Life Lessons

Tyson experienced one of those lessons in life that is so hard to watch.  He's been going to a soccer camp this week that is put on by Richland City.  He's had such a great time, telling me each day that he loves it.  When picking him up yesterday, I was happy to see him really getting into it, smiling, and cheering on his teammates.  There was only about 2 minutes left in the game, so I tried to capture a few pictures before the end.

There were specific fields that each team would play on, but it wasn't "official" by any means.  It was fun watching him always in the fray, trying with everything in him to get a goal.

It wasn't even a second after I took this picture that the Head Guy called out, "One Minute!"  At that instant, I heard Tyson calling out to a kid, "Hey, it's not your ball.  It was out on your team, so it's our ball."  The kids kind of nudged him out of the way and threw the ball in, saying he didn't care.  At this point, Tyson and his teammates went to the coaches of the Yellow Team, all telling them that it wasn't their ball.

*It should be noted that I have zero idea where the Red Team's coaches were.  That's what made this whole scenario so hard.*

Well, the Yellow Team coaches had zero ears for the Red Team, since their entire team was running down the field at full speed.  Tyson was screaming above all others, even above the din of all other soccer games going on.  At that second, the Yellow Team kicked it in for a goal as the Head Guy yelled, "Game Over."  The Yellow Team coaches barreled out of the circle of Red Team kids, running and screaming "WE WON! WE WON!! WE WON!!!" as they high-five'd their players.  The Red Team kids just stared on in shock, confusion, and disappointment.  They hadn't been heard, no one was there to stand up for them, they lost the game without coaches of their own to hear their pleas and dispute it.  As soon as the Game Over call was made, all kids run for their parents-- the day is done, the game is over.

As I watched Tyson grab his soccer ball and head over, I could see that he was really struggling.  If there is two things about Tyson, it's 1) He follows the rules to the letter.  He cannot stand if someone doesn't follow them to the exact.  He is a very literal thinker, barely able to understand some sarcastic jokes because he is such a rigid thinker.  Things are very black and white for Tyson.  And 2) Tyson wants to win.  He's competitive, just like me.  However, he wants to win by following the rules.  "If I do everything they teach me, to the best of my abilities, I'll really have a shot at winning!"  So this scenario pretty much put him over the edge.  He walked up and with a thick voice said, "They Cheated," and sank to the ground.  Burying his face in his arms, my Tyson cried over his soccer ball.

No one would listen to the Red Team.  They were forgotten and overlooked by the "adults" in charge.  They would have tied, but instead lost because a boy didn't care that it wasn't his turn to throw the ball in.  They had to watch as the coaches of the other team cheered on the kids that technically hadn't really won.  Had to listen as the Yellow Team cheer each other on a win against the team that hadn't lost a game.  I would have spoken up, but the game ended almost the exact second that goal was made-- there was nothing anyone could do.

As I rubbed his back and spoke softly to him, shielding him from view of his peers, my heart broke for my little Ty.  He learned a hard lesson today-- sometimes things don't turn out the way they should, even if you do everything right.  He also had to learn that it takes work to change your attitude.  He was so upset at first, and then MAD.  Blazing mad!  He voluntarily took a time out to cool off when he got home.  It still made him kind of choke up when I asked him how he felt just before bed, but he didn't let that stop him from having a better day.  My Tyson was the epitome of our family motto yesterday: Come What May~ And Love It.  Life was hard for him yesterday, but he got right back out there today, in the fray, following the rules, working hard to WIN!

Sneak Peak

Russ came down to join his girls for a weekend of fun in the sun.  He brought their two guinea pigs down with him.  We found Mira like this a few times throughout the rest of the night.  So sneaky, hoping to catch a glimpse of them, a bit nervous to actually approach them, cause they might attack her, that's why.

Art Show

Ashlee and her girls arrived on Monday night for a few days of FUN!  Tuesday night, after a day of park and pool, we decided dial down the fun with an art contest on the driveway.  It was a blast!  Here are a few of my favorites.

~~My Favorite of the whole night~

~ For Real, this dog is an animal! ~

Such a fun night, but we were missing the rest of the Burrell family.  I would absolutely love if I could have a neighborhood with all of my immediate family, extended family, in-law family, and closest friends.  That would be amazing.  The art we would display on all of the driveways would become a city landmark, I guarantee it!

18 Years of LOVE

It just so happened that our 18th anniversary was the first time all season that we were able to take the boat out.  I had been anticipating the first time we took the boat out without Randy's co-pilot, knowing it was going to be hard.  It was.  Very hard.  At one point as we were doing all of our previously learned packing techniques and shortcuts, I was near hyperventilating.  I missed my Caden more that morning than I have for a few days.  I kept wondering why we chose a day of celebration as the first time we'd go out without Caden.  I can't say that it was prefect, I can't say that the day of celebration was made better, or dimmed the hurt of going without Caden, but we did have a good time.  I always love spending time with my family. 

Since last year was our first year with the boat, we had gotten pretty good at doing things a certain way.  We now have to relearn a lot of it.  Caden was so confident with the boat, was eager to learn and just do, that we had a little harder time getting the boat launched.  Not much, but it was apparent that we will have to learn how to do things differently.  It made me miss Caden so much.  As we were pushing off, I tried to capture a maiden voyage picture.  My smiles felt forced then, they look forced to me now.  I was really hurting.  I'm still really hurting.

Caden would have been sitting at that wheel.  At one point I was at the wheel, giving Randy a break.  Driving on water is different, so it would have felt weird anyway, since this was my first time, but it felt weird knowing why I was driving.  It was hard to concentrate.  I just wanted to cry.  But I kept smiling, asking the kids if they were proud of me for driving them in such a great straight line.

 It was fun hearing the whoops and screams of the kids as Randy thrashed them around on the waves he was creating, but even that was another sore spot.  Because Brennon still hates the boat just as much as he did last year, only three kids ever wanted to ride on the tube.  We never had to switch out riders, we never had the arguing of who was going next.  I can't believe I'm saying this, but the lack of arguing hurt like mad.  I would give anything to have arguing over who gets more time on that tube.

So Randy stayed at the wheel, and Brennon and I stayed close together.  I was very proud of Brennon, though.  Expecting Brennon to say no, but still wanting to include him, the kids asked Brennon if he was going to try the tube.  "Only if Mom will go with me, and if Dad doesn't make any turns."  And so it was that Brennon and I got out on the tube for a few minutes.  I can't help but admire my Brennon's courage.  He white knuckled it the entire time, naked terror plastered on his face, visibly shaking a few times, but he did it.  My Brennon was a warrior on the water!

 Mira didn't love it, many times I swear she was more scared than Brennon.  This was the first time we brought her along to do more than just cruise the water.  Some of her whines were because she could hear the squeals of the kids on the tube.  She would be pacing around at Randy's feet and come barreling back and practically jump on my lap for a chance to check on them.  It was pretty cute.  We stopped doing as many circles to create bumpy waves when we noticed she, like Brennon, didn't like the cicles, bumps, and speed of Randy's driving.

During one of our bathroom/snack breaks, we decided to try her out in the raft.  Seeing her in her element protecting her babies, we decided to try her out in the raft.  While it wasn't her favorite, she did great.  Brennon loved that with Mira in the raft, Randy wasn't tempted to do a little free-wheeling.  It was smooth and straight, so he and Mira were happy.

Before getting the boat off the water, I knew there was one last thing that I had to do.  We had made the decision to leave something on the boat, something that we haven't decided if it will stay forever, or be moved to Caden's possessions for safe keeping.  But, for now, it's with us on that boat.  But it took some real courage for me to open the compartment that holds something that meant so much to Caden.  The license he earned the very day we bought the boat, the boater's license he got before his actual driver's license.

I picked it up, held and caressed it, and kissed it, silent tears falling while everyone was busy with other things.  My Caden was with us, but not in the way I really wanted.  My gosh, I missed him so much.  This was one of the Firsts that I was anticipating.  And it hurt just as much as I knew it would.  We had fun, laughing and commenting that the boat is one of our favorite purchases of all-time, but it hurt so much I wanted to scream.  It still hurts.  I'm crying as I write this post.  I just want Caden with me.  I want to see his hair fluffed up in the front from being wind-blown as he's driving.  I want to see the pride on Randy's face as he watches his son driving the boat, helping load and unload, and responsibly knowing all of the rules on the boat.  I want to hear the kids beg to be the ones that go with him.  I just want my Caden.

Life has taken us on quite the ride these last 18 years.  Randy and I talked about how much we've seen and done in such a short time span.  We've lived in four different states, each with its own climate.  Tropical Storm's that have buried a major city up to freeway overpasses, wind that takes the windchill to -50 more than once in a season, summers with the most consecutive days over 100, beating records that date back all the way to 1960. We've survived losing money in a Ponzi scheme, one where Randy helped prosecute a man and bring him to justice. We've owned a candle business, makeup business, food storage business, rental business, and most recently three different types of online business.  We've owned land in Island Park, ID, where Randy learned he loves investing in real estate. 

We've finished basements, gutted entire homes, built sheds, and done countless home improvement projects that make each house a beautiful home.  We've bought a HUD condo, and a home at auction.  We've visited more than half of all 50 states, even visiting three of the Hawaii islands.  Together we've visited 7 of the 10 highest ranked National Landmarks.  We've had our credit card numbers stolen, being charged for items we never got to enjoy.  We've had many different types of sicknesses that we thought were big (four kids with hand-foot-and mouth the week that Tyson was born), and another that will forever more top all sickness.  We've benefited greatly from The Ronald McDonald House charity, as well as the Seattle Children's charity.  We were sent of vacation by Make-A-Wish, as well as two vacations earned because he's made Presidents Club for exceeding his quota with GlaxoSmithKline and New World Systems. 

We've been the beneficiaries of COUNTLESS prayers and fundraisers.  We've moved 13 times, four of which these last five years.  We've owned a Razr, dirt bike, snowmobile, paddle boat, camper, and boat.  Randy has worked in jobs that he actually dreamed about in High School, jobs that he really and truly loved and loves.  We lost two babies before they were even born.  We have five of the best kids ever born, currently live in the home of my dreams, have been blessed with a dog that people wish they could have.  And the biggest trial through thus far: we've buried a remarkable child after watching him suffer beyond anything we could ever imagine. 

We have an occasional tense moment, but have never had more than a night of restless sleep being angry with one another.  We truly have the happiest marriage I have ever known.  I am more in love with him than I was 18 years ago.  I still look at him and think, "My gosh, I can't believe he picked me.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world."  

18 years sounds like a long time, the words spoken out loud make it sound like a long time.  But when I really think about it, it feels like only yesterday that I knelt facing my Love, promising that I would love him for Eternity, and sealing that promise with a kiss that I meant with my whole soul.  I truly am the luckiest girl in the world.

Day Camp 2018

I got to spend the last two days with Tyson and Brennon at Cub Scout Day Camp.  Tuesday from 8:00am-3:50pm (88 degrees) with Tyson and Wednesday 8:00-4:00pm (96 degrees) with Brennon.  I was a complainer, but it turned out alright in the end.  I survived the heat and sun.  Barely.  Here are a few of my favorite pictures from both days.

Tuesday with Tyson

 Monday had been overcast and raining, so the bugs were out in full force.  They all thought it was going to be just as bad, so they wanted their neckerchiefs tied around their mouths and noses.  They weren't nearly as bad (although I did sniff one up my nose holes and am convinced it's laying eggs in my brain) so this didn't last long, but Tyson held on longer than everyone else.  The bugs had the right idea-- blazing hot= stay in your homes.

 Obstacle Course.

 Wrist Rockets.

 Leather working.

 The instructor was offering a challenge to win an ugly bunny for the leather strap he thought was best.  He asked specifically for Tyson's name and Troop number-- he was a contender.  We found out on Wednesday that the boy that ultimately won is in our Troop!  We have some Leather Artists in the Hillview Ward!

The Wolves and Bears Skit: Each child asked, "What are you doing?" to someone pretending to sit on a bench.  After all but one kid was "sitting," the last child asked, "What are you doing?"  "Sitting on the invisible bench."  "No, you're not.  I moved that last week." So they all fell to the ground.  Cute.

Wednesday with Brennon

 Brennon's schedule was the same as Tyson's the day before, but for one station: Armpit Fudge.  All ingredients went into a Ziplock Sandwich back and smooshed together in the pits.  They then cut a hole in the corner for them to squeeze the fudge into their mouths.  YUM! {Insert deep gag here}

 Once their fudge was smooshed and sucked, they played a game where they had to "cross the river" stepping on a certain color.  The first person was told a color, then another.  The next kids had to follow on the colors without falling off.  Holding hands made it a bit harder, but much more fun.  The second boy functions at maybe a 4-year old, so they had the opportunity to help him keep with the colors.  It was a beautiful display of sportsmanship.  Very neat.

 Obstacle Course.  I'm proud of Brennon-- he doesn't like this kind of thing.  Like me, we don't like wet clothes.  However, the heat made me want to beg to be sprayed multiple times that day!

 Wrist rockets.  Those clouds look pretty, but had no value.  Not once did they shade me from the burning sun.  But they sure look gorgeous!

 Because one of the shooters broke the day before, one child had to with their turn.  Brennon offered immediately to stand back.  She gave him an extra incentive for being so willing and kind.  My mommy heart was so proud throughout the day as Brennon offered to do things last, or help everyone out, or cheer them on.  He really is a sweet boy.

The Leather Works instructor gave the kids some suggestions for what they could write on their straps.  One was "Zach is so cool," asking whom "Zach" was.  After two letters were done, Brennon went up to him, "So, how do you spell your name?"  He was actually taking the suggestion to heart, in hopes it would get him that ugly bunny!  So, Brennon's leather strap tied around his walking stick says, "Zach is cool."  I am raising that kid, the brown noser!  Brennon the Brown Noser.

I am glad these two days are over.  I am still not feeling 100%, most likely suffering from heat exhaustion.  Not really, but I'm a complainer, so I totally believe it!  I sure love these boys!  Especially when Tyson ran up to me in front of all other Day Campers and said, "Mom, I missed you today.  I love you!" and hugged me tight.  I met the eyes of a few other mothers, pride coloring my face into an almost-smug expression.

Mirrors

I love when I read something that I can relate to in a deep way, such as this:

"Just because a person's had a lot of birthday doesn't mean a person's old.  If mirrors weren't around to prove that I'm not twenty-five anymore, it'd be hard for me to believe, because I still feel pretty young.  It's a shock for me now to look in the mirror.  I hardly recognize the face staring back at me.  It's not the way I picture myself in my mind."  

We'll have been married for 18 years on Saturday.  

I still picture myself like this!

I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

Three-Way Tie

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

 Keilie got Randy the big card, but allowed her siblings to sign it as well.  There were only two rules: Their names could not be bigger than hers, and they couldn't copy what she'd said.  She joked around with Tyson when he began writing I Love You.  "Uh-uh, you can't write that.  I did, and you can't copy me, remember?!"  Tyson's face went blank, almost fearful that he'd done something really wrong.  Keilie really is so funny.  Tyson rolled his eyes with a little scoff and wrote it anyway, smiling at her playfulness.

We chose out a favorite of Randy's favorite snacks and treats for his "stash."  It was a low-key day, but we like those kind.  We ended the day with a trip to Caden's grave, but found out quick that dusk is not the best time to visit the cemetery that is adjacent to the Yakima river during mosquito season.  YIKES!  In my nose, on my skin, attacking us in droves!  It was horrible.  We're still learning when are the best times for pictures.

I love that I was born into a family with the Best Dad in the World, that I married into a family that gave the top spot a Tied For First quotation, and now have a Three-Way Tie.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Caden green heart Dirks

Keilie gave me a birthday present (May 31, when I turned *gasp* THIRTY SEVEN) that she didn't even realize would be:

An invitation to join her to Rock out with Magic Piano.  

Do you see whom she asked to join also?  Caden.  My heart beat fast, my eyes swam with tears.  He is still a part of our lives, still someone we want to join our games, still someone we want to have fun with.  He is still very much with us.

*Side note: as an easy way to find my family in a sea of texts, I gave them all a different color heart.  One time I asked Siri to call Randy.  "Hey, Siri, Call Randy."  "OK, Calling Randy red heart red heart Dirks.  I had to giggle.  Because I love him so much, he gets two of my red hearts.*

Fog

School let out for us this year on Tuesday, June 12th.  On Monday, Shelby mentioned that it didn't feel like the end of the year.  I agreed with her, not really understanding what made us both think that.  I wasn't completely ready for school to be over with the mounting pressure that comes before the release of school expectations, I wasn't completely excited for summer days, I wasn't dreading anything either.  I felt nothing, like it was just another passing day, just more days adding up without Caden and the feel of our entire family together. 

I have been reflecting over it for a few days now, and I think I know why.  It's because we are still on auto-pilot, we're still simply surviving, we're still in the haze and fog of grief and adapting to our new normal.  Nothing feels like it used to always feel.  Sometimes, everything feels like it's all just nothing.  Time is just moving, sometimes without us really being cognizant of the activities around us.  Finding Nemo's Dory has it right: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  What do we do?  We swim, swim, swim."  This first summer without our Caden, swimming is all we have planned to do.  Eight months, yet still SO surreal.

Fence

A few weeks ago, Randy decided that he wanted to sell one of our three rentals on Jason Loop to use the money for other business ventures he wants to pursue.  He put the sale on Zillow at 10:00am, had five calls before 11:00am, and had a signed contract by 6:00pm for more than he listed it, because there are so few homes on the market and the woman wanted the house.  She begged us to consider her, actually, after we told her we had other people that were asking to come and walk through it.  She will be very happy on the Loop.  It's pretty much the Loop of Dreams! 

As we were walking along the perimeter of the fence we built a few years ago, I mentioned that a picket was missing along the corner at the back that covers up the metal pole.  Randy said that after the second time of someone clipping the edge as they turned onto the drive, damaging the fence and driving away, he left the picket off so that the pole could cause damage to the vehicles that took the corner too close.  Mind you, this is also a drive that is reserved for Emergency Vehicles Only, not normal driving.  It's on a dirt path owned by the church behind the homes, not the main entrance to the Loop.  It is not expressly forbidden to drive on, but there isn't really an easy to to access it, so it confuses us as to why it even is an issue with the fence being damaged.  In fact, it was damaged twice within the first month after construction!

I find it so fantastic that we got a call yesterday from Alan about this very topic.  Someone hit the fence!  They were good enough to leave a message on the door, giving their information, which we really appreciate, because this was the scene we drove up to.

We're not talking about someone cutting the corner and clipping the edge!  That is some serious damage!  Our renters tried putting up a temporary fence and blocking it with their garbage cans to keep their dog in, otherwise the corner would be empty.  The guy's insurance is going to pay for it, and the massive damage to his truck and trailer, which we are super grateful for, because this is more than a picket.

We haven't had to even think about this fence for more than two years, maybe closer to three years now.  It just seems so ironic that the very week we had talked about wanting that pole to do a little damage if someone happened to run into the fence is the week that someone actually does.  I hope the fact that this is one of the biggest lots on the Loop overshadows the fact that she may have a few instances where this fence will need some repairs, seeing as we've owned the home for four years now and it's needed to be repaired three times.

Honorary

This week, Bishop Kreutz asked if we were planning to attend the Seminary Graduation, and if either Randy, Keilie, or I would walk to accept Caden's Honorary Diploma.  I told him that we were planning on going, and that yes, Keilie would love to walk.  It was a special night last night.

 It will come as no surprise that I cried.  I really try hard, consciously, not to be sad for the things that Caden will not experience here on earth, but some times are quite a bit harder than others.  Even though he technically would not have graduated this year, it was still bittersweet to hear two graduates talking about their future, and two Seminary Principals talking about all that they had to look forward to at not only Institute, but missions and family life (it was fun hearing him say "dating to play for keeps").  I can't help wishing that we could look forward to those things for Caden.  But I know where he is, I know what he's doing, and I can't help but look forward to the stories he'll have to tell.

2017-2018 Richland LDS Seminary Graduates, with one stunning Freshman girl holding an honorary diploma for Caden Randy Dirks, our remarkable angel in Heaven.