Modern Medicine

I had another appointment with my doctor to review how the medicine has been helping me.  It has been six weeks since my dose was increased, so it was a good time to make sure that it was the right one for me, before turning me loose for the next year.  I had a good example and a bad example to share.

Approximately eight days after I had filled the increased dose prescription, I didn't take my pill in the morning, hoping to see for sure if that was why I was still so tired in the afternoon.  The fatigue wasn't as bad as the first month on depression medicine, but it was certainly becoming a necessity to take a nap each day.  Don't get me wrong, I have always loved myself a good nap, but it was hard to yawn all morning, almost immediately from waking, and be tired all morning, only to take a nap for a few hours and be tired again until bed.  It was just not my favorite.

That night, as I was about to take my pill, I decided to count to make sure that I hadn't taken the pill that morning.  I knew that I was the one that wanted the medication as much as I needed it, so I had programmed myself to take the pill as soon as I woke up.  It seemed as ingrained as getting dressed each morning, to me.  I didn't want to take more than was prescribed, so I started to count.  Confused at the differing numbers, I counted the pills left and the days passed many times.  Somehow I was five pills off.  Knowing that the pharmacy does not give extra pills ever, I knew that the mistake had to be my fault.  However, it was just as wrong, in my mind, that it was my own fault.  I was programmed to take those pills.  I was actually counting them because I thought there was a chance that I had already taken it that day.  And here I was with five days of untaken pills.  I was at a loss.  It was a while before I got all caught up for the month.

While I didn't like the fact that I had messed up, I could see it as a blessing that I had.  While filling my new daily-pill container, I reflected on the last few days.  I realized that in those few days without it, I could feel the mania creeping back into my life.  I could feel the hopelessness of my situation, scared that the medicine I thought I was taking was not working right, that I was going to become crazy once again.  My thoughts and emotions become so low that I actually start thinking about drinking alcohol.  I have never tasted a single drop of alcohol, so I wasn't craving the taste, but was hoping to lose my mind to the effects.  I didn't want to be apart of my life again.  I was overwhelmed with the simple act of breathing, sometimes.  I felt possessed by the devil.  I truly struggled, thinking I was unworthy of the blessings from my Heavenly Father.  It was so hard to see myself slipping back into that world, one where I was completely unaware of my mistake, but thinking I would never be healed.  It was pure agony, once again.

As the days progressed with the medicine in me, I became more myself.  I find that my housework feels less like drudgery, my errands outside of the home become less panicked, and my associations feel less strained.  I find that I care more about what others are saying to me, even my own kids with their funny/immature stories.  I don't mind getting out of bed.  I feel like I am living more of my own life, choosing more of my own choices.  I know I need that medicine.

However, when the doctor asked if it was working well for me, I made sure to tell him that "it is working for the prescribed relief, but I was suffering from debilitating headaches."  I would gladly take the headaches if it meant keeping the depression at bay, but if there was a way to have the best of both worlds, I would gladly do it.  We decided to try a different prescription for a while.  There is no way to really know if it would be good for me without trial and error.  He told me to watch my moods closely, and to switch back to my previous pills if I noticed a change.  It's not hard to watch your moods when they are what control your household and life.  I am on high alert.

I have good days, for sure.  I have times where I feel so content with my life that I actually cry.  It feels heavenly to be able to really feel emotions other than doom and gloom.  I know I am capable of great feeling.  I know I am capable of caring about more than just myself.  I want to become free of this for good.  Right now, I hope that I can find the right tool to keep my mental state more evenly peaceful, yet my head with less pressure.  It's not fun to be happy, yet wish you could shave your hair off to allow the pressure more points of release from your brain.  To know that you could be out doing stuff with your family, yet sitting on the couch with a massager kneading your head.

I am so grateful for modern medicine that helps me with this.  Otherwise, I would probably be an alcoholic right now.  I'm not saying this in jest or judgement, but truth.  I have never felt so hopeless.

Friends

Last week, my girls and I went to a Mother/Daughter luncheon for Activity Day Girls.  To tell you the truth, I didn't even want to go.  I was having a hard-ish day, and just wanted to stay home with Randy.  Or go out on a date.  However, Shelby asked me first thing in the morning what time it was and promptly put an alarm on her phone to remind us when to leave.  And then she kept checking the time all.day.long.  I knew they both would be heartbroken if we didn't go, so I put on my wedge sandals and just went.  The moment we walked into the gym, I knew we had made a big mistake in coming.

Everyone was in dresses.  Most in Sunday best, but some in Prom attire.  And there we were in our jeans that had been worn all day doing housework and yard work.  We were instantly out of place.  I felt like such a fool.  We found some friends and started talking, waiting for the event to begin, and eventually found a table.  Instead of the friends that we were talking with sitting down with us, they picked up their belongings and moved to another table.  Others joined us immediately, but it still stung to have them leave.

See, this was a girl that Keilie had had over to our home once before.  They had just moved here, and in Keilie's need for friends, I called them as soon as I got their digits and had her over.  It was a girl that I was hoping would become Keilie's BFF.  We had tried for over two and a half years to have another girl become just that, but due to some issues that I can't even fathom, she rarely could play.  We have called 75% of the Saturdays in all of the time that we have been here, only having her actually be able to do something three times.  One of which was me asking her mom if I could pick her up, take her to dinner, take them to a skating party, pay for her, give them money for splurging, pick them both up, and take her home.  Nothing was expected of either of them beyond the girl being with Keilie.  The other was me picking the girl up for a Halloween party, taking them trick-or-treating, back to our house for doughnuts and hot chocolate, and then taking her home.  See the trend?  I am the one that asks for their daughters to do something, with nothing in return.  This isn't for me, people, it is for my daughter.

The luncheon got started with us eating some yummy treats, sitting around the tables set up with gifts made by the girls.  Three tea-cakes in, a squeal fest began in the corner that our friends had retreated to.  The girl that we had tried unsuccessfully for two and a half years to befriend was being greeted by the girl that we hoped to become a friend- both in prom dresses.  Oh those two besties were just so joyous to see each other, to share their table, and to oogle over their planned-dress choices.  And as the squeals, and giggles, and luncheon got louder, my little Keilie became more and more quiet, sinking lower into her chair.

Yes, there were other girls there.  No, there weren't any others that were her age.  As we watched these two girls practically scream that they should get a photo together at the booth with cute props, Keilie asked if she could go wash her face.  My heart was on fire.  I wanted to leave. 

While talking with one of the mom's, she pointed at some clothes hanging by the door.  I thought she had said they were for the girls that weren't dressed up.  Shelby asked if she could go and look at one of them, seeing as we had more activities to do, so I said yes.  Anything to make her feel less outcast.  When she walked back into the gym, the people that actually belonged to the clothes walked in as well.  And the light bulb gleamed over my head- their mom had brought clothes for her other daughters that had been with their dad, that weren't dressed up.  As she hugged her girls and told them to go change, her eyes landed on Shelby.  She gave a queer look and asked why Shelby was dressed in the clothes she had brought for her girls.  I tried to explain that it was my misunderstanding, but ended up just whisking Shelby away instead.  I knew my face was flame red.  As if I hadn't been embarrassed enough.

After the clothes were exchanged and Keilie was done in the bathroom, I asked the girls if they wanted to leave.  Keilie practically screamed her YES!  The look on her face as she came out of the bathroom stall would have been answer enough for me.  Being the coward that I am, I had Shelby grab my purse from the gym and we headed to Ice Cream.  But not before I took Keilie in my arms and told her how sorry I was for the experience she had just had, tears streaming down my face.  She was so obviously left out, so dejected to watch the girl she wanted to be friends with the entire time we have lived here so easily become friends with the new girl.

As if that wasn't hard enough to see, as a parent, this was even harder...

(Hanging on Keilie's mirror, in her room)

I haven't been in Keilie's room all week, so when I happened upon this today- 9 days after the luncheon- I wanted to scream.  She has looked at this every single morning, every time she was in her room, for the whole week.  If you remember, this is what we asked them to recite every morning.    This is what my daughter see herself as, someone who is not lovable enough to be friends with.  And it breaks my heart.

I can't blame the girls, really, for not being friends with her.  Obviously there are people that you just don't really like.  I can't blame the other mothers for not inviting Keilie over ever, because I don't choose my children's friends for them, either.  I am just SO sad at the situation Keilie finds herself in.  By far, this is the toughest trial Keilie has ever had to endure.  Even more than her older brother going through cancer, in my opinion.

One day someone will see what I see in Keilie.  They will gain a friend that is kind, generous, thoughtful, outgoing, happy, silly, funny, witty, caring, energetic, and loving.  But until then, I hope we can give her all of the love and encouragement needed to get her through church each week, Girls Camp in June, and eventually through Young Women's.  Please pray for my little Keilie.  She is really hurting. 

Best

We're getting closer to Brennon and Caden testing for Yellow belt. Randy asked Caden if he felt ready. Caden said he's ready but he's not sure he wants to this soon. We were a bit stunned to hear this, until he gave his reasoning. 

"I am the best one in the class right now. I wish I could enjoy it just a bit longer."

I understand that. He's been in the class for one month. He's the oldest, strongest, and most mature, so it was bound to happen, but he likes being the one that gets called on as the example. I understand wanting to live in the spotlight as long as possible. 

It is a privilege to watch his physical strength return. He still struggles to do more than a few sit ups (heck, I do too, and I have never had my core muscles cut through) but he is stronger day-by-day. He was so excited to tell me that he could climb the hanging rope at the gym on Saturday, when just four months ago he couldn't. 

But one thing we all know about Caden, he will always rise to the challenge.

Mother

If protective, worried mother had a face, this would be it. 

Does that not scream, "Do not take another step! Go on, I dare ya! I double dare ya!!"

I imagine I have had that look a time or two. Especially if someone was mean to my kids. I love babies. And being a mother. 

Today?

What am I doing today, you ask?!

This

Goosebumps

Not only do we have a store that still rents DVD's on the cheap, but it is a Hasting's. Oh, yeah, we are so retro! I think that means "old," but "cool."

Yesterday I was in the mood for an oldie. I didn't really know what I wanted to watch, but I knew it needed to be something that I hadn't seen in a while. Tyson came along for the ride. Mostly because he can't stay home by himself, which is what he wanted to do when I suggested a ride. 

While I was browsing Comedies, Tyson was browsing Family & Children and ended up finding the one. Goosebumps. I knew that he had seen an episode on Netflix with his siblings, so if it was something he still wanted to see, more power to him. I don't do any kind of scary, so I didn't really understand his interest, but he was adamant that that was what he wanted, so it was added to my How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. 

When we got home, Ty sat down to watch his show, I sat down to read. He put it in the Blu-Ray player that only plays DVD's for some reason, and came to sit next to me. Well, on me, really. I figured he would hide his face sometime during the show, but was amazed to find him hiding his face during the beginning credits. A ghost-like G floats up to a front door, the G that is Goosebumps. He kept peeking to see when the "previews" (as he calls them) ended. And then he watched the show without another worry. My son was more afraid of the beginning credits than anything else. Granted, it's a kid's scary flick, but still. 

So, he watched his scary movie while I read my good book. Lazy days of childhood are perfect!

My show was fun. Thanks for askin'!

Pockets

After spending the morning getting things cleaned up around the house and grabbing a few items from the grocery store, I took Tyson on a walk by the Yakima river with Jamie and her kids.  Remembering that I hadn't told Randy I was leaving, and not being able to find my phone in my purse, I asked Jamie if I could borrow her phone.  The hubs was informed of my exact whereabouts, in case I fell into the river.  Or got eaten by the tiger that I bought yesterday.  You would not believe how hard it is to find a tiger in these parts.  Don't even get me started on Unicorns!!

No one slipped or got eaten and it turned out to be a beautiful walk.  I can't remember why I called him after, but I again asked Jamie to use her phone.  While on the phone with Randy, I heard the ding of my phone, alerting me to a text message.  Wait, What?  I looked and looked for my phone, how can I hear it now?  It sounded muffled, so I began looking in the purse once more.  Then under her seats, in case it had fallen out.  Nothing.  And then it dawned on me...

The new pair of pants that I purchased have back pockets without decorative button-flaps.  My phone had been in my back pocket the entire time.  Fantastic!

*****     *****     *****     *****     *****
Randy went fishing with Caden for the last merit badge before his Eagle project.  They went with the Troop down to Columbia Family Fishing Pond, that had recently been stocked with fish.  About an hour into their four-hour trip, Randy called asking if I'd bring him the fishing pole stand that screws into the ground and his "lucky" fishing hat.  Darwin and Randy purchased matching hats while down in Bryce Canyon, so that makes them lucky.  And completely adorable.

Randy told me that the pole stand was in the blue buckets, under the sleeping bags.  Got it, know exactly where those are.  If I would have realized that they were in the blue bin that was under the blue bin that held the sleeping bags (tubs that fit into each other when empty) I would have just pulled them down to begin with.  However, since I thought I could just pull out a few of the bags and grab it, I used the Recycling dumpster that was directly under the bin to get it.  As more and more of the sleeping bags were pulled out, I couldn't understand why I wasn't seeing the pole stand.  Surely I would see some part of it by now.  So, I went up on tippy-toes to get a better look inside...and the Recycling dumpster started to tip...and I pulled the blue bins down on top of me...and I tumbled to the ground backside first...with a 25-pound cot coming along for the roller-coaster dive to the ground.  Good news, I was able to retrieve the pole stand now that the blue bins were busted on the floor.  Not so good news for my arm.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 4

I'll save you the pictures of backside. You're welcome. 

I got Randy his fishing pole stand and his lucky hat.  Which didn't end up being lucky.  Everyone around them was catching like crazy.  Everyone, except them.  The entire four hours.  Note to self: Don't be in idiot and try to use something with wheels to grab stuff off of the top shelf.  It's not safe!

I shall hence forth and forever be known as, Captain Obvious!

Notes

My family knows that I am very protective of my lists, calendars, and notes. You do NOT write on my things. It ticks me off and bothers me to no end. 

I found this today. 

If it wasn't so funny, Keilie would be begging for her life when she gets home from school. 

Anyone know where to buy tigers? Or Unicorns?

Bowling Shoes

May 15, 2015

Caden's birthday was much funner this year.  Seeing as we didn't have to beg doctors to discharge us from the hospital after major tumor-removal surgery this year, we decided to celebrate together the whole day, instead.  Well almost all day- we checked him out of school at 12:45PM to begin the festivities.

 We came home for some immediate cake and ice cream action.  But first, picture time.  I have been their mother for their whole lives- they know that I need pictures before they get chocolate cake all over their clothes.  The have embraced my idiosyncrasies.  Well, tolerate them, at least.

 I had asked Shelby to smile.  Caden decided to show her how it's done.  Wait, what?!

 That's better.

 And just to make sure that I got at least one, I snapped fifty more.  Now I have two good ones.

They are so accommodating.

 The Boy Scout had to light his own candles, naturally.

 His cute embarrassed face while we sang him Happy Birthday.

 Make a wish, handsome.

 We all know that my wish has come true.

 To continue the good times, he chose bowling for our activity.  Randy is not a bowling lover, so he may or may not have been excited for our game.  He told us that we would play one game.

 Let the fun begin!!

 Caden got his first strike of his life.  Without bumpers, that is.  We filled the alley with our screams, clapping, and jumping.  It was so much fun!!

And then Randy killed it...so we played two games, instead.  I played one of my better games.  I love bowling and have embraced that I am not good.  I just love it.

 I was struck by how much I loved their cute legs in these shoes.  I would by them each a pair if it meant getting to see their cute legs like this on a daily basis.  Man, I sure love these kids!

 We got pizza and movies for the rest of the nights' celebrations.  We also had to play a couple rounds of Poison Ball, as well.  Caden thanked us for such a fun birthday.  I thank my Heavenly Father for such an amazing son.

Happy Birthday, Caden!  You are LoVeD!!!

Poison

A few weeks ago a game was born in our family. Tyson didn't want to play Keep Away with dad, but Kill Tyson. If Randy could hit him with the ball, he was poisoned. The other kids quickly started saying they wanted to play...

And then a girl from down the street came to see if Keilie could play, and joined the game...

And then the three kids from next door came to check out the noise and became to 9th, 10th, and 11th players in our game. Two balls were now used, making the game so much funner. 

I had a slight headache at first, but didn't want to really miss out on my kids' laughter, so I joined in on the fun. Then it became the Poison Stephanie From All Angles game. It was a blast. 

You can see the entirety of our back yard in those pictures. We are used to much more space, and one day would like to have more space, but let me just say: the feelings of love, and friendship, and happiness that we all felt in our tiny yard made it feel like the grounds of Buckingham Palace. For that two hours, ours was the best yard in the world. There was nowhere else I would have rather been. 

Water

I was trying to find a picture of our flooded basement back in 2009, but found this little gem and couldn't help myself.  Look at that face!!!  Captured at the exact moment of Kenyan's sneeze.  Wowsa- who wouldn't want to be married to that?  Dead.Sexy!  Ladies, hide yo husbands.

Why would I be looking for a picture of our flooded basement in 2009, you may ask?  Cause just like then, I have to deal with water problems while my hubs slaves away.  It has been raining all night.  I heard it as I was going to bed at 11:00PM and was awakened by Brennon at 5:00AM saying it was raining in their room.  Sure enough, their window was leaking.  Enough to completely soak a bath towel to sopping in just three hours.  Nice! 

I HATE water problems, whether it be ground water rising too fast (flood of 2009), sump pump malfunctioning (flood of 2010, just four months after we finished the basement, requiring brand new pad), power outage that make the sump pump powerless (almost-disaster of December 2011, it was -25 degrees outside, too), flooded powder room in 2014, or leaking window caused by wind-driven rain.  Not my favorite way to start my day.

Good thing I have some candid shots of my magnificent face.  Man, I.Am.Stunning!

Perks

Since being married, my Mister and I have kept track of all of the states that we have been to together.  I say together, because coming into the marriage, Randy had been to more states and countries than I.  While traveling to North Dakota in 2010, we found a magnet map that has been a fun way to display all of the U.S. that we have seen together.

 We just booked a trip for this summer that will take us to ELEVEN states and give us TWELVE magnets for our board.  And it will be mostly for FREEEEE! We have enough flight, hotel, and car rental points because of work to travel for five days/four nights and see the East Coast.

Massachusetts
New Hampshire
Maine
Vermont
Rhode Island
Connecticut
Delaware
Maryland
Virginia
North Carolina
Washington D.C. (Just a magnet, not a state)
West Virginia

This has happened for us twice before.  We went on a long road trip with Jackie in 2005 that gave us a bunch of magnets from New York down to Ohio, including Canada.  And then another time we flew down for a "date" to Houston to drive around and see our old haunts and try something extravagant- Rodizio.  Randy was thrilled to show me some of his favorite dishes from his Mission days in Brazil.

So, although it is hard to have my hubs work so hard, it is nice to be able to travel the United States of America on the cheap.  One day, we'll take another free trip and finish off our map.  Then, we'll see where our travels take us!

Victory

Randy got a badminton set with points from his credit card. We got it yesterday, but it was too windy to play. Today is still a bit breezy, but not too bad. Caden challenged me to my first game since 9th grade (10 years ago, right?! My math might be a bit off) Caden's first game since last week. 

I won. 

Feeling a little smug. My definition might be a bit off here, too. I'm feeling a lot smug!!

It should be noted that the net is lowered in the picture for Tyson's benefit. It was regulation height when I creamed Caden. Slaughtered Caden. Smashed it!!

Testing

Since April 15, Brennon has been asking daily if he could go to Karate. The program works so that you can choose any two classes a week that work with your own schedule. Two times a week is not enough for him. 

After Brennon's first class, Caden decided that he wanted to get in. He went with Brennon to his second class and joined the class for good on Brennon's third class. They go together each time now, practicing together each night. It is awesome!

They both got invited to the next-level testing at the end of the month. With each class I notice that he pays particular attention to my boys. Sometimes it's to push them a little harder. It's funny to hear a collective sigh from the class when they are not chosen as examples, sometimes. I can almost hear a groan from Caden when coach tells him he's going to challenge him and pulls his leg a little more to fully engage the splits. 

Look at that face!! He is SO focused and wants to do so well. This is Brennon's passion. It makes me swell with pride to see him excell. 

I noticed that Shelby hasn't been giving enough effort in gymnastics lately. When I asked her about it on Wednesday, she said she has been asking us to get out of gymnastics and get into Karate. So that is what we are going to do. I LOVE my Karate Kids!!

What a day!

 May 7, 2014

Man, what a day!

 It seems like only yesterday.

 But also a lifetime ago.

 "I love you." 

He said these words slowly as soon as he groggily opened his eyes to look at me.

The best words a mother can hear!

My heart is overflowing with love.

Party Time!

This is Keilie's year to have a birthday party.  I still can't believe she is going to be twelve!  After returning from Time Out For Women in March, I approached Keilie about going to Time Out For Girls in November in Portland, OR.  I told her that I would take her and one friend to Portland for the weekend, telling her that I would let them choose treats, restaurants, movies on the drive, and that we'd do spa treatments after the show on Friday.  She was super excited.  Secretly, so was I- who wouldn't want to have another chance to see Time Out For Women?!

While putting Keilie's laundry into her room yesterday, I happened upon something that melted my heart and dashed my dreams, at the same time.  She had made homemade Birthday Invitations:

You are invited to Keilie Dirks 12th Birthday Party
When: Saturday August 22 2015
Where: Garlands Gym

*Gift bags will be handed out.*

When I asked her about them, she was nervous that I would be upset.  She had the hardest time only being able to invite one friend.  I get that, although I thought it was a pretty fair trade for an amazing weekend in a different town.  So naturally, I booked and paid for the party at Garland's.  As it happens, I was the first birthday booked in all of July and August, and had my pick of any time.  I sure hope she has the turn-out that Shelby had!  Is it insane that I can even think that?  Probably!

Laps and Hands

So, remember the rivalry between my boys?  Here's another one.  You'd think I had learned my lesson, by now!!

Before Sacrament meeting began on Sunday, Tyson was making his way over, to sit on my lap.  Wanting to have my own space, I told him that no one would be able to sit on my lap.  He went over to Randy.  About a half hour into the meeting, Randy reached over for my hand- love that gesture.  He still does it for me, after all these years.  By this time, the air conditioning in the room made it a balmy 30 degrees, so I asked Brennon to sit on my lap to keep me warm.  While adjusting him on my lap, Randy pulled his hand back and continued to listen to the speakers.  Tyson extended his hand to hold mine, but it was too difficult to keep holding it.  He held Randy's.  Brennon held mine.

At the end of the meeting, I thanked Brennon for keeping me warm.  His reply, "Yeah, I only did it so Tyson wouldn't be able to."

So much for thinking my son still loved me.

S-word

Kay, let's set the stage.  Imagine a bunch of kids, standing around on the playground.  Three girls, four boys.  One of the girls is telling the story: "Yeah, and he like totally said she was stupid!" (*Gasp*) They are all shocked! All looking at the one, the poor, sad girl "But you're no-ot!," sympathy dripping from her sympathetic voice, while patting her crest-fallen shoulder.  The girl instantly feels better having her friends crowd around her in love.  Beautiful story!

Here is what really happened to me on Sunday.  We're all standing around in the kitchen, when Shelby announces, "Oh My Gosh, remember that one time when dad said mom was sexy?"  Everyone begins to giggle.  Shelby looks at me with sympathy, "But you're not, Mom!," while patting my shoulder.  And then it was only Randy laughing.

Should I be offended that my daughter thinks I am a wart-riddled troll that is thoroughly unattractive?  Or be overjoyed that she doesn't know the definition of that word.  Or maybe she does, I don't know.  Maybe I need to make it to the spa a little more.  Wax my brows.  There should be two, right?!

New things

"Dad, I have been learning a lot of new stuff!

Randy: "Like riding a bike?"

"Yeah, and now hula-hoop..."

"and not crying when I am asleep!"

Wait, what?!?!

Apparently he has learned something else. Brennon came to us last night, sobbing (It was two hours past their bed time)

"Mom!! Tyson won't stop pointing at me!!"

Lesson learned: pointing at your over-tired, over-sensitive brother in the dark produces desired pestering reaction. 

Check. 

Seasons

It's the season of Hammock Hair. Best time of year, in my humble opinion.