Reality's Meeting

"She spins and she sways to whatever song plays, without a care in the world, and I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It's been a long day, and there's still work to do.  She's pulling at me, saying, 'Dad, I need you.  There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited, and I need to practice my dancin'.  Oh, please, Daddy please!'  So, I dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms.  'Cause I know, something the Prince never knew.  Oh, I dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song.  'Cause all too soon the clock will strike Midnight, and she'll be gone." Cinderella by: Steven Curtis Chapman

This is Randy's theme song.  On one of the hardest days of our lives, the first thing Shelby asked Randy is if he was still going to be able to take her to The Snowflake Ball at school, on her 9th birthday on Friday.  As it turns out, there are many different 'Midnights' in our lives.

The meeting was not as optimistic as it was in July, plain and simple.  Caden had just taken some pain medicine, so I'm not sure how much he remembers, or understands, and that is ok with me.  Like July's post, here are our option choices.  However, sometimes being given a choice is harder than if we were told what to do.

1- Surgery right away.  This was what we were really hoping for.  However, because of the magnitude of the surgery, it is life threatening at this point.  The blood vessels that are feeding the tumor have a chance of bleeding out.  Our son could die on the table.  We said that surgery first was our option, unless there was a reason we shouldn't.  We won't do it first anymore. Surgery was in two options: Surgery only, or surgery in connection with chemo.  'Surgery only' was scratched off before he finished his sentence.  We are well past that, at this point- there is just too much.

2- Chemotherapy first and then surgery- like the first time.  This was what Caden wanted from the very first of the meeting.  The chemo drugs will be different, though.  The two that they used worked well to kill the tumor, but obviously have done nothing to kill all of the cancer.  Because of the rarity of Caden's cancer, we are all just throwing whatever we can at it, hoping it sticks.  He will not have to be admitted into the hospital this time for each Round.  That's not to say that drugs aren't as powerful, they just don't need the before and after medicines to protect his heart, bladder, and kidneys.  Those always took so much time, it was just easier to be in-patient.  These will be given at the hospital, but we will be at the Ronald McDonald house for more time.  Admittance will only be 'as needed.' 

Dr. Hawkins compromised with us.  We will do 2 Rounds of chemo with a surgery planned for 6 weeks.  He said it would take him about that long to secure all of the people needed.  This surgery is going to be even harder than the liver resection.  That was supposed to take 5 and ended up being 11.  He said this one was more than 11 to begin with.  I still believe that being an adult/parent in these situations is exhausting, but I think being the doctor that has to tell the parent could be a close second.  I know the naked fear on my face was hard to see.  It was hard not to show it.

3- Chemo at home in a pill form.  Dr. Hawkins wanted us to know that at there are different points in everyone's journey.  Some, like us, just want to fight it hard, so intense chemo is their choice.  Some have had a long fight, are tired, and just want to spend more time at home, but don't want to give in just yet.  We may make it to this point sooner than I would like, but not now.  This will be our last intense stand against the devil that is swallowing up my son's belly.

4- Radiation.  This has never been an option for us before, so I was confused.  However, he said that it would not be an option on The Grapefruit, but for the smaller ones, if we decide to try that after the surgery.  For now, it is just one of the choices in our buffet, on our medical table.

5- Make him as comfortable as possible.  This time, I could not hold back the tears.  That has never been an option.  My entire body revolted, shook as if hit by lightening.  With love in his eyes, and concern in his voice, Dr. Hawkins said that the reality of the situation is this: In Sarcoma cases, once they come back, they come back harder and with more intensity.  It will take a miracle to cure Caden.  You need to come to the realization that his cancer may not be curable.

My heart must have been taken from my chest.  My lungs are lead.  My stomach filled with acid.

I would have sobbed if Caden had not been in the room.  But he was, so I quick-as-I-could reeled in the tears that could not help but burst out.  And one thing I do know for sure- "This meeting was not as upbeat as the last one."

Me - "Why do you say that?"

Caden - "I don't know.  There was more crying at this one."

I scared my son, because Reality beat me to within an inch of my life in that meeting.

**My family is starting a Fast tonight at 5:00PM.  If you would like to join us, please know that I truly believe that it will help.**

I recently read an article entitled, "Not the Miracle We Wanted." in the January 2016 Ensign.  I know the Miracle I want, but I know my loving Heavenly Father will give us what we need.  So, in your Fast and your prayers, please pray for a Miracle.

For me, for Randy, for our kids, for our extended families, and most especially

 for Caden Randy Dirks- The Boy in the Bed.