Epic whiner pants

Caden came home from Youth Conference saying that he must have forgotten to bring his large appetite, and wondered if I had found it while he was gone. And then the pale face showed up. And then the 99.8 fever and chills came. And then the pain on his right side, under his ribs became more than just a dull ache. And this morning around 2:30am, the endless vomiting started. And now this...

Deja vu, anyone?! Why does he always have to get sick around this time?! December 2013 became cancer January 2014. He was sick December 2014, which turned to Depression for me that continues today. And now December 2015 he's sick again!!! I hate that my mind instantly turns to cancer. I hate that I want to hold him, yet run away at the same time. I hate that I know it is probably a stomach flu, yet I can't stop the express train of thoughts that are pulling me under again. Sometimes I just really hate my life. I hate what cancer has done to me. I hate that I can't conquer my emotions/state of mind, that I can't seem to handle one more thing. That my life is truly so blessed and easy and relatively wonderful, yet I struggle so much with something I can't see, or change, or fix. I just want my family to be healthy. I want my son to stop being sick. I want my son to live!! I want to STOP feeling such negativity and sadness and drowning at every turn. I don't know how I am going to make it to January 20th for his next scan. I'm tempted to take him to an ER now, and demand an MRI or CT scan. I know it seems extreme, but I just want relief from my anxiety and fear. Man, why does he have to be sick?!