Shaping

 I recently read a post from a girl who aspires to be, and considers herself an influencer.  She told of a story in which a man shapes and sculpts an elephant from a large slab of granite.  Astounded, those that admire his work asked how he had accomplished the magnificent feat.  "I just chipped away at anything that wasn't an elephant," the man had said, matter-of-fact.  She then goes on to mold and shape that story into what she thinks it means, giving examples of how we, ourselves, can chip away at anything that isn't what we want to become, making ourselves into whatever we are meant to be.  I don't agree fully with her.  While I have worked to gain attributes to become what I consider a beautiful soul, worked to make my own dreams come true, I have become so much more than I ever would have had I kept the "tools," or taken them out of the Master's hand to shape what I thought was meant to be.  

A few years ago, after the hardest of the hard was over, when it didn't feel as if I was burned and bashed any longer, I thought back on all that I'd been through and made a list of all that I'd learned through cancer care and Caden's death.  Many times throughout those excruciating years, I'd ask "What am I supposed to learn," instead of "Why?"  Because I knew even then that I was being shaped by the Refiner's Fire.  Even though it was a trial not of my choosing, I could still see His Hand in my life, leading, guiding, shaping, and carrying at times.  I was flourishing with new-found, hard-earned strength, deeper, more understanding love, and eyes to see.  Because the Master chose, not me.

And then PTSD hit me.  In an instant, my life was thrown back into sorrow.  It has been so, so hard, but once again I am looking for what He wants me to learn.  Perhaps I hadn't quite learned back then, or this was always meant to be my trial to learn something new.  Either way, I choose faith in the face of my fear because I trust the Master.

While at The Center, my mind kept going back to D. Todd Christofferson's talk, The Will of God.  I probably listened to that talk three times a week the entire time I was there.  Similarly, this is a trial not of my choosing.  However, because I am the one that is suffering while those that love me watch and support, I felt acutely that I had been cut down.  

Written January 31, 2024-- 10 years since Caden was flown to Seattle Children's.

"Dear September Stephanie,

As I look at my life over the past 10 years, I see wonderful growth in the way I raised my kids.  I became the shade tree that provided them a place to come to, a place to hide at times, a place to rest.  I can say emphatically and without an ounce of regret that I am proud that I was emotionally present for my kids in all the ways I needed and wished for as a child that had lost her little sister and became scared of what might happen.  Despite the struggle, I was accomplishing all that I put my mind to, all that I added to my plate, all that I expected of myself as I survived my grief with an imagined grace.  But that "grace" held non of the proffered grace of a loving Heavenly Father, my Master Gardener.  My life was all growth, but no berries.

When I came to The Center, I was ashamed of my pruning, seeing only stumps through my blinding tears.  But my Heavenly Father knows who I am, and what I am meant to be.  He saw what I was giving up in order to willfully pay attention to my perceived purpose instead of my true potential.  I know that He pruned me not to punish, but to prepare.

As I look forward with hope to be "laden with fruit," I can humbly, gratefully, and mindfully say, as Hugh B. Brown said all those years ago, 'Master Gardener, thank you for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.'"  

I am becoming what I'm meant to be because He knows and loves me.  It is not me that makes it a masterpiece-- it is Him, the Master.  I trust and I choose Him.  Always.