Remember

I started a new post on Monday all about our trip to Casper June 22-23.  Before I'd even finished half of it, I had to turn off the computer and go lie down because I was so emotionally exhausted from 3 hours of blogging.  We may be coming up on three years since Caden's death, but I am still not strong when it comes to writing deep, special, memorable, raw things.  I want to write as much as I can about all that we felt there, how it felt to be back, how it felt to leave, how it felt to remember so vividly our happiness in that beautiful place before cancer was even a thought in our lives.  We were SO HAPPY there, and I can't convey enough how much that place means to me.  So I stopped for a few days because it hurts too much, the remembering of happy times as a whole entire family.  I am so behind on so many fun things that we've done this past month, but I'm caught up in a place of my heart that is killing me softly each time I think about Casper.  I miss my Caden so much I can't breathe still.  It is still so, so surreal that he died.  My heart feels as if it is being impaled with a red-hot rod of iron tonight.  I wonder, truly, if I'll ever feel strong again.