Viewpoint

I have been contemplating for a few months on how different the same thing can look at different times in our lives.  In this case, it's how different things can look in childhood as opposed to teenage years.  What used to be seen as difficult and silly all the sudden become desirable and sorrowful simply because of the time of our lives.  The child didn't change, only how we saw the trait.

Difficult to Desirable

Caden was always one that had to have things exact.  He didn't like it when things were out of place, didn't like it when things weren't done correctly, didn't like it when rules weren't followed.  So when it came to bedtime, he had to see 8:00 on the clock to go to bed without complaint.  With five kids under 8 years old, we were tired.  With five kids that all woke up before 6:00am no matter what time they went to bed, we were super tired.  Wanting some downtime without the demands, Randy and I set up a scheme to have one distract all of the kids while the other turned all of the clocks ahead an hour.  Sometimes an hour and a half.  For years we did this.  And then Caden asked for a watch.

Come teenage years, this personality trait that had once been difficult for exhausted parents became something that we admired greatly.  That boy was valiant until his last breath.

Silly to Sorrowful

Keilie has always done her own thing.  We laugh to remember the times where 3-year old Keilie lifted her chin defiantly and exclaimed, "That's ok, I like to starve," when we told her she wouldn't get any food if she didn't eat her dinner, and "That's ok, I like spankings," when she let us get to three.  She was going to do her own thing, no matter the consequences.

Come teenage years, this personality that we once thought so silly (yet difficult-- how do you discipline that?) has now become quite sorrowful.  We still do not know how to discipline, especially as we learn more and more about ADHD.  I'm reading more and more about how truly difficult it is for her to overcome her very nature, her mind that is always looking for stimulation, diversion, distraction, and excitement.  I can appreciate how hard it must be to recognize that the brain you have always had isn't grasping things the way it needs to, especially during years where you're trying out your wings and pushing the boundaries.

Caden and Keilie (the only kids we've had that made it to upper teenage years) haven't changed in their makeup or personalities, but how we view it sure has.  I'm struggling to know what to do, how to help, how to parent with patience right now.  It is a delicate dance that I feel all-together too tired and overwhelmed to stand up for.  If I'm being honest, if I had a choice, I'd probably not choose to attend the dance party right now. I'm here, at the Formal dance, in my sweats and a messy bun.  My mind still feels so broken.  I feel like maybe my kids aren't getting the best from me anymore, I'm just so tired and hurt and overwhelmed by my emotions still.  I'm truly terrified that I will never feel whole again.  

I hope that when my kids look back over their teenage years, they realize that I'm doing my best, that I only want the best for them, that I'm trying to give them life lessons at home to prepare them for real life, and that I'm still the cheerleader I have always been, screaming and cheering them on in all they want to do and accomplish.

Covid Competition Results

There has been arguing.  There has been screaming, both happy and sad.  There has been disappointment and loss.  There has been elation.  There has been laughter.  There has been bonding.  There has been Joy!  It has been the best half-year (yes, it's been six months)!!!

Our Covid Competition has come to an end with the beginning of the new school year.  Today was Tyson's last-ditch effort to try to beat Randy.  I was lucky enough to choose the last game-- Tenzi.  What was meant to be two rounds turned into 10 as we all laughed, screamed in elation, and threw those dice as if our lives depended on it.  We ended on the best kind of happy.  The Results:

Randy 69

Tyson 63

Keilie 56

Shelby 50 (she won six games today!)

Stephanie 48

Brennon 45

331 games in 24 weeks.  That's an average of 13.79 games each Sunday.  That's a LOT of games, not including the Pickleball that doesn't give points.  *Thankfully not a lot of Hide and Seek!*

Randy gets to choose the family movie (the kids are convinced he'll choose a documentary or a devotional) and Tyson gets to choose the treat.

I love that something beautiful started because of something so difficult.  A Sunday tradition has begun.

100% Organized

 10 days of work have brought us to this point:

It feels amazing to have the garage 100% organized.  I cannot wait for the cabinet doors to come!  I had a good time painting the door (I've now painted a door Wyeth Blue in the last three homes we've lived in), trim, and stairs, and decorating the entrance.  I found a "Mail" hanging thing to hold our keys and our sunglasses at Target.  I love having a place for everything.  

The objective has been met: We can indeed park all three cars in our garage with all of our other garage items!

Rage Inducer

 One of the most rage-inducing questions Randy asks is, "Have you seen my wallet?"  I have a home for everything but that stupid wallet, and it mostly because he is the one in charge of his wallet.  So when he asked me after already looking for a while if I'd seen in, my mind started going into overdrive.  We'd had people in our home, did they take it?  Could we have left it at a store?  Dropped it out of the car when we sat down?  We ripped our house apart looking for that wallet.

Turns out, I feel rage when I hear the question and rage when I find the wallet.  I have no patience after years of looking for this thing.  Rage.  Inducer.

Metal Mouth

 I asked Randy to take Tyson to the orthodontist while I organized some of the curricula that have begun to arrive for school from K12.  Just like Shelby, I expected braces on only the upper teeth and had him come home with this:

I am so glad we're getting this done now.  Three kids with mouths full of metal, all before High School.  Awesome!!

Old

 For the very first time this entire year, Tyson was the only child home.  It shocked me, actually, since he's the one that usually always gets asked to go somewhere.  While at the store to grab a few things, I accidentally walked in front of someone.  

"Pardon me."

Tyson: "Pardon me?!  How many old movies have you been watching recently?"

I was taken aback.  I have been saying that for as long as I can remember.  Apparently, I've been old for as long as I've been alive.  Who knew?!

Squirrely

 A friend came to visit Mira today!  She was SO excited.  The squirrel may have questioned the idea as soon as it saw how enthused Mira was to say hi.  It sprang to the top branches and chittered down to Mira loudly.  Mira didn't see it as a taunt but as a communication between best friends forever.

The squirrel has never come back.  I guess we need to work on our host skills...

Garage Shelves

 Randy sold his Amazon business to a family that is going to use it for homeschool Business 101.  This meant that our garage would once again be filled with normal garage items.  Because we've had prowlers in our neighborhood for the past few years (we'll hear about it from our HOA every once in a while, not every single night), Randy commented that he'd like to have all three cars parked in the garage.  With the current items-to-storage capacity, that was just not an option.  I put an idea to Randy, who agreed we could and should do something similar.  "Let's start right now!"  So Tuesday right before Lowe's closed (Home Depot had closed due to a gas leak in the area), Randy and I went to grab a few items to begin.

I find it funny when Randy asks me my opinion on building things.  We have a saying in our marriage that works well for us: "That's your department."  I don't ask him for schooling and medical appointments for the kids, laundry, dishes, or cleaning opinions, because that's my department.  I ask him about decorating opinions, but only after I've found two or more that I'm willing to do that he can choose between.  When it comes to finances/business, cars, lawn care, building, and general house upkeep, that's his department.  There are a few things we do together, but we mainly keep to our own departments for the most part.  It works for us.

For this project, like most we've done since the pandemic began, I don't have much thought beyond being his ever-eager helper.  I didn't really have much to do in the way of designing these cabinets, mostly just agreeing with what he thought best at the moment.  We had a general idea, but this mostly came together during the actual building process.  However, I do want to remember that I wanted cabinet doors that were flat and easy to prime and paint, thus cheaper, but Randy wanted the ones that would look better (which would also mean more meticulous work when it comes time to paint them), not really caring that we paid a bit extra since the entirety of this project would cost less than two garage cabinets that wouldn't give us full-wall storage.

This was one of those things that happened to work out that makes it seem as if we had it planned from the very beginning.  This cart was once a medical cart but has been his workbench for many years now.  Trying to reduce the space needed for everything, and wanting to keep all of his tools in one area, I wondered if it could possibly fit inside the cabinets.  We measured and realized that the cart fit perfectly, taking away a part of the organizing that I was most worried about: drawers for all of the small stuff.

Randy let me organize the drawers.  It was fun taking everything out and organizing each drawer from top to bottom in order of the importance of what we use most often.  I love knowing that everything is in its place.  Randy has so many tools (I love the ones that read Darwin Dirks!), it's nice knowing that they'll all have a place and they'll all be together in one area of the garage, behind cabinet doors.

Saturday night:

We have the cabinet doors ordered.  Not wanting to purchase any paint, we decided to use the excess main color we used for 2701: Chelsea Gray.  We had plans to use some of the shelving wood from another place in our garage but decided against it after Home Depot had already closed, so we'll finish these tomorrow.   This has been a massive undertaking these last four and a half days, but it's going to be amazing to have everything hidden behind closed doors, with very little left anywhere else in the garage and on the ground.  I seriously wish we could hide bikes and mowers behind doors.  Well, I guess that would be a shed, but we don't want to pay for the stucco to have it match our house, per HOA rules...

I can't wait to have an After of this project!

Keilie is SEVENTEEN!!!

 HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY, KEILIE!!!

Keilie had to work on both Friday and Saturday evening, getting off at 6:00pm both nights.  Her friends had coordinated with me to throw her a surprise birthday party after work on Friday.  Because she had to work during dinner tonight, we decided to do a birthday lunch: KFC.  We picked up a bucket meal and came home since the lobby is still closed.  She also wanted to spend tonight with her friends, too, so we did her birthday cake and song before work.  We're at that point where friend time is more important than family time.

*I love that she's wearing one of Caden's shirts.*

She has asked for a few years to get a mini-fridge for her room.  So we took the kids to Yoke's while she was at her surprise party on Friday night to stock her fridge and give her a stash of goodness.  When she got home from her party, Randy and I "helped" her take things up to her room to see her reaction to her gift.  She got home at Midnight, so when he saw it, it was technically her birthday.  SO FUN!!!

I still cannot believe that my baby girl is 1) 17 years old, and 2) a Senior in High School.  I can't wait to see what this girl does with this last year of High School, and beyond.  I love her so much. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEILIE-GIRL!!!  You are SOOOOOOOO loved!!!!!

Let there be light!

 We found a light we like for the front room.  After months of searching, we found it while at Lowe's on Tuesday night.  When we went to put it up the first night, we found that the install hardware was missing from the box (of course, it was after Lowe's was closed), so we didn't get it put up for a few days.  When we did finally get it up, we were both happy we'd made the trip to Lowe's!

It's small, but the six LED lightbulbs make up for it when lighting the room.  Because it is multidirectional and, it lights up the corners of the room perfectly.  It is so nice to have something that is so close to the ceiling, yet brightens up the room so well.  Because it's dimmable, if someone moved in and wanted to use this as a formal dining room, you could create the ambiance that some care about for fine dining.  Win-Win!

This room always felt so small, dark, enclosed, and cave-like.  Randy and I have commented many times that we want to just be in this room now.  It is so bright and light and calming.  I love it!

Bathroom reveal

 IT'S FINISHED!!!!

1 month to rip out walls, redo a ton of plumbing, and have someone come in and do all of the tilework.  2 months waiting for the glass to be installed.  Three months of baths.  WORTH IT!!!!!

I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!  Better than I imagined!

Remember

 Kids live here.

You're going to miss this.

Steward

 Last night, as we were going to bed, Randy commented on the softness of our freshly washed sheets.  I was telling him how much I love the feel when he commented, "Well, you haven't been a good steward of the sheets recently.  Did you notice how tangled the top sheet was, notice whose side it was on?"  I was struck instantly by his choice of words, Steward of the Sheets.  My heart once again swelled in love for him.  Isn't he so endearing?!  Steward of the Sheets, how adorable is that?  The exchange, that had me giggling last night and again as I'm writing this, reminded me of a conversation I had last week with our painter, Mario.

Mario commented that he'd been with his "wife?" for 21 years (he never said wife, instead saying that "they'd realized that they'd been together for 21 years because their oldest was turning 20 in a few days").  When I said that we'd celebrated our 20-year anniversary in June and that I couldn't wait for the next 20 years, he said, "Yeah, you just get familiar, don't you?"  That stopped me in my tracks and has stuck with me since.  I do not stay with Randy because he's been by my side for 20 years, because I'm used to him.  I look forward to the next 20, 30, 50 years because I find new ways to fall in love with him every single day.  He does or says something every day that reminds me and confirms to me that the choice I made on April 14, 2000, is still the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.  It's not because he's familiar, it's because he's the best of the best.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Sacrifice

 I honestly didn't know the sacrifice expected of each of the employees that work at Dairy Queen when we order Blizzards!  Keilie comes home with the front of her shirt looking like this every single day she works, not to mention the sticky ice cream marks all up and down her arms.  

An insider tip: Mini Blizzards are the worst to make (the cup is hard to hold and they always explode when mixed), Medium Blizzards are the easiest (the cup isn't as deep as the large, it's just the right size).

When Ashlee commented that she was saving it for later...

She is so cute.

I love my beautiful working girl!

Courage

 The Deacon's quorum asked if Brennon wanted to do a boating activity.  Because of his continued hesitancy with water and fast-moving activities, Brennon's first reaction was no.  When Randy urged him to go because he was recently called to be the 1st counselor in the presidency, Brennon reluctantly agreed to go, stating that he wouldn't get out on the tube, but would stay on the boat.  We got these pictures...

Kneeling boy on the right.

Kneeling boy in the center.

As with everything else in Brennon's life, he astounds me with his courage.  I love it when he proves to himself that he can do hard things.  I'm proud of my B-boy.  Don't tell him I still call him that-- it's still not his favorite.  Sadly.

Surprise!

 Remember when I said that Randy offered work to our painter if they needed it?  They showed up on Monday, ready to work.  So we had them start on a room that hasn't been my favorite since we moved in.  I didn't hate it as much as the orange room that we had painted last year, but I didn't like it.  And now it is gone!

I was on a walk around the neighborhood when they showed up, so they'd already begun before I got a good Before picture.  However, when you consider that the Before and After pictures are taken at the same time of day, you'll see exactly what I wanted you to see-- the perfection that is a freshly painted room!

Doesn't it look so much better?  It's not a hole any longer.  You'll notice that we don't currently have a light.  I'd rather have nothing in there than that old, hideous chandelier.  I am so happy.  

Because they had an entire house project fall through on Sunday night, they had plenty of time to do other rooms.  So we decided to do the walls only of our main area and upstairs hallway.  We couldn't afford to have them do trim, doors (we have 18 doors, inside and out), and bedrooms too.  We'll do that at a later date, especially since we still need to do trim in the Master suite.

I love pictures that show the lightening and brightening in progress.

Our house looked like this for two full days.  The house was picked up spotless before going to bed on Sunday, with thoughts of a nice relaxing Monday.  I woke, went for a walk, and came home to work already started, and Randy telling me we needed to get stuff off walls. 

It doesn't seem possible that there would be a light blue tint in certain lights, but it really does.  I love the color best in natural light.  With bright white LED lights upstairs in our no-window hallway, it does take on a bit more of a baby blue hue.  It's still better than the dark beige it was before.

They're going to take care of the speaker covers for us.  But I wanted to show the different colors that this house has had.  First, it was that dark orangy/peachy/beige color.  Then it became the beige we're covering, and now it will become the light gray.  I like to believe that we're making this home better with our choices, cause those two colors are hideous in my opinion.

The last part of our two-part project was the downstairs handrail.  Because it's seen from the front door and many angles on the main level, we only did this portion.  We'll do the longer upstairs handrail when they come back next time.

Tyson had been at a friend's house when everything was being finished.  He walked in and said two things: 1) It stinks in here, which it did because of the oil-based enamel paint they used for the banister, and 2) I don't like that everything is basically white in here.  The gray really is a subtle, light color.  What he doesn't really like, I love.  I want things to brighten up in here.  It makes it feel so much bigger, cleaner, and happier.

We're glad to give them work and wish we could have it all done at once, but we're thrilled at the transformation.  I'm also really looking forward to the day when we can have it all done.  I love this house so much.  It was my dream home when we moved in, and continues to become even more dear with each passing day and year.  We currently have lived in this house longer than any other home in our marriage.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to live in my dream home!

Mira Scare

 Wednesday morning, the second I walked in the door from my walk, the girls told me that Mira kept yelping for no reason.  As soon as she saw me, Mira would not leave my side.  I could see her anxiety.  It reminded me of the 4th of July, her anxiety.  She was pacing, panting, and wouldn't do anything for us, even if we had treats to coax.  In a panic, I called the vet to see if they had any available openings for her to be seen.  The only option they had was the admit her to the hospital side of the business, where a doctor would see her between patients.  At 10:18am, we loaded up our Mira for a day at the hospital.

I was a mess.  I wish she could have just told us what was wrong.  She looks happy above, but she was panting like I've never heard her pant.  She was frantic in her pain, and it caused me serious hurt to watch.

I called the vet for an update at 6:15pm.  They let me know that they needed a urine sample from her, but that she hadn't gone all day.  I questioned whether she would do anything for them and told them so.  They agreed.  "I'm going to take her out now.  Is there any way you could meet me here.  If she's gone, we'll send her home.  If not, you could try to get her to go, or I could send you home with a kit to gather it and bring it back."  I was there 10 minutes later.

Randy took her leash the second we got there, confident that he could get her to go.  He was right, the second her feet hit the rocks, she squatted.  However, the tech rushed to place the pan under her and Mira saw her move.  She jerked upright immediately and refused to even try again.  Randy wanted to make things as easy for Mira as possible, so we loaded her up, brought her home, took her to her spot where she peed immediately, gathered the sample, and then we drove back immediately while she rested at home.

Just a girl driving her dog's pee to the vet.

We came back to find Mira lying down for the first time all day.  She'd been given some anti-inflammatory medicine and was feeling exhausted from a day spent at the worst possible location-- the vet.  We were told to have her rest as much as possible, no stairs, no furniture, and absolutely no trampoline.  The girl wouldn't do anything other than stand, sit, or fight till she couldn't sit anymore.

Thursday:

She came to our room panting, pacing, and frantic as ever.  We could tell she hadn't slept much because she was already tired.  She immediately came and placed her face next to mine.

I stretched out my arm to pet her.  She fought the pain medicine as long as she could, falling asleep on my arm before finally laying down.

(Above) My arm is at the bottom right, her head is pulling it down with her exhaustion.

I noticed that she wasn't standing quite right.  Our Mira spends a good deal of her day laying down, mostly at the feet or side of wherever I am.  So to see her standing every second, many times staring into the middle-distance, it concerned me.  She had zero personality.  She didn't greet us with something in her mouth, didn't even hold things in her mouth.  Her babies and balls stayed in their basket the entire day.

I noticed around this time that it looked like she was losing strength in her back legs.  If she was on the tile, her back legs would slip around.  If she was beginning a walk from standing, her back legs would kind of lag and then drag.  This was a major concern for me, one that I was worried wouldn't ever resolve itself, something that we'd find was so wrong that her life was ending.  My fear was as intense as any of Caden's scans.

It was at this point that I called the vet again.  Because she didn't make a peep through their external exams, they didn't feel the need to do x-rays.  Thinking it was something internal, they did a bunch of blood work, but no x-rays were ordered.  We were still waiting for those results, but with her new symptoms that were coming out with each passing hour, they decided to have us bring her back to the hospital.

After another day, the vet called to say that we could come pick Mira up.  The radiologist hadn't read the report yet, but she did see that Mira had a previous injury that had caused some calcification on her hip bones.  If the muscles around were inflamed, they would rub against that calcification and hurt.  She was not sending us home with muscle relaxers and good pain pills.  Again, we were told she needed to rest.

Friday:

Mira greeted me with a shoe and her signature happy whine.  I was so excited to see improvement.  We continued to give her her pain pills, even though it looked like she was on the mend.

Fifteen minutes after greeting us, we found her snuggling with her baby on her side.  I was over the moon relieved!

Saturday:

Mira woke us with yelping.  We got videos of her back legs quivering and shaking like you can't believe.  We were a few minutes late with her pain pills, and it looked like her body was going in to shock, she was shaking so bad.  Her panting was back to what it had been, her anxiety just as high.  It took an hour of gentle pets, soft words, and quiet coaxing to get her to finally lie down when the pain pills kicked in.  She was pushed up against me so tight, not letting me stop my petting.  It started my day off with even higher anxiety than I'd had the previous two hard days.  She was worse.

Mira usually joins me in the kitchen while I cook, bake, and do the dishes, but she usually makes herself comfortable.  At dinnertime, she still hadn't laid down from that first drug-induced sleep.  At one point, she even walked to a corner, put her face up to the joined walls, and stood there.  I was a mess all day watching her suffering.

It was a relief to give her her pain pills again.  So many times I wished that I could give them to her earlier.  It reminded me of all the times we were frantic to find the right drug and dose for Caden's pain.  I do not like witnessing pain in those that I love.  After a day like we had, I was really getting scared that our Mira would forever be changed.  I was worried that we'd take her on Monday for another day at the hospital, that they'd tell us that something was terribly wrong, that it would be kinder to put her to sleep.  I was certain we were going to lose our Mira.  I poured out my heart in prayer, begging Heavenly Father to heal her, crying just as hard as I've cried during cancer care and directly after Caden passed away.  I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a long time.

The vet called to let us know that the radiologist found a few vertebrae that had spaces with too little cushion, that she could have a pinched nerve.  That would definitely explain the loss of strength in her back legs if she didn't want to move her back in any way to upset the pinched nerve.  If there's one thing I know a little something about, it's back pain.

Sunday:

Our prayers were answered!  Mira woke as if nothing had ever happened.  When Tyson told me she's slept on the couch, I was shocked.  When he told me she'd stretched from sleep with her front paws on the floor, back paws on the couch, and a good, deep stretch, I was stunned.  She met us with her baby in her mouth, happy, tail wagging.

When it came time for family games, she came to her spot next to us and laid down like normal.  Of course, it became adorable again.

And then she went into our tv room and did her cute rolling thing and I burst into tears.  Our Mira is back like nothing scary or painful ever happened.  All is right in the world again, even if we watch her closer than ever before.  And, really, is that such a bad thing when she's so adorable?!