Listen

A friend's son left on his mission a few days ago.  As she was telling me how difficult it was not to have easy communication access, I literally saw the change in her countenance.  I could tell she was thinking about how I must feel not having any access to Caden, that she felt super bad for having any complaints at all, and that she just wanted to take it back.  She slightly jerked and then quickly changed the subject.  I asked her the question, she regretted her response.  This is one of those things that one would call collateral damage from cancer care.

I am one that loves to hear stories, loves to hear more about those that I am talking with-- I love the little details.  I love to glean information to store away, to remember those little details that I can bring up again in conversation.  I care about the hard things, too, not just the good, happy, light stuff.  Potty training, sickness, dances, missions, aversion to laundry and dishes, difficult days with kids, depressing moments that really bring you down, I truly care-- and want to hear-- about it all.  I know we are still in the thick of a very hard trial (at least I am), but I really do care about these things, even if I am struggling.

An ear infection, or cold, or pneumonia is so much more curable than cancer, absolutely, but that doesn't mean that I can't empathize with the struggle.  Some of my saddest memories have to do with my kids' ear infections.  And don't get me started on how mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining potty training is!  And although my kids look like angels that can do no wrong sometimes, since I don't write about every little nuisance here, they have had their moments where I want to run away for a whole week just to get over the rage coursing through my core.  I can totally empathize during a vent session about how difficult motherhood can be.

While I have chosen just a few examples, there have been more instances where someone was talking to me, many times about something I had specifically asked them about, where they will almost "realize who they're talking to" and slightly jerk and then quickly change the subject.  "Oh, I can't complain about my kid _______!  At least my child is still alive."  "She probably doesn't want to hear me complain about my kids' stuffy nose that makes it so they can't breath, which kept me up for hours last night.  Her child has spent multiple nights in the PICU!"  And on, and on, and on.

I know it is human nature to worry about saying the wrong thing, or to actually say the wrong thing.  And I know I have done it, too, that awkward "I can't believe I just said that to them" moment.   But it is one more thing that I hate about cancer, one more thing it has taken from me.  I really care about others.  I want to be that listening ear, that person that remembers that one time 15 years ago you told me that your birthday was December 13, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  I want to sympathize and empathize with all of the little things that feel big in the moment (or week of potty training that turns into months... or, "we'll try again in a year"), just as much as I want to sympathize and empathize with those that find themselves in the cancer world or burying their child.  I want to be there for you.  I want to help.  I want to be your friend.

Life is difficult for a variety of reasons.  I don't hold the corner for ultimate suffering or hardest hard.  I still truly care.  It's confusing to wish that people could forget, but never forget.

Empathy

A couple of weeks ago we heard the news that Randy's boss's boss's daughter was diagnosed with cancer.  Like Caden, they took her in for what they thought was pneumonia and heard that word that scars the heart and seers the mind forever.  I immediately knew I would put together a care package for them.  I just didn't realize it would be so hard.

Almost immediately I started to feel the terror come back to me of our diagnosis day.  My heart reached out to that mother in a very real way.  I know how it feels to be so completely blindsided with news that scares you to your very soul.  And then I thought of the 12- year old little girl that heard {that word} in reference to herself.  I cried for her, because I knew a little of what was in store for her.  And then I thought of her sisters, and sobbed my heart out.  This box was going to be full of purchased gifts, sure, but also some of my heart.

I gathered things for Mandy, the mom, Maya, the fighter, and Anna and Leah, the siblings.  I didn't get anything for Bryan, the dad, because I know his biggest concern right now is for his girls.  It was easy to choose Game Night and Movie Night stuff for the siblings to initiate time as a family.  It was easy to write words to these two girls that will be pulled along down that raging river, a step behind their parents and sister, battered and beaten almost as much as those in the river ahead of them.  Cancer happens to everyone in the family.

With their portion solidified, the box sat open and ready for a few more days, patiently waiting for the last two additions: letters for Maya and Mandy.  I procrastinated while feeling the restless urge to finish.  I knew I needed to do it, that I wanted to do it, but it was a hard thing to sit down to write words to two people about something that I know intimately and still fear beyond anything I've ever feared before in my whole life.  It was also very, very hard to censor my words so as not to scare them.  Because aren't we everyone's worst nightmare?  It's hard to portray hope at the beginning of their cancer story when ours ended as it did.  It's hard to tell her "You've got this, Maya!" while also using past-tense words for Caden.  I hope she sees the "nearly four years of cancer care" in a way that means, "Caden's done," not "Caden died."

It was also so, so hard to fully tell this mother how truly sorry I am.  Empathy is difficult to experience sometimes, it is also difficult to express sometimes.  It was hard to censor my words to her too, so I focused on things I knew she'd do.  Look at her children more closely, Live each day as if it were A Last, Laugh more as a family as they spend more time together, and Document every aspect.  While I haven't gone back to read most of my words, I will forever be grateful that I wrote it all down.  I don't need words to remember now, but someday I will.  I will never regret the time I took to document the good, the bad, the miraculous, the heinous, or the joy.

As I taped it all up and delivered it to the post office, it felt like a massive weight (more than the 50 pounds that box literally weighed) was lifted from my shoulder, and that maybe a bit of my heart was literally going with it as well.  I felt emotionally spent after crying so hard and pouring out my heart as I wrote to these friends I've never met.  I needed them to know of our love and concern for them during a time we understand more than most, this beautiful heartbreak time.

Needing to lift my spirits a bit bunch, I decided to make Thank You cards for Randy to send to a few co-workers that helped him close his most recent sale.  All was going great until I ran out of a very important supply: glue.  So Randy and I headed to Hobby Lobby, and then to Starbucks for the gift cards.  I was feeling happier, much better than I had just a few hours earlier, until we got passed by a speeding Ambulance on the Freeway.  That one thing, coupled with my reflective memories, put me over the proverbial edge once again.  I could barely breathe as I sobbed.  Poor Randy, he didn't know what happened.  He's used to my tears, but he usually gets some sort of warning.  "Choose Happiness" didn't quite work out for me today.

I know I will feel better in the morning.  But reliving and remembering to offer empathy was one of the hardest things I've had to do in quite some time.  I'm grateful I could, but I hope it's many years before I have/choose to give of myself in that way again.  I will, of course, if the need arises, but I really hope it doesn't for more obvious reasons than it simply hurt my feelings and made me feel a little bit broken today.  Cancer really did break me.  Only time will tell whether I'm stronger because of it.  If you were to ask me tonight, my answer would be wracking sobs in the fetal position.  My empathy hurts tonight.

Me?

Tyson walked in on me looking at some pictures the other day and asked if the picture I was looking at was Caden.  I had to pause for a second-- it was a picture of him!  He didn't believe me.  A few people, including Randy, have told me that Tyson looks just like Caden.  Randy has even started a folder on iPhoto called Caden Tyson, because he can't tell which is which for some of the similar age pictures of the boys. 

I never have that problem.  Ever.  I clearly see Caden, and I clearly see Tyson.  To me, they look like brothers, but I have never mistaken one for the other.  On the other hand, if Brennon and Tyson are facing away from me I have a hard time differentiating between the two.  But when I see the faces of my boys, there is no question who they are.  Honestly, I tried to get two pictures for a side-by-side, but I couldn't find two that looked close enough alike as proof.  Maybe I'll have to have Randy do one.

I'm glad I don't see what everyone else sees.  I miss Caden enough without always mistaking Tyson for him. 

Matching

Since 2003, when we purchased our very first Christmas tree, I have used the exact same decorations.  I love the look of an elegant tree.  For our main tree, we use our yearly Christmas ornament, the one that is a representation of our year together, and my color scheme ribbon and balls.  The kids have their own 4' tree that they can decorate how they choose with the ornaments that they make or are made for them when they are little.  I usually also try to match our wrapping paper to my color scheme.  I just like things to look uniform.

Last year I bought some wrapping paper on clearance-- four rolls that coordinate perfectly.  However, when it came time to wrap presents (I started the Monday before Thanksgiving, finishing on the day after Black Friday), I realized that my need for uniformity was screaming that my wrapping paper wasn't going to match my tree decor.  So... after 15 years of the same tree, I decided to branch out.  (Oooo- I didn't even mean to create such a fantastic pun!)

While at Hobby Lobby, taking advantage of their 50% off all Christmas, I started to wonder what the heck I was doing.  Stress of any kind since October 2017 keeps me up for hours into the night, not to mention a near breakdown in the moment.  I went in with a tiny idea, so I grabbed the bare essentials and got out of there as fast as I could.  Then it was time to start assembling, and I had another panic attack.  I am a HUGE copier, but I didn't have anyone to copy for this project.  This was just something I had in my head from things I'd thought looked neat over the years.  The work ended up being exactly what I needed!

 I grabbed two mesh rolls measuring 6"x30'.  Starting with a tie at the very beginning, I measured 12" and tied, 12" and tied, until the end.

Next, I made two bows with three differing sized ribbons.  I've been making these bows since High School, when I worked at Ben Franklin Crafts, but this was the first time I ever attempted to use more than one ribbon.  I just sandwiched the Christmas ball pick (Randy calls them antennae) between the two bows and tied them super tight together for my tree topper.

I was so worried from the very beginning that I was going to waste Randy's hard earned money by either ruining those bows, or hating the end result.  I was propelled forward at all ventures with fear and anxiety.  But as soon as I started to actually place them on the tree (a tree that I put together but didn't fluff yet, because I was so worried), I started to get more and more excited that what I had envisioned in my head was going to be just fine.

 I was very pleased with my end result!

2003-2017-- Maroon and Gold

2018- Bold Red, White, Green & Lime
Matching brings me happiness!

Side Note: On the Monday that I started wrapping gifts, I got a table, scissors, tape, and gifts all set up in a nice assembly line.  As I was grabbing the wrapping paper, I remembered I'd purchased one for each child.  I kept searching and searching through my Christmas wrap pile for the last one.  Searching and searching, counting and recounting, reality caught up to me with a sucker punch to the heart-- I don't have need for five wrapping paper choices anymore, the four I have are the only ones I need.  Even after a year, it still feels like a bullet in my heart every time this happens.  I still count five.  It's confusing to want to count five, to miss counting five, but to almost wish I wouldn't count five because it hurts so much every single time.

Origami

Brennon has been interested in Origami for a few months now.  Some friends had him over to their home and did a craft with some decorative paper, and ever since he's been hooked.  He's even gone so far as to watch a few videos when he found one to be particularly difficult.  Tyson wanted to do it with him, but found himself frustrated more times than not, many times even asking Brennon to "help" as he watched him do it all, before he gave up on the endeavor altogether.

A few weeks ago, Mike Salisbury saw Brennon folding the Sacrament program before church began.  We've always been early to church, but now that we need to sit on a certain side to see Randy on the stand, we get there early-early.  This leaves the kids with time before the meeting in addition to the hour and ten minutes of reverence.  They've been taught since infancy to be quiet, so they're really good.

A few minutes into the meeting, Mike handed Brennon back an Origami bird, showing him that if you pull one part of the bird the wings move.  Brennon was captivated.  It took him a second to learn how to pull it just so, and then he sat staring at the bird as if he was cherishing it.  It was pretty cute.  But then he did something that surprised both Mike and myself-- he started to take it apart!  I was mortified that he was so obviously being rude to take apart the gift!  But, being Brennon, he was just planning to astonish us all-- he wasn't cherishing it, but memorizing the look and learning how to make that swan himself, no videos needed.

Brother Salisbury stopped me in the halls, telling him how stunned he was that Brennon did that.  He'd never had someone take one apart like that to learn how to put it back together.  It made my heart swell to hear someone praise my Brennon.  Brennon has a sharp mind and eye.  He really is a neat kid!  Who knows, maybe he and Tyson will both be engineers...

After church, Brennon changed his clothes and got right to work.  I barely had time to change my clothes before I captured this at the kitchen table.

 "I just want to make sure I remember."  He'd put Brother Salisbury's back together a few times during Sacrament meeting, but hadn't been able to do another one during the two remaining hours of church.  Those two hours are full of activity, so I'm sure he was worried he might have already forgotten.

He didn't forget.

His closet has now been transformed into a bird cage.  His shelf, and some of Tyson's, is now lined with the best of his many different Origami creations. Boxes that have lids was the one he was most proud of before this new feature-- moving parts. 

I made sure to send Mike an email with pictures, telling him Thank You for giving Brennon his two-fold gift.  He told me he has a few more projects he could teach him, anytime.  With a gift we got for Christmas, Brennon will have plenty of supplies to take for a lesson with Brennon's newly-appointed "Origami Master" in the New Year.  I love that Brennon has something visible to showcase one of his talents.

Joking?

We played a couple rounds of Codenames last night before switching over the Picture Codenames.  Remember, the first time we played Codenames with the kids Randy gave the boys the word "doctor" in hopes they'd choose "nurse."  "Let's choose 'brush.'  Cause the doctor always tells you to brush your teeth!'"  They've grasped the concept a bit more with practice, even going so far as getting "space" and "time" when Randy gave them the clue "continuum" last night.  It was really cool to witness.

During our second round of Picture Codenames, Tyson contemplatively said, "I wish we had this game where it was just words."  We all stared at him, wondering if he was joking.  After a while, Randy said, "You mean like the game we just played?  Codenames?"  Tyson thought for a second and then his face split into a grin.  "Oh.  Yeah."  And then we laughed and laughed.

Because Randy is always so tired come 5:00pm Sunday evening, and since we'd already had our FHE lesson and played 6 rounds of Codenames, we decided to watch a Christmas movie together as a family.  The movie was chose was a Netflix original where two strangers happen to meet that look like twins.  They didn't do the spin off where they were separated at birth, but that somewhere down the distant line a twin of someone had run off with an American and that they must be long-lost relatives somehow.  At the moment they ran into each other, literally, Tyson said, "They look just like each other!"  They sure fooled him.  He didn't even realize it was the same girl playing both.

With one supposedly the Duchess of somewhere foreign and the other from Chicago, one had a proper British accent and the other an American accent.  The girls decide to switch for two days so that one could feel how it was to be a normal girl, and the other could help a friend's daughter get into a ballet summer camp that the Duchess was head of the committee.  As they show the different stories of the two girls, Tyson, in all awe, asked, "How do they pretend to have a different voice?!"  We all looked at him, again wondering if he was joking.  As if on cue, we all started using a British accent we love to do.  Again, Tyson thought for a second and then his face split into a grin.  "Oh.  Duh!"  And then we laughed and laughed.

Glad to see that the boy with the sharp mind can have a bit of an off day!  He doesn't even have to try being funny to be funny.

Angel

We finished putting up our Christmas decorations last night.  I love what they chose for their Angel.

Kindergarten Caden!

It's a hard time of year.  Not as hard as last year, but still very, very hard.  My gosh, I miss this boy.

Merry Christmas!!!

100%

Yesterday, Shelby took her Mesopotamia Content Assessment during her lunch period, her Reading Strategies Content Assessment during her Advisory period, and her Math Content Assessment after school.  As I drove into the lot at the school, Shelby ran to the car, "Mom, Mom!!!!  I passed all of my Content Assessments with 10 out of 10!!!  And, I have an A- in Science!!!!!"  And just like that, our hours at the computer felt like nothing at all.  I now know what is expected, I now know how to navigate the Dashboard, I now know how to work with my child.  It's been a long time since I've felt this sense ownership and accomplishment.  It feels fantastic.  I'm considering writing a What I Wish I Would Have Known and What to Expect pamphlet for new parents.  Love is not a battlefield-- Libby is.

4 years ago today we left for the vacation of all vacations.

(Picture taken on the porch of our own villa at Give Kids the World) 

Thank you, Make-A-Wish and Give Kids the World!!  The memory of this trip still brings me to tears.  We will never forget.

I love you, Caden.

Leona Libby Middle School

Shelby's school is the first of its kind in Richland.  This is the third year of operation.  It's a STEAM school with everything done online.  When the internet was down for an entire day in the Tri-Cities, they didn't really know what to do with themselves.  Every single thing is done on a Chromebook.  Assignments are turned in online, so if something is due on November 29th, you have until 11:59pm to turn it in.  This is not wholly uncharted territory for us, since we've done online school from home for both Caden and Keilie, but it is new territory for public school.

I was really worried about Shelby going into Middle School for a number of reasons.  My anxiety about the whole thing grew to fever pitch that was quickly dispelled after that first day of school.  Shelby has astonished me time and time again with her ability to adapt to situations.  She came home from school that first day, sat down to her Chromebook, and has worked ever since on her homework.  Having struggled with kids doing their homework without prodding, you would think this would be a blessing.  And it is, but it's also a curse.  You see, this girl works from bus to bedtime every single night.  She works on weekends, including work on Sunday, just to keep up.  She does not have time to be a kid anymore.  But being ever adaptable, she has not complained about the workload once.  It's been me that's done the crying and complaining!

Because it is all so new, I wasn't prepared for the structure of the curriculum.  In theory, it's amazing.  You have to pass things at 80% to move on to the next skill.  If you do not pass the "test," called Content Assessments, you are required to go back, study again, and produce notes to prove to your teacher you are ready to take the test again.  You have three chances to pass the Content Assessment at 80% or above before the grade becomes permanent.  Knowing that a lot of things are built step-by-step, this sounded amazing.  But when you factor in how much Shelby has worked with tutors over the last 6 years, how we pulled her from two grade levels behind to actually at grade level at the end of last year, expecting her to get 80% on every single thing is ridiculous.  Because of this, Shelby fell behind quite fast.  Add in that I didn't quite understand my role as a parent in her learning and you have a child that was working all night to get C+ and below on her first report card.  She worked all that time to be less-than average.  It truly broke my heart.  I came away from her first Parent Teacher Conference with a new resolve: I was going to tutor my daughter until the end of this semester, guiding her towards which assignment to work on when.  If she didn't get those grades up, I would pull her from public school.

I immediately sat down with her to have her help me understand what her Dashboard looked like.  Every single assignment for the entire year is visible on this Dashboard for every single core class.  When you hover over each assignment, the deadline/due date is shown.  It became apparent pretty quick that Shelby had two past-due assignments, two coming up that week, one the week after, with four due on November 29th.  That doesn't sound like too much, right?  Wrong.  Here's how a current assignment due today looks-- one of four due today, mind you:

Mesopotamia

Objective 1

Objective 2

Objective 3

Content Assessment 

Again, you think, ok, that's just three things she needs to work on.  Wrong.  It's broken down even more.

Mesopotamia

~ Objective 1

** 9 Assignments

~ Objective 2

** 6 Assignments

~ Objective 3

** 9 Assignments

Content Assessment

I am not exaggerating it at all when I say that one of the assignments under Objective 1 was reading only.  I, as the adult that reads a book a day many days a week- meaning I do not stumble over my words- sat down with her and read out loud for FIVE HOURS.  One assignment under one Objective under one main category took five hours.  There were nine assignments in that Objective.  It is not an uncommon occurrence for an Objective to take us 10 hours to complete, with me being the reader.  With Mesopotamia having 3 Objectives, that's 30 hours for what looks like one "assignment" posted on her Dashboard.  It is much more intense for her Projects, for which she has one a month.  In each core class.  Added on top of the in-class assignments, projects, and book reports they do.  In sixth grade.

As I look over the schedule I made for November, now that we are on the last day assignments for November are due, thank goodness, I would like to document (a glorified word for validate) what we've been doing, her and I, to get her where we are today:

Past Due:
Early Humans- 3 Objectives
Area & Surface Area- 4 Objectives

Due that week:
Read 15 chapters of Holes and assemble your thoughts for Book Report
PROJECT- Weather- 5 Objectives  (more on that below)

Due the week after:
Water & Earth 2- 3 Objectives

Due November 29th:
Expressions & Equations- 4 Objectives
Mesopotamia- 3 Objectives
Reading Strategies- 2 Objectives
Imagery- 2 Objectives

All with that Content Assessment that needs to be passed at 80% to move on.

If we assume that each Objective takes approximately 5-10 hours (again, I am not exaggerating one bit!), that's a minimum of 130 hours.  With five days a week working for 5 hours after school, that's 100 hours of homework a week.  It was not difficult for her to get the other 30+ hours necessary when she worked Saturdays and Sundays as well.  There were two Saturdays this month that she worked 10 hours on homework.  We'd give her an hour or two here or there as a break, but for the most part, Saturday was just another school day.  I felt like a monster.  An overwhelmed, emotionally unstable monster.  And there was always the possibility she wouldn't pass and we would have to do the Objectives again to prove she was ready to take it a second time.

Side Road for a brief second: Her Weather Project was my first real understanding of how they expect their work to be turned in.  She had 10 questions about Marseille, France for this one Objective in the Project.  She needed to know the Latitude and Longitude, so I thought, "Easy, we'll just google that."  Wrong.  They need to site a credible, educational source for every single question.  So, when it came time to tell what people in Marseille like to eat, you couldn't just google that answer, you had to find a credible online source to back your answer.  Each question took six times longer than you would imagine, because we had to choose from a limited number of acceptable sources.  

Once those questions were answered, they had to move on to adding the answers together into a kind of skit that they recorded as if they were weather people on the news.  As we were working on that Objective, having spent 2 hours on it that day (not counting the 2 hours we spent the night before looking for the answers and sources), Shelby commented that another girl was on the assignments as well.  I was confused... "See that pink thing (cursor) right there?  That's Meytyn.  She's one of my partners."  I kid you not, at that exact minute, the entire text we had been working on for two hours went pink.  I could tell she was dragging her cursor down her screen to highlight all of the text, and then deleted it all in that second.  DELETED ALL OF OUR WORK.  Apparently, because it was a shared Project, the page we were working on was a Google Doc, which can be accessed by multiple people.  This girl had been "up till 1:00am working on that assignment" and had drafted her own words.  She deleted all of ours, and added her own.  I started shaking in rage, and then cried.

When I contacted the teacher about it, asking if the assignment was one where "two girls copied and pasted the work of another, regardless of the hours they'd spent on their own," the teacher told me she'd work with them on Tuesday.  She said nothing about the fact that this girl had erased Shelby's hard work, nothing to the fact that it "didn't matter."  Shelby's work was gone, and that was that.  What made me literally want to punch this child in the face was the point where she asked us where we had gotten some of our information.  Typing with fingers that were on fire (on the document, because we can read and communicate on that one Goggle Doc!), I told her that we'd just spent 2 hours filling all of that information in, information that was deleted by her just seconds before.  We moved on.  I still do not know what grade Shelby got on that Project.  I hope I never meet that girl in person.

OK, back to the main reason of this rant post:  Last night, as we were finishing up work for assignments that are due today, I happened to click on Shelby's Progress.  I, once again (surprise, surprise), started to cry-- happy tears this time.  Shelby's Science is Incomplete (thanks to that one Project that the teacher is still helping them on), with B's in all other Core Classes.  B's for the girl that has struggled her entire life.  B's for the girl that had many late assignments and has worked so hard to claw her way to today.  I am thrilled beyond words!  And, oh, so proud of my Shelby-kins!

It's working.  Our work together is working!!!!!  We'll see how things go from here on out, but for now we're celebrating like she just won Valedictorian.  Because if anyone deserved an award for the hours they've put into their schooling, it's Shelby Jacquelyn Dirks!  I do hope the work load calms down, now that we're not behind, but it's easier to sacrifice my nights knowing she has to potential to excel!

Look

"Kay, I'm ready."

Yes, yes he did.

I may have actually said something to him, with his three shirts, one hump-backed hidden backpack jacket, and pants tucked into his tight socks, but I don't have the energy today.  Note the angle the picture was taken from-- prostate on the couch with a head cold is the correct angle name.  Or, suffering from a NiQuill hangover and can barely lift my head angle.    If you ask me which "look" looks best, I'd have to go with Tyson's today.  I am a stunner, I tell you.  S-T-U- double N-E-R! 

*Cue audience wince and groan at first glance*

Black Friday

Keilie, Ashlee, my Mom and I all went Black Friday Shopping.  Since Walmart starts their Black Friday on Thanksgiving at 6:00pm, and because they had one item that we really wanted to get our kids, the men went last night.  Not wanting to be in the thick of the crowds, we women decided to go a bit later than the 4:00am start time of most stores.  8:00am found us at:

1. Bath & Body Works
2. Claire's
3. Target
4. Kohl's
5. Bed, Bath, & Beyond

Every square inch of space was taken in the trunk and interior of the car!  It was a fun morning for someone that doesn't like shopping or crowds or standing in long lines.

New Car

Let me just start by saying that I get attached to things.  Deeply attached.  I have cried over a ruined broom kind of attachment.  So when it comes to things as important as our vehicles, it's no wonder that I had a good sob in the bathroom of a used car dealership.

Last week our Yukon started to beep for about a minute when we turned it on, flashing Oil Pressure Low.  It would turn off after a while, only flashing a few times if we'd stopped at an intersection soon after beginning, but it still ran as it had always ran.  However, with the increased mornings of incessant beeping, Randy decided to take it in.  He knew my attachment and his own reluctance to spend money (we haven't had a car payment in many, many years), so we planned to just pay a bit of money to fix it so that we could be the proud owners of a car that reached 300,000 miles.  I loved so many features of that car, plus the many, many memories in that car, that I didn't really want to see it go.  Honestly, if it was possible, I would have rebuilt every single thing just to keep it.  Mice infestation and all.

When Randy got the call from the repair shop I knew it was not good news.  They said they could fix one thing, but worried that the added pressure would cause problems with something else.  They worried that they would do that one thing, but that it might not actually fix anything at all.  Randy kept telling them that we were leaning towards just fixing it, but he took on his "tone" and told Randy he didn't think it was a good idea.  This repair shop has been our only repair shop since they saved us thousands a few years ago, and have saved us thousands since.  They are very honest, very reliable, and always go above and beyond in their service.  He became our friend in telling us it was time to let this car go.

Looking at and getting a new car should be a really fun prospect, but it felt more like losing another family member, if I am being honest.  We thought we had at least another year, and in one 10-minute phone call we learned it was over.  I bring a lot of drama into what others would consider nothing when a car is 14 years old and has 275,000+ miles, but my attachment to this car ran deep because of what it transported between Richland and Seattle for all those years.  That car brought joy.  From February 3, 2012 to November 20, 2018, that car carried my family, my whole family, to some pretty incredible places, and brought our family together when we had to be separated for cancer care.  That is why it was so hard to leave it behind.

 We bought this car used for $10,000, with more than 100,000 miles and some pretty ugly cosmetic issues.  I loved so much of the rest of it, the cosmetic issues stopped being seen fairly quick, even though they were really stark flaws.

They must have had a dashboard cover that was secured to the dash, because there were three very large spots where the color had been pulled off.  Our car was a leper.

 

I honestly don't know what happened to the spots on the console.  But you can see just how much of a leper she really was.  Also, because this car was a 2004, I will bring your attention to the cassette player.  That was used, actually!  Tyson listened to Indian in the Cupboard in this car.  Not only did it have a CD player, but down below it had a 6 CD player.  Towards the end, the 6 CD was the only one that worked.

 Also, under the vent you'll notice two additions: the metallic disk and the oval thingy.  Randy added the metallic disk so that we could connect our phones to the radio (Which actually broke away from the black plastic and would hang with wires showing when connected to the phone cable), and the oval thingy was added by the previous owners to play the sound of the after-market DVD player through the radio.  It wasn't two years before the DVD stopped working and we never fixed it.

The only thing that ever changed on this view was those beautiful odometer numbers.  This was our final view.  278,229.  We were that close to our goal of 300,000.  We got $2,500 for her.  We considered asking more for the trade because it didn't come with dead mice carcasses.  I'm really going to miss our Mags, short for maggots.

This view will be missed.  I am crying as I blog.  I love this car so much.

I added this sticker 6 years ago, just one week after we arrived in Richland.  It meant a lot as I put it on, and has meant a lot ever since.  Even though it is severely altered, weathered and crumbling, you can still clearly see the message: Choose The Right.

As Randy researched and talked with a friend that restores vehicles, he came to realize he wanted an Expedition EL for the EcoBoost feature.  As we test drove one locally, I could hear his excitement for the fuel economy and the towing capabilities of this car.  He also liked that they keep their value, are among the top of a few lists, and that they are American made.  I like that it still has the trunk size that I have come to depend on.  Trunk of dreams, I tell you.  The only drawback to buying used is that you don't actually choose your colors.  This has a black interior and we have a white doge that sheds.  This is going to be fun... for the kids that get to vacuum this baby out after every road trip.

Purchased February 3, 2012.

2004 Yukon XL Denali. 100,000+ miles.  $10,000.

 Purchased November 20, 2018.  

2017 Ford Expedition EL Limited.  51,000 miles.  With trade-in, discount, and down payment, the total for my new soon-to-be attachment was $33,000.  

Our first family road trip is today: Thanksgiving in Mount Vernon.  I cannot wait to see where this vehicle takes us.

Check!

The boys joined the Chess Club at school this year.  They'd played a few games with Randy a few months ago, so when the chance came to join the club, they thought it could be fun.  They meet every Thursday after school for an hour, with a lesson given for the first 10-15 minutes and then enough time for about one game.  It's been fun to volunteer.

While talking with one of the other volunteer mothers, she asked if we planned to do any of the tournaments this year.  Honestly, I hadn't.  My boys just started playing the month before, and I know that some of these kids have been playing since birth.  But when she told me how her son had reacted last year, that after one he wanted to do as many as he could from then on, I thought I'd ask my boys if that was something they'd be interested in.  Brennon said "yes" immediately, Tyson changed his mind a few times, landing on "no" after I'd already signed him up.  Come Saturday morning, Tyson told me begrudgingly, as he was walking out the door, that I was ruining his Saturday.

Because Keilie had a meeting that started at the same time the tournament did, Randy took the boys while I took Keilie. 

(Oh, look, my Mister remembered to take pictures!)

30 minutes after "begin" was spoken, Randy sent me a text: Brennon lost.  A few minutes later I got another one: Tyson lost.  I really hoped that this was not how all five games would go.

I made it a few minutes before the end of the third game.  It was so much fun to look in and see them playing.

(Tyson is center table, facing me, Brennon is top left, facing away)  

It was hard to watch Brennon come out dejectedly-- he'd lost again, his third loss.  Tyson came out a little later, pretty excited-- draw.  I guess one of the judges had to come and tell his opponent that he needed to be a better sportsman.  He was angry he wouldn't be getting a medal now, and wouldn't shake Tyson's hand.  Tyson couldn't care less about the kids' poor sportsmanship-- he now had 1/2 a point!

Brennon, who was most excited about the tournament: "Mom, I'm just kind of bored.  It's not fun to keep losing and losing.  I don't want to do this again."
Tyson, the boy that sulked to the car: "Thanks for forcing me do this, Mom.  This is so much fun!"  *For the record: I didn't force him.  He said yes two times between no's!  It was after the second yes that I signed him up.*

As they left for their fourth game, their standings were:

Brennon: 32 of 32
Tyson: 47 of 52

I had just sent a text to my sisters saying they wouldn't be winning any medals that day (I am a horrible human being because I also said, "maybe never.."), when Tyson walked out and said, "I WON!"

Randy was at a car dealership (our Yukon XL is having some very real problems, so we're looking for a new vehicle.  More to come on that soon), so we called him, super giddy.  We had barely hung up with him when Brennon walked out-- "I WON!!!"

 We got right back on the phone to call Randy again!  It was a lot of fun!!

We've learned our lesson-- bring games, snacks, and lunch for the time between games.  They work as fast as they can to get standings posted and players placed with similar standing opponents based on the previous game, but everything depends on when kids finish.  As soon as the last game ends, they're rushing around to get the next round started, but there is still plenty of time between games where there is nothing to do.  Especially if you win/lose quickly!  Round 5 found Tyson by my side three minutes after they'd begun-- HE WON!!!

With his Draw in game 3, he now had 2.5 points!  About 10 minutes later, Brennon came out-- HE WON, TOO!!!

To get a medal, they had to have won 3 of their 5 games.  To win a trophy, they have to be the top 3% of the players in their grade.  They're hooked!  They obviously want to win a trophy, but they're first going to try for a medal.

We've been playing a ton of chess since, with the boys playing on a website that gives them tips and hints to help them learn.  I love that my boys have a shared thing again!  I love that I got to flash my smug face every time Tyson said he had a good time.  I love that he openly admitted that I was right.  Man, I'm good!

Funny Story: Randy and I got our first chess board a few years ago.  Randy completely underestimated me-- I won!  Little does he know it was beginner's luck.  I know how to play, but I am not strategic.  In fact, my first time volunteering had me learning a lesson from some 2nd graders when I questioned how they could have gotten pieces in a certain position-- talk about feeling like a stupid woman!  (FYI: Castling is a move in the game of chess involving a player's king and either of the player's original rooks.  It is the only move in chess in which a player moves two pieces in the same move, and it is the only move aside from the knight's move where a piece can be said to "jump over" another.  You're welcome!)  I've never won him since, but you better believe I will never let him live it down that I won him first.

Invention Ideas

While looking through Keilie's phone (which used to be Caden's) about a month ago, I noticed that it still has a few pictures that Caden took, as well as some notes he'd written.  One of which was "Invention Ideas."  Number 1 was: A robot to mow your lawn.  I am not even joking, the next morning while on a walk around the subdivision above ours I saw this...

There must have been an electric fence buried along the perimeter, because it never left the grass.  It came toward me in a straight line, turned around cleanly, and went back toward the house in a straight line, directly next to the one it had just cut.  I had to smile.  I had seen Caden's "ideas" the night before!  So, so neat.  Hi, Caden.

Wind?

When talking with some friends a few years ago about cringe-worthy anniversary gifts that Josh had gotten Kim, Josh told us that his brother had been working late on building his home one night and completely forgot that it was his anniversary.  Since he was returning home after many stores were closed, being quite desperate he stopped by the cemetery near his home and took flowers from one of the graves to give to his wife.  Sitting in my armchair, warm in my home, emotionally stable this morning, I can say at this very minute that if I knew that the flowers stolen were for that purpose, I wouldn't even care.  Especially since this happened, and I still can't stop the feelings of disappointment these many weeks later.

October 12

 October 13

 It had been quite windy, so I wondered if the wind had taken some of them.  I looked around the entire portion where Caden's is buried, but there was not a single bud.  Plus, if it had been the wind, other flowers would have been strewn about.  All around were bunches of flowers, nothing amiss, just as tall as these had been.

 But the closer I looked at them, it looked like the stems had actually been cut, not ripped at all.

 So I grabbed one of the flower heads and ripped it off.

 And found that is exactly what happened.  In less than 24-hours from the time my mom placed the flowers on Caden's grave, someone allowed their child (I hope it was a child!) to spend enough time out of their supervision (I hope they didn't actually watch it happen!) ripping the heads off of nearly the entire bouquet.

Because it was so soon to when they were going to take the headstone, I decided to take all decoration with me right then.  But if I'm being honest, I also felt a need to protect my things.  It felt a bit like a violation to see those stems stripped of their bulbs.  For a split second I wondered if it was some sort of hate crime, that's how violating it felt for a minute.  But when I spoke to level-headed Randy, he helped me realize it was probably just a little kid using their hands to see the beautiful flowers.  Maybe it was a little girl trying to make a daisy chain crown...

We do!

Tyson mentioned a bump on his finger a while ago, but I didn't really worry too much about it.  Boy, do I wish I would have worried about that bump before now.  It's now a massive wart on the middle finger of his dominant hand.  While on the way to Alma weekend, while Randy was flying back from out-of-town and I was hours away, I got a call from Tyson, "Mom, do we have any acid?"  You can't make this stuff up!  It was bothering him so much, we couldn't ignore it anymore.

Randy went Saturday morning for a freeze/acid kit and got started right away.  7 days of freezing and then twice a day burning until it's gone.  When telling him what needed to happen with the burning, he asked that I be with him while Randy cut.  When Randy said he wanted to get prepped while I took Brennon to school, he told Randy he wouldn't do anything until I was there.  I knew my Tyson was pretty scared.

Sitting up to the table, one that could rival any operating room set up, Tyson jumped up on my lap and slid his hand across the space to Randy.  Fingers gripped in his tiny hand, I could feel the sweating begin, along with a slight nervous tremble.  Randy noticed Tyson's intent stare as he sterilized the x-acto knife scalpel and told Tyson he probably shouldn't watch.  As soon as Randy said he was ready to start, Tyson did as I instructed and inhaled sharply, tensing every muscle, and held as still as possible.  After a few small cuts around the base of the crusted dome the acid creates, Tyson exhaled and asked for a pause.  During the pause, Randy doused and dabbed with hydrogen peroxide to keep it clean.  "Does the blood mean we're done?"  "No."  "It feels like dad is digging around with tweezers.  It hurts so much."

After a few more cuts and another exhale, Tyson asked for another break.  This time it was bleeding much more.  The tone Tyson used would be funny in another less-sad scenario, because it was so animated and confused (duh!- type), but I can't laugh knowing what he was going through.  "Ugh! Why do I keep looking?!"

Randy told Tyson that we could stop.  "We don't have to do this right now."  With all the courage he could force into his emotional voice, "Yes.  We do!  This needs to be done."  And Randy finished cutting the top off.

When Randy was done and Tyson was clutching a hydrogen peroxide cotton ball in his fist, I guided him to the floor.  "My head feels really weird and I feel like my stomach is sick."  Each inhale lasted about 10 seconds, and it was about a minute and a half after the last cut, so I knew this lightheadedness was due to shock.  Tyson had just sat there as Randy performed a small surgery on his finger.  It was slightly numb after using the topical cream they gave Caden, but he felt those tiny slits around the entire wart.  And he didn't move a muscle.

He's now had "surgery" three times.  Each time has been the same: Surgeon Randy with sterilized craft tools, Tyson on my lap, clutching my fingers in his sweaty hand, me holding on to my son for dear life.  "Mom, if I had one wish from the Geenie, it would be that I never have another wart for the rest of my life.  My second wish would be that I could be a billionaire."  Warts suck.

American Hero

While helping out at Chess Club this week, I found Brennon and Tyson's American Hero posters.

I love how close they were to the entrance of the school!

Our Scout Troop's Pack Meeting this month was a Veteran's Day Parade in West Richland.  Because of Shelby's dress rehearsals for the Tosca Night, she and I were not able to attend the parade.  Good thing a friend took pictures, because Randy didn't take a single one!

Brennon made a poster at one of his activities last week...

Brennon

Tyson

The one thing that made braving the absolute cold (it started snowing before the parade began) worth it was the candy throwing.

 (Brennon is far right, holding the flag with his poster at his feet.  Tyson is on his right side, with his poster at his feet, waving at the camera.)

(Brennon is second from the left in the front row, Tyson is two posters to the right of Brennon, eyes barely peeking over his poster.)

Randy said there were many times I would have cried.  There was a Veteran sitting right next to them that had many parade members come to shake his hand, thank him for his service, and give him things.  He said it was really neat.  He also said there were a ton of Corvettes, and probably six cars featured on Back to the Future (Delorian, I think it how it's said?).  He also said that Mira may hate parades more than laundry baskets, soccer games, cardboard boxes, and bath time.  She is not a fan of marching bands, whistles, or horns.  Lesson learned-- no more parades...

We are so proud of our very own American Hero, Darwin Dale Dirks!

Home of the Free Because of the Brave!

Tosca

Shelby is a member of the Mid-Columbia Mastersingers Youth choir.  Last night, the Mid-Columbia Symphony and Mastersingers combined to perform excerpts from Tosca, showcasing three opera soloists.  It was beautiful.  This was what Tyson thought of the performance...

He was so out, he didn't rouse at all during the long, loud applause, nor my face caresses while calling his name, not even after Randy bopped him on the head a few times.  It took Randy forcibly shaking his shoulders and nearly pulling him up for his eyes to roll forward in his face, completely confused and groggy.  Even then, he looked like he was walking in his sleep.  You can see the marks on his forehead from the 30 minute nap before he raised his head to his hand.  He. Was. Out!

"Why didn't I choose bed instead of ice cream?" he asked as we sat down to Blizzards at DQ.  It was a wonderful night.