Raspberry Blessings

Brother Salisbury reached out to Randy.  "When thinking of something I could offer Stephanie, I thought, 'I feel peace in my garden.' So, I'd like to offer your family harvest from my garden.  I have ripe raspberries, grapes, and corn.  You may even find some apricots.  Come and pick as much as you want-- I offer it all."

Randy was able to tell him that his offer was a blessing to us both, that he'd lost his job yesterday.  So, though he was thinking of me, he was also an answer to Randy's prayers about feeding his family.  We are the luckiest people in the world to have friends such a Mike!

50 pounds of Raspberries!!!!! 16 jars of jam that will last us more than a year! SUCH A BLESSING!!!

Brennon also captured this neat picture.  You know that raspberries aren't super big, so to see this hive and know how tiny it is was pretty amazing to see.
 

Bye, Permitium

 Randy woke to a request for a meeting with his boss.  He told me later, he knew exactly what it meant.  When he arrived on the Zoom video conference, he was joined by the HR woman.  He told me that he knew even more what that meeting would be.  He was laid off at 9:00am.  After three years, they finally admitted that Civil-- the division Randy was hired for-- wasn't going to happen.  They shut down that side of the company for good to focus on the other division that Randy had worked for three years to build while developers worked on his software.  They offered him 5-weeks severance, his boss said he'd be a reference, they gave us the laptop and monitor they'd purchased for him, and asked us to send back the literature and trade show equipment.

Two hours later, it was gathered, packaged, and dropped off at FedEx.  And now the real work starts for Randy.  His full-time job now is finding a job.

While it came as a surprise, it wasn't a complete shock.  He's been feeling a restlessness for a few months.  It's hard for someone like Randy to not have anything to do.  It's even harder for a salesman like Randy not to have something to sell.  It was frustrating to him that other people were, essentially, in charge of his productivity, since they weren't doing things as quickly as he thought they would/should have been done.  Three years, waiting.

Tender Mercy-- because of that restlessness and unease, he's already applied and interviewed with two different people with another company-- Authorium.  So, even though he was laid off, he already has a leg up on the job front.  So grateful Heavenly Father prompted and prepared him, and that Randy listened to those promptings.  So, there is a gratitude and peace where there could have been blindsided fear.  We are still being carried.  He knows us.  He loves us.  And we love Him.

Spiritually Prompted

 Preface-- I had been asked to speak in church a month in advance.  My Bishopric knows all about my PTSD and wanted me to have enough time to prepare, but also to back out if I needed to.  I had had many times of praying to know what to speak on, and many times where I felt prompted to go in a certain way.  So when I sat down at the computer on Tuesday, I thought what was flowing was divine inspiration.  I took 7.5 hours to write, rewrite, edit, and finally call it good.  I checked it off of my to-do list and moved on to my next project.  Because I knew Keilie was going through the Temple on Friday, I wanted everything that could cause me stress off of my plate, so I could use that day to get myself calm and ready for such a wonderful night.

While in the Temple with her, I felt a prompting to change one aspect of the talk just a little.  So, I sat down on Saturday to tweak the talk just a touch.  But once I had written that portion, I again felt like it wasn't quite right.  Because of that small little nudge, my PTSD went into over drive.  I started to really freak out.  I considered canceling all together.  I cried and cried.  I researched Conference talks, songs, and just prayed and prayed.  I took breaks from it all, and would rush to the computer any time inspiration came.  But over and over, it just didn't feel right.  I knew I was being guided, but I couldn't get it quite right.  Until I did.  Right before bed.  Last minute.  I was a mess.

As I made my way to church, I was so full of panic, I could barely see.  I walked into the hallway leading to the chapel and just cried.  I looked a mess (no makeup, hair in slick-back ponytail) because I couldn't really function due to the shakes.  I couldn't breathe for the panic.  I was well and truly terrified that I was going to pass out at the pulpit.  And then I saw I was the last speaker.  Kill me.  As I walked up the stairs (we sat on the second row), my knees were wobbling and I saw black around the edges of my vision.  If I had prayed fervently on Saturday, it was nothing compared to those prayers as I made my way up front.  I have never been so terrified in all of my life, because of the Panic Disorder that came along with my PTSD diagnosis.  It was awful.

"In many ways, I feel like this talk mirrors my life these past few months.  I had prayed and prepared for weeks, feeling guided by the Spirit many times.  I spent many hours on Tuesday, checking it off of my mind, but also allowing for continued guidance and revisions if needed.  It was perfectly timed for the allotted 10-12 minutes, as long as my tears didn't choke off my words or breath.  Life was calm, so like was great.  And then something I cannot name and never saw coming happened to upend everything.  My mind drew a blank and my body reacted in terror because my soul knows something is not quite right with me these days, but I have no idea what to do to fix it.

Like life, I come before you vulnerable and broken, yet trusting my Savior to carry me through this talk, and my current life situation, both looking so different from what I had planned, but with desperate hope that He will make me more than I would be on my own.

In March 2022, I bore testimony after and experience at a glass class.  I was given agency to choose what I'd like to make, as well as which colors I wanted to use.  At appropriate times, my instructor would hand me the molten glass on a pipe, guiding me with either words or actions with what to do, how to do it, and what to watch for.  He'd help me take my creation from the bench, to the fire, and back to the bench, where he'd tell me what to expect and how things should look at specific times, all the while reminding me to keep spinning so the glass would stay centered.

And then it was time.  I had listened to his instructions and thought I knew what needed to happen.  I had images in my head of how I would take the tongs, and with quick motions, would mold the edges into as perfect of a wave as possible.  'Ok, are you ready?'  I was.  As I was preparing to run back to the bench, the Master pulled the beautiful disk of glass out of the fire, turned the pipe upside down, and pumped it toward the ground, effectively creating the beautiful wave without me.

I came away from that day wondering how I could have misinterpreted his instructions so completely.  Face-to-face, speaking the same language, I marveled that I did not understand one bit what was about to happen.  As a testimony to myself, I told myself that I would work harder to listen more closely to the Spirit, which speaks the language of my heart but in a still small voice, but also would allow my Heavenly Father, my Master, to help shape my life to make my masterpiece more beautiful than it would have been on my own.

One year after this experience, in March 2023, I was asked by the Stake Relief Society President to mirror my own story to that of the Woman at the Well.  As I prayed and prepared that talk, I definitely felt guided by the Spirit.  While getting ready for bed one night, thoughts started flowing into my head, which kept me at the computer during quiet hours, a pure testimony flowing from my heart to the page.  I was captured by the thought of Jesus not having a vessel to drink from... until she came along.  Just as the night I sat in quiet reverence, my heart burned with intensity as I testified, 'Our Savior knows and loves each of us individually.  He is the Savior that leads and guides, walks beside, or carries us through our triumphs and trials, our celebrations and sorrows.  Because He loved me first, I want to-- and will be-- the girl that shows up with what I have when the Savior has need of me.'

And, interestingly enough, this very March, I bore testimony about not feeling hopeless because I know in whom I put my trust.  We had just returned from a paradise family vacation, which felt like the most beautiful tender mercy after weeks spent apart while I was in-patient.  I had come back home, but our life didn't feel quite normal until we returned from 90 degree days spent on the because to the magically mundane of work and school.  But as the days moved forward, I still felt stuck.  I continued to pray for guidance to know how to navigate this new Stephanie, the Stephanie I had become when PTSD altered my reality.  But the continued frantic and fearful feelings and confusion created because of my mental illness and breakdown made it harder and harder to know if the Spirit waas speaking to me at all.

In December, I was psychiatrically diagnosed with PTSD, but with that came Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Depression.  I remember (sometimes discouragingly), even now, who I was, who I have always been.  Because of my anxiety and panic, I felt extreme negativity where I once felt peace, hope and happiness.  Because of my depression, I no longer felt joy in my journey or faith in every footstep, nor did I feel the excitement and love of my calling or church attendance.  In fact, there were days (such as today, I added at the pulpit) where it was tortured getting myself in the car, it was agony driving, and it was absolutely heinous walking into the doors-- it does NOT feel good in this boy to come some days.

Because of my PTSD, I no longer felt safe in my body, in my mind, or in my life.  It was for these reasons I didn't, and do not, feel like me.  I didn't believe what my mind kept telling me, sometimes screaming at me-- this isn't me!!!-- but my body felt these things acutely, intensely, and violently, which both scared me and made me feel crazy at the same time.  Life since those beginning days has improved some, but this trial has been harder than burying my son who suffered and died, and harder than burying my grief so I could be fully present and emotionally available for my four that had suffered and lived.  Professionals told me, "Anxiety cannot exist in a calm body," and I was as tense as they come.  What a paradox I have been living to work to calm down!  But the biggest lesson I learned is how incredibly difficult it is to fell the Spirit in a body riddled with anxiety and depression!  I am still learning.

So, when Bishop asked if he could meet with me about a calling possibility at the beginning of May, needless to say, I felt like a broken, unusable, undesirable vessel.  In truth, it felt like perhaps my beautiful March 2022 glass bowl had become broken because I held it too tight in an attempt to prove to my Savior that I had learned my lesson.  While speaking with Bishop, telling him how crazy I still felt each time my body reacted in frantic, panicked, or emotionally exaggerated ways without logic or thought, my mind caught on President Kreutz's parable during Stake Conference in April.  If you remember, he spoke about the Japanese art form of Kintsugi.  Instead of discarding the piece because of flaws, mistakes, or broken bits, you actually accentuate these places with gold.  He spoke about becoming whole through the healing of Jesus Christ, not because you were perfect, without flaw, but because you were perfected through Christ's grace and love.

I had heard about Kintsugi manyyears ago at a Time Out for Women even.  Calee Reed told of the many trials she had endured, but which helped her to write a song called, Broken and Beautiful.  Quote: "All the scars and spaces, where the battles hurt me, let more Light in, flood me with Him.  I'll give Him what's left of my shattered heart, he'll piece it together brand new.  And each empty space that was damaged or dark will light up with His love and truth.  Yes, that's what His healing can do."

Bishop told me to take some time to ponder and pray about accepting the call to Young Women's Secretary.  As I reflected on President Kreutz's message, which felt spoken just to me at that very time in my life, as well as my two previous testimonies of letting Christ shape and mold me and being the girl that shows up with He has need of me, I felt, for the first time in a long time, the Spirit burn in my heart, telling me He knew what I felt, He knew HOW I felt, He knew.  And it was going to be ok.

With the image of my bowl borken in pieces on the table before my Savior, I imagined His hands securing one more piece to others rimmed with gold, building me bit-by-bit with His love, so He could use me just as I am, broken but beautiful.  Because of Him.

I would like to close with words of one of my all-time favorite songs. 'I will trust in Jesus, I will hear His call.  He will never leave me, even when I fall.  Jesus gives me power, lifts and comforts me, helping me to live and grow eternally.  As I walk with Jesus to my home above, He will bless me with His Spirit, and fill me with His love.  Change my heart forever and help me clearly see.  I will walk with Jesus, and He will walk with me.'"

Live Endowment

 Keilie and Dallin's Live Endowment Session

She asked ME to be her Escort.  My heart was so full when she asked me, and even more full when we arrived.

They will be Sealed for Time and all Eternity on September 6th, 2024 in the Saratoga Springs Temple.

It was special to wait for Randy to come through as Caden's Proxy on 11/11/2017, but it was even more special to see Keilie's face and smile as she walked into the Celestial Room.  As I swept her up in my arms, I just wept, it was so wonderful.  Both Randy and I felt Caden there before the Session began.  It was just a wonderful night!

Soap Lake

 We went on an RV adventure last year while the kids were at FSY, so when I signed the boys up for FSY, I also looked for an RV vacation Randy and I could take.  About 10 years ago, I took the kids to the water park in Moses Lake and ended up talking to a woman that said they were staying at Soap Lake and loved it.  She told me that Soap Lake is Washington's Bath of Jane Austen's time, that it is filled with healing minerals.  I knew I was going to go there someday as soon as she said Jane Austen!  So, without further ado, I give you my 10-year awaited vacation to Soap Lake.

10:45 am-- All packed up and ready to go.  Randy had an hour's long call with work during the drive, so we pulled into a large parking area and once again felt such love for our RV.

2:30pm.  An hour call and a 30-minute construction stop meant we made it to our spot a touch later than planned, but still enough time to make it down for some serious soak time in the Lake of Healing Dreams.  

I LOVE that this campground has hot tub sites!  It's also the first campsite I had ever heard of that had "Glamping."  They rent out TeePee sites with A/C, and two different styles of canvas tent sites with A/C, all with comfortable beds!!  They also have a cabin and normal tent sites, with a pool, outdoor games, bathrooms, showers, and a little store.  Upon entering and seeing all of the shade trees and well manicured space, I wondered if this could be the next location of our Burrell Family Reunion!  We set up our RV, made a quick meal of sandwiches and chips, and headed down to the lake.  I was near bursting-- Finally, I was at Soap Lake!!!

3:05pm.  There was a white crust on the top off the "sandy beach" area.  Honestly, it was like no other "beach" I had ever seen in person.  The first thing I noticed was the flies buzzing just above the crust.  Millions of flies, as far and as wide as the eye could see.  The next thing I noticed was the sulfur smell.  I had expected it, so it didn't come as a shock.  And, truthfully, it wasn't as "rotten egg" as the hot springs we'd go to in Wyoming.  But the flies and the scent were a little off putting.

And then we stepped on the crust.  It didn't hold our weight, and our feet squished down ankle-deep with a loud GUSH!.  As we pulled our feet out {que the LOUD sucking sound here}, I recoiled in disgust not just because it was warm, but because it was a green color.  Flies, smell, warm squish, and green got it stuck in my head that we were walking through a poop field.  Step after disgusting step, it just kept weighing on my more and more heavily.

And then we made it into the water.  The "poop" was even more saturated, that as it squished through your toes, each step sinking you deeper and deeper to no be calve-deep, that I literally (yes, literally) asked Randy to walk back to me and hold my hand.  We made it hip deep and looked back at the shore, knowing we would eventually need to walk back out.  It was so disgusting, so sensation-intense, that we stayed in for, at most, five minutes.  My hands and arms were aching, I was holding them so tightly to my chest, I couldn't even imagine putting them down in the water.  By the time we made it back to our shoes, I was ready to run.  Anxiety has never felt so intense because of physical sensation!

We made it back to our RV and decided to soak in the hot tub.  But... it was actually a tepid tub.  As we sat there in silence, every once in a while shivering because of our disgust, we both said, "You know-- we're not going back in that water, the hot tub doesn't offer any comfort, we might as well just head home."  So we did.  

Soap Lake is NOT a place I could/would ever recommend.  I'm so glad we went first, otherwise we would have had three families drive from Utah and one from Western Washington that potentially would have wanted to leave less than an hour after arriving!  It may be a lake of "healing minerals," but I'd rather be sick than soak in that ever again!!!

Mira on the Mountain

 Randy has been hiking Badger every morning for a few weeks now.  Today, he decided to take Mira.  Girlfriend trailed behind the whole way up, and lead the whole way down.  But she made it to the top!  Mira's showing her age more and more.  I'm glad Randy thought to document her hike!

We sure love this precious creature.  

FSY 2024

 FSY at Idaho State

Tyson & Ryan Mann

Brennon & Sean Porter

Tyson

Brennon

They both said that they liked this year better than last year.  I'm so grateful that our kids have these opportunities!  They cannot wait to go again next year!

Cousin Time 2024

 We got to have the Wilsterman's come for a few days between their Utah trip and Girls' Camp/FSY.  We love having them so close!

Poor Aria got a headache on a hike with everyone up Badger Mountain.  I love that her doggos stayed right by her side while she rested.

Isn't Austen the cutest, eating her noodles with chopsticks.  I just love her!!

We let the Hatfield's borrow our RV and Rzr for a family reunion they hosted at their home, so they allowed us a swimming party at their home.  Twice!  We got to love on their pups.

And they got to love on us.  Look how precious Reece is putting her paw over Ashlee's hand!

Brennon took some time to teach Everly some new skills!

He sent her home with the string.  I love that my boys spend time with their cousins, no matter their age.

Right before they left, I capture this hilarious picture!!  Austen is clipping Tyson's "large talons."  SO FUNNY!!!  Our house is always so loud and full when they come-- I LOVE IT!!!  Cousin time is the BEST time!!!

Tacoma & Gig Harbor

 Randy had a few appointments over on the Western side of the State, so I tagged along for a fun night out!  Tacoma & Gig Harbor.

At first glance, I thought this guy had been targeted by Angry Birds...

Bloom where you are planted.

Jellyfish as big as my hand, if not bigger.

I got to explore with my Mister and sleep in while he worked.  Pretty much the best thing ever!

BHS

 A friend posted a picture of her daughter in a cheerleading outfit.  Since the colors are those of our high school growing up, where we became friends, I assumed her daughter went to Roy High.  Then I saw the name on her megaphone and did a double take. Sure enough, I read it right...

Brennan High School

Caden's tent

Brennon is going on a Priest High Adventure in a few weeks-- backpacking and many day hikes.  Knowing he needed a light tent so he could have a light pack to carry 8 miles in, we pulled out the tent we bought for Caden when he was 2-years old.  

Since Brennon is quite a bit taller than 2-year old Caden, we set it up to see if it would work.  Caden's Dog got to participate in the fun...

{Edit 8/11/2024-- Sadly, the tent's 20 years made this the last time we could use it.  While cleaning it off after Brennon got home, the poles bungees snapped.}