoots to the yard waste garbage cans outside.  That wasn't enough for Tyson, though, he wanted to play with it a while longer.  About ten minutes later, he came inside, inspecting his finger.

"Mom, I was just throwing it on the cement and it just broke open and gave me a splinter!"  You could tell he was confused that the simple act could produce that particular end result.  It was like he was searching his memory to be sure he was remembering the scene correctly.

Since he had Scouts in 10 minutes (Yes, I told him he needed to get his uniform on.  No, it was not on yet... because he was distracted) I told him that I'd have to help him get the sliver out when he got home.

When he got home, I was proud of myself for remembering that we still had some numbing cream from Caden's medical stuff.  I put some on the finger, covered it with a bandaid, and prolonged the "surgery" for an hour.  When the timer rang out, Tyson practically sprinted to the bathroom to get the tools.  That single act had me getting a bit queasy-- I was going to have to pull out that sliver!!!

When we sat down, I lightly touched the needle to Tyson's finger.  "Can you feel that?"  Thinking, "Kind of, I guess."  And I saw my chance.  "Tyson, I'm not very good at getting these out without hurting you too much.  Could we wait for your dad to get home?"  He said yes, clearly not wanting me to hurt him.  It just seemed so weak to admit to him that I was ready to pass out at the thought of pulling that sliver out.

Randy will be home today.  Tyson couldn't wait another minute last night.  I saw no way around it-- I had to tell him the real reason I couldn't do it.  Bless her, Keilie offered to get it out for him-- pain-free.  They went into the bathroom while I sat on the computer chair, fretting.  I admit it publicly:

I AM A WEAKLING!!!

Five minutes later, Tyson walked out looking relieved; Keilie triumphant.

Look at me providing teaching moments for my kids!  Tyson learned to trust in Keilie; Keilie learned to trust in herself.  Guess it was a Good Mom moment after all.

Sharing

It broke my heart a few months ago when my boys told me that they wanted their own rooms.  Growing up, one of my fondest memories was sharing a room, talking till all hours, and even playing games of truth-or-dare where we dared one another to do things downstairs without our parents finding out.  Fun, fun memories.  Oh, my gosh, don't even get me started.  There was this one time that Ashlee dared me to sneak downstairs and ring the doorbell.  I did.  Ninja, I tell you.  My dad probably allowed us to think we were that cleaver and funny, but he came up and asked if we'd heard anything.  Feigned innocence:  "NNNOOOOO, we didn't hear anything!"  {Stifling giggles}

Brennon and Tyson have shared a room as long as we've been in Richland.  Tyson's whole remembered life, even.  Brennon's, too, probably.  For years, they even shared a double bed bottom bunk.  When we moved into our last house was the first time they had their own twin beds, but still shared a room.  When Caden was gone, the kids realized they could all have their own room, so they did.  It was harder to have the boys separate than it was to give Shelby Caden's room.

Last week the boys both commented that they wished shared a room again.  Since we still have the bunk bed, with Brennon using the double bed bottom bunk by himself, I suggested that Tyson just try sleeping on the top bunk.  He's chosen to sleep there every night since.  Once again I find myself yelling up the stairs for them to "stop talking, and go to sleep," but I don't really mind.  My heart goes to bed happy hearing their talking, laughing, and quiet reminders that they need to be quiet.  And then start talking again.  There is something so magical about siblings that get along and want to share stories well into the night.

Work

I can't believe how busy I've been with Momdot!  It hasn't been too much, and has mostly been kind of fun.  I'm really enjoying it so far.  Like this blog's beginning, it started with Randy's ideas and turned into so much more. 

I knew he and Spencer had been looking at doing something together for some time.  About a month before they signed contracts with Trisha, Randy told me that it was going to happen.  I was happy for him 1) because he'd been looking for something like this for a very long time, 2) because Spencer knows all about it and could teach him, and 3) because I wasn't the one that he'd pass ideas by.  At one point he said, "Spencer wants to have his employee do most of the work."  I was pleased with the whole thing.

A day before they signed, Randy told me that they'd use my likeness for the blog, since I'm an actual mom and woman.  It felt weird knowing that my pictures would be put to someone else's words and work.  Since Spencer's wife Brittany didn't want her picture used, I said OK.  But it did feel weird.  That was what my contribution to the website would be. 

Then Randy said that maybe I'd like to do some editing.  "Reading through to find errors and such."  I said sure, since it wasn't as if I had to be exact for book publishing, or something similarly "important."  A toe dipped in the lake.

"So, we're kind of hoping that some day you'll want to take over some of the posts.  You know, recipes and your thoughts."  I wasn't excited about it, but I wasn't opposed to the idea either.  It was just an idea, after all.

Then comes signing day.  What a great day that was-- Randy was on cloud nine.  I'm seriously proud, and a bit astounded, really, at how he can fit so much into his days.  He carries on a full-time job, still travels when he needs to (more than he did for a few months during our fight months there at the end), spends times with us, and now is taking over and learning a new trade.  He is such a hard worker, such a great provider, such a great man.

The next day, Spencer came to our house to talk shop.  While walking around, doing my thing, I hear more and more, "I'm sure Steph could do that."  Suddenly, I'm rewriting and editing some of Trisha's work, I'm in charge of Pinterest, possibly doing Instagram and Facebook posts, some day be "manager" over some of the employees and virtual assistants, possibly getting to the point of writing new content.  If I am being completely honest, I wanted to run.  I wanted to pout and say, "Remember when you said it would mostly be you, Spencer, and his employee, Jason?"  But I kept my mouth shut and just got started on what I could.  Slowly, I came around.  And got excited.

Last week, I packed up my baking cupboard, bought a few staging items from Target, and drove up to Ashlee's house for a fun, 24- hour bake off.  I admit, I was freaking scared to make that drive alone, seeing as I was such a mess the last time.  Without the need to stifle my cries, I let it out and just drove.  I must have looked like a maniac from Issaquah to Marysville, with many landmarks making me break down and sob again, but it was a very freeing drive.  I arrived at Ashlee's refreshed and feeling better about Seattle.  I still hate it, but not as vehemently.  I'm not sure I'll ever come around to liking it, really.

In one week I've made 11 difference recipes, written 4 articles, taken more than 700 pictures, including two wreath projects made by Jamie, edited 11 existing articles (over the course of the three weeks we've owned it now), with plans to write the remaining 9 posts (one is not a recipe), and cook/bake more.  One article was actually a paid gig from Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise.  They sent me a recipe, asking that I give it a review.  It will be posted on the website soon!  It has been fun.  And stressful!  But more fun.

It's interesting to me how much work goes into this one "project."  I love that Ashlee and I have plans to do more cook/craft offs.  I love that Danielle has taken over Instagram and Facebook.  I love that Jamie gets to write articles showcasing her mad sewing skills.  I love that Kimberly gets to flex her wicked graphic design skills editing and creating images from my work.  So many women get to stay home, yet make money, all thanks to one "project."  Not to mention the woman that is going to take over Pinterest for me (there is a side of Pinterest that I don't know, and have no desire to learn.  Ever), the graphic designers in the Philippines that Spencer hired to create new images of old content, or the work that Spencer, Randy, and Jason are doing behind the scenes on logistics (although, they're not stay-at-home women!).  It's a whole new world, that's for sure.

Here is a sample of some of the work so far, even if some of it hasn't been published yet.

 (posting next week)

 (Instant Pot Boiled Eggs)

These are my own recipes, showcased by Kimberly's work, posted on Social Media by Danielle.  Awesome!

While I do find myself at the computer more than I ever have been, even with all of my personal blogging over the years, I don't mind as much as I thought I would.  Yes, it's more work than was presented to me, but like this blog-- I'm loving it more and more the more I do it.

Here comes that advertisement schpeal:  If you think you'd like to do this, if you like to take hundred of pictures of a meal/craft/dessert you make and write detailed how-to's, if you like to write parenting articles, you should submit them for review {here}.   I happen to know that we'd love original, relevant content, bursting with lots of pictures.

I'm grateful for this new challenge.  I'm grateful I don't have to work.  I'm grateful I can do what I want, when I want, or not at all.  There are days that I don't do anything but walk around the neighborhood, mindlessly trying to outrun my sorrow, other's I spend as much time as I can fitting Momdot in between laundry, dishes, and meal prep (without pictures) and walking.  Life is just as busy as it was during cancer care, more so in some cases, but that doesn't mean it's bad.  It's just different than I thought it would be.  And maybe that's just fine for now.  I need all of the distractions I can get.  Especially as we come closer to six months in just 8 days...

Today!

 "I'm going to do this for Crazy Hair Day."

 "When is Crazy Hair Day?"

"I don't know!"

Apparently, it's today...

Ensign Ranch-- Take 2

We had so much fun at Ensign Ranch.  I can't necessarily say it was more fun than last time, but a different kind of fun.  We left directly after the kids got home from school, planning to stop in Ellensburg (I thought we'd go to the AMAZING Brazilian place again, but we needed to hurry for check-in, so Arby's and McDonald's it was) for dinner, listening to Bridge to Terabithia the whole drive.

Wanting to try out a different cabin, we decided to try Cabin 10.  Right away, I knew it would be the favorite of the three we've used.  Ashlee and Russ had Cabin 7, while we had Cabin 8 last time.  They're all pretty much the same design, but there were small differences between them that made Cabin 10 loved just a bit more.  The first difference was seen before we even got out of the car: Parking.

It had a really great circular drive, a pull-through that made it really easy to pull up and backup to our cabin.  There were also some porta-potties on the other side of the driveway from the cabin (look for the red to the right of the picture).  Some may not think that's great, but we love having them closer for the middle-of-the-night trips our kids inevitably need.  Plus, they didn't stink.  So, there's that.

Once we got inside, I wondered if I was going to like it.  They layout was different, with the kitchenette on the other side of the "front room" and the two halves of the tables split across the room.  That was really weird.

 (View from the stairs)

But once we put the two halves together, I was in love.  One of the things we didn't like about Cabin 7 and 8 was that when the tables were put together, they were on the side without the light.  With the kitchenette on the opposite side, our table had light.  Perfect for playing games!  And, oh, did we play!

(View from the bedroom)

While Randy and I unpacked and started the fire, the kids explored the grounds (seeing as it wasn't as cold as last time), finding an abandoned, upturned bus...

(Went back the next day to take pictures, hence the skiff of snow not present in the above pictures)

and making a teepee...

Once we finished up, we took 10 minutes as a family cleaning up garbage around our cabin.  With the melting of the snow, items were scattered around that had either been blown or left long ago, once covered, so we took time to clean.  With my eyes to the ground, I hit the jackpot!

Four quarters to share with the four kids that didn't complain once about cleaning up someone else's garbage while on vacation.

And then it was time to PLAY!  I honestly do not know how it happened, but time went so fast without a single argument, that when we checked the time and found it to be 9:45pm, I was STUNNED!  We snacked, we played, we laughed, we made memories next to a glowing fire with woods and love surrounding and enveloping us.  Magic!

We cleaned up our games and headed to bed, warm and happy in our covers.  Sleeping Bags-- novel idea!

It's hard to see in the picture below (Shelby took the picture, I didn't want anywhere near!), but we found a new friend when we woke, stuck fast to the trap: A mouse.  It made me queasy and a bit skitty, made Shelby scream and jump on the table, made Keilie wail with tender emotions for the "poor little thing!"

When we told Keilie that she could try and set it free OUTSIDE, Tyson jumped at the chance to help.  Armed with gloves, Tyson pulled the mouse off of the STICKY trap!  And I mean PULLED!

 *Side note: We're pretty sure legs were broken in the pulling.  He wonders, but we pretty much know.*  

He had NO FEAR!  Not even when the actual mouse was stuck to the glove, and he had to pull it off of his glove with the same force as pulling it off of the trap.  Those sticky traps mean business.

 Keilie was kind of challenged into holding it.  "You wouldn't have done what Tyson did!"  It took her a bit to pluck up the courage, but she eventually did.  I stayed in the cabin, cleaning, with the door closed.  And locked.

She would have brought it home, should she be so lucky.  The answer was/is/will always be a resounding NO.  Forever.  Don't even ask.

The Sister Missionary came to thank me for the note I left after our debacle last time.  She thanked me!  She and her husband had been asked to speak in church the next week on Compassion and Joy.  It struck her that our stay gave them an example of both: Compassion for this family of six that left their sleeping bags at home in 30 degree weather, and Joy to be thanked in such a way.  She teared up telling me about it, saying she even held up the note for all to see, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Maybe our leaving our sleeping bags was a blessing.  Heavenly Father knew we'd be OK, and we were.  If anyone has learned to laugh in the face of hardship and disappointment, it's us.  He gave her a very poignant example the very week of her talk.  We were both blessed by the experience.

But we took sleeping bags this time, you better believe it. 

Sleeping Bags

It has been such a busy week, I have SO MUCH to catch up on.  It will have to wait, because we're packing for another over-nighter at Ensign Ranch.  First thing we packed?  Nourishment and Water Sleeping bags.  I don't think we'll ever let ourselves live that one down, it's too funny!  It feels good to laugh.

***

As I was typing, Randy walked in with a letter from the District.  Compared to other students across the nation that are 8 years and 4 months old, Tyson is in the top 3%.  Astounding!  I feel surprised, but not so surprised, if that makes sense.  I knew he was bright, but top 3% of the nation?!?!  That brilliant boy! 

Sneaky Magical Moment

Does it get any cuter?!

Bobcat

Tyson earned his Bobcat Scout award tonight.

Go, Tyson!!!

Fort Dirks

When the kids put their minds to something, they get serious.  Card table, three poles (paint stick, broom, and Swiffer mop), chairs, stools, and pretty much every blanket we own was used to make this palace.  Oh, and duct tape.  Lots and lots of duct tape.  Serious fort skills, I tell you.  Serious.

Anniversary

 One year ago today we moved into our home.  It still feels like a dream.  I LOVE this house!!!

Happy One Year Anniversary to us!

Mira's 3!

 Happy 3rd Birthday, Mira!!!

Learn

I had to have a talk with Tyson tonight about arrogance.  He's smack-dab in the middle of some testing and eligibility for the Highly Capable program, for which he is thrilled.  He really hopes to be accepted into the program, praying he's able to go to the Hi-Cap school within our district.  However, he has been pretty vocal with his siblings recently about how "he knows stuff, otherwise he wouldn't be testing right now."  I immediately nipped that one in the bud.  I explained the definition, gave some examples, and helped him understand what arrogance means, looks like, and feels like.  He apologized to Brennon.

We then talked about school and how the testing was coming along.  He finished all nine test today, although he's taken a few every day for a few days now.  We're just waiting for the results from the District; I know it will be a few weeks still.  I asked him if he was ever bored at school.  "Only when I think, 'I already know this!' all the time."  So I asked him, "Do you know the answers a lot?"  "Yes!" Said very matter-of-fact, yet also kind of annoyed with the fact.  Astounded at how his tiny brain works and seems to just know, I asked him how he had learned everything.  His answer leaves me speechless.

"You!  I learned a lot from you when you taught me in Preschool.  I learn a lot from you now."  He was looking me in the eye.

It's so far from the truth, but I don't know how to tell him.  I am in earnest when I say that I don't know how he does it.  Truly, he is so far advanced; more than any of our other kids at his age.  He's surpassing Shelby's (and incidentally, Brennon's) scores.  I don't help him with any homework-- he never has any.  I don't sit him down for extra work, just the two of us.  I don't really do much in the way of teaching, other than helping every once in a while on a difficult problem.  Even then, I defer to Randy if he's home, not wanting to research if I can't remember how to find the square root of an isosceles triangle, or whatever the heck they're learning in fourth and fifth grade.  But Tyson knows.  And I have no clue how he learned it.

If he looks back on these years as he's accepting his Nobel Peace Prize, remembering that I was some grand teacher, who am I to tell him the truth?

*I find it ironic that both "learned" and "learnt" are highlighted by Spell Check.  I don't know if I am grammatically correct in this post about learning.  I don't know which to use, actually.  I'd ask Tyson, but he's playing outside on this No School day.  I'm very interested in his Parent Teacher Conference in 40 minutes!

Braids

I have always loved getting my hair done.  I've always preferred it up and out of my face, hence my perpetual ponytail or messy bun (if you can even call it that).  Naturally, I thought my girls would feel the same.  But both of them took the same stand as soon as they turned three and could voice their preference: "No more.  I just want it down.  Straight down."  Goodbye piggies.  Goodbye bows and headbands.  The only time I get asked to do their hair is picture day or dances.  Or when I make them endure family pictures.  But that's not an "ask" situation, but a "demand, or else" kind.

I learned to braid my own hair when I was 14.  I spent hours trying the french braid and the dutch braid, finally finding that I love the raised look of the dutch more than the flat look of the french.  But it took time to first learn how on someone else, and then even more time training my mind and fingers to do my own.  I have always loved that I could do it on myself. 

It struck me the other day, as I was doing my hair, that I was Keilie's age when I learned.  She hasn't shown much interest in her hair, until a few weeks ago.  I've noticed subtle changes in her appearance, starting with a simple side braid she's been doing.  She's also been wearing a bit of mascara-- not a big change, but noticeable enough after never really caring about her appearance.    I wondered if she would start trying new braid styles soon, almost daydreaming of teaching her a few tips and tricks from my years and long-ago hours of practice.

All of that went out the widow tonight, though, when she came to me with a simple request, "Mom, will you braid my hair?"  And I thought, "Finally!  My daughter wants me to do her hair 'just because!'" 

Maybe I won't be so forthcoming with my tips and tricks after all.

Work

It has been almost two weeks since we bought our newest "business" venture: Momdot.com.  Many things have been happening behind the scenes.  I'm not involved in as much as you'd imagine, so it's weird seeing my face, pictures, and name on everything, especially since I haven't done any of the currently highlighted work.  Well, excepting some editing I've done on some of the posts. 

Slime is HUGE right now-- HUGE!  Trisha (the previous owner) has many, many different recipes for slime.  I have no desire to ever make slime, to ever have slime in my home, or even to contemplate whether I want to make St. Patrick's Day slime, fluffy slime, or even insane slime for the kids' end of the year School Store.  They ask me daily if we can order the supplies and get started.  And yet, my name and picture is on the comments, Contact Me, and About Me pages.  My kids are overjoyed about the whole arrangement, anxious for us to try new slime recipes to add, but I'm thinking I want to continue with her food recipes instead.  Because food I can do, slime I cannot.  No, thank you.  We have some ideas for new material.  I hope they are loved as much as we hope they'll be.

I have been given some assignments from the business partner that knows how to grow online websites.  26 assignments, to be exact.  And that's just the beginning.  It feels weird to have a job.  It feels weird to go to the computer to work, not just blog or cruise Pinterest for recipes, organization tips, or home decor ideas.  I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, actually.  It depends on the minute.  Like much of my life right now.  One minute it feels more like a chore, the next it feels amazing to be doing good work that is praised by a "boss."  It feels good to have numbers and quotas to meet, and to exceed them, which is what I've done for ten of the assignments.  It feels good to have ideas and put them into place, something I know will help grow the business, because I am a Mom.  It feels good to make a little money.

All-in-all, I think I like this business.  It's not a palpable business, something we can touch and "see," like a candle business (2002-2003) or rental houses (we wired her money, she emailed us logins and passwords-- done!), but I do like learning and trying new things.  I may have wished for this exact scenario at a time when my mind wasn't as bashed and beaten as it is now, or a time when my emotions weren't so mercurial, but sometimes we are lead to things we need, not want.  Like many things in our lives, we were lead to this amazing opportunity.  We are still being carried.  His timing is a bit different than ours, but you better believe I am going to give it my all.

Judge

I am wracked with shame and guilt.  I have done something that I have been warned against from Kindergarten, when I first learned to read:  I judged a book by its cover, and found it wanting.  For years I've heard about The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.  My thoughts were that the title was super weird, making it seem like a book that would be a waste of my time, and that the cover was lame and ugly.  I blatantly, defiantly did not read the book, even though it had been recommended to me many times.  Many times.  But I couldn't refuse any longer after a friend sent me the book for Free from Audible.  From the very first reader, I knew: It was going to be a beloved book.

There is something so charming and magical about the characters of the book, read by the most amazing actors.  They are my friends.  It is a Historical Fiction book, something that I have found over the years that I actually love.  I never cared for History in school, so again, I just judged it as a genre I wouldn't like.  I was wrong.  After reading Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet and loving it, I will never disparage Historical Fiction again.  After reading The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, twice now in four days, I will never judge a book by its cover, or title, again.

I am giving the recommendation with a resounding READ IT!  If you can, I would highly recommend listening to it.  The actors and the production of the book will leave you wishing for more time in the day to listen.  Even if you simply read it, the book will leave you wishing that the characters were real people that you could associate and be friends with, wishing you could visit Guernsey to meet and attend a Society Meeting, grateful you were not there from June 1940- June 1945.  I loved this book, despite the super weird title and the lame and ugly cover.  Such a good book!

Read It!

Seattle

We made our first trip to Seattle without Caden.  I felt anxiety and sorrow suffocating me from almost the moment we left  until we made it to Ashlee's.  I cried as hard as I've ever sobbed since he's been gone, silencing it as much as I could from the kids.  My head almost exploded from the pressure of it all.  I had a migraine through the night, leaving Ashlee's hours earlier than we planned to.  But it's done-- our first Seattle trip without Caden.  I wish Ashlee and Russ could move to Richland, so that I never had to make a trip North again.  I wouldn't, either.  I would be happy to never hear the word Seattle ever again.  I am sick of Seattle.  I hate Seattle.  I miss Caden.

Window Watcher

I love that Mira has a favorite spot.  I'm sure she has many, but this is one place you can see her at often.  She can sit here for hours, watching for her friend...

This cat taunts her daily.  It has come closer and closer to our house as the months have gone on.  On this morning, the cat had come onto our front porch, setting off the motion sensor.  Mira raced to her window, anxious for a glimpse of her buddy, who criss-crossed the yards at a leisurely pace.  She stayed here for an hour.  I timed it this morning, because I find it so funny.  And endearing.  I'm not sure what she'd do if she ever had the chance to "meet" this friend, but it's still fun seeing her watch out the window often.

I also love that she chose this spot to take Caden's shoe.  It was a Left Shoe Day.  Who knows, maybe she was showing Caden her friend.