Sunny

When we found the tumor in January 2016, I asked a friend whom she would recommend to take our family pictures.  Without hesitation, she recommended {Sunny}.  For the past year, this picture has been something that I have looked at often.  It has given me strength during some dark times.

With this new revelation, I wanted to update our picture once again, so I asked Sunny if she had time.  I understand that both sessions were during the dead season (it seems that we always have our cancer fights during the winter), but she has been able to work her magic to make them perfection once again.  These are in no particular order as to favorites, because, to be completely honest, I can't choose just one-- she is that good.

So, without further ado, I present the Randy and Stephanie Dirks' family.  Brought to you, courtesy of Sunny Wright Photography!

 Families Can Be Together Forever

Caden Randy- 15

Keilie Ann- 13

Shelby Jacquelyn- 10

Brennon Wayne- 9 TODAY!!!!!

Tyson Darwin- 7

Believe me, it was a challenge to post just one of each of the kids.

 Caden with his miracle, Mira.

Caden is disappointed with these pictures because of the visible bald spot.  He's got two on his head-- mysteries from the surgery in December.  They actually appear larger, because the hair is growing into them white (side effect of the chemo- he's so excited), and the surrounding hair is coming in white, which makes the dark hair appear further from the head, enlarging the circumference of the circle.  But, to me, they are perfection-- truths of the situation and monster he's fighting.

My heart is so full.  Not only because of these GORGEOUS pictures, but because we get to spend the evening together, celebrating Brennon's birthday.  This has not happened, without serious cancer hardships, for many years.  Birthday pictures coming tomorrow, since the celebrations last two days this year.  The tears I have shed today have all been happy tears.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Sunny, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Your gift as a photographer, example, and friend, is a treasure without price.  There will never be a day that these are not looked at without gratitude and love. 

Example

It is said that the best way to teach someone something important is by being a good example.  I try to always be a good example to my kids, whether it is a good or bad example.  And by bad, I mean that I am not perfect, but I always try to come back and say sorry for it later.  Unless it is truly a bad example.  Kids, let me show you how to fold a fitted sheet.  Since rolling it around your arms a few times, making it into a half-hazard cylinder is not the way to properly fold it, I am the perfect example of what not to do.  But more often than not, it is my kids that are the better example to me.

Each time Caden has been faced with cancer, he becomes a warrior.  He may not fully understand his example, but he is my hero.  I remember asking him after his first Round, when we were walking down the long hallway for his second one, if he was nervous-- after all, he knew what he was literally walking in to.  I almost didn't really believe his answer, "Nope.  I'm just ready to get it over with."  I actually had to look at his face, to judge his response for truth.  He meant it.  In truth, I was more nervous than he was.  He's been like that each and every time.  He gets the job done, the best way he knows how- with faith and conviction. 

On the flip side, when he is not faced with cancer, he lives his life to the fullest.  One week, to the day, of his last cancer find, he went camping in snow caves with his Troop.  A few times this week, he's pulled out his roller blades, or gotten on the eliptical, or even just played outside all afternoon with the kids.  He's gone to previously planned appointments, he's done his homework, aced more tests, finished his driving class, and initiated games with the family.  When asked if he was nervous, if he hated this wait as much as I do, he just looked at me and said, "I just don't even think about it until I need to."  So he just lives the life he wants.

I want to live my life like Caden does.  I want to face my fears, my challenges, and my very worst nightmares- my very mortality, even- with courage and heart and purpose.  When life is good, when things are beautifully mundane and magically boring, I want to live my days with joy, and love, and no thought to what may happen.  I want to make each moment count, to fill the rest of my days, no matter how many, with as many possibilities for happiness as I can shove into my time.  I want to purposely live my life, no matter what life brings, not just go with the flow.

Caden is my example in this. 

Brennon

During one of the combined activity times at camp Side-by-Side, Caden leaned over to Randy and I and said, pointing across the aisle, "That cute little boy over there looks just like Brennon!!"

We thought he was joking-- it WAS Brennon.  He looked so confused when we told him it was Brennon.  And then we laughed and laughed.  And laughed.  I can't help laughing a little each time it comes to memory.   It's not as if it was from 100 rows back-- it was truly about 15 chairs away.  His blind eye doesn't impair him often, but it does every once in a while.  Doesn't mean he will wear his glasses, though.  Amblyopia eye Punk.

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Randy was telling Brennon that he might be a little late returning home from work on Tuesday- the day we will celebrate Brennon's birthday this year- so he asked if Brennon wanted to go to dinner on Tuesday, or on Saturday evening.

"Well, since it's not my real birthday, we might as well go tonight."

We'll probably celebrate it on both February 28th and March 1st.  Like we do every single year.  After all, his birthday is the day after February 28th, which would make it March 1st, but it is also the last day of February, making it February 28th.  The boy has one true birthday every four years, and two birthday dates the other three years in between.

"Mom, I'm gonna turn 2 and 1/4 years this year."

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Brennon brought home a paper, telling us that he gets to be Star Student this week.  Along with 12 pictures, he is supposed to bring a few items that he'd like to use for a show and tell sesh.  His first item: Cereal in a baggie.  Surprise, surprise. 

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Randy took him on a little bit of a date last night to Baskin Robbins.  He refused any and all flavors; he got his usual: Vanilla.

My goodness, this boy is adorable!!  I love my B-boy!!! 

Abraham Lincoln

Tyson came home very excited to tell me that he'd been chosen by Mrs. Jones to be the class's Abraham Lincoln for their 1st grade Patriotic assembly.  He pulled out a script to practice, with all of his parts highlighted.  Because of his sponge-like brain, he had already memorized it after the first practice with his class.  While practicing with me the first time (his second time), he had to stop a few times to think of fun actions to go along with his words.  He was truly a little actor.

Yesterday, when he was getting ready for school, he came down in all black.  However, knowing that we had an actual suit for him to wear, I asked him to go and change into it.  And, let me just say, it was a fight.  He was so worried that Mrs. Jones had told him to "wear all black", not a suit!  I had to use all sorts of encouraging tones, and examples of what Presidents wear, and even had to pull out a bribe.  The bribe was given because the tears were falling rapidly-- he really was worried that his teacher would not approve of his white shirt.  All that worry went out the window with just a few words, "If you wear this suit, I will get you a little treat, kay?"  And so it was done.

 And when I saw that boy with his "tall, black hat," all shame for bribing my kid with "a bag of blue Doritos" evaporated-- he looked perfect!

 Each child in the class had a part to say, each talking to, or asking questions of, Abraham about facts from his life.  When it was Tyson's... whoops, I mean Abraham's turn to reply, he spoke directly into the microphone, enunciated his words precisely, and just did a wonderful job.

He blends into the background with his mostly black costume, but he still shines up on that stage.

After the program, we went back to his classroom to see the work the kids had done during the American Studies month, and to have cookies and punch.  It was fun to see the kids giggle as Tyson acted silly in his costume, showing us that the hat needed balled up newspaper to stand so tall.  He may be a silly jokester, but on stage, he was completely composed.  He was serious...ly cute!

 I'm not sure why Tyson looks like a baby Conehead, but look at his lashes on his silhouette!  Tyson and Caden are tied for first for their long, thick, dark lashes.  Mrs. Jones did a TON of work to get these done.  I'm so glad she loves her job enough to go above and beyond to make these kids have lasting memories from 1st grade.     

One thing about Tyson: he has told me for over a year now that he wants to be in the Army when he grows up.  I'm not sure what his future holds, but if he does go into the Army, I'm sure he'll be just as fearless and confident as he is now.  That boy doesn't let anything hold him back!

"I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free.  And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.  And I gladly stand up, next to you, and defend her still today.  'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land.  God, Bless the USA!"

Wait

There's that word again: wait.  We just got a call from our Buyer's-- their house did not appraise for what they had it under contract for.  They are now in negotiations with their own Buyers.  So, instead of packing the 10 boxes that I purchased and tape together, making them unreturnable, we'll just spend the next however many hours waiting.

Awesome! 

I am just done, done, done with this house stuff.  Where it once felt like a surreal dream, it's now starting to feel like a living nightmare.

Decorate

While at camp side-by-side, they had an activity where each of the kids and buddies got together in two teams to build a ship out of cardboard, complete with colored flags and other decor.  Since we had someone to watch over our kids during this activity, we just went back to our room for a little rest.  Wi-fi was pretty spotty throughout the entire camp, so it came as a little bit of a shock/surprise when Randy's phone chimed that he'd received a text.  It was from Caden, showing a picture that Tyson had drawn on their ship's main sail.

{I feel See Sik}

When asking him about the picture, he matter-of-fact replied, "Well, Shelby drew someone that is sick, so it gave me the idea.  This boy feels sick, but he got hit in the eyes, too, and there is blood coming from his eyes."  And then he said my favorite part, in his cute little voice from his cute little lips-- "That's what you get when you ask a seven year old to decorate!"  He did it with a slight little lift of his cute little shoulders, just so matter-of-fact.  My gosh, can you get any cuter?!

I guess you could say we asked for it!

Appraisal Results...

If you are anything like me, and take any amount of interest in our lives, you have been waiting on pins and needles for the appraisal results.  If you are like me, you thought the appraisal results would give us a clear "yes" or "no" answer.  If you are like me, the continuation of this crazy story we find ourselves in will cause you a bit of anxiety.  Or not, because I am a unique individual.  I can understand if you do not want to relate to my craziness! 

The appraiser told us he'd have the results submitted by Sunday at the earliest, so check with the bank on Monday.  At the time, we'd forgotten it was a holiday, so Monday was set in our minds until Friday afternoon when we realized we wouldn't find out about it until Tuesday.  It felt like the universe was asking us to wait for everything.  Randy had a 6:00am flight on Tuesday morning, so he checked as soon as he could when he landed.  The banker could not see that it had been posted, telling us that the appraiser "may have forgotten."  That alone had me filled with anxiety-- I did not want to wait another day to know if we should start packing or not!  About an hour later, we got a call: because of a changed date from underwriting, it had actually blocked the banker from being able to see it.  But, not to worry, our buyer's had received the answer in an email on Saturday...  Wait, what?!

So, Randy reached out to the buyers, asking if they knew the results of the appraisal.  And here it is:

**It appraised for what we needed it to!!**

But....

In one phone call we got the "YES" we had been waiting a whole week for (honestly, I had been waiting for it since January 29th, when we signed contracts) and a "I'm just not quite sure about it anymore.  I'm having some major anxiety.  Is there any way you would come down another $6,000?"

My first reaction to hearing this was confusion.  Then disbelief.  Then rage.  They came to us, despite Randy telling them that I didn't want to sell and move.  I had to work through my anxieties in the span of about 12 hours, finally coming to terms that this may be real, that we may be moving after just six months of "security."  They told us a price that they could do.  We said ok, realizing that there is always compromise with price, and that it was only a few thousand under what we wanted to sell it for.  And now, at the finish line, weeks later, they say they've had a problem with the price the whole time?!  NO!!!  We are not going to sell our home at a discount to buy a home that has had no discount-- we don't need to move.  That's the very purpose of the Make Me Move offer-- you say what you'd be willing to move for.  If they are willing to pay that price, then you'll move.  If not, don't even consider looking at it in the first place!  They signed contracts saying ok, giving us their word, and now they may back out?!  If we were not under contract, I would have walked away right then. 

Randy gave them until 5:00pm for an answer.  I mean, come on, you've had days with this knowledge, and you still can't decide?!  Try having 12 hours without any clue beforehand that this could be a possibility!  At 4:40pm, he text saying that they just couldn't have an answer by then.  Without any idea of how long they would take, we just had to wait.  Oh, my gosh, I kept getting madder and madder.  I am not a patient person.  I thought the hardest part would be waiting for the appraisal-- turns out, it could get much worse.

The only reason that things were so stressful was because the appraiser for the home we have under contract went out that very morning.  We had already put our necks on the line paying $400 for an inspection.  We wanted to wait until after the appraisal on our current home to start paying any money, but we only had 10 days to do the inspection.  So we paid that money, hoping that it wouldn't be a waste.  However, with the appraiser going out to our new home on the exact day our appraisal results were supposed to come in for our current home, we risked having to pay another $600; we had until he submitted it to back out without penalty.  If that new-home appraiser was on the ball, he could have gotten it submitted last night at like 9:00pm.  Meaning: if they continued to drag their feet, we'd be locked in to pay that money, regardless of their decision.  Potentially, $1,000 spent for nothing, on a home that we would love to have, but don't need to buy, simply because they were getting cold feet.  Before, we'd have been ok with them backing out.  Now, with that much money on the line, we needed their answer fast.  It was not a peaceful night for me.  On top of the anxieties of cancer.

I finally crawled into bed at 10:15, hoping that I would be able to fall asleep at all.  I slept, thankfully, waking to a text from Randy:

10:38pm- They let me know 30 minutes ago that they are going to buy our house.  My Do Not Disturb prevented me from seeing it.

My Do Not Disturb prevented me from seeing his message before tossing and turning for a few hours last night.  Awesome!

5 weeks and 4 days ago, Randy got a text that thrust us into this surreal story.  Just to clarify, we did not come down on the price again-- they are buying it for the price they signed for.  Boy, this weekend has been a FULL one.  Can you say, Roller coaster?!

Conclusion:

The King and Queen are selling their castle!!!

Mature

Throughout this whole "journey" there have been times where we were grateful that Caden was mature enough to understand, and others when we were grateful that he really didn't understand at all.  In every situation or circumstance of it all, there are times when one is much more wonderful than the other.

As Caden has grown and matured through it all, it has almost become harder because he is understanding the severity more-- he now knows more fully what's at stake.  And it breaks my heart.  I'm crying as I type, wishing he could be innocent for it all.

We were having lunch at camp, joking around about how big Brennon and Tyson's ears are in proportion to their heads, betting that they would or would not look as large when they grew older.  Randy and I made a bet for ten years from now.  Mine was that since our ears and nose never stop growing, they would always be a bit bigger than their head.  Randy said they'd grow into them nicely, since we both have smallish ears that don't stick out disproportionately from our heads.  We shook on it, betting a ten minute massage.  Randy made the comment that Brennon would be almost 19 and Tyson would be 17 by the time we'd cash in our winnings.

Caden:  "I'll be almost 26."  And then looking at the table, kind of quiet, not speaking to anyone in particular, "Or dead."

I have not been able to eat or sleep well since finding out the news.  I can barely think straight.  What is happening in our lives right now?  How can I be expected to even breathe?  I am really having a hard time processing our reality, it hurts to my very soul.  This is going to be the longest wait of my entire life, with the hardest hard expected to be lived with the results of the wait.  This is excruciating.  Knowing truths doesn't always make things easier.

Side-by-Side

A few weeks ago, Sue mentioned that we should attend a camp that she and her family have volunteered at for the last 11 years-- so we did.  After our devastating news, we headed straight to the ferry for a weekend camp we knew nothing about.  It turned out to be the best thing we could have done-- Our complete ignorance about the weekend added to the magical feel that made us forget our worries.  And when I say forget, I actually don't mean me-- please, like I could ever truly forget.

Upon arriving, they showed us to our rooms (everyone knew that Dirks was synonymous with 2 rooms/large family), and the kids were introduced to their "buddies."  These buddies were high school senior age, or older volunteers that would show them around, do anything they wanted, and watch them from 8:30am-9:00pm.  If we did activities as a family, we actually had 10 "kids," since they were all younger than both Randy and I.  We were the largest group, by far.  Our family took an entire large table, where most tables were shared between two (or more) families.  It added to the fun, really.  The buddies made everything fun for the kids, even if it was simply eating a meal.  It was so nice to not only have all of the meals, boarding, and activities planned out for us, but that we didn't have to worry about getting kids here or there-- the buddies took their assigned child to whatever they wanted to do.  We'd plan to meet up at different times, and just set them loose.  Caden spent 30 minutes at a microscope activity, all other kids spent zero minutes there, and that worked out just fine for everyone.  It was a camp of "yes" for our kids.  They had the time of their lives from 5:00pm Friday evening to 1:00pm Sunday afternoon.

They also had activities centered around 17 sets of parents with children diagnosed with cancer.  While volunteers took each of our children (one buddy for each child that was there) they had support activities for parents.  Saturday, while the kids had macaroni and cheese and brownies, we had a special lunch in another building, eating the most sophisticated meal I have ever eaten, talking openly with other parents about the struggles we have had, are currently having, or are going to have.  It was wonderful.  We could attend all activities, or none-- everything was completely optional.  If we wanted to stay in our room the entire time, while our kids were playing, we totally could; it was completely up to what we felt up to.  Randy chose to nap while all of the other dads played laser tag, whereas I spent 2 hours in the spa set up for the moms.  We did whatever the heck we wanted, knowing our kids were having the time of their lives playing without us.

I have many pictures, but my computer won't take them off of my phone.  Maybe it knows I need to cherish them myself just a few days longer.  I'll have Randy figure out the technology and get them recorded for our blog books as soon as I can.  Anyway, I wanted to catalogue some of the highlights of the weekend.

~We hadn't been there more than an hour when our kids broke the all-time IslandWood Mega Jenga record.  It's a game made out of 2x4's, where our kids stacked the game 35 high.  The Dirks' name is on an official board, breaking the record by more than 5 rows!

~Caden technically won the Skeet Ball tournament.  The only reason he lost was because the second one wouldn't count the balls until the score made it to 100.  So, if it took the kid 9 balls to make it to 100, he'd have another 9 balls to throw.  Whereas, the one that Caden always played on started counting the 9 balls from the first throw.  Caden refused to play on the one that was broken, and was pretty ticked that they allowed the other one to be counted as the winner.  He wasn't upset to have lost as much as it upset him that the faulty game was allowed to win.  It was a huge gesture that he clapped for the boy when his name was called for a shout out during the finale, I was super proud of him for being such a good sport about the loss that should have been a win.

~Shelby and Brennon volunteered almost every chance they could to be on stage.  It got kind of embarrassing, but it was super fun for them, so we didn't stop them.  I don't think there was a single person there that needed a name tag to know Shelby.

~Tyson was devastated that his buddy was a girl.  It made it even more difficult for him when Brennon's buddy was SO outgoing and fun.  He never said anything to her, but he sure said something to us that first night.  By the end, he gave her a hug goodbye.  That is huge for Tyson.

~Randy was volunteered by one of our doctors (the one that I passed out in front of a while back) for a fun Mad Libs skit.  He and another dad called from the crowd played Rock, Paper, Scissors for their starring roles.  Randy won-- he played the man, while the other dad played the woman.  Randy, on stage, reading from a board of Mad Libs made up from the crowd of rowdy kids, proposed marriage to his "one true chocolate," on their first date, and she said (in a surprisingly deep, manly voice), "Yes, yes, and seven times yes!"  It was hilarious!  And, until you can see the picture, you'll just have to believe that the way he did his hair (wig) and the absolute stellar six pack (sewn fabric insert) with revealing button-down shirt (to the navel) had me fanning my face in the crowd!  I am one lucky woman to have that man by my side.  It was fun to joke around with the entire camp about Randy's acting skills.  It was rumored that Steven Spielberg called, asking about my Mister.  Folks, we now know where our kids get their wicked acting skills!

~After Randy performance, Caden and his buddy were called out of the crowd to show us eating etiquette.  His buddy was outfitted with a large plastic tarp, while Caden was blindfolded.  They had Caden feed him vegetables...and chocolate cake.  Caden made it super fun for the kids by picking up the entire cake, bringing it slowly to his face, and smashing it on his buddy's face.  The crowd went WILD!  His buddy played along, too, making it super fun to watch him try to lick his face.  Oh, the laughter.  And Caden's face as he walked back to his seat will always be in my mind-- he was beaming, smiling ear-to-ear.

~They had a professional magician come.  He taught our kids some real tricks, and had them exclaiming in pure surprise and delight the entire hour.  For his last act, he blew up a giant balloon (can be five feet in diameter) with an actual leaf blower, actually crawled into the balloon (I am not even kidding- the guy had serious skill), tied the balloon so that he was completely encapsulated and jumped around the stage inside of it, and then popped his way out of the balloon holding the correct card a child had chosen from the deck.  The funnest thing about the whole thing was that our kids didn't know we were there, so we got to watch their unguarded faces the whole time.  It was the best part of the whole weekend, for me.  They didn't change their expressions because they knew someone was watching, it was totally raw and real.  It was beautiful.  Dare I say, "Magical."  There it is again, my lame personality bursting out of me in pun.  Posterity, if you are reading this, just know that I can't contain the awesome!  I just don't have a choice.  

~On Saturday night, Tyson told his buddy that he was done with her, and that he would just spend the rest of the night with us.  He literally came back to our room to snuggle with me.  I almost started to cry, I needed it so much.  When I told Caden about it the next day, I asked if there were times he felt the same way, that he just wanted to spend time as a family.  "No, it's been really cool to have a big brother this weekend."  And just like that, the weekend became one of my most favorite ever lived.

There is more- lots more- but I want to go spend time playing basketball with my family.  Well, more like sit in a chair with a blanket wrapped around me, cheering them on with my screams, but I want to spend more time with them.  We've been given weeks of "normal" living before we begin radiation.  

So we're going to live. 

Scan

We just had Caden's Scan. Radiology says it is a tumor. Randy and I see a tumor. Dr. Hawkins and Sue wonder if it is just post-op surgery healing, since it was such a massively invasive surgery just 2 months and 1 week ago. So we wait six weeks. Waiting, oh how you taunt me.

Suddenly, waiting for the appraisal doesn't feel like a wait worth mentioning, or even worrying about.

Finished Projects

I am taking a sewing class that I am pretty giddy about.  I can't say what kind of class, because I want the project to be a secret for my Mom, and she reads this.  It's offered on Tuesday mornings, so I feel even more excited that it doesn't take away from my first love and priority: my kids at home.  I'm also in the beginner sewing class, learning everything I can about the basics of the machine and sewing techniques.  It is geared to first-time learners, so I feel super confident coming from each of the classes.  This new class adds one more element that I was nervous about-- fabric coordinating.  For me, unless the fabrics are right next to one another, unless they come from the same fabric family line, I have a very hard time putting patterns together.  I can look at colors and find some that are similar, but putting them together with both differing colors and patterns is something that I knew I would struggle with.

When the class on Tuesdays was offered, {Jamie} made the project as an example to show what we'd learn to make and have as a reference for us.  For her, it was to guage how long it would take for us to make in a timed-class setting.  For me, it was a guide of what to buy.  Being the copier that I am, I choose the same starting fabric and started from there with coordinating.  I had a clear picture of what I thought I'd do, knowing the color that I wanted most in mine: a vibrant, rich peach.  I searched Joanne's Fabrics three times, down every isle looking for the perfect coordinating peach.  They had a beautiful selection of the perfect peach in every kind of fabric, but cotton.  Disappointed that I wouldn't have the perfect peach for my project, I went to Hobby Lobby.  I walked in, saw the perfect one, purchased it, and giddily brought it back to my other fabrics, certain it would be perfection.  It was not.  I was disappointed.

Wanting the project to be exactly as I imagined it, since it is for my Mom, I stewed on it for the rest of the night.  I decided to try one last store.  Craft Warehouse always has the cutest fabrics, but it is spendy.  Again, I thought I'd found the perfect peach, purchased it, paid more than double for it, and was again disappointed.  Next to all of the other fabrics, I was actually surprised to find that the fabric from Hobby Lobby, the peach that I was so disappointed with just the day before, was the one I liked best from what I now had to choose from.

I can't stop thinking about this scenario-- it has stayed with me for many days now.  So many times, we think we know best in what we want out of life, or in certain situations; we have a clear picture of what we want or don't want to happen.  I cried when we were told that Caden might have pneumonia (people die of pneumonia, my sister being one of them!) , and then wished that was the case when they found the tumor.  I still wish that, to this day.  I gave the Bishop a huffy breath with rolled eyes when he called me to Nursery (that is one calling that I never wanted to get) but have actually been loving it!  I did not want to move from our Jason Loop haven, but have actually loved every aspect of this new home.  I did not want to buy a vehicle as massive as our Yukon XL, but have loved that car every time I get in it-- can you say trunk/space of dreams?!  I can't help but think that sometimes it is the things that come to us that we don't want that turn out to be the most beautiful, that the things that are the biggest disappointments are what make our lives more glorious than we could have ever imagined on our own.  We may think we know best, but our Heavenly Father sees the finished project, where we only see the individual fabrics. 

Independence

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the busiest after-school-activities days of our week.  It seems that I am practically in the car all night, with one activity ending with just enough time to drop off one child and pick up another for another activity.  Add in Caden's driving class on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday for a few weeks (extended due to Snow Days/weather) and you have an even tighter schedule on both days.

During each of the few minutes between driving sessions, Tyson asked if we could play Settlers of Catan: Cities and Knights.  I had to tell him over and over that we just don't have enough time.  As I was tucking him in last night, he asked if we could play it 'tomorrow, please, if we have any extra time.'  I told him that it probably wouldn't happen, but yes, if we had enough time.

We have time-- we are experiencing our 9th Snow Day today, due to freezing rain.  Looks like the kids will have celebratory fireworks for their last day of school, seeing as they'll probably be going until the 4th of July.  Independence day spent in the confines of another school day.  Awesome.

Duty

Randy was summoned for Jury duty last year around the time we found cancer again.  They willingly allowed him to defer for a year.  I'm fairly certain his summons this time came a year, to the day.

Because of pre-scheduled work meetings, they told him that he could be excused for the second week, but that he needed to be at the courthouse yesterday at 8:00am.  Since this was his first time (although second summons) we were both interested in the process.  He got there on time, was put in a large room with about 50 people, and then separated into a smaller group of about 15, set for "District" court.  About 20 minutes after that, he sent me a text that read, "Still waiting."  I was super glad that he was keeping me well informed, that way I kind of knew what to expect when I get my own summons.  However, we still have no idea what to expect-- he was sent home after just one hour.  The Prosecutor for the case that they were to juror over was sick; they were all excused, and relieved of their duty.

Now that is I what I call upholding your civic duty!  Lucky, Mister!

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Our appraisal was schedule for 2:00pm today.  I was really feeling anxious to know tonight or tomorrow (OK, I admit it, I wanted to know immediately) whether we were going to sell our house, whether this story was going to get even more fantastic.  The guy came early, stayed for about 25 minutes, took pictures of every conceivable thing, and said the words that I did not want to hear.

"I'll submit no sooner than Sunday.  You'll have it in a week."

Just another test of my patience, it seems.  Good news: everything is finalized on the home that we will buy, should this all go through.  There has been some stress with the sellers not wanting to fix things found during the Inspection, but they finally came around.  One less thing to be stressed about, though I won't start packing anything until we know for sure.  My goodness, it feels so weird knowing that it has only been 32 days since this all began.  It feels like so much longer with all of the waiting.

I should have made him a cake-- that worked well for Doctor Hawkins when he was trying to bribe Pathology for the report from his resected tumor in 2014.  The news was also favorable, so maybe the same joyous-type news could have been said about this.  Alas!  No cake.  No news today.  More waiting.

One week.  {Cue 'Elevator Music' on repeat}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While eating dinner tonight, Brennon burst into tears when we told him he wouldn't get dessert or Valentine's candy unless he ate his carrots (3 raw baby carrots, by the way-- oh, the torture we cause our kids!).  Randy made a prediction: "Let me guess, when you are parents, you won't make your kids eat their vegetables, right?"  Let the record show, for generations to come, that Brennon and Shelby said they would never make their kids eat their vegetables.

Grandkids, if you are reading this and either is your parent, you can remind them of their solemn promises, made with pinkie swears and cross-my-hearts.  You're welcome.  I love you.  I'm your favorite Grandma, don't you forget it.

The carrots were eaten. Dessert and Valentine's candy are now being happily inhaled.  They are my kids after all-- we can lay waste to sugar quicker than a blink.

Thank you, Carolyn!!  Dinner was delicious. 

Tools?

There comes at time when you know you are finished with something, when you know that you'll turn your back to it and never look back.  For me right now, it's the chiropractor.  I have been wondering if the time, money, and emotions spent at this place have been worth it.  I have wondered if they really could back their claims that they could make it so I never had back pain.  I would be grateful to simply be able to walk/stand/sit/sit up/roll over/ or even lay sometimes without pain, let alone be completely pain free, at this point.  But today's appointment was the piece of straw that broke my back.  I could have used camel idiom, but I don't really care about camels right now.  I am done with the chiropractor. (It's funny how many times I used the word 'back' in this paragraph, and how many different meanings it can have.)

First off: I didn't see the doctor I usually see-- he was in Hawaii, unbeknownst to me when I made the appointment for today.  Second: I've had to be seen by today's doctor only once before, and I didn't really like him all that much.  He was more rough with my neck, didn't do as many things to adjust me as my normal doctor, and was just more unfeeling-- I felt like a number, not a human with debilitating back pain.  I wouldn't have gone in today, had I known I would be seen by him.

He did a few of the "normal" things, but not as many as we always do.  It felt like he was trying to rush.  Then he had me stand up, but didn't finish the other things that we do.  I was kind of confused as I was standing there, not realizing that we were done, waiting to finish, and yet coming to the understanding that I was going to have to pay for a visit that only did about a quarter of the things that we normal do.  It was almost like I was given a little pat on the back, charged for it, and told to go home.

"So, here's the thing.  We don't want you to be afraid of your back."

"Ummmm..... I already am!  The thing that made my back go out this time was sitting in church.  If I can't be confident to even sit down, how can I be confident at all, with anything?"

"Well, since the weather is turning nice, maybe start adding in some walking."

"I'm a stay at home mom that doesn't have kids at home.  I already do a lot of walking, all day, as I clean and clean.  I love cleaning!  I am constantly in motion.  I walk on average 10,000 steps a day already, just by cleaning my home.  Is there a different way I should be sitting?  Is there a better way for me to walk?  Should I bend a different way when getting clothes out of the washer and dryer, or loading the dishwasher?"

"Well, we don't need to worry as much about what we shouldn't do.  For now, let's work on adding small things.  After all, we don't want you to be afraid of your back."

At this point, I was ready to slap the guy.  Was he not listening?  How can anyone not be afraid of their back if they can't do even the smallest of "activities" without having weeks and weeks of pain.  Anyone that has ever tried a new physical activity knows that day two is going to be brutal, but that it will start getting better.  Here I am sitting down in church and my back goes out.  It wasn't even the full hour of Sacrament Meeting, it was about 20 minutes in!  Who wouldn't wonder what they could or couldn't do?  Who wouldn't want to know exactly how to stand, or sit, or stretch, or move, or do anything without doing it the correct way, so that they didn't injure themselves unknowingly?!  After all, if there is a right way to do something, there is also a wrong way to do it.  I want to be equipped with the tools and knowledge to do it the right way, so I don't accidentally do something that will make it worse.

Also, for the past five months, I have been in near-constant debilitating pain.  I don't do anything like I used to.  In essence, I am retraining my muscles in most everything I do, so that I don't feel the pain.  When I spit into the sink while brushing my teeth, I no longer curve forward from the hips-- that hurts too much.  I end up kind of bending one knee, while working an oblique muscle, and bending on more of one side than the other.  So, because of the constant pain that I am in, am I retraining my muscles incorrectly?  They always talk about adjusting the spine so that the muscles will be readjusted as well, but if I don't know how to do something the right way, am I being counterproductive in all of this?  Am I hindering my own progress because I don't know how to do things the right way?  If I have been in pain for 17 years, obviously I don't know what the heck I am doing!  Help me know how to do things right, so I can help myself get better.  So I can stop weeks of pain simply by reverently sitting, while thinking of Father above!

As I was asking him things that I could do, asking about more ideas of stretches (seeing as they have only ever given me two to try in all of these months, two that I do multiple times a day, but still feel like crap), he turned and walked into his office area.  It was so abrupt, I thought inspiration struck.  I thought he was going to grab me something-- maybe a pamphlet of stretching ideas, or another type of belt to help, or even just a cream I could try.  When he left, I looked to the person that takes notes on the treatments we do each session, who is also the billing person.  She gave me an idea to maybe try flexing my core muscles during my chores.  While doing the dishes, flex my core muscles.  When folding clothes, flex my core muscles.  When laying on ice, flex my core muscles.  I told her that I could do that, feeling like that could maybe be a good idea...

And then the doctor walked out of his office area- empty handed- and walked into the next patients' room.  He didn't say goodbye.  He didn't acknowledge that I had been asking him questions.  He didn't even look me in the eye.  He just ended my appointment.  I was given advice from the person that doesn't have a degree in Chiropractic work.  Granted, she hears it all, so I know she knows a lot- she also did give me a really good piece of advice, I am truly grateful for her- but she is not the one that should have been helping me-- the DOCTOR should have.  Instead-- he walked out of the room, and never looked back.  1/4 of the procedure, gave me no help/suggestions whatsoever, kept telling me that they didn't want me to be afraid of my back (he said it like five times), and then walked out while I was asking him questions.  And he calls himself a professional.

I have an appointment with my regular doctor, made moments after I got home-- I had to calm down from crying the whole way home.  I know Dr. Burrup is not the one that will help me, but I'm hoping he can refer me to someone that specializes in backs.  I need to be equipped better, because my back is getting worse.  The resting/sedentary pain today is not as severe as it was last week, but that's not the point.  My back is not working properly on enough of a regular basis.  I truly don't know what I can or can't do anymore.  I have been careful-- too careful, if you ask me.  I have not served others as much as I am used to or want, trying to "help myself" instead.  Man, I seriously feel so selfish, always thinking of myself so much recently.  You know, he actually told me today that it was "time to take care of myself"-- and then walked out when I was asking him how best to do that.  Jerk.

Man, I am done talking about my back.  I am done complaining to Randy about it- it makes me feel so pathetic.  I just can't help it, it hurts so much.  I'm tired of feeling so weak, but honestly, I can't sit without hurting myself?!  Come on, who wouldn't be frustrated at that?!  I have researched back exercises, but I honestly don't know enough about it to know if the ones I choose are the right ones.  I need a professional to help me.  This is not a Do It Yourself, Pinterest search.

Gosh Dang It, I am so mad that he walked out!!!  GRRRR!!!!!!

"Thanks for nothing, you freaking Jerk!!"

Story

I love it when a book I'm reading "speaks" to me, or makes me think of what I'd do in a similar situation.  I love it when books make me think of what life would be like without choice, where everything I did was something that someone told me to do, like, or want.  But, I love it most when books make me grateful for what I already have.  When books reconfirm that I really do have a life that is a modern-day fairy tale.

With all of the extra time on the couch this week, I've read a few books.  It's not something that I would have chosen to accomplish for this particular week, but I found that I actually have missed reading a book a day.  I love to devour books, to lose myself in another world.  I love it when I find a new author that I know I can trust to be clean.  I just love to read.  Anywhooooo...  I started reading the Chip and Joanna Gaines story.  I have loved watching their show on Netflix for many years, wishing I could look at things the way she does and come up with those ideas on my own.  I love that she takes something that is not my favorite, and makes it my favorite in a way I never would have seen it used.  That is just really intriguing to me.

As I began the book, I was struck again and again that their story is very similar to our own.  Not on all accounts, obviously, but many things had me thinking, "That's just like us!"  Paraphrasing Joanna:  "Chip never gets attached to anything without a heartbeat.  He is always looking for another thing to invest in."  Um... I think Chip and Randy are spirit twins.  Paraphrasing Chip: "I've pretty much learned to just leave her alone after I present something to her."  I think Joanna and I would be friends!  She tells that with almost everything that he's presented to her, she gets mad at first, kicks back because she hates it so much and doesn't want to even think about it.  Then she takes a breath.  Then she starts to think about the project, how she can help him make it better.  And then she gets a little excited.  And then she says, "OK, let's do this." And they make something mundane into magic.  We are nowhere near as amazing as they have proven time and time again, but we do improve each and every project/home we begin.  When it is time to say goodbye to a home, we look back with fondness on the memories made together, more than the work itself.

As they talk about their marriage, they both said more than once that they "are better together, than apart.  That they become better by doing things together.  That they grow stronger together because of the trials they face as one."  And, again, I thought, "That is us!"  There have been times in our marriage that I needed a girls' weekend to see a Broadway show in Omaha, NE with my sister and bestie, or a Time Out for Women that requires at least four hours' drive time each way, but it's for my own strength-- never because I need time away from Randy.  We are better together.  We are happier together.  He is everything I never knew I always wanted.

But the thing that touched me most in this book were words that I needed to hear this week.  Things have felt a little heavy for me recently.  I just feel so mentally tired.  It truly hasn't been all bad.  There have been many, many times of laughter and fun.  I still enjoy doing everything for my family, finding new, fun things to do together, but it just seems that I have been a major complainer this past week (maybe longer, I'll have to really search my tired mind to remember exactly).  And then Joanna reached out of her book with her beautiful words, and lifted me up.  She helped me realize something that got lost in my mental and physical pain.

"It was such a blessing to find myself thriving in the middle of the pain.  Unless you find a way to do that, there's always going to be this fake illusion that once you get there-- wherever "there" is for you-- you'll be happy.  But that's just not life.  If you can't find happiness in the ugliness, you're not going to find it in the beauty, either." 

So, I started to think of our own story.  I was humbled to see the happiness that we have made together in all of the ugliness.  Things have been a little difficult-- not cancer care difficult, but difficult for our everyday lives-- but we are still thriving.  We are still capable of feeling joy and adoration and love, even when things feel tense or glum.  We are still living the good and wonderful life.  We still have everything that makes us better-- each other.  Our ugly makes our happiness the most beautiful thing in the world.  I'm going to work harder to see only the happy.  Because there is a lot to see when you remember to look.

Ligaments

One of the reasons I was most put out about not having an appointment time yesterday was because I really needed that appointment.  I have had back problems for almost as long as Randy and I have known one another.  We were in a bad accident (one that we probably should have died, to tell you the truth) in April 2000, just days before Randy proposed to me.  My feet were on the dashboard when we swerved off the freeway and into a ditch, going 80 MPH.  We were traveling Southbound, yet the sheer force of the accident propelled our car to end up in the ditch facing North.  We walked away from that accident, miraculously, but my back has never been the same.

I've had times where my back didn't hurt for a long time, and others where I have problem after problem after problem.  A couple months ago, I raked some leaves and a couple days later couldn't get off of the floor.  Truly, I hurt so bad with even the tiniest of breaths, I needed Jamie to come and help me off of the floor.  I couldn't roll over.  I couldn't sit.  I couldn't stand.  I couldn't walk without help.  I was prostate on my back for an entire week, it hurt so bad.

Since that week of my own personal agony, I have been taking everything very seriously when it comes to my back.  If I have a day of extreme cleaning, I take multiple breaks laying on ice.  I do not do any heavy lifting.  I do not do anything that could compromise my back-- I am scared to get to that point again.  I am 35 years old and had to have help getting off of the floor.  I can laugh about it now (Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up!!), but it was the worst pain I have ever been in.  And I had Brennon without an epidural.

After Jamie got me onto the couch, and after I could finally talk after crying so hard, I was put in touch with two chiropractors via friend requests.  One told me to wait a few days, and then come in to see him.  I said that was fine, since I couldn't move anyway.  The other said I needed to come in immediately, that he had tools to help get the muscles to ease up.  Tricia, the friend that had called her own chiropractor, sent me a text.  "You have an appointment tomorrow.  I'll be there to carry you in to see him."  And she did.  I have been seeing him on a regular basis (minus the month of cancer care) to try and get my back in better shape.  My spine was in a bad way.

Two Sundays ago, while sitting in Sacrament Meeting, my back started to hurt, for no reason at all.  I was just sitting there, and then BAM, my back was bothering me.  It just so happened that the next day I had an appointment with the chiropractor.  He helped 'pop' the spot that was bothering me, so I thought all was well.  However, I walked out of his office, stepped off of the curb, and felt it 'pop' again.  He had told me before that it was normal to get an adjustment and then have it take a few days to settle, so I thought this was one of those time.  I came home to lay on ice.  And have pretty much been on that couch the whole week.  Not like the 'Raking Week,' but kind of worse (in my mind, anyway), since I hadn't done anything to warrant that kind of pain.  So, when I saw that I had an appointment on my calendar for yesterday, I was grateful, because my back had been hurting the entire week, getting worse and worse by the day.  I almost started to cry when she told me that it was for next Monday.

I came home deflated, made Tyson his stupid lunch, took it to him, and came home to lay on ice again.  My back was to the point that I had about 30 minutes of standing/walking/being upright before I needed to lay down again.  While laying on the couch, the morning came crashing down around me, and I started to cry.  I felt horrible about how I had treated my baby, horrible about the fact that I can't be a little more flexible sometimes with my strict schedules and time anxieties, horrible that I would have to wait another week in pain.  I cried myself out, and made a call to ask if they could squeeze me in.  I don't usually make "emergency" appointments-- I just don't want to be a bother, I know people are busy, but I had reached my threshold.  I needed help.

While in the appointment, I almost passed out from the pain.  It happened the first few times I went to see him, actually.  And the snot-faced tears and whimpers of agony I have had in his office-- it's a wonder I can even show my face in there at all.  I guess it just goes to show how desperate I am.  Anyway, he did all of the adjustments that he's done before, but the pain remained, just as severe as before.  When I told him I had walked out of there in pain the week before, he told me that I should have walked right back inside.  Except, he had told me many times before that it was normal for adjustments to take a few days.  My mind can't decipher when it is alright to be in pain, and when it is alright to go back in!  I don't know what is "normal" pain after and adjustment!  So this time, I kept telling him when and what would ignite the pain.  It was surmised that I have ligament damage, that it is worse than just spasming muscles.  He worked on me for 30 minutes, with each "exercise" or "adjustment" more excruciating than the one before.  "Stephanie, I need you to breathe.  You are going to pass out!"  "Ummm....... I KNOW!" I was screaming in my dizzy mind.  But the pain was almost too much to bear-- I almost wanted to pass out.  I have thought many times that I would endure any amount of pain if he could just 'pop' me back into place, that I would endure enough pain to pass out, if it would just help relieve my never ending back problems.

"Stephanie, you are one.tough.woman.  When you put your mind to something, you go for it!"

As I was walking out of his office, sporting a new "belt" that helps keep my hips immobile, I looked him right in the eye, "So, to be clear, I am walking out of here in extreme pain.  This time, this appointment, that is OK?"

"Yes."

So I came home to lay on the couch with ice.  Apparently my day could, and did, get worse yesterday.  And, guess what, we're most likely going to be packing and moving in a month and a week!  

Awesome!!

Lunch?

I'm not sure what it is about Tyson recently, but he seems to be the one that I have the most to write about.

My kids have always been early risers.  It seems that their "clocks" are all set to wake at, or before 6:00am-- no matter what time they went to sleep the night before.  So, I have never had to wake my kids for school or church.  They wake up and watch tv quietly until our alarms go off.  I've set an alarm for Caden and Keilie to come and have family prayer with us before they leave for the bus at 7:10am, then I allow myself a few extra minutes in bed to think about my day.  Or sleep.  Whatever I need on that particular day.  When that alarm goes off at 7:35am, I call down for Shelby, Brennon, and Tyson to turn off all electronics and get ready for school.  They leave for school at 8:20am.  This is how it has been from the beginning of all "school days."

Tyson has now been going by this schedule for 1.5 school years.  However, recently he's been dilly-dallying more than he usually does.  It has always felt nice that when we tell our kids to get their shoes on, get ready for bed, get in the car, and so on, that they've hustled and just did what was asked.  So, with each situation, I have noticed it takes Tyson almost twice as long as the other kids.  Combined.  He takes forever to do anything.  Where they come home, empty their backpacks, hang them up (hopefully) and get going on their homework, Tyson seems to just be taking his backpack off.  Then he'll leave it on the floor.  Then it will take me three times asking him to pick it up.  Then it takes me getting angry with him.  By the time it's done, the kids are done with their homework, and ready for reading time.  It just seems that Tyson always lags behind.  By the time the kids get the rest of the night to do what they wish, Tyson still has stuff that needs to be done, and he complains that he can't do what Brennon or Shelby are doing.  It has become somewhat of a problem.

So, this morning, I called down to them to get ready.  I had an appointment on my calendar that happens to be for next week, but since I didn't know that first thing in the morning, I spent time getting ready myself.  By the time I walked downstairs, the kids had five minutes to leave.  I called out the time, telling them to wrap it up.  Tyson was upstairs, so I just assumed that he was getting the last of his stuff ready.  Two minutes to leaving, he comes down without socks or shoes on-- the others had their backpacks and coats on, ready to walk out the door.  He had to get his socks on, then had to go back upstairs to get his shoes.  I was frantic, I hate being late.  He came down and still needed to fill his backpack with school supplies.  I tersely asked him what the heck he had been doing-- "well, I had to eat, didn't I?"  By this time, he should have left 3 minutes ago.  As he was getting his coat on, he asked if it would be alright if he made his lunch.  Um................NO YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR LUNCH NOW!!!!!

I sent him crying out the door without home lunch.  Life lesson: DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO IT!  Plus, it wasn't like he'd be going hungry-- he can always have lunch at school, even if he hates it!  I shut the door on his bawling, feeling a little guilty for sending him to school upset.  I went into the kitchen to start my normal days' activities before leaving for my appointment 15 minutes later.  And then four minutes later the front door opened.....

"Mom, are you sure I can't make my lunch?"

ANGER!!!!  That kid should have been 10 minutes into his walk to school at that very moment!!  I yelled at him that I would make his stupid lunch and take it to school, and that he better run his little butt to catch up to Shelby and Brennon.  Oh, that kid!!!  He makes me feel all emotions.  You wouldn't guess it from his cute, innocent face, but that kid has the power to tick me off!  I left for my appointment, was embarrassed (and totally put out) to find out I had gotten the date wrong, came home to make that stupid lunch, and will take it to him soon.  If I had been a "good and caring mother" this morning, I would have just planned to take the kids to school, but I wanted to get a few things done in the kitchen, since my routine was being pushed around by that stupid appointment that didn't even happen today!  Instead, I sent my kid out the door bawling, then yelled at him to run instead of just helping him make his lunch and taking him, and just made a mess of the whole day.  How is it that the first day in many, many weeks that the sun is shining, our day starts out with tears?!  UGH! 

Punishment

Tyson was grounded from his Kindle on Wednesday, because he started playing on it before putting his coat and backpack away, doing pages in his math packet (the one that his teacher sends home to challenge him), 20 minutes of reading, and his daily chore.  Since this was not his first offense- the one where he can't play for the rest of the night- his punishment is for an entire week.

Each day, he's come to me, asking me if I will release him from his punishment.  "But, Mom, I have already learned my lesson!"  Last night, Shelby decided to take all of her clean clothes (still warm from the dryer) and put them in the dirty clothes hamper, knowing that I would be checking her closet to make sure she had done it correctly, so she could continue playing on her Kindle.  I happened upon them, felt the burning fire of rage fill my entire body, and grounded her for the rest of the night to her room, without her Kindle.  Tyson: "Mom, why does she only get grounded for one night, and I got grounded for seven days?" And so began the justification chat with my very analytical seven year old.

This morning, Tyson had Brennon come and ask if he was still grounded.  When we told Brennon that, 'Yes, Tyson is still grounded,' Brennon- with his sad eyes and cute, innocent face- asked if we 'would consider letting him be un-grounded.'  Oh, Tyson, you.are.good!  I can just see him sitting down with Brennon, brainstorming what he wanted Brennon to say, having Brennon role play for him, maybe even give him pointers to make it more convincing, and then sending him on his quest.  I can see it so clearly, because that is the kind of child I was!  He stood on the stairs, just outside our door, within earshot.  As we told Brennon that we would not let him be un-grounded, Tyson entered, distraught.  "But, why? A punishment is going to my room, or extra chores, or going to bed early.  This...this is just...so...this is just too...much!"

We had already talked about letting him off a little early, for good behavior.  I think we'll let him go the rest of the day, and let him off at bedtime.  He really is a good kid.  This really is the only thing that he does "wrong" and it isn't even that bad.  And, in the year that he has had his Kindle, this is only the second time it has happened.  I hope he remembers this "extremely cruel and unusual punishment" the next time he contemplates disobeying.  Our kids chose the consequences, after all.

Man, it's hard to enforce consequences when they are so crafty and cute!!  'Consider letting him be un-grounded'?!?!  They're little kids, they shouldn't know how to schmooze!!!  Cuties!

Groundhog

I am DONE with this winter!  Done, I tell you!  I am sick to death of all of this snow.  Especially when it complicates Caden's medical health check ups!

When we started this chemo last year, we needed to get blood work every week to check the function of his thyroid, liver, and kidneys, among other things.  This time, we were able to push it back to ever two weeks.  When I told Caden that he'd have his two-week appointment on January 27th, he got pretty nervous.  "Mom, I can't!  That's Finals week!"  It wouldn't have been Finals week, had we not had to take SEVEN Snow Days this year; they would have been the week before!  So I emailed Sue, asking if there was any way we could push the appointment back.  She said yes, and bumped it to today.

So when I woke to more and more snow coming down in sheets and sheets, and then looked at the road conditions from Home to Seattle, I felt my heart start to burn-- it was "cautious" orange all the way to Issaquah, with patches of deep red interspersed, meaning at a stand still.  That meant that 3 hours of our 3.5 hour journey would be stop and go, snow falling all around, conditions.  I immediately sent out another email to Sue, telling her all that I could about why it might not be possible to go today.  Here's the thing: her response was not a surprise--She needs to see Caden!  We need to make sure that this chemo isn't wrecking his body!  Just because we can't see anything wrong, that we don't have any concerns at this time (thankfully), doesn't mean that all is hunky dory.  However, she said that if it was just too dangerous, that we could push it back to Tuesday, if we absolutely could not make it today.  As I was telling Randy all that had transpired between us (all before 7:30am) he agreed that we just couldn't push it back again.  This is our son's health on the line, we can't keep pushing things back.  So my Mister grabbed all of his work supplies, made a few phone calls, and jumped in the driver's seat to take my place-- they're headed to Seattle, weather or no.

I have never had a desire to live in Seattle.  After three years of their traffic, I really have no desire to live in Seattle, or its outlying vicinity.  But, it's days like today that make me kind of wish we didn't live so far away from the one place that we need to be, our own grateful-we-have-it prison: Seattle Children's Hospital.  Maybe it really is time to move to Mount Vernon, after all.  It's only an hour and fifteen from the Hospital (traffic permitting), and it's in the same town as Ashlee.  Win-Win.  Too bad we love Richland so much.

I'm not sure which is worse: Anxiety having to drive in those conditions myself, or Anxiety knowing my men are doing it.  Come back to me, Misters.

If I ever meet the groundhog that predicted six more weeks of winter, I may just kill the stupid creature.  He is not my favorite animal right now.  Or ever.

 

Update:  They left at 8:19am,  made it to the hospital at 1:00pm, let the hospital at 3:30, arrived home at 8:00pm.  The roads were so bad, even 30 MPH felt fast.  I am so grateful that Randy took my place.  I'm also glad that they were able to make it to the appointment.  His ANC (immune system) numbers were a little low.  Nothing too concerning, Sue just isn't sure why.  Hopefully it comes up by the 17th.  Other than that, Caden is doing well.

It is speculated that since he hasn't had any side effects, and his hair has not started to turn white (she said it should have by now), that maybe the dose is too low.  She thinks there is a chance it may never turn white.  She's not quite sure, though; she's never had someone on this low of a dose before.  If things look ok on the 17th, we may opt to try a higher dose, and see if he can tolerate it.  February 17th will be a very telling day for us.  As long as we don't see a tumor or heart damage, I'd be willing to try just about anything to keep the cancer at bay.

We had ourselves a good laugh when Darwin sent me this picture...

 He gets me, my Father-In-Law.  This could very well be my favorite creature on earth.  Most likely.

My Misters are home tonight.  All is right in my world.

Saga

The saga continues....

1/20/2017- Approached, asked to show our home the next afternoon.
1/21/2017- Showed the house.  They stayed for 10 minutes.  Thought that was the end.  Put it from our minds.
1/22/2017- Verbal offer given and accepted.
1/23/2017- Buyer spoke with their lender.  Said he didn't see a problem moving forward.
1//27/2017- "You've got a deal.  Can we sign contracts tomorrow."
1/28/2017- Randy not feeling well.  Pushed signing to Monday at 5:30pm.
1/30/2017- Contracts signed.
1/31/2017- Paperwork to Title company.
2/1/2017- We put in an offer for the home that I was in love with from the start.  Verbal Acceptance.  Took kids to see it.  Prayers were offered for us to move into that house.  Tears were shed as they vied for which room they wanted most.  Debate session happened in our front room, with siblings debating why they should get {that} room.  We probably heard 50, "I hope we move to that house.  I love that house!"  Made me want that house even more.  I want to give my kids the world.
2/2/2017- Buyer's home went Under Contract this afternoon, despite their agent telling our agent this very morning she thought it would take three months.  Hours later...signed.

The only hurdle now is the appraisal of our home.  Since we are asking more per square foot than they usually go for in this neighborhood, it may fall through-- even though they are willing to pay that price.  I really want to be an answer to prayer for these Buyers, but I refuse to sell, pack, and move after living in this house for only six months simply because someone wants to buy our home.  It needs to be a blessing for us, too.  I'm going to sound very vain right now, but it's all about the money.  After all, 13 days ago, none of this was even a thought.  And each day brings this "dream" closer to our reality.  Can you believe it?!  Life is so surreal for us right now... In a good way this time.  Is this really happening?  Is this real?