Dreams Come True

 Our day started with suit prep.  We made sure to launder and starch the shirt, press and steam the suit and tie, and polish the shoes to mirror shine.  I did one last tie-matching session with Jennifer and Rebecca at noon, to make sure that one of the six ties we purchased would match her outfit.  Or run out to another store, should none of them work.  Jennifer has two dresses coming from China, so she didn't wear her true Homecoming dress, but we still wanted them to match.  The sixth tie that we found was the one!  We'll do the same thing when her real dress is chosen.

 While Jennifer took her time doing her nails, waxing her eye brows, getting her hair and makeup perfected on her beautiful face, and generally doing all the fun stuff that girls love to do, Caden took three seconds to put on his suit and add gel to his hair.  Such is the easy, pain free life of a male!

 I quickly grabbed a few pictures before The Six showed up to begin their night.  I am supremely proud of myself for holding in the tears.  I'm sure this night would have been special had it simply been just "Homecoming," that I would think my son looked incredibly handsome in his suit, but to know what lay in store for him, because of him and those that love him, it made me look just a bit longer and adore him just a bit more.  My son is freaking handsome!!  I am one lucky mother!

 Rebecca wanted the boys to add one more element to impress their dates, so she asked me to pick up roses for them to present to their Beauties.  Taking it just one step further, I wrapped a silk ribbon around them-- Bachelor style!  I almost coached them to say, "Will you accept this rose?" but stopped myself.  I'm already the creepy, mamarazzi, cry baby mother-- no need to embarrass him further.

 Caden, Zachary Bagley, Connor McShane, Nathan Haggard, Zachary Graves, Jacob Kreutz

Wishing Spencer Hammond, Logan Powell, Mason McShane, and Bailey Stafford were 16!

 The only other surprise of the night for their Beauties was the rental of this Party Bus/Limo.  The girls were told to be ready between 4:30-6:00pm, and that they were caravaning to pick them up.  Little did they know that they were to arrive in such grand style!

 All of these guys are total studs, but my heart melted seeing my son's smile.  He is SO handsome, and SOOOOOOOO excited!  I don't think there was room in his body for nerves, only excitement could be felt.

 While they were driving around to pick up the girls, we rushed over to drop off a batch of fresh baked cookies for the dance party.  This is the scene we walked in to, knowing that Caden and Jennifer would be soon behind.  They were finishing up the final touches, yet it already looked like something out of a romantic movie.  Hollywood could not have done a better job!

They thought of everything!

They literally lassoed the moon for this night!

 Mike Stafford spent all night, literally, putting this backdrop together for them.  There is a platform to sit on, so that the couples could sit on the moon for their pictures.  And, who should be there photographer for the night?  None other than my good friend and personal photographer, Sunny Wright.  My goodness, so many people came together for us!

The dance floor, missing only 250 invited kids!  The entire Richland High School LDS Seminary was invited!  And, not wanting to spoil too much too soon, but almost all of them came!

And, because I can't help myself, we quickly drove back and waited across the street from Jennifer's home, all stalker-happy and giddy.  I contemplated buying us wigs and disguises, but I forgot last minute, so we just played it totally cool and watched Caden's face symbol driving from home to home on Find My Friends (a tracking app that we totally love), not creepy or weird at all!  I may have squealed as we saw the limo coming up behind us!

ALL THE HEART EYES!!!!!

 Once they picked up all of the girls, the limo driver was told to drive around, getting them back to the Ritchie's home at exactly 6:00pm.  Caden said it was fun, that they made music videos and sang, and just had a great time.  What a fun, just-getting-started time, the-best-is-yet-to-come time!

 We only stayed for just a minute or two to get a few pictures of them at the table, we didn't stay to see them even serve up the amazing dinner.  After all, this is a real date-- who wants their mother all up in their business, shoving a camera in their face as they take a bite?!

 As we were leaving, the DJ was just arriving.  My heart did just one more leap as I thought of all the fun yet to come in his night!

 While Caden was on his date with The Six, Keilie and I did a little shopping of our own.  And let me just say, I could shop for cute dresses with this girl all.day.long!  I could have purchased every single one she tried on, too.  Man, this girl is stunning.  She had her bestie, Rachel, come over and help her do her hair and makeup.  I remember that always being such a fun part of getting ready-- the excitement with friends.  One of my most memorable dance times was with Ashlee in our upstairs bathroom.  My hair was not coming together for Junior Prom, and it will come as no surprise that I had a bit of a temper tantrum and bashed my head a few times with my brush.  And then we laughed and laughed.  And my hair behaved, because of the bashing--I sure taught it!  Rachel had more success with Keilie's hair, and made it look 100 times better than mine turned out that night-- no bashing required.

 We dropped her off at 7:30pm-- the official start time of the Night Under a Thousand Stars Dance Party.  We grabbed Caden for a quick picture, giggling that we unexpectedly made them match for the night.  My goodness, these two are so cute together!  I love their relationship!

 We also took the younger three to see the event for a few minutes.  After all, this was all for Caden.  We wanted them to remember the opulence and grandeur that was pulled together in just six days, because of the love and generosity of so many, for their older brother.  It may not be as wondrous in their young minds as it is for everyone else, but they will never forget the feelings they felt on this perfect night of all nights.  It was a PERFECT night.

Randy and I came home and watched a movie with the younger three until their bedtime.  Once they were tucked in, we headed back for our last look-see of the night.  It was fun to stand back and watch our kids have fun with their friends.  The night was a bit chilly, but only to those that stood on the outside looking in.  Once on the floor, the sheer number of moving bodies made for a rather perfect temperature.  Like I said, it was a perfect night.

 It was about 9:00pm when we noticed a difference in Caden.  We could clearly see that he was in pain.  It's not as if he was super obvious about it, but when you've been watching him as closely as we have for the past few years, you can almost feel it yourself.  We took him aside and assessed the situation.  His pain was a six, he was really hurting.  When we suggested that he take advantage of the tables set out for those that needed a rest, his answer was an immediate, "NO!"  He didn't want to tell Jennifer, to do anything that would bring attention to himself and take her away from the fun.  While Randy was getting him pain medicine, I was recruiting his friends from the dance, telling them that they could join Caden in the house if they wanted.  And to the everlasting love of my mother heart, The Six joined him immediately.

Seeing Caden's brave face and continued radiant smile, the Ritchie's suggested that they choose a movie and gather downstairs in their theater room.  These amazing, wonderful, generous, thoughtful people spent hours and hours decorating out back, yet happily offered him a solution that wouldn't make Caden's pain the elephant in the room (or on the dance floor), yet kept the night alive for them all.

It was at this time that we left for the last time.  My Keilie was on the dance floor, along with approximately 200 kids (they had a guest book to sign in, but we know that not all signed in.  Last count was 186 at 10:00pm, so we all think it really is closer to the 250 count we had initially expected), shining and gorgeous as she accepted invitations to dance, while my Caden was surrounded by friends that knew he was suffering but not once brought it up-- they know and support him so well.  Keilie, please remember: It was not your beautiful hair and makeup, nor your perfect dress and matching shoes that compliment your skin tone so well, it was not even your gorgeous face that made you sparkle last night-- it was your bubbly, giddy, effervescent personality that drew your friends to your side.  You are gorgeous inside and out, my Keilie-girl.  Man, I love you so much.

Keilie left the party promptly at 11:30pm, while The Six finished their movie after midnight.  Caden said it was not awkward at all at the door, that it was a "GOOD" night.  As always, I'm glad I have a son, but I wish he was more like a girl in his story-recounts.  I want details, son, details!  He arrived home at 12:21am, falling asleep at 12:21:56 I'm sure.  Now that it has come and gone, I think we can safely change the name from Night Under a Thousand Stars to:

Night of One Hundred Thousand Dreams Come True!

Homecoming-- Ritchie Style

 Caden Dirks with Jennifer Elsberry

Connor McShane with Julia Johnson, Zachary Bagley with Mackenzie Ostrowsky, Caden Dirks with Jennifer Elsberry, Ashley Nelson with Zachary Graves, Megan Kraus with Nathan Haggard, Hailey Johnson with Jacob Kreutz.

More pictures to come.  I've taken the equivalent of 50 rolls of film!  At least.

Miracle Minute

"Hey, Stephanie, this is McKenna Wakely.  I work with Richland High School's executive council, and we were thinking of doing a Miracle Minute for Caden on Friday's football game.  Could you please give me a call back?  Thanks."

This phone call came on the same night as the call from Wendi, asking about a graduation ceremony.  I wasn't sure what a Miracle Minute was, so I was unprepared for the conversation.

"During the game, they announce that there will be a Miracle Minute coming up in the game.  We usually do it at the very beginning of the half-time show.  Kids run around for an entire minute, gathering donations from those in attendance.  Then we count it and write you a check.  We would like to save the front row (a first come first serve, much coveted row usually "reserved" for Seniors-- the pecking order is widely known) for Caden and his friends, unless you think Caden would sit down with the team.  Coach would also like to present him with an Honorary player jersey.  Do you know what number he'd like?  Do you think he'll feel well enough to come to the game?"

The emotional knot was lodge good and tight in my throat by the end of her spiel.  It took a few swallows to speak, when all I wanted to do was cry.  Sometimes I can't help but think, "After almost four years of so much generosity, surely we've exceeded the kindness quota!  Surely!!"

Caden does not like to be the center of attention-- he did not want to sit down with the team, but he immediately sent out a text to all of his friends, inviting them to sit with him on the front row.  When they announced the Minute, it was really cool to see all of the students screaming and cheering and pointing at him.  They knew it was coming, they chose to give up their row, they chose to spotlight him for that Minute, they made the night unforgettable.  The student body at Richland High, classes 2018, 2019, 2020, and 2021 will forever and always be my favorite students to ever attend that school.

Go, Bombers!

McKenna approached us shortly after the marching band performed, telling us that she could tell us the amount now, or we could wait to hear the amount over the intercom.  We chose then..... and could not believe our ears.

"$1,288.83"  

Gathered from those in attendance in just ONE MINUTE!

Homecoming 007 at the Ritchie's home TONIGHT!
Trek Family Reunion on Sunday night.  

Could this weekend be more epic?  

I think not!

Personal Trainer

When signing up for my gym membership, one of the options was to pay for six Personal Trainer sessions upfront, and save money each month on your recurring payment.  Since I am committed to taking better care of my back, I thought it may be a good idea to have one more person on my team of health care providers, telling me what I should and should not do, how I should and should not do things, and how to properly use the weight machines to strengthen and build my running muscles.  After all, my one goal right now is to run a 5K.  This may seem like a tiny goal to some, but for me, this is huge.  The Hunger Games are coming or the zombie apocalypse is upon us, my friends-- I am running.

Jamie and I have commented pretty much every day that we would never want to workout or stretch in the center of the gym.  You have your weight machines in one quadrant, your weight lifting benches and such in another, your racquetball courts in the third quadrant, and finally the cardio machines that we love rounding out the outer circle.  And dead center, is the torture zone.  It is full of exercise balls, kettle balls, mats, ropes, bars, and every kind of device that inflicts massive amounts of pain.

I am most certainly not the only member that signed up for the Personal Trainer sessions.  Oh, no, we have seen our share of patrons driven into a sweat induced frenzy out there in the center.  I told Jamie, "If I didn't feel that Personal Training could help me, there is no way I would have even considered it.  Who wants someone staring at their performance at slothful mediocrity?!"  Me.  That's who.  Apparently, I set myself up for a lesson in humility, because lesson number one will live on in infamy.  Burned in my mind and in the eyes of the smart gym goers that don't sign up for Personal Training.

I got to the gym today at 8:45am, like all other days.  I started by warming up on the elliptical for 35 minutes.  Then I did a somewhat brisk walk for another 30 minutes while I watched the clock like a hawk for my appointment time.  Even when I was in the same building, I couldn't allow myself to even show up for the appointment on time.  I was sitting in the waiting area 5 minutes before.  I am a freak.

She had told me that she would have a write up of exercises for me to do to strengthen my back and core, thus helping to fix my SI Joint Dysfunction.  Little did I know that she would have me work so hard, and that maybe I shouldn't have "Warmed Up" for an entire hour, pushing myself to beat my running times.  My legs were on fire before we began.  They were crap throughout the lesson.

"Kay, we're going to do 'Step Ups' now.  Hm..... I can't see the step I would recommend for you.  Oh well, we'll just try the next step up."

This is when my wimpy brain screamed, "I cannot do that!  That's as tall as my knee cap!  I just did TWENTY lunges, front and back, both legs, plus 24 squats while holding a massive ball!!  I just barely started working out like three seconds ago after basically sitting in Seattle Children's Hospital for three and a half years, I am a weakling!  Can't we just do the easy one over there?  The one that looks like a baby stair?"  I schooled my thoughts, bent them to my will, promised myself an entire box case of deep fried Twinkies smothered in milk chocolate when I finished the torture, and stepped onto that step.  Breathing heavily, body glowing from florescent lights radiating off of my torrential sweat shower, I lumbered up and then down off of that Himalayan mountain..... and my leg gave out.  Gracefully, like an empress swan, in the very center of the torture zone, I, Stephanie Dirks, fell from the step onto my workout-sore rear.  Not to worry, I did twenty more lunges, both legs, front and back, 24 more squats, and ended my workout doing 10 more Step Ups on each leg.  I got my money's worth.  Gold's Gym got an indoor pool.  Win-Win!

I cannot walk.  I have five more sessions.  I am a glutton for punishment.  Tell me: why did I pay for this again?  Right, right, right-- I'm a dummy.

Life Experiences

We believe that we come to this earth to learn, that the knowledge we gain academically, physically, and spiritually will be the only thing to go with us when we die.  So, as we are thrust toward Caden's finish line, I am desperate for him to have as many life experiences as he can, while he can.  In some things, we, Randy and I, are able to do them on our own for him.  Others are outside of our control.  But two women came to me this week, asking if they could help on two accounts: Homecoming and Graduation.  One I was desperate and a bit manic about, the other I didn't even think could happen.

I was approached on Sunday with a proposition that I honestly wept over.  As soon as I started reading the text, the tears came blindingly fast.

I have this idea that I've been thinking about for two or three days.  Just can't get it out of my head!  It would involve Caden's homecoming "group" and any and all of his friends who are older than 14.  So this is my idea...

This Saturday, I would like to host a dinner for Caden's homecoming group (traditionally a group of kids go to dinner at a restaurant or someone's house before the homecoming dance).  Then after the dinner, I would like to host a 14 and up dance party for any and all of their friends in the back yard on our basketball court.  I have hosted prom and homecoming groups at my house for Jacob.  So, I've got this dinner party thing down!  We also just had a grad party for Jacob with a DJ and everything.  It was SO FUN!  The kids danced all night until we had to turn the music off because it was getting too late.  I have a DJ that we really like.  I have lighting.  I have decoration ideas.  After the dancing dies down they could have an outdoor movie and roast marshmallows around the fire pit. 

I mentioned this to Jennifer.  She said it sounded like fun.  Are you guys available on Saturday?  Is this something you would be interested in?  You and Caden could help in the planning as much or as little as works for you.  No pressure.

We met that night to go over a few details, with me doing a fairly good job keeping my emotions in check (I was close to sobbing the entire 30 minutes). Rebecca has taken this idea and grown it into a night that that not one of these kids will ever forget.  "NIGHT UNDER A THOUSAND STARS"  All for: The Boy in the Bed and his Homecoming Girl.

On the same thought, Caden's counselor, Wendi, approached me with her own idea:

I read your blog and of course my heart is breaking.  I wanted to check in with you to find out how he is really doing?  Do we think he is going to be able to make it to Homecoming?  All I can think about is how I want him to be able to experience that!  And if we need to think of doing something "early" for him, I would love to start talking to the right people and making it happen!  I am not sure if he would want that or how he would feel about that, but I have been thinking about it in the back of my mind!

For the past almost-four years, we have been the recipients of numerous generous acts.  Countless.  Immeasurable.  In some ways, at certain times, it has been as overwhelming as his diagnosis.  When you are the receiver of so much unbridled love and support, it is hard not to feel a bit blinded by the gorgeous sun rays that shine white in your eyes, that break through the darkness threatening to crush you.  These women are radiant in their offerings, as many, many have been in the past.

When I told Wendi of Rebecca's epic party, she agreed that it was going to be wonderful.  And then she approached me with another life experience that she could give him: A Graduation ceremony.  I'm not sure of all of the details yet, seeing as she called me last night at 3:38pm, but I do know that we are going to shoot for the same weekend of Tyson's 8th birthday, and baptism.  If all works out, we'll have Tyson's baptism at 10:00am, have his birthday party at 12:00pm, and then Caden's honorary High School Graduation that night.  Fantastic! 

Can you feel it?  Is your heart not full?  The amazing acts of kindness that we have been shown will never make headlines across the nation like those recently with Hurricane Harvey (coincidentally in the city that Caden was born), they will never be something that goes viral or gets multiple likes and shares across multiple social media sites, but they can be felt deeply by those that read these words.  So many of you have performed some amazing feats for us, whether it be massive parties or humble and sincere prayer in your own generous heart, or those that lie between.  I will never be able to say it enough, in person or in text, or be able to fully convey my deep emotion of thanks.  But if you feel it right now, that emotion that threatens tears on your cheeks and a smile on your lips, you'll understand in small part what I feel when I think on what has been freely given so that my son can experience a few of those things that we are meant to learn while here on earth.  Those life experiences that enrich our lives and make life grand.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Hospice?

It was conveyed to me that there may be some confusion as to what "Hospice" looks like, how Caden is really feeling right now.  I'm not sure if it is a common misconception, or if it was my words that made it seem that Caden was bedridden and more "dire" than he truly is.  Either way, I'll try and clear it up now.

First: This is what Caden's insides look like from the most recent scans.  Honestly, I don't know if I can tell you what is new, what is old, or where they are all exactly located in each scan, but I can tell you that the dark, dark gray circles are all tumor.  They are the things your eyes are drawn to, the things that are stealing the life from my son, rapidly multiplying at an incredible rate.

For these, imagine that you are looking down his prostate body from his scalp to his feet.  They start at the shoulders and scan down gradually until his pelvis.  The bright white in the center middle bottom of these scans is his spine.  The top center of each is his chest down his belly.  The bright white ovals on the outer circle are his ribs. 

Also, as it scrolls down, imagine cutting an apple from one end to the other.  The side pieces are going to show a smaller portion of the apple, while the center is going to show the actual size of the apple.  The center is always going to be larger than the edges.  The same can be imagined for these scans.  We'll start to see the tumor, and as she scrolls down, it's as if she is cutting the apple, growing larger and larger, getting us to the center, showing us the actual size of the apple/tumor.

This was the first sight of a tumor

 This was the "center" of the tumor, the largest showing of this ONE.

 Below:  The right one has shrunk to an "edge" as she was scrolling, while three more show up lower in the body.  Remember, shoulders to pelvis.  Also remember to look for the darkest of the grays for tumor.

 Below: This is at the pelvis.  The white is his sacrum and hip bones.  I cannot tell you which is mass and which is bladder, but I do know that there are two tumors in his pelvis; one is dead because of the radiation, one is very much alive.  Both can never be removed, because of the nature of the pelvis.  These as well as the one directly in his liver, wrapped around major arteries and veins, are what make all 8 tumors inoperable.  If they can't get them all, they can't get any.

These next images are as if you are starting at his chest and moving toward his back.  Again, each picture is as if they are taking a layer at a time in pictures.  I can't remember what the actual cm measurements are, but I do know that the layers are super, super thin.  When we scroll through the scans with Sue, there are hundreds of these pictures.  We always try and take the ones that are at the "center" of each tumor.

Below: The top left tumor is the first one that we saw above. The dark gray in the center of his gut is the "indigestion" cause of his pain.  We were told to watch for this as a side effect of the radiation, but he was also told to watch for it whenever he ate certain foods that he loves.  Never did it occur to me that he'd have a softball tumor growing in his gut since June 7th, pressing on his stomach and causing the trouble.

 Below:  As we move closer to the back, you can see more.  We're moving more to the "center" of the "indigestion causer" and looking at new ones on the right side (left on the scan) and in the pelvis.  The only anatomy that I know for certain in this one is that the dark black is lung, the heart is in the center of his lungs, with the liver directly underneath.  As a side note: Because of the massive size of his initial tumor, it pushed all other organs out of the way.  Greedy monster.  When they took 70% of his liver May 7th, 2014, it opened up a ton of space that normally isn't there, so the liver regenerated to fill that space.  In two weeks.  He has a larger than normal liver, yet smaller than normal space for other organs.

When I look at these, I see the dark gray and feel sick.  I know that it can be overwhelming and confusing as to which is tumor and which is organ, but I look at it and see that they are all large (all bigger than an apple!) and already filling him up.  As of right this very second, there are 8 full-size apples- most larger -shoved in the abdomen of a 5'5" teenage boy that weighs 101.6 pounds, causing him pain at his belt line, and in his gut and back.

Second:  His outward appearance shows a skinny teenage boy with a bit paler skin and dark circles around his eyes.  If he were in a line-up, you'd never be able to pick him out as the kid that is dying.  Tired and in need of a fattening meal or two, maybe, but not dying.  He is more fatigued that most, but he was able to keep up with the other kids last night at his party (which sounded super fun and joyous from the family room, where the younger kids and I watched a show with all curtains drawn).  His appetite is pretty much non-existent.  Every once in a while you'll see him eating something, but usually it is only a bite or two, and only if it is something that he is known to like.  He is still walking around, although not for long distances.  He is on the couch, sitting, or lying down, about 90% of the day, unless he has somewhere he needs to be.  Even then, he's looking for a place to sit.  He just looks like a child that is tired.

Hospice is coming this week to start preparations for what is coming.  Like his appetite (fine on Monday, started going downhill maybe Tuesday, nothing on Thursday), things could take a turn for the WAY worse soon, and without much notice.  The truth is: Caden is dying, but it is a poison that is slowly (for now) taking him from the inside.  The poison will grow and eat and steal until something else can take it no more.  Sue cannot believe that he isn't feeling more pain, that he isn't having more complications.  It is all of the prayer, and I thank you!

They have given us no timeline-- honestly, they just don't know what could change, what will happen, or how long or fast it all could take.  Hospice could conceivably come to our home once a week for a long time.  However, at the rate of growth, we could see bowel and bladder restrictions, which would open up more and more problems and concerns, or we could see more problems with the massive on growing inside his liver.  We could see problems with breathing, as they push more and more up into the lungs, or we could see kidneys shut down as they get crushed and squished.  It is all just unknown and incredibly daunting and scary.  We just do not know, and limbo is a scary, scary place.

For now, we'll enjoy all days that Caden "thrives" on his constant "four-on-the-pain-scale" pain.  We'll enjoy the times that he joins us at the table, eating as much as he can of our shared meal.  We'll enjoy each smile, each joke, each laugh.  We'll drink in the sight of him in all of his remaining vitality.  We'll welcome in our Hospice nurse as a friend at first, and as a blessing at the end.  We'll plan to visit cemeteries and headstone makers in the very near future.  And I'll sit down, like I am now, and write words that I should never have to write, while my heart bleeds out of my chest into my sentences and paragraphs all about: The boy in the bed, the warrior and hero of my world.   

Dramedy

I once read that we have the choice of how to tell our story.  It struck me deep then, and has stuck with me ever since.  We, the Dirks, choose to live a Dramedy.  We look for ways to laugh, to find happiness, to stop being so sad.  Laughing helps lighten our back-breaking load.  Maybe it is Caden's personality, maybe he's learned it from us, but every once in a while, our story just needs some comic relief.

Last night, when returning from our dinner-only date (Shelby did not like that Randy had barely gotten home and was leaving again, so we skipped all other activities to be home with our whole family), Caden greeted us with these beauties: "What did one snowman say to the other?"  "What's blue and smells like red paint?"  "What did the red light say to the green light?"  "Why can't President Thomas S. Monson join Habitat for Humanity?"  I really don't know how he does it, this compartmentalization of cancer and normal life, but he did not seem fake, his voice and body language did not seem forced, he really was in a light, happy, joking mood.  On the flip side, my voice was too loud, my laughter too fast, my shoulders too tight, my eyes burning with shed-before-he-got-home tears.  Oh the actress I could have been!

Caden woke this morning with thoughts of a party.  He and Randy put together a text invite, passing around ideas for the body of the text.  When it came time to add contact information, Randy suggested he think of girls to invite.  You could tell he was nervous to invite girls, but that he really wanted to.  And let me just say, his excitement was infectious.  He was truly bouncing on the balls of his feet, smiling from ear to ear, glowing.  And then it happened-- the most wonderful thing in the world:  I jokingly proclaimed, "Caden is having a party and he invited girls."  Blushing, he said, "This isn't my first party!" and pulled me into a hug.  I held him long, but not long enough.  Never long enough.  That hug felt like a gift.  My son was excited enough to spontaneously hug his mother.

I wish we had accommodations to have every single one of his friends and acquaintances come, but we only have space for 10-- and even then, they will not all be able to be in the hot tub at once.  This party is just what we ALL need.  Who could have ever imagined that the day after our horrible, confirming news that we could actually be excited?!

And for those wanting to laugh, forced or not, here are the answers to Caden's comic relief:

"What did one snowman say to the other?"  "Do you smell carrots?"
"What's blue and smells like red paint?"  "Blue Paint."
"What did the red light say to the green light?"  "Don't look, I'm changing."
"Why can't President Thomas S. Monson join Habitat for Humanity?"  "Because it is a non-"prophet" organization.

Final Scan?

Check in time is 8:00am this morning.  He'll drink the contrast in his customary Apple Juice and then wait one hour to be brought back to IV, lab draw, and then CT scan.  They'll have time to grab some breakfast, but I don't think he even cares.  He's not had an appetite for a few days.  I think the biggest thing he ate yesterday was one fry for dinner.  The appointment with Sue is at 11:30am.

I cannot breathe.  I feel weak from my heart pounding uncontrollably out of my chest since 4:00am.  I couldn't fall asleep.  My Fitbit registered 3 hours and 24 minutes of sleep.  Funny thing, it showed me asleep when I knew I was just laying awake in bed for most of those hours.  I feel like I am going to throw up, yet don't know what I'd throw up-- I have as much appetite as Caden.  It is agony to wait for news that you know is going to stop time.  His symptoms are progressing.  My life is spinning out of control.  My son, my heart, my world-- they're breaking.

22 days until Homecoming.....

UPDATE:

Four new, large tumors, bringing the total in him currently to 8.  Every symptom he's been feeling for weeks, the ones that we could always "blame" on something else, are cancer related.  It was never the boat, it was never the fevered sickness going around, it was never the guitar.  It was all stupid, freaking cancer.  Three are inoperable, making all of them inoperable.  Options were given, then immediately taken away.  We left with only one: "We really like this Hospice nurse.  We called her for you.  She can take Caden.  You'll hear from her next week."  The fight is over.

The End.  Forever.

Counting

Tyson has made the comment a few times that he wishes he could just stop counting in his head.  I brushed it off for a while, but noticed that he was saying it more and more, so I asked what he meant by his statement.

"Well, I try and I try to stop, but I just turn around after thinking, 'stop counting, stop counting,' and start counting again.  I sometimes wish I could just stop."

So, I asked him to explain it to me, to show me.  Pointing at each knob on our desk drawers, he said, "Well, I look at things and count, '4.8.12.16.20,' things like that."

It felt like a jolt-- my seven year old is not just counting things, he's counting them in multiples.  So, I asked him to show me another, counting in a different multiple.  So he did.  My son has never been taught multiplication, but he sure knows it.

He did the same thing the other day with his reading minutes.  I expect my kids to read at least 20 minutes each day, so when he missed a few days of reading, I told him he needed to make it up.  In time faster than even I could come up with the answer, Tyson said, "Four days of 20 minutes equals 80 minutes, so I need to read for 1 hour and 20 minutes."  And I just stared at this child that understands so much.  He may not be as brilliant to others as he is to me, but this kid astounds me with his understanding of numbers.

I missed the sign up and testing for the Highly Capable (Hi-Cap) program in January, but not this year.  I fear that he'll surpass my understanding of math by the time he's in 4th grade!  Calculus?!  No problem, Mom!

Surreal

So many aspects of our lives the last few years have felt surreal.  One such moment happened on Friday, and I still can't get over the feeling.  It makes me laugh, really, but man, it felt weird.

Our Yukon is just 200 miles away from hitting the 250,000 mile mark.  That beast is OLD, well used, and loved.  Needing to get a few things inspected before they became a problem, Randy and I set out to drop it off at the shop.  We left at the exact same time, yet went different directions because of how we needed to pull out of the driveway.  Since there are multiple ways to get to the shop, I just assumed I'd see him there, hoping that I arrived first.  Competitive even in little things, I tell you.

As I was turning onto the street that leads to the on-ramp for the Interstate, I spotted a Dodge Charger, same color and body type as our own.  My mind thought, "Hey, that looks like our car," as my eyes traveled down to the license plate.  Reading the plate, I realized, "Hey, that is our car.  What the heck is Randy doing heading back to our house?!  We are headed to the shop!!"  All of this was quickly racing through my mind as my eye caught on the driver, waving at me with a big smile on his face.  And the surreal moment happened.  "Oh my gosh, that's Caden!  That's my son driving our car!   Oh, yeah, Randy's driving the Bronco to pick me up, since Caden drove the Charger to school.  Oh My Gosh, My Son Drove To School!!!" 

This all happened within a three second interval (it takes longer to write and read than it did to actually happen), but it has stuck with me ever since.  My son can drive!

Caden has started with a fever and throwing up.  His pain is at a constant Four, which for others may be higher, since his highest number given has only ever been an 8.  He's been on the couch all day.  His scan is scheduled for Friday at 8:00am, meeting with Sue at 11:30am.  Friday is going to be a very telling day.  We expect horrible news, we just don't know how horrible. 

24 days until Homecoming....

The Proposal

We found out that Homecoming is September 30th.  Less than 2 hours later, Caden dropped off his proposal at Jennifer Elsberry's home.  She wasn't home, which he was super happy about, since he wanted her to have to decode his name.  Everything worked out so perfectly, almost as if by design.  *Side note: if she would have been home, there would have been a doorbell ditch attempt.  I say attempt, because Caden said he wasn't well enough to run, so I would be the runner.  Totally out of shape/fat-because-we-partied-hard-all-summer-with-junk-food-of-dreams/sore-from-the-gym mother running away from the door?!  Not an ideal scenario, obviously.

Their school colors are Gold and Green.  He got the yellow roses and used green for the proposal cards.  Fun to add school spirit to this exciting "activity."  Go, Bombers!  It was also super relieving that the first place we looked for the yellow roses had this gorgeous bouquet.  I'm telling you, this worked out so perfectly.

I am really looking forward to their night.  Homecoming is awesome!  Please let him feel well!!

Compression

I started going to the gym the very first morning the kids went back to school.  I drop them off at their designated spots and head straight to the gym.  When Jamie and I went in late 2013, we were so close to actually running our first 5k.  Then Caden got diagnosed and all stopped.  Since I will not be "moving" back to Seattle, I decided that it wouldn't be a bad idea to enroll in the gym again.  I talked with Jamie about it, practically begging her to join with me again-- unfinished business, and all that.  I wanted the benefit of goals to work towards, accomplishing those goals, strengthening my mind and body.  I wanted the happiness that it would bring to accomplish my goals, and the endorphins coursing through my body after each run.  I hope that it can help me mind, body, and soul.  She agreed.  We've been going.  It's been awesome!

Night number one, I noticed that my calves, just under the backs of my knees, were sore.  And I mean sore.  Night number two, I looked like an old grandma.  Since my back has been giving me problems, I've resigned myself to resembling a 90 year old invalid, but this was ridiculous!  I'd read that compression socks could help, so I had Caden drive me to Walmart, then hobbled to the pharmacy to pick me up some fashion accessories.  That night, even before we left self-checkout, I graced the world with these beauties...

 Oh, yes, my friends, those are my sexy compression socks with sandals.  And when I walked into the gym wearing them the next morning (with my running shoes, not sandals, in case you were wondering), I did a sexy strut any actress would be proud to use down the red carpet.  I was glorious in my compression sock confidence, I tell you.  And let me just say, they.work.awesome!  I felt much better by the next morning, and felt amazing during and after that day's workout.  I am hooked.  I am a compression sock believer!

While sitting in Testimony meeting on Sunday, my mind came to a spiritual life lesson conclusion.  We've all heard the analogy of working out, and that it has to hurt and challenge you to make you stronger.  But my mind wandered to my compression socks.  To better help both during and after, my compression socks hold me close and tight, without slipping or easing up.  Like everyone that has encircled me during my strengthening!!  I have not felt a slip or a loosening of love, especially since his pain started.  So, to the amazing world of my immediate reality, I say:

Thank you for being my glorious compression socks. 

I am done looking like an old woman..... er......wait......um.....wow........never mind.