Subconscious

Randy woke from a nap on Sunday, saying we should look up what claustrophobia dreams mean-- he'd had more than one for a few weeks now, and the one he just awakened from was the weirdest, most intense of them all.  So we did.

"Dreaming of claustrophobia may be a sign that you feel a problem in your life is impossible to escape from or becoming too limiting to bear."

Hmmm.... wonder what that could be...

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This is complete conjecture, but I think Mira can really sense that something is wrong with Caden.  For months now, we've seen a gradual change in her.  She isn't becoming naughty, not that kind of change, but she's more skittish and on edge about everything.  She sees a new toy the kids purchased at the dollar store, and she's pressing herself into a corner, eyes turned away while her snout is up in the air, eventually hiding her whole face behind the pillow basket next to the couch, refusing all comfort.  When we tried to calm her down by calling her to any of us, she looked like a rabbit caught in a pen.  We just left her alone, not touching or calling to her, for more than an hour.  For a dog that loves to be in the thick of it all, this was very weird and sad behavior.  It was the most pathetic she's ever been in her Mira nervousness.  Being nervous around cardboard boxes and paper bags is cute and endearing; being terrified to even sit next to us on the couch broke our hearts.

Because of some Kohl's Cash and an incredible sale, I was able to get a nice Instant Pot for a really great price-- 70% off, plus I got more Kohl's Cash back!  We opened up that box of joy, plugged it in in anticipation of our first go at this faster way to cook fad, heard the little beep it makes upon powering on... and watched as Mira ran behind our couches and hid under our side table, shaking.  She was basically catatonic when it beeped 10 times at the end of the pressure cooking time, running in circles under the table that measures 3'x3'.  It happens every single time she hears that beep.

Caden's pain since Saturday night has unfortunately been intensifying.  Where he'd either feel pain in his back (the new, large tumor near his right kidney) or a pain at his belt line (the new, semi-large tumor in his pelvis), alternating and mostly at a four, it is now his entire "trunk," at a solid five, intensifying to a six at any tumor location at times.  Last night, around 10:00pm, Caden woke, asking for pain medication.  He still refuses to take stronger stuff (can you imagine the reality that will be for him to admit that it is time for Morphine?!), so Randy took him three Ibuprofen.  When Randy walked in and saw Caden kind of doubled-over, he also noticed a scent Mira gives off when she is extremely scared/startled/nervous-- it smells strongly of dead, rotting fish!  The light was on, so it couldn't have been that she saw a silhouette in the darkened doorway that scared her.  The home was quiet, since all the kids were in bed and our show was paused.  The only thing I can think is that she could smell Caden's cancer, or feel his pain and anxiety.  Either way, she stank and Randy could smell the scent even as he walked down the stairs with Caden's door closed.

I've read and heard many stories about dogs being able to smell cancer.  I've read where dogs fixate on their owners mole or side or wherever it is, alerting them to a potential problem.  But, with Caden's cancer filling his whole abdomen, growing fast and unhindered, I don't think Mira knows what to do with the "knowledge" she has that something is seriously wrong with Caden.  And it rips my heart out every time she frantically panic-barks for no reason, or runs up the stairs as if she's being chased to lay on her bed, or hides instead of being with us.  If we thought she was a nervous dog before, it's nothing compared to what she is now.  She is a mess.  Like me.