Worst Fears

At dinner last night, our conversation starter question (Thank you, Emily, for sure a great Christmas gift that keeps on giving!) was: What is your greatest fear.  There was a pause as well all thought of our answers.  While discussing it, it was discovered that we have all lived, and survived so far, our greatest fear.  We sat around talking, laughing, and crying about our memories of having Caden, and losing him. 

Keilie opened up more to us last night than she ever has before.  She's been opening up a little bit more about him the last couple of weeks, actually.  At the back-to-school dance last week, she told me that Caden was always such a good example by always being one of the boys that always asked girls to dance for every slow song.  She loved the memories of him always asking her, and how he was such a good big brother.

Last night she confided that she feels as if she needs to tell Caden that she's sorry.  She's not sure what for, but she told us that she's prayed many times that Heavenly Father will let him know she's sorry.  I suspect she feels guilt that she is alive.  We were able to talk about that, even joking that she probably feels sorry that she didn't love his Bronco as much as he did, and she's sorry she complained so openly about it.  It was fun to laugh with tears streaming down our cheeks.

She also told us she feels a little responsible for it all.  My thoughts immediately thought about how children of divorce always feel responsible.  Trauma like we have all experienced is going to have fears come to the forefront that seem unreasonable, but feel so, so real.  We were able to talk through that as well.

The neat thing about this conversation question is that I didn't quickly choose one off the top, like I always do.  I kind of dug around for the "perfect" one, not even realizing that the one I chose was going to be so needed for that night. 

Becoming vulnerable in front of others can be a very scary thing.  But last night, as we all cried and expressed our feelings, it was the most beautiful thing in the world.  I hope we can have many more nights like this one, where we grow together in our sorrow and joy, and the shared love of The Boy in the Bed.