Family Party

Family Parties are my favorite!  We missed Ashlee, who traveled down a few days later after being home from Utah for only a few days, but it was fun to laugh and play together.  It was also special to have Grandma Fuller join us, who is the last of my living grandparents, not including in-laws.

 Drew kept grabbing my Dad's finger and leading him around.  No real destination in mind, just leading him along.  Can you get any cuter?  No.  No you cannot.

I love spending time with family!

Albert Wayne Kimber

My Grandpa passed away last night. On the 4th. 10 months, to the day, after Caden. It was very difficult to see him surrounded by all of the hospital equipment. But it was SO special that I was down in Utah when I was. Tender Mercy.

We arrived on Wednesday night and started hanging one corner cabinet. Thursday morning we got a call from my mom— Grandpa was nearly-unresponsive. Danielle and I rushed over. I got to see my Grandpa’s  smiling eyes and hear him tell me one more time that he loves me. Grandpa Kimber has always held a special place in my heart. Now he is with the love of his life, my sweet Grandmother that unexpectedly passed away eight years ago, my sister, and my son, in heaven. It brings tears to my eyes to imagine the reunion between them, and so many others.

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I will see them again. I love you, Grandpa Kimber. Give an extra kiss to Caden, for me.

Teancum Timbers

LDS Camp- Teancum Timbers

July 20-21, 2018

Dirks & Burch's

Amazing campsite.

Amazing food.

Amazing friendships.

(Watching speedy and slow-motion videos Jamie took of them running, jumping, and dancing.)

Amazing views.

Amazing weekend. 

We had this much fun!

Next up (if we have time this season)... Camp Zarahemla, or our favorite, Ensign Ranch!

Stunning

Keilie came into our home office this after and I gasped as soon as I saw her.  She is just so stunning.

 Trying to show her what I liked about her makeup.  I told her I couldn't show her in the bathroom because I was working, but that I wanted to show her what I like about how she'd done her eyes, so I was going to take a picture.  The real reason was not because I was feeling super lazy, but because I wanted a picture to remember that moment.  I notice often that she's growing into a stunning young woman, but at the sight of her today, I really, really recognized it.

 People tell me all the time that she looks just like me.  I know that we look similar every once in a while, that you can totally tell that she's mine, but I don't ever look at myself with as much admiration as I look at her.  She is so beautiful inside and out.  I cannot believe she'll be 15 in just a few short weeks!

Watching

While Ashlee and Russ were are in Utah, we got asked to watch their guinea pigs.  You would have thought the kids had never been in charge of an animal before.  They've never balked at taking care of Mira, but they've never begged for one-on-one time like they have with these little piggies.  When it was Tyson's turn, he was very serious!  No way were they going to get under the couch!

He enlisted Mira to help.

It's funny that Mira gets pretty nervous when they're out of their cage.  She keeps her distance, unless they're behind bars.  And then she sneaks up and just watches them.  She is such a scaredy cat dog!  Tyson loves having an animal that just snuggles up on his lap.  The kids had fun, but I'm good with just our Mira.  Forever.

Pretend

We were the only ones at the pool for our first hour today.  An entire pool for just three kids!

 It was so much fun watching and listening as they made up ways to accidentally fall into the pool, or pretend like they needed help and then push/pull each other in, etc.  It was fun watching their silly.  They played "pretend" today-- and it melted my heart.  I love this pool so much!

Horns

I got home from the gym today and stopped dead in my tracks when I caught sight of my hair. OH MY GOSH!!!  My horns were showing, and I didn't even know it!!  The memory of my gasp still makes me giggle.  You would have thought I was caught unawares by a masked killer in a dark alley... and the murderer caught sight of me and screamed his head off in horror. 

It did feel pretty hot in the gym today, I'm just saying.  And that's saying something, because, apparently, the fire and brimstone of my home kingdom gets pretty balmy.

Coat Closets

It has been a long time since I've gotten creative in my home.  I've missed it.  It was made quite clear it is something that I've needed after I took an entire 8 hours on Monday to clean/organize/rearrange/redecorate our master suite.  The bed was moved (Randy was in Alaska, so I got to do whatever I wanted!), Randy's office was revamped, everything was put away, all clothes and towels were pulled off shelves and refolded, everything was put in its place, in perfect order.  Our room just fits better.  Not only does it feel larger, but it just feels more relaxing.  Every time I walked in, I would literally sigh.  It just feels so good. 

I've caught the bug.

Tuesday, I decided to take some before and after pictures, since I was kicking myself for not doing just that in our room/bathroom/closet.  While I didn't spend 8 hours on this project, it was a 2-hour creative thinker's dream.

This closet holds five different stations: Sewing, craft, school supplies, wrapping, and storage solutions, not to mention our coats and the vacuum.  The sewing and craft stations were the most messed up-- thanks, kids!  It took time to pull everything out, go through them with a metaphorical fine-toothed comb, and reorganize them.  It was so in-depth, I even used a scrap of paper and checked to make sure each and every marker and pen we own is still usable-- glorious!  It was the most relaxing morning I've spent in a while.

I came back to this closet a few times throughout the day, even though I didn't have a reason to.  I just love seeing things cleaned and organized to perfection!  I plan to work on our main office next.  Then my kitchen.  Then on to the upstairs...  Can you feel my mounting excitement and enthusiasm?!  Man, I love cleaning.  Cleaning makes me happy!

I never imagined as a child that making a mess to clean and organize it would bring me so much joy as an adult.  Being creative is so much fun. 

Alaska

Both Randy and my Dad were in Alaska this week.  Randy-- work.  My Dad-- fishing trip.  The first picture was taken after a hike Randy took.  When showing my family the picture, my Dad said he was passing this view at that very minute.  My jealousy was as green as their surroundings.  Alaska is one of my favorite places we've visited together.  Especially Sitka, where Randy was this week.

Storm

With the many flyers and newsletters we receive from the cemetery and our Hospice counselor, I've read a lot about grief.  One thing that is always said is that the mind will kind of safeguard itself by only allowing you to think about things when you're ready.  I have physically felt times when my mind kind of shut down over the past few months, when I started to feel such intense emotions, that my mind just stops working.  I know that, to some degree, I have felt my brain safeguard against total meltdown.

Over this last weekend, we drove up to Ashlee's house to support and cheer both her and Russ on as they ran Ragnar.  We left on Friday morning, made it there in time to make posters with all of the kids, see her run through her hometown, have dinner with my Mom (who is there to watch their girls for Ragnar and while they go on an anniversary trip this week-- so fun!), cheer Russ on as he began one of his "Legs," and then drove home on Saturday morning.  It was perfect!

Their team name was R.O.U.S-- Ragnarians/Runners Of Unusual Speed.  A fun spinoff from The Princess Bride.

As we were driving up through Seattle, I put on a pair of headphones and seriously concentrated as I listened to a book.  It wasn't an earth-shattering book, but you'd think it was a lifeline, I was concentrating so hard.  I kept my eyes down, and tried as hard as I could not to think about where we were.  I just didn't want anything to mar the reason we were driving up North.  But the way home was a little different.  The family wanted to listen to music on my phone, so I didn't have my book.  Because I didn't have something new to concentrate on, I didn't look down, I experienced Seattle.  It wasn't as hard as the first time going through, but it opened up the remaining 3.5 hours to reflect on some of the horrors that we survived both in Seattle, and after Seattle was no longer an option.

Grief is weird.  Sometimes I can look at something logically, yet feel so differently about it in my heart.  I remember why I did/thought/prayed for some things, yet when I look back on it, through my grief, I feel such warring emotions about certain instances.  One of those was because of my fear.

I never had fear about seeing Caden again in Heaven, or that this was our Heavenly Father's Plan for my Caden, but I did fear for Caden's pain.  I feared for myself as I watched my son go through pain that I couldn't even imagine.  And that's saying something, because the pain he'd felt over the past few years was mind-blowing.  But none of that pain had ever taken his life.  And we were steamrolling towards death pain, and I was out-of-my-mind scared.  I reminded myself that when our Savior was in Gethsemane, He, too, was a little scared.

Luke 22:42  Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

I perceive this as Jesus showing his faith that he would do what His Father asked, but that he, too, was (maybe) scared of the pain.  *I am not a scholar.  I don't know if that's really what he meant as he prayed, it is just what I think he meant.

I remember the phone call from Sue on June 7th, 2017, saying "It's not good, sweetheart," and the wracking sobs that I had for the remainder of the day.  I remember talking with Randy that night, while laying on our pillows, dazed, hurting, and beyond scared.  We both commented that we wished it was all over, already.  And then we stared at each other, wide-eyed and white-faced, asking, "How can we wish he was already gone?!"  We didn't wish he was gone, we knew we were just freaking scared, but we did wish it to be over, to be finished watching him suffer, to have him free of pain forever.

Trying to capture how much the tumors were pressing his belly out.  He looked pregnant, they were so big.

I will always remember how he asked to be tickled to distract him from the pain. 

Again, when Caden started to feel pain and started throwing up more and more, I remember many times on October 3rd praying, "Heavenly Father, please, take him right now!"  Over and over, I'd look at my son and just pray for his death, pray for his release from the pain.  And when he finally could feel no more pain, I wished with my whole soul I could have him just one more minute, to tell him just one more time that I loved him.  I will never forget how it felt to run into our room after hearing that he was gone, and feeling this immense, crushing sorrow, wanting to scream up to the heavens, "CADEN, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!"  Heavenly Father had answered my prayers exactly-- He took my son soon after his pain came in earnest.  It was the most beautiful heartbreak.

 Dressing him.

Now, as I remember through my grief, I am having those warring emotions.  It seems that the entire drive home was filled with self-loathing.  I miss him so, so much, exacerbated by our drive through memory lane, how could it ever have been possible that I actually prayed that my son should die?  How could I have almost wished away his life?  What kind of mother begs for her child to die?  Logically I know that what happened back then was completely justified, that what I have been feeling since Saturday is wrong, and sad, and not the right frame of mind, but in my heart, in my very soul even, it feels heavy and real and raw right now.  I got the exact answer to my prayers, but my grief looks back on it in surprise and devastation--  "Stephanie, how could you do that?!"

I am still in my ocean of grief, where I have been fighting the current and storms since October.  Maybe since June 7th.  Maybe since January 31, 2014.  These last few weeks have felt easier to swim, almost like I've been floating on my back without exerting as much energy, unsure where to swim to for an escape, or if an escape is even near.  But a storm has started up again, pouring difficult memories into my mind, drowning me in confusing and hurt-filled emotions, threatening to swallow me up.  I am swimming with all of my strength right now.  Swimming for my family.  Swimming for my son.  Swimming for my Heavenly Father.  Swimming for me.

Smiles

Keilie was invited to a party on Thursday night.  I'm not sure who was more excited, Keilie or me!  I love that she's getting into the stage of hanging out with a group of friends, and that she was finally invited!!

While she was there, Maren sent me, and Rebecca Ritchie, a picture that her daughter, Emma, sent to her.

Rebecca's twins, Luke and Carson, and my Keilie.  

Doesn't she look so happy?

When I showed this picture to Ashlee, she said it reminded her of Caden's smile in a picture captured just days before he passed away.

So I decided to do a side-by-side.

ALL THE HEART EYES!!!

Flips For Fun

While at the pool today, Tyson said he was going to work on his front flips off the diving board.  He got really good at them after a while, continuously going into the water feet first, so he decided that he was also going to start working on back flips.  After a few where he either jumped in backwards without really flipping (it's a lot to concentrate on!), or he was basically doing a belly flop jumping from the diving board backwards, I decided to see if I could help him.

Since he gained his confidence by simply falling into the pool in a dive pose for his front flips, adding a jump and a flip mid-air after he was really, really ready and understood how it felt, I suggested that he simply fall backwards from the side of the pool.  I wanted him to see how it felt to go into the water in the backward motion.  He did awesome!  When he tried it the first time off the board, he tried to add the jump and ended up flailing into the water at the weirdest angle.  I told him to just try falling backwards off the board.  Without hesitation, he did! 

While all of this was going on, two little kids were watching, encouraged to work on their own stunts.  Each time he'd get onto the board, you'd hear them cheering him on.  "You can do it!"  And he would.  When he finally decided that he was going to try a true back flip, one little boy chimed in, "You just have to believe in yourself!"  And so it was, just minutes before the break-time whistle, my Tyson executed a near-perfect, albeit beginner, back flip off the diving board.

"Mom, I did it!  I was able to jump off the diving board, do a flip in the air, and my feet went in first!  Next time I am just going to work on making them better!"

He wanted to learn, he believed that he could, and he did.  Tyson can do front flips, back flips, and dive (also learned at the beginning of this season) off the diving board!  He is such a cool, confident kid!  And he's mine!! 

Staining

Since the inception of our new normal routines, I've upped my diligence in all things "home."  I have more of a schedule for cleaning, watering my plants, chores, homework/reading, health care, and hygiene.  One area that I've doubled my efforts to remind is tooth care.  I'm happy to report that my kids no longer have the excuse that "my mom never tells me to."  Because we all know that it's our mothers that need to tell us to clean our teeth!

I was thrown off balance when I was told that each of my kids had significant staining on their teeth at their last appointment in May.  First of all, I had never had a problem with staining, only our lack of regular flossing.  Well, flossing at all, if I'm being honest.  I am a horrible flosser.  And Second, we had been better at regularly brushing twice a day for an extended period of time than ever before.  How could this be the first time in our lives that this has come up?

Tyson's teeth are so crowded, we've been told that he'd have more chance of cavities, even if he was the world's best flosser.  There is just no space between his teeth.  While getting a small cavity filled yesterday, the associate that numbed him up asked for a tool, saying he had a bit of staining on his teeth.  I was beyond floored.  It hasn't even been two months since his cleaning!!!  I told her that we had been brushing more the last few months than ever before, and that it surprised me that I was hearing about this after years and years of bi-yearly cleanings!  She scraped his teeth, the cavity was filled, I prepared to take my brown-toothed, brown-skinned, numbed-cheek boy home.

As we were leaving, she came in with a post-it note.  As I peeked at the top name, "Crest Pro-Health," as she was talking with someone else, I was sure that she was going to recommend that toothpaste to help with the staining.  I was super excited to tell her that that was the toothpaste we had started using about a year ago.  Look at me, choosing the best toothpaste to clean our teeth!  Come to mama, Mother-of-the-year award!!!

"This toothpaste, because of the formula that eliminates the alcohol, is known to cause staining.  Do you happen to use this toothpaste, by chance?"

Wait, WHAT?!  It's CREST!  It's TOOTHPASTE!!  It's PRO health.  And it causes staining?!  HOW can that be possible?!  How can the thing that is the cleaning agent actually be the cause of this new problem?

I dropped him off at home and drove straight to the store to replace all of our toothpaste.  It still boggles my mind!  How can that be possible?  It doesn't happen to everyone, though.  We are just blessed with the right bacteria in our nasty mouths to create the perfect environment for this staining to grow.  Of course!  Bodies that grow cancer, cars that mice flock to to die, and nasty mouths that are the breeding ground for brown stains on teeth.  Man, we sure hit the jackpot!

Please be my friend.

Mags

I think it was about Tuesday that I started to notice a really nasty scent in our Yukon.  Since we had had my sister and her girls here for more than a week, I thought it was possible that maybe a dirty diaper had been left inadvertently in our car.  I went through the car, ridding it of all the boat/park snack garbage, and generally just cleaning out the car.  Nothing deep cleaned, just picked up.  Wednesday morning, when preparing to leave again for the park, I noticed that the scent was still there, getting worse.  I couldn't understand what it was, so I planned to take Clorox Wipes with us when we went to the pool and clean it out while the kids swam.  I cleaned that car top to bottom.  But not good enough, apparently.

Thursday, the smell was so bad, I made the comment that something must have died in the car.  I didn't believe my words, making the exaggerations a big joke.  But by Thursday night, I was ready to set the car on fire, it stunk so bad.  Randy decided that we were going to shampoo the carpets, since all other deep cleaning tactics had resulted in a car that continued to get more stinky.  Here's the part where I beg that you all realize that I like things clean, but sometimes I don't remember to do it as thoroughly as it needs.

When I thought Randy was done vacuuming, he asked me to help him raise the back bench, so he could get under it.  I always vacuum down the sides, but I never remember to actually lift the bench.  Ashlee crawled in the back to lift the appropriate levers, and when she did, that's when I saw it-- a dead, dried up mouse.  My fight-or-flight reflex had me gruffly whisper, "Get out of there!" at the exact second that Ashlee spotted the dead rodent and screamed an academy award winning blood-curdling scream.  I can laugh at it now, but at the time I was freaked out!  There was a DEAD MOUSE in my car!!!

We were a bit confused, though.  Yes, it had been hot, but we couldn't understand how it could stink up the car if it was so dried and obviously dead.  Trying to rectify what we were seeing with what we were thinking, we just accepted that the heat had dried it fast, and that the smell would go away.  However, Randy and I both kept commenting that we could still smell it behind the passenger front seat.  It was strong enough that Randy started to rip the car apart, throwing baking soda into the crevices when nothing looked out of place.  Man, it stunk so bad in that car!

Starting behind the center captain's chairs, he ripped off the plastic where the seatbelt is installed.  Then the plastic on the floor that houses the lights that illuminate when the door opens.  Nothing.  The amount of baking soda that Randy was leaving in those places still makes me laugh.  If a little baking soda deodorizes, imagine what a 13.5 pound bag can do to that stench!  When he got to the portion behind that passenger, I was convinced we weren't going to find anything.

Sitting in the center captain's chair.  Where the door connects, that cream colored plastic was removed.

   The cream colored plastic directly next to the passenger seat.

And then we did find something.  A freshly dead mouse, filled with plump, wriggling, feasting MAGGOTS!!!  With the plastic removed, the smell exploded 100,000,000 times over.  I cannot tell you how much I wanted to run.  And die from embarrassment.  HOW did it get in there?  WHY did it get in there?  We don't keep food in the car, so what induced it to crawl up inside in the first place?!  And why the heck were there TWO mice in our car?!  When did the other one-- the dried and obviously dead one-- die?!  Because I don't remember the putrid scent we had growing in that car from Tuesday to Thursday ever being present!!

Our car is FULL of baking soda.  We're leaving it there for a bit, in hopes that it will stop the scent that is calling mice to our car like the pied piper!  Oh My Gosh-- TWO DEAD MICE!!!  

We joked around with Ashlee about a nickname for our "red car."  Here's what we came up with: Maggie, short for Maggots.  "Mags" for short.  If I didn't love this car so much, I think I'd drive it into the Columbia River and give it a King's funeral of flaming arrows as it floated downstream.  My little Mags.

Wanna go for a ride with us?  Without our Caden, we perpetually have an empty seat.  It's yours, if you dare.

Please be our friends.

BUTCH

We have the most amazing tree in our front yard.  Pretty much a tree of dreams for the home of my dreams.  I love it so much.  However, it was starting to outgrow our front yard, so we got a few quotes from a few different tree peeps around town.  All were pretty pricey, so we were kind of holding off until the fall.  Then a guy stopped by as we were cleaning out our Yukon (another post coming soon, after I can process what happened without wanting to die) and tells us he'd do it the next day for a fraction of the cost.  His business card looked legit, so we agreed, happy to save a few hundred dollars.

He and his wife showed up on Friday morning, ready with all sorts of tools.  He talked with Randy through broken English, telling him what he was going to do, using all sorts of hand motions, making Randy think he understood what was going to happen and what it was going to look like.

It looks nothing like we thought, nothing like what he explained, nothing like any other similar tree.  

It reminds me of the time that Shelby cut her long, beautiful hair to her scalp, giddy and proud to show me her new do.

"See.  We do good job.  Come back next year?"

(Voice over to indicate our raging, screaming thoughts) "HECK NO!!"

(Calm, even voice spoken aloud) "We're not quite sure what we're doing next year.  Stop by and we'll decide then."

My poor, poor tree.  I hope it can recover.  And that it doesn't wither in shame before then.

39 Weeks

After going to the bathroom for like the 15th time on the morning of May 15, 2001, I was getting into bed when I felt a gush of warmth soon after 3:00am.  I was super confused.  "I just went to the bathroom, so I know that wasn't pee."  And then it hit me-- my water broke.  Caden was born at 8:06PM at 39 weeks.

With a bottom lip that quivered when he whimpered and tried out his sweet, timid cry, this boy had us completely wrapped around his tiny, perfect fingers from the second Randy called out, "It's a BOY!" with equal parts confusion and surprise.  Our baby was not a girl as we'd been told, but a perfect 6 pound, 13 ounce precious son.  Oh, how he filled our lives with son-shine.

Today is one of Caden's favorite celebratory holidays-- he LOVED everything about fireworks.  In a cruel twist of fate, today it has been 39 weeks since he passed away.

It still feels like this.

Where 39 weeks once filled my arms with the most amazing, most beautiful, most wonderful bundle, it now leaves my arms aching to hold him just one more time, heavy with their emptiness.  39 weeks started a life that I looked forward to with anticipation.  Now, at 39 weeks, I look ahead and just see endless days without him.  And it feels hopelessly bleak.

It still feels so surreal.  It still hurts so, so much.  So much.  I cannot believe that my son died.  I cannot believe that I will never see his face again, never hear his laugh again, never feel him in my arms again.  I will never see him walk at graduation, never see him hold a girls' hand, never see him go on a mission, marry, be a dad.  I expected all of these things, and more, on that day 17 years ago when my son was born at 39 weeks.  Once upon a time, 39 weeks filled my heart with such joy, I was certain it would burst.  Today, 39 weeks feels like a bullet in my heart.

Today is one of those days where I feel a bit confused, even though I logically understand that this is, in fact, my life.  It's as if I am living my life as an actor, or watching it as a spectator.  Or even that we've been swapped into someone else's life and have to learn to pick up and navigate without instruction of how life used to be lived or needs to continue.  "How can this really be my life," I think.  "This kind of thing can't happen to me, can it?"  And then reality sets back in and guts me, "Yes, this is your life.  So plaster on your happy face and deal with it. Understand?!"

Yes, I understand.  And it breaks my heart all over again.

Remember

Two things I want to remember:

**Ashlee told me the other day that Aria still carries around one of Caden's funeral programs.  She told me that when Aria makes her bed, she places the program between her mattress and pillow, with Caden's smiling face looking out at her.

**While headed to our pool this week, Aria called out, "Hi, Caden," as we passed the cemetery.  No one told her that's what we were passing, no one told her we would pass it, she just knew that's where Caden is buried.  It has been 9 months tomorrow-- a very long time span for a child.  And she is only four.  How did she remember that?  How did she recognize that drive after going to it one or two times since he was buried?

I was only five years old when my sister Keilie died.  While I remember things about her, I don't really remember much, most of my memories of her actual appearance from photographs.  I would love it if Aria remembered him in more detail for the rest of her life.  My goodness, they shared a special bond!