I remember where I was when my life changed forever, and not in the best way.
Roy Elementary Gym class.
I'm not exactly sure what the purpose was, but I was lined up to take down my weight and height in front of my entire class. You'd first step up to the wall to be measured and then step on the scale, with both measurements spoken aloud and written down. At that moment, in second grade, age 7, I first realized I was the shortest and heaviest girl in my class. And I felt ashamed-- fat and ashamed. That moment began the long road of self-loathing and embarrassment with my body. Cue eating disorder the moment puberty hit, and I felt, for the first time, the feeling of being seen as thin...
Fast-forward to my honeymoon. At that time of significant vulnerability, unlike anything I had known up to that point, I wore a bikini. Once. Without another soul but Randy around. I felt intense embarrassment but tried to hide it because that's what you're supposed to do-- be ok showing more skin. Even now, as I type, I can feel the fear but, most importantly, the shame. As married life progressed, my shame deepened. I was embarrassed that my body got so big during pregnancy, embarrassed that I didn't lose the weight before walking out of the hospital, embarrassed that I got so many deep, deep stretch marks, embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed. Then came the shame that I was too tired, overwhelmed, strung out, {this} and {that}. And then PTSD. You guessed it-- shame, unlike anything I had ever experienced.
I have worked for nearly 18 months on myself. All day, every day, I am doing things to heal my mind and my body. I have worked to change my own mind and to feel comfortable being me, the girl I am now. More and more, I'm becoming grateful for this magnificent body that houses my soul, this body that has kept me going despite my horrendous treatment of it, this fantastic gift.
When I put together my New Year's Bingo, I wrote a vague "Take a Risk" on my first square, knowing I wanted it to be a significant risk. I have little risks, like trying new foods and traveling to new lands, but I wanted it to be something that meant something huge to me, even if I didn't know exactly what at the time. Over the last few weeks, as I have marked off some of my squares or made plans to work towards marking others off, I'd look at that square, "Take a Risk," and wonder what it could and would be. And, just like that day in second grade, a thought entered my mind that has become just as much of a core memory-- Wear a Bikini in public.
And like that thought when I was 7, it's become much larger the more I think about it. Fear, you better believe it, at just the thought of actually going through with it. But also a sense of bravery. Because I know my why.
I'm not doing it because that's what you're "supposed" to do when you're married. I'm not doing it because I want to be attractive to others or because I finally feel like I am thin enough for everyone's approval, including my own. I'm not doing it to showcase my current health choices. I'm not doing it because my two impressionable sons will not be there or because Shelby will be, and I want her to see me as "hip" and "cool."
I'm doing it (I AM DOING IT!!!) because I want to prove to myself that I am not disgusting, embarrassing, shameful, or utterly unattractive. I'm doing it because I want to prove to myself more than anyone else in the world that I love myself more than I care about what I perceive to be the opinions of others. I'm doing this because I know that modesty is more than covering up; it's dressing for the right reasons. I'm doing this because I want to have an outward manifestation of the transformation I am going through thanks to PTSD (and I do mean "thanks!"). I want to change my own mind, my own core memory, about my body.
So wish me luck as I work towards the biggest risk I could ever imagine, a risk that has felt significant and life-changing from nearly my earliest memories. I'm going to pose for a picture on a beach or in front of a waterfall, with hundreds of people milling around, and then I am going to display that picture in my home, not to brag, but to show the world what I have been working on inside my own fragile mind.
THIS IS ME! I LOVE THIS GIRL! I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!
And just like that, my wish has become a goal because I've written it down and have realistic steps to accomplish it. I'm doing this. It's going to happen! (I feel sick to my stomach)...
