Appreciate

Caden threw up his twelfth feeding tube on Sunday evening. This time, as I watched my son wretch, I felt a numbness overtake me. An almost of-course feeling wrap around me. Because, sometimes things happen that are so horrible it's almost comical. We'll see tomorrow if he needs to have a thirteenth tube placed. I'm past hoping it doesn't have to happen. If it does, we'll cross that bridge when we have to. I just hope the mom I have to be is a good one. Mean mom wasn't a fun role to play.

Monday night, sans tube, was an emotional affair for me. It seemed surreal to be sitting down to the table, as a family, eating dinner. All of us ate dinner. It felt so special to watch as my children ate, laughed, chatted, and asked for seconds. I felt a lump in my throat the whole meal. I am so thankful for my family. That we are sealed together in this life and the next. That these children have come to my table. That I get to fill their bellies with food, their lives with love, and their hearts with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. How lucky I am to be their mother!

After dinner, we left the dirty dishes in the sink and headed to the river to explore trails we have never been to before. 

I love nature. Look how huge this rock is!! Five kids and there is plenty room to spare. This was not the biggest rock we saw, either. 

I took a picture like this in Casper near the Platte River a few years ago. My, how time has flown. 

The weather was perfect!

We all needed a little help. 

I loved the trees. We talked about how they made perfect houses or forts and how we wished we could camp there. 

Randy thought it would be funny to fake the kids out by throwing them into the water. No one thought it was funny.   There were many tears shed this trip.  Brennon said, "He didn't scare me, he hurt his feelings!"  Oh the tender emotions of my sweet little Brennon!

Ma-lova!!

I love looking at water. I love living near the river. 

This one was not staged! These beautiful humans (Do you like that, Tyson?) are my favorite!!

By the end of our long walk, this little runner fell behind. I had taken on the position of caboose, so I was able to capture this sweet pose. 

Families are forever. It is an amazing feeling to come home after so long and feel as if nothing has changed. To know that even though things are not easy, are not normal, and won't be normal for a few weeks still, we still love each other perfectly. For Eternity!

Backside

While sorting the summer/winter clothes, I had Tyson try on a bunch of shorts from last year.  While taking off one of the pair it started to pull down his undies.

"Hey, I don't want to show my bad thang!" said in the cutest southern accent a four-year old can use.

Where does he come up with these things?

Current Challenge

After getting Tyson a little treat to head to a friends' house, he presented us with our newest challenge.  On the back of the Hi-Chew package it showed a picture of someone throwing their garbage away.

"Mom, this says that we have to throw our garbage away in a circle garbage can.  Where are we going to find one of those?"

Then, he saw the logo on the front of the candies.  Mountains.

"Mom, this says we can only eat them in the mountains."

What are we to do?!

Love our every-day challenges at home!

Hidden Treasure

On that Lagoon trip, many years ago, Jenni and I did not just go on the rides.  We went miniature golfing, played a few of the outrageously-priced games, and even went swimming at Lagoona Beach. Neither of us had change for the locker, so we decided to put our stuff in a locker, way off in the corner, cash hidden behind our balled up clothes. We had the time of our lives on the slides, enjoyed the lazy river, and eventually decided we'd had enough of a break from the rides, let's get back out there. As soon as we opened our locker, we knew something was wrong. Our balled up clothes weren't how we left them. We'd been robbed!  Well Jenni had been robbed. See, I didn't have a cool wallet. I didn't have one of those cute little bags that everyone wanted back then. I simply had pockets in my skorts (remember those? The look of the skirt with the convenience of shorts!) and a retainer case. At the last second, I shoved my last remaining cash in my retainer case before heading to the water.  It turns out thieves aren't interested in looking inside retainer cases for goods, who knew?!  I felt horrible for Jenni. My stomach and heart felt white hot for her. Of course we wished we would have taken a few extra moments to get change. The rest of the day was a little more muted after that. 

Our Cancer journey has been a lot like my retainer case.  Not everyone in the world has the opportunity to have a pink sparkly retainer case. In fact, those of us that have had retainer cases wish we didn't have to have them. We are a bit envious of those born with perfect teeth that do not have to have orthodontia from third grade to the summer before they become a cheerleader. Ahem, moving on... back to my metaphor. That case was plain, ordinary, and let's face it disgusting. However, if it had been opened and examined, looked at in a different way, a treasure would have been found, something unexpected and completely wonderful. As our journey is coming to it's end, it reminds me of our hidden treasure. 

Without this trial, I wouldn't have seen Caden's faith, courage, compassion, hope, strength, charity, or determination. I wouldn't have had months of one-on-one time to seriously get to know his heart, mind, and personality. I know him so well now. And he knows me. I wouldn't have seen the resilience of my other kids. Their strength during these hard and unexpected times. Their deep love for their older brother. Both Caden and Jesus Christ. I wouldn't see their courage as they watched their brother change from health to anti-health. Their compassion as they witnessed his feeding tube and not once made mean or embarrassing comments about it. I wouldn't have seen the MANY people come together to support us. The manager that gave a table of six a free meal. Who brought Caden candy, a movie ticket, and a free hour of arcade where he had a memorable experience of being the popular kid that won 7 times. Or the woman that saw Caden as we drove past her as she was coming out of the bank, followed us in to Safeway, told me she was stalking us and slipped money into my purse. Her son had been in the hospital for 114 days. She said he was all better now, running around a baseball field without signs he'd ever been sick. She asked Caden how he was doing, told him good luck on his last Round, and left without buyin a single item from Safeway. The money she gave was a $100 dollar bill. Caden asked if I thought she would head straight back to the bank. That $100 was used, in part, to purchase all those delicious calories from the vending machine last week. People have come forward and given us a beautiful memory.  One that rivals any artist's masterpiece. Something that we all can see, but also feel. Something that was hidden in a disgusting, ugly, no-one-wants "case."

Caden had all of his Scans and tests yesterday. Around 4:30PM the Doctors came in to give us the results. She asked Caden which news he wanted first, CT Scan or PET Scan. CT Scan showed that the tumor has shrunk. On February 7, 2014, the tumor measured 5.8"x4.17"x5.7". On April 22, 2014, the tumor measured 4"x4.3"x4.17". Still the size of a grapefruit, but downgraded from Large to Medium. She showed us how it is next to the major artery that delivers blood to the liver, but told us not to worry. It would be a challenge, but the surgeons at Seattle Children's do this kind of thing all the time. Do not worry!

The PET Scan showed the most exciting news of all. On February 7th, the fast-acting, rapidly-dividing cells around the tumor lit up like those of the brain, esophagus, and bladder. On April 22nd, there was no color at all. The tumor is dead. There are no living Cancer cells in his body. The tumor, while still large and ever-present, is dead. And scheduled to be removed in just  two weeks!!! All of his suffering, vomiting, days of feeling miserable, and time away from home, friends, school, and childhood have paid off. All of the hourly visits from nurses, doctors, and CNA's have born fruit. That tumor is 100% dead!! And just like David with Goliath, Caden faced his massive opponent with courage and faith, and won. The part of that story that I have never thought of till now is the fact that Goliath had to be removed after his death. Man, what a task that must have been. We'll face a similar task on May 7th. But just like that story, we are only going to remember his victorious battle, the one where he advances as champion. So... Here's to Caden, the extraordinary boy that defeated a monster!!!

Nostalgia

While sitting with Caden for all of his Scans and tests today, there was nothing to do. So...I did what I do best. Adored my kids' pictures on my phone. It's been a happy day because of this...

Um...I guess haircuts were the last thing on our minds. 

Not happy!

Much better. LOVE that face!!!

Once, when I was showing Brennon this picture, he said, "There is my tiger!" That is NOT what I see when I look at this picture. 

Love afternoon nap buddies!

Keilie's first daddy-daughter dance. She is so pretty!! Man, I love that girl!!!

Undies inside-out and backwards. Love it!

Shelby's eyes change color so often. Sometimes blue, sometimes gray, and sometimes green. I have always loved her eyes!!

What color do you like best?!

Brennon finally got on a raft!!!

My bobble-head sweetheart.

Telling me a story. Gosh, I love those lips!!

My little mother. 

Trying to smile with numb lips:)

Much better!!!

Brennon having Grandma Fuller tickle his back. For HOURS!!

Grandma Fuller has wicked skills!! She always got the kids to finish their food. 

Brennon playing "candy" with Grandma. 

"Mom, it stays in by itself!!"

Brennon's xylophone!

Not one of my kids, but cool just the same. This is a dummy they use for training purposes. It blinks, breathes, couches, and talks. It was pretty cool. And creepy!!!

I sure miss my kids!! I love them ALL so much. I can't wait until the time that I write about all of our day-to-day craziness again. And just get back to normal! 

Surprise!!!

Remember how just yesterday I blogged about leaving Cancer Care for the last time? I jinxed him...he's back. He has had a fever for the allotted 8 hour period, with it finally spiking at 7:06 this morning. The one difference was we didn't have to go to the ER, we just waited for Clinic to open at 8:00AM. This time we are on a different side of Cancer 7. To date: we have stayed on every side of both wings of Cancer 7&8. We have seen every angle the new building of Seattle Children's has to offer. I guess that is why we had to come back again. To appreciate every facet of the newly updated Cancer digs. I still like the view of FA.7.219 the best. 

With his admittance, a minimum of two days for fever, I decided to check out of Ronald McDonald House for good. We will hopefully be able to go home on Wednesday. And when I say home, I mean home. Glorious! I got a bit misty walking out for the last time. Room cleaned to perfection, void of all that made it ours. I put my whole heart into cleaning it just one more time. It truly was ours. I am SO happy to give it up, but will always remember that last look with fondness. I am SO grateful for The Ronald McDonald Charity!!

Caden has been feeling a lot more pain. Wether this is due to the pain medicine wean we have been doing, or the infection in his body making him spike the fever, we don't know. We're still working on his nausea as well. It's holding on a lot longer than any other Round. Hopefully that will go away soon. For now we're just hanging out at our old stompin grounds. Lame!

Tomorrow will be full of scans. He has a PET Scan, CT Scan, and an Echo tomorrow. Results will be discussed with Sue on Wednesday. Believe me, I'm peeing my little pants waiting for those results!! I can't wait to see the tumor after all of that Chemo. I'm hoping for a Miracle!!

One good thing about Clinic today was this bad boy!

This was as good as the smile got. That stache was sticky! And big! How does Burt Reynolds do it, I ask you?!

I love that he isn't too old for this kind of fun!

Ladies, keep the squeals to a minimum. 

Here comes the smolder...

Rawr!

Comfort

There is something to be said about the amazing feeling of comfort. These last few weeks have opened my eyes to the many things that can be taken for granted. Comfort is one of those things. Here are three of the things that have brought me comfort recently, that have me Thanking my Heavenly Father most generously. 

Home

Wednesday was an amazing day knowing that we were leaving Cancer Care for the last time. 

We packed our bags in restless anticipations and not-so-calmly waited for the nurse to discharge us. 

It was almost surreal to walk out of those doors and know that we would never see those nurses again. Half part sad, half part glad. We didn't get to come home to our real home, but the moment we opened the door to our RMH room...we took a cleansing breath. We were "home." Such is the blessing of RMH when you can't leave Seattle. I am SO grateful to have this home-away-from-home. 

Bed

After we got all unpacked, we crawled into our beds and took a much needed nap. A THREE HOUR much needed nap. As I was coming out of sleep, limbs and mind numb, I marveled at how comfortable the beds away from the hospital really are. And that we didn't have to worry about nurses and CNA's that were going to come and wake him every five minutes. The beds are not our own, but they were the most comfort we had felt in a whole week. 

Food

Oh man, this is a big one for me. This one has been ever-present in my mind since January 31! At the first of all of this mess there were procedures and tests that needed Caden's stomach empty in case of emergency surgeries. Remember, he had internal bleeding from that massive tumor. He could be taken back at any moment. This left Caden in a near-constant state of starvation. He never complained about the lack of food, but often fretted that he might not get a drink soon enough. He was just so thirsty. So, with all of this worry and food-less time, it's easy to lose a few pounds yourself. There is NO way I was going to talk about my own hollow stomach when he's the one that is really suffering. There were also many times that we would rush from one thing to the next, so it was often easy to forget the time and hunger. 

Since then, it has been easier to eat. And man, it's been fattening! Because, let's face it, when you are feeling the weight of such a monumental undertaking, the first thing you want to grab is not a healthy salad, but a big, fat, juicy, greasy Cheeseburger and fries. And the piece of Apple Pie or a carrot Cake that they have tempting you as you head to the cashier. This is Seattle, so of course they always have a salad bar. And, yes, like all-things- Green in Seattle, it's always over.the.top.  It's usually the nurses and doctors that eat it. You can totally tell who the parents are. It's not by the bright orange lanyards we are required to wear, but the total lack of healthy greens on our plates. We tend to go for comfort in our times of stress. Let's be honest, if there ever was a time to "live in the moment," or "eat, drink, and be merry," it's now. And salad bars do not make me happy. I used to really worry about my weight. I used to fret about the way clothes looked on me. Please, eat your salad and be sad! I'm eating me some COMFORT!! And it feels pretty darn amazing. Wanna bite?!

April 18

If it wasn't for the birth of my amazing husband, I would absolutely loathe April 18. Two things have happened on this date in the last 9 years that have made April18 a bittersweet day. 

April 18, 2005

After surprising Randy with the news of a Maui-baby, I was excited to welcome number three into our home. I pulled out all of the maternity clothes, started all of the Chinese charts, and read up on how big my baby was that week. It just happened to work out that the "heartbeat checkup" landed on Randy's birthday.  Awww, what a special birthday present for my man! And then came the biggest surprise of all..."There is no heartbeat. I'm sorry, but your baby died three weeks ago." And just like that the birthday  surprise backfired. I felt like the floor had fallen away and I was endlessly falling. This would be the first of two experiences. I made a surprise birthday party the next day after the procedure where I walked in pregnant and walked out not. It just wasn't fun. 

April 18, 2014

Caden has been eating like you wouldn't believe. With the calories that we could count, he was always getting more than 2,000. Add on breakfast, lunch, and dinner and you have more than 2,5000 by far. One night he even ate a family sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in 30 minutes. How's that for high caloric intake?! We were both convinced that he was going to walk in to Sue's office, get weighed, and then they would bring in Congratulation balloons and cheer that he wouldn't need a feeding tube ever again. However, when she said, "I'm sorry. He is still not up to the weight he needs to be at. He needs to get one today." the floor fell out once more on April 18th. I took it as a personal blow. Caden just crumbled. The perpetual smile he'd been wearing since being discharged on Wednesday, the happy-go-lucky boy that had made RMH fun, became angry once again. Sue ordered him a dose of morphine to maybe help with the pain. He said there would be no pain if he didn't have to get one. Sue asked him if he wanted to wean off of his pain Meds again. He said he wanted the choice of feeding tube, or no feeding tube. While doing the exam, Sue asked if we'd seen the double rainbow the night before. I commented on the beautiful weather we had been having. Caden commented that the weather would look more beautiful if he didn't have a feeding tube. And when the time came, he plugged his nose and said, "I am NOT getting that placed. I live in a free country. I don't want it, so I'm not gonna get it!" And it truly broke my heart to realize that I couldn't take on the roll of protective mom, but mean mom, instead. I sent the nurse to bring in another nurse to help restrain him. It was down to this, threatening. I felt like pawn scum! When Aaron arrived (yes, of course it just had to be his favorite nurse!) I asked Caden if he wanted me to hold his hand while Aaron held his head, or the other way around. He persisted that he was NOT going to do it, all the while tears are streaming down his swollen cheeks. Out comes mean mom's voice, we were wasting time. Finally, he just snapped. "FINE!" He sat up, balled his fists, and let her place the stupid, life-saving tube. He held his own head, he held his own hand. And I held back my sobs. I knew it needed to get to the point that he knew he could do it. But I hated that I had to push him to that point. Bully him into facing his worst fear. Failing him the first time was nothing to how it felt to push him to his breaking point. I am SO glad his stomach is getting more calm each day. This means that the probability of that being the LAST time he has one placed is very high. Thank goodness!!

If not for Randy, I can honestly say April 18th would be my least favorite day of the year. By far. No questions asked. That is my final answer. 

Moments

I am so glad we chose the medicine plan that we did. Even though he hasn't thrown up as much as the other Rounds, he has felt moments of nausea. I can't imagine what this Round would have been without the drugs. Because with as many as he's getting, still being able to feel nauseated, it would have been an absolute nightmare! So far, he's had three throw-ups and one dry heave episode this morning. Usually day six is regularly scheduled meds without nausea, so today's episode was a little unexpected. It must be the accumulation effects they've talked about. Who knows what the next few days will bring. There is no normal with Cancer. 

One thing that has been drastically different than all others is his eating. We have spent countless dollars at the vending machines trying to boost his calories any way that we can. With things that have an absolute count, he's been getting more than 2,000 calories a day. This does not include the meals that are brought to him. He just eats and eats. I think we both are more than determined to prove that he does not need that feeding tube. I can say with certainty that if they make him get it again, he's not the only one that will have a psychotic break. This is as important to me as it is to him! And just like the other morning where he did everything in his power to wake me without coming right out and asking, we've been walking around the halls at 6:00AM. It is a different experience walking when all is quiet and sleeping. It always makes the walk just a little sweeter when we can quiet our voices and just be together. 

It was on a different walk that I had one of the most tender moments with Caden. I will never forget the time he told me he wouldn't want me to take his pain. He told me he didn't care about the pain, he cared about me. This time his thought was promoted by another patient. Or patients. We've both noticed that there are a lot of babies this time around. It's bound to happen when you're on the birth-12 year old floor, but this time there are more. There is also a little girl here that I've loved from the moment I saw her just a few days after we arrived. She has been here every time we have been here and we've seen her many times at RMH. She is simply adorable. Her name is Stephanie but they call her Stevie. I could not be more proud to share her given name, she makes it look adorable. She walks up and down the halls saying Hi to everyone she meets. She knocks on your door to say her hellos. I don't care where I am in Caden's room, if I hear her coming, I run to get a glimpse of her sweet face. She was riding her bike, her mom trailing behind her with her IV pole, when Caden, thoughtfully, said, "I'm glad I'm the one that got Cancer. I would not want anyone else to get it. I would have a hard time if I had to visit them."  We talked about how different it would be for both of us. He told me that he would have had serious anxiety if he had to watch Tyson walk around hooked up to the IV pole. He actually got a little teary-eyed. We both did. However, it wasn't the thought of Tyson being in Caden's place, but that during a time when Caden was feeling at his absolute worst, surrounded by his absolute worst days, he was still able to feel compassion for others. He actually said he was happy it was him. Because he cares about others, not about the pain. 

Cancer is ugly. Cancer is life-changing. Cancer hurts everyone so different, those that have it and those that watch. It takes people that don't deserve it. It steals so much more than life. During these last few months, we've witness Caden suffer through the battle of Chemo. We seen his war, cheered each battle, and prayed for a victory over death. But, through these tender moments of conversation, when Caden's spirit talks to my heart, I realize something much greater. If Cancer were to take my son, like so many others that didn't deserve it, it wouldn't mean that he lost the fight, that Cancer had won. Cancer hasn't conquered his love, his compassion, his humor, his wisdom, his spirit, or his faith. It hasn't stolen his smile, his laughter, or the curiosity that makes Caden so wonderful. And just like the words from Cinderella, "And through it all, he's remained ever-loving and kind." Cancer will never win! Because Caden has already won. 

Distractions

After a great morning yesterday, and a surprise visit from the family, things took a turn for the confusing. Caden was actually pretty hyper when they showed up. He'd been excited for their visit, even going as far as getting his room "cleaned." It was nice to see him almost skipping to meet them at the elevators, exclaiming that it was the first time he was able to meet someone outside of his room. Outside of the Cancer unit, in fact. He was SO excited. He got his lunch delivered to his room (and ate it, which is a new thing for him) and then things started to take a turn for the angry. With the kids here, we took them around the hospital to show them the things that we'd found in our many hours and tours of the space. There are a couple really cool fish tanks that we absolutely love looking at. They take really good care of them, sometimes moving the foilage around multiple times in a week. One even has a hermit crab with a really big shell. However, when his pump started to limit the time he could be away from his room, he started to say he was just ready to go home. He felt trapped, and just kind of upset that he didn't have the freedoms that his siblings had. A saddness made it's way into his attitude that quickly turned to anger. He had hit a wall, he was DONE with this scene. After a while, it was clear that the visit was causing him more anxiety, so they left. This caused a new bout of anger, they got to leave, and he was trapped here. We had a good talk about why he needed to be, sometimes almost like I was talking to him, not with him. He was just mad. I got him calmed down, enough to suggest that he sit down and just write things that made him MAD. He was hesitant at first, but soon picked up speed. About half-way through, I looked over to see him crying once again. "I just feel so guilty complaining!" I'm not sure why I still am surprised by this boy! He has not complained once about what has happened to him. He has taken EVERYTHING in such stride, that it almost made it easier for me. And here he was, in a situation that none of us can imagine, going through something that only a few can empathize with, feeling guilt for taking time to simply write what made him mad. I told him that if he could only get it down, get it out of his system, he'd feel so much better. His list ranges from It makes me mad that I have Cancer to It makes me mad that they have a curtain in my room that curves instead of cuts straight across. I like straight lines. There were a few that made me mad as well, a few that I hadn't thought about, and a few that broke my heart. It makes me mad that I'm bald. It makes me mad that people stare at me. It makes me mad that the Doctors take away my choice with the feeding tube. After a good hour of me prompting, What Else? I could see another calming of his emotions. It was a day of roller coaster emotions for my little Caden. I feel like he experienced each from the spectrum. I'm glad, too. As life goes on, as we all gain more experience, we understand others a little more. We come to know how they feel, come to understand where they're coming from, and hopefully try to help them through their times of happiness and sorrow. Because of this experience, Caden is going to be able to empathize with others on a different level than most. He'll be able to help another child through their struggles, better understsanding their trial, and maybe make them feel a little better to know that he's been where they are. He has told me many things he'd like to do when this is over, to help lift other kids during their journey. They range from giving money, to donating to Ronald McDonald house for other families, to bringing activities to share, and other things like that. Even in his darkest hours, my son is looking for ways to lift others. Remember, he was the one that asked me to get Thank You cards just three days after his life changed forever. I don't know what I did to warrant this little boy coming to me on earth, but I will forever Thank my Heavenly Father. He is an amazing light. To the world, To ME!

Up-and-coming songrwriters, I tell you!

I'll save you the torture of yet another picture of our view. It's another beautiful day here! 

 Caden had a good night. I, on the other hand, couldn't quiet my mind. I was awake at 2:00AM when they brought in another nausea med, I woke to help Caden make it safely to the bathroom at 4:30AM, at last waking to the TV at 6:00AM. I rolled over to ask Caden to turn it down just a little bit. I think he pressed DOWN just one time, maybe. Still too loud, but I'm not the one with Chemo being pumped through me, so I allowed the sound to stay. Then comes the lights. On, off, on. I just rolled back over and allowed him time to play, man, I was so tired. Then comes the colored lights directly above my head. Blue, Red, Green, Pink, Purple, Orange, Blue, Red, Green. This time, one arm went over the upward ear, my lower ear was folded, and my other arm went over my eyes. I wasn't bothered, just tired. And then, muffled, I hear Caden say, "Mom, I just don't feel well." He was crying. This time, as I got out of bed, I didn't think about how dizzy I was, how I wished I could just be comfortable. I looked at him and just melted. He'd been trying on purpose to wake me (not surprising) because he wanted to spend time with me. I embraced him, telling him that I wanted him to let go when he was ready, I had all the time in the world. After a few minutes, through a little giggle, he said, "Mom, I'm sorry I got your clothes wet." And then we both laughed. My boy knows me! This time, I was happy for the wet clothes. He started to get a sparkle in his eye. "Mom, this is my LAST day of Chemo!" I know now that it wasn't that he didn't feel well, it was anxious energy about today. We both did a little (sitting) happy dance and made the decision to take a long walk to celebrate. We went to the vending machines for a drink. And the day has been getting better and better! He's joking, he's laughing, he's killing me at Skip-Bo. He's eating, he's painting, he's bright and alive. He pointed out three times during rounds with the attending doctors that today is his LAST day of Chemo. They all laughed and joked and enjoyed his effervescent happiness. Finally, finally they got to see the Caden that I know. The one that makes you smile with his witty comebacks, his movie lines, and his luagh. Today is an amazing day! Can you believe it?! At exactly 1:45 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Caden will be DONE with Chemo!!!! How happy I am. We've made up two songs already this morning. One titled "Best Round Ever," another title, "Last Day of Chemo." Look for them to top the charts next week!

Bumps and bruises

Caden had a good night last night. I like this new medicine schedule. He's been sleeping a lot more, which makes it pretty boring here, but which means he's not nauseous. I am supremely happy! However, it was NO fun waking to a loud thump!

Look at his forehead and you'll see the result. He is just SO dizzy!! I was wakened to hear his thud and calling for me to help. My stomach dropped as I jumped out of bed. My heart burned to see him struggle to move at all. I'm happy he's so drugged, but sad at the same time. He's so dizzy! Truth be told, I think we're all relieved the medicine is working so well. We'd all rather have him in a "medically induced 'coma'" than see him struggle to keep his food down, his tube down, and his body upright and calm after each vomit session. I just know to stay close when he wakes, stay near when he moves, and sneak an extra hug when I can. So far, I like this Round. Today is day two- the one he always feels the crummiest. I hope he sleeps straight through until Wednesday!! 

-6:30 PM Update-

I am obsessed! I wish I could take a picture of the view from our room every hour of the day. We got the BEST view this time. 

See Mount Ranier peeking in the back? One and only day in the last two months that I've seen it. We walked into our room Friday morning and gawked.  It was almost like we were greeted with an omen...It's going to be a beautiful Round!

I've tried to capture the colors and depth of the view for the last two nights, but my camera is THE worst!

I wish I could take a picture with my eyes. Because the view I see takes my breath away, often. And with as much sleeping as Caden has been doing (yay!) this view has been seen for hours!

 I can't help but think of the place we were when this started, till now. Snow was falling and fog was thick as I drove on that fateful day. My knuckles were white with worry for both my safety and Caden's life. Time has passed. We've watched as the snow melted, creating beautiful waterfalls through the lush canyons. We watched the transformation from dead to bloom. We've had many, many gray days that have brought us to more and more sunshine. I can't help but hope that this is yet another omen...Your son's life is going to be beautiful. Because just like this view, that would be a Tender Mercy, in my eyes!

A Plan

I can't believe that we are hooked up, ready for the last Round! Man, that feels so great!! 

 We met with Sue yesterday and have a plan. With our many moves over the years, I've always hated the time right before the final decision. The space that is left to chance. Once the final decision is made, the planning can begin. Our lives are back on a track. It may be one that is going in a different direction than previously planned, but the track is new, our journey is set. I love the moving forward feel of a new decision. I love the feeling of today. 

 Caden will be given a steroid that will enhance the performance of the nausea drugs. They will also be given at shorter intervals, so he will be getting medicine every two hours instead of three. This may make him more sleepy, but it will also keep that feeding tube and all of it's nutrients in place, hopefully. He will be getting a PET Scan, CAT Scan, and an echo around the 22nd. I will meet with Sue on the 23rd to go over the results and hopefully be freed to go home for two weeks instead of just one! I can't wait to see the results of the Chemo, I hope they are miraculous! I also found out that he will have an evaluation on the 6th of May to make sure that all is well and ordered for his surgery on the 7th. The suregery scar will look exactly like it does for liver transplant patients. My son will have the same scar as my little sister, Keilie, some 29 years ago. From side-to-side across his ribs and up his sternum. He knows this, but does not want to see pictures of it. I'm kind of glad. It's a pretty daunting reality to know is coming. He will be in the hospital for about a week, post-surgery. Then we are free to go home. None of this "stay within an hour radius of the hospital" stuff. We'll be free the moment we are discharged. I hope it will be for the last time!! I understand he'll have check-ups for a while, all of which will be in Seattle, but I don't mind the drive. If it means that he gets to sleep in his own bed, free from worry of Cancer, I'll take that 3.5 hour drive willingly. Especially if it's as beautiful as the last drive in. Stunning!! There is something to be said about a place that gets a lot of rain! His port will be left in until a later time. He will need to have it surgically removed, but that will be later in time; something that is out-patient this time. Yay! 

 For now, this Round, the plan is to stay for 5 days instead of only three. We've learned our lesson about being released too soon, we won't make that mistake again! Our plan is set, our course is plotted, our hopes are high. We got the room with the best view of the river and Mount Ranier! Things are looking sunny. Our plan is one of happiness, not fear! We are being watched over. Thank you for your continued prayers for us. We feel them. We need them. We love you!

-12:30 Update- 

Part of our plan made yesterday involved the feeding tube. That was he biggest stressor of round three. We told them that if he threw it up, we'd wait to place it again after his stomach calmed. That time came WAY earlier than I thought it would. Chemo was begun at 11:30. One hour later it's out. So now it's time for real food. And relief that he won't have it placed for a while. Man, there just is NO normal when it comes to Cancer, is there?!

-6:30 PM Update-

As I captured yet another photo of Caden sleeping...

A realization hit me. I've taken many pictures of him sleeping since this all began.

Each one in a different position. 

But each one for the same reason. 

He's escaped this harsh reality. 

His pain has lessened for another moment. 

His body is fighting even while unconscience. My son is ok for those brief few hours. He's comfortable. And it brings me incredible happiness to see him at peace. 

I've always snuck in to watch my babies sleep. Sometimes to glimpse the angel a three-year-old can look like. Sometimes to kiss away the tears I've caused in my hasty anger. Others to simply bask in the blessing of being a mom. Each picture taken of my sleeping Caden is a reminder of the hardships he's endure before each blessed release. They are the reminder scars after a hard battle. They are proof that he has fought a good fight and won.