Change of Mind

I was just a baby when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer.  35 years and four additional daughters later, he is still cancer free.  I've said it before: My Dad is a miracle.  I have personal, living proof that cancer does not take everyone.  That someone that has had cancer can live a full, meaningful, wonderful life.

And yet...

Why do I feel dread thinking of the next five years of scans?  Why do I have it in my head that someday soon we will be headed back to cancer care?  Why do I hope for milestones in his life, still watching closely to everything he does?  Why do I still have such a pull to keep my kids super close?  I think it has something to do with the 3mm tumor that we found on his lungs.  Unlike my Dad, Caden's cancer has come back. 

How do I change my mind?  How do I change the "Probably" to "Probably not"?   I guess it will be the same answer as it is to many different questions: Time.

I have another personal, living example that brings me hope: My Mom.  Not only did she witness her best friend and Eternal Companion suffer greatly then struggle to recover, she has since buried a child, and mother, and been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 55 (after a heinous year of misdiagnosed Type 2).  And yet, through it all, she is the most generous, grateful person I know.

I have been blessed with wonderful parents, grandparents, in-laws, and children.  With an entire family, really!  I am the luckiest person I know.  But, in all honesty, I wish I could change my mind.  I would never wish to have the trial of Caden's cancer erased, but I would love to stop my mind from the thoughts, emotions, and memories that continue to cause me pain.  I've said it before:

Cancer Sucks.