Club

Caden's age during cancer care was a clear blessing in some ways, and almost a curse in another.  Because he was older, I never felt as if I needed to have adult interactions in either Seattle Children's Hospital, or the Ronald McDonald House.  Because of that, Caden and I grew very close in such tight quarters-- this being both a blessing and a curse.  I love how close we grew, how much time we spent one-on-one, how much I learned about him as a son and a person, but it also added another facet of sorrow when my best friend of the past four years was gone. 

Because I didn't look outward too much for adult conversation, I only really connected and conversed with two women, both named Sarah.  I first reached out to Sarah G. because her son was supposed to attend the same Elementary as my own kids.  It was comforting to talk with someone from home, vent about similar frustrations of cancer symptoms and side effects, and bond over a common trial.  Sarah G. is the one that introduced me to Sarah K..  While I had known Sarah G. for a few years longer, Sarah K. and I became fast friends while living in the RMH while Caden did immunotherapy April-May 2017.  Other than these two women, I didn't really communicate beyond niceties with anyone, even though my path crossed with many others over the years.

Sarah G's little boy died one week after Caden.  For the past 10 months, we've text back and forth with each other for all the celebratory days missed (her little boy would have been 10 just a few days ago), the difficult holidays, and just the everyday days that bring us to our knees.  Today, she let me know that Sarah K's little boy passed away this week.  I didn't know that my heart could hurt more, but it can.

I love the memories of our last few months with Caden, many of which include just he and I.  I also love that because we were so content spending time together, I didn't try to attempt to make more friends.  It is so, so hard realizing that the two friends I did make have now both lost their sons, like me.  Pretty much a Club from hell.  A club that IS hell.  Stephanie, Sarah, and Sarah all lost their sons after meeting in Seattle.

It's confusing to remember how hard cancer care was, but feel as if the depth of all emotions of those years can be diminished, somehow, when comparing four years to the rest of my life without Caden. 

And Caleb G. (9).  And Easton K. (7)