Daily Valentine

 While exiting Orange Theory today, a friend asked if Randy and I were going anywhere special.  I'm not going to lie-- I'd forgotten that today was Valentine's Day.  So, I told her, "I don't really care to celebrate some holidays because Randy and I do things together daily.  Every day is Valentine's Day at our house."  Here's just one example of how much Randy loves me.

I started to notice a difference in my PTSD beginning in December.  I worked daily to calm myself down, doing little things to soften this, unclench that, deep breaths here, slow down there, etc. But my nights were no longer calm; they were actually the opposite.  I was waking up clenched and sore and having worsening episodes of Sleep Paralysis where I truly wondered at times if I was dying.  The worst one was that I was awake enough to realize what was happening around me but not enough to make myself breathe-- I wondered if I'd suffocate while awake.  I couldn't make a sound, couldn't move a muscle, couldn't get Randy's attention to ground me and convince me that I was still alive in my body.  It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced, even if only for a few minutes.

Days before the episodes started to become regular, Randy was down in Houston for work.  While out to dinner with Jerry & Veniece, they were talking about how I was doing.  Veniece mentioned that her sister has PTSD and has had great success using medical marijuana.  On the morning of my worst episode, I made the decision to switch doctors (my current doctor talked down to me and made me feel like a hypochondriac) and asked to try medical marijuana.  December 15th, I got the confirmation that I was a candidate.  Because I was waiting for the prescription paper (to ensure that I was still temple worthy), I didn't go to our local Pot Shop immediately.  In all honesty, I was terrified and still grappling with my reality.

I finally got the paper, but before I was even awake the morning after receiving it, Randy had already gone to the shop to scope out what they had available and to ask questions he knew would make me cry.  When I heard what he'd done for me, knowing he'd gone into that Shop for me, I burst into tears.  He drove me there while I cried in the front seat.  "What is this life?!"  He held my hand as we walked to the front door.  He ushered me in as I took in the darkened sights and skunk smells that enveloped us while I silently freaked out.  And my Mister handed over cash to purchase marijuana for me.  That is the Valentine that I have.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So, no, we are not doing anything special for Valentine's Day because every day that he continues to choose me is better than any day that the world sets aside to celebrate love.  Every day is special at our house.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I'm Randy Dirks' Valentine.

p.s. Since taking my first gummy, my life has been transformed.  I feel like myself again, better than even pre-care care Stephanie (remember how tired she was after having 5 kids and a husband that traveled extensively?!).  Not only do I sleep better at night, but my days are more calm as well.  I used to yawn or gasp for breath for HOURS every. single. day (effects of my brain/body break and screwed up autonomic system)-- no more.  I am completely 100% off of my depression/anxiety meds (I knew that if I could get good rest, I'd feel better than ever!), as well as all caffeine, and I no longer feel like I need to sleep for years to feel normal.  I still see evidence of PTSD, which can still be very discouraging, but because of how everything is right now, my learned skills actually work.  I am so, so grateful for the Lord's timing in all of this.  I was drowning, but now I am resting safely on the beach, in the sun, and loving life.