Osoyoos

In a friend's Christmas card, they sent a letter about some of the highlights of their year.  One of the things they loved, and would do again, was something that sounded like so much fun.  They stayed in Orroville, Washington to go to a Model Train museum in Osoyoos, Canada (pronounced: Oh-so-use).  So we hooked up our camper, packed up our car, gathered Christmas gifts to play with on the drive, and headed North.

We were safe, but the conditions were not ideal.  What should have taken us 4 hours ended up taking us 6+.  We arrived in time to set up the camper in the dwindling light (made even more dark because of the weather), have dinner at the only open restaurant in the tiny town, and play games in our camper until bed.  Not only was this an adventure to a new place, it was our first time trying our camper out in freezing temperatures.  Worked like a charm!

The next morning, we ate breakfast as we packed the car, and made it to the border with zero wait time.  While coming closer to the border the night before, we saw that it would take 45 minutes to go 8 miles, because of the border.  On this morning, without a wait, we made it to our destination in 15 minutes.  With time to kill before the museum opened (like our time in Seattle, we gave ourselves plenty of time for traffic), we took a little drive around the beautiful Osoyoos lake.  It was fun to see the change in speed limit signs, and the different gas prices.

It was one thing to read about this museum and another to see it with my own eyes.  I wasn't prepared for just how grand this place was going to be!

"In 1979 the Pedersen (Poul, Ulla, Joe, and Lotte) family packed all their belongings, including the trains, and moved from Denmark to Spain, where they stayed for a couple of years.  Poul had no sooner started to put up the train when he had to take it all apart again since another move was on the go.  Off to Canada they went in 1981 and Osoyoos became their new home town.  Poul built his own house, including 2000sq. ft of train room as usual.  He worked on that layout for 17 years and then it was time for another move."

"Now here we are today, and they hope this is their last move.  They built this warehouse in 2000 with about big room for the train, which was still just a hobby."

"After a couple of years, the family had a brain storming session and decided to open up the display to the public for the first time in 2003.  At that time, Ulla and Lotte got heavily involved and took over the creation of the landscaping.  Poul was very happy with that solution, as he did not care for the landscaping part."

"It started out very small, with about 500 sq. ft. of display.  Each winter they worked in the evenings and weekends to make the display bigger.  As the display has grown, so has the amount of visitors."

"Now that they have run out of space, they are re-vamping the older sections with new products that have come on the market, and upgrading a section at a time."

"The little people come from Germany, and are made of white unbendable plastic.  Ulla (the owners' wife) has hand painted more than 25,000 little people over the years."

"Trains have always been Poul's passion.  He enjoys building the frame work and laying the tracks for the more than 45 computerized trains currently running."

 Arms extended, one side of the first room of four, with place for one more (Caden) at least!

 Look at the detail under the "water."  That's a sunken treasure boat.

 Do you see my full-grown Mister looking tiny in the expanse?!

 Do you see the mountain scape towering above his height?!

 If this was a real town, this would be a place we'd go!

A few minutes into our perusal, the lights began to dim, and the display became new again.  We were transported to a different museum, without even leaving our spots!

 Day

 Night

 Day

 Night

 The mountain is on fire!

Pictures do not do this place justice.  You cannot believe how MASSIVE this place is.  There is SO MUCH.TO.SEE!!  One of the owners (Joe) was there fixing things and adding new features.  In one of the rooms, probably the first 500 sq. ft. room, he asked us if we'd seen the five wedding scenes after telling us more about many aspects of this incredible display.  We'd only seen one, so we all searched for a full 10 minutes to find the others.  Six people looking for ten minutes for four wedding scenes-- that's how much there is to see!  Every scene you could imagine was present, including mermaids!  Like our friends, Mike and Karen, I'd go back in a heartbeat!  Like I always do, I thought, "Caden would have loved this!"  He was missed in all aspects of this adventurous vacation.

The roads were much safer on our drive home. We made it home yesterday by 5:00pm.  I can't wait to do this again!!!  If you are looking for an unforgettable adventure, this is highly recommended!!!

Kids'

While Randy was talking with Mike Stafford about some of the cars he has, and is currently fixing up from the auction, Randy made two decisions: 1) He wanted to fix up an Expedition EL when we needed a family vehicle, and 2) He wanted to help Mike fix up a Ford Focus for Keilie.  Randy wasn't able to fix up the Expedition, because of the rushed circumstances we found ourselves in, but he did end up agreeing with Mike about the tow capabilities, so that's what we bought.  I know Randy looks at the one Mike is currently fixing up for his family and compares the price we paid, and feels a little ill.

However, since one of Keilie's Christmas presents was Driver's Ed (starting February 24th), Randy realized that he wanted her to learn to drive, as well as pass all of the tests, using the car she'd eventually be driving, so he told Mike to go ahead and look for a Ford Focus for Keilie.  The next day, December 18th, we won the bid for this 2016 Ford Focus with 28,000 miles for $2,050.

Mike said it was a close call.  Randy told him our max offer was $2,000.  When he went on to bid, someone else had already bid $2,000, so he quickly put in another $50 and we won.  Considering the air bags didn't deploy, and we can understand why it was in such high demand.  When it arrived and he assessed the damage for himself, Mike said it will end up being the easiest he's restored.

Leather seats, reverse cameras, large touch screen-- all the bells and whistles!  Randy's hopeful that with everything complete, we'll pay around $5,000- $6,000 for essentially a brand new car.  Not too shabbidy-shab! 

It's technically a Kids' car, but with four years until Shelby turns 16 and only 2.5 more years of Keilie in High School, it's Keilie's.  Hope she doesn't end up feeling too entitled because of this incredibly cute, girly, sporty first car.  We wouldn't want her to end up like her mom, needing seats removed and mats purchased in order to be happy with a new car.

Two silver vehicles purchased within a one month period.  We're buying cars willy-nilly now!

It was supposed to be delivered to Mike's house on Friday, December 21, but the truck from Spokane to Richland was already full.  Then it was supposed to be delivered Christmas Eve, but the truck broke down in Connell.  It would have been pretty special to have it delivered on Christmas Eve, because Caden's Bronco was delivered Christmas Eve 2016.  Oh well.  It ended up being delivered today!  Randy plans to go over tonight at 9:00pm to look at it, and maybe do a little work.

11:00pm update:

They worked for 20-30 minutes tearing everything apart and making a list of needed supplies, and then sat around and talked for and hour and a half.  I love when he hangs with the guys, doing stuff he loves to do.  Welding, snowmobiling, and elk hunting in Casper, and now shooting, duck hunting, and restoring cars in Richland.  He's going to take the kids skiing with friends soon, too.

It's fun to see how this car is coming together.  It has a fun backstory, this first kids' car.

Merry Christmas, Keilie Ann!!

Sing

I LOVE that Shelby is a member of an all-girls choir!  I love it even more because they're associated with the Mid-Columbia Mastersingers program which allows them access to some pretty cool venues and performance opportunities.

October 15, 2018

African Children's Choir

 

November 10, 2018

Mid-Columbia Symphony & Mastersingers

Excerpts from Tosca

I wasn't able to get pictures of her, because she was part of the much larger (in physical size and member number) Mastersingers choir for only 8 measures of a song on the opposite side of the theater from where we were.  It was an amazing night, even if Tyson fell deeply asleep.

December 14, 2018

Richland Player's Theater

The First Nowell

(Shelby's shirt was tucked in until she went to the bathroom and forgot to tuck it back in.  Dang it!)

As an opening act, the girls' choir and the young women's choir both sang three songs.  It's much more impressive when you consider that all of these 4th-7th graders memorized their three songs, yet the older girls did not.  Marianne Larsen, our ward choir director and the director that asked me to play my flute in the all-women's choir a few years ago, is her director.  I may be a bit biased, because she is a dear friend, but I think she's the epitome of the perfect choir director.  She has fun with the girls, will only consider something if it benefits the girls, and is just strict enough that they love and respect her.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect director to help hone Shelby's skills.  And she does have skills!  WOW!

Because they already knew the song, Marianne added one of their songs to our Ward Christmas program yesterday in church.  Shelby, Sydnee Larsen, and Jordyn Purcell, all friends from this choir, sang one of their songs in front of 421 people that attended our Sacrament meeting.  They sang out, not one of them looking or sounding nervous.  How could I not tear up watching my daughter sing her heart out without fear?!  Her voice is so beautiful!

I can't wait to see where this voice takes her.

Entitled

I loved our Chevy Trailblazer, but I couldn't stand that for the kids to be able to get to the third row, they had to climb over the middle seats, many times kicking siblings in the head as they went.  When it came time to buy a new car in 2012 I told Randy that I wanted something with an aisle in the center.  I now realize we lucked out finding our Yukon as fast and effortlessly as we did.  We went to a dealership that had just gotten a trade-in that day (it still hadn't been detailed) that was well within our budget.  Signed, done, on the road.  I put "aisle" on a pretty high pedestal from the first kick to the face Brennon received as Caden crawled over him to get to the back.

When it came time to buy our new car, I told Randy I didn't care about anything but having that aisle.  Truly, I didn't feel like I needed to even see the car before signing for it, as long as it had that aisle.  But when it came down to it, I had to change my mind.  We were running out of time before the car really did become unsaleable, and it was becoming increasingly obvious that the vehicle that Randy really wanted didn't come with many that had the aisle, so I tried to convince myself it wouldn't really matter.  We placed a plastic protective covering on the back on the seat, and planned to keep it folded down.

 It was our hope that the covering would keep the carpet on the back of the seat nice, since it was going to be stepped on every single time we used this car.  I am going to sound like a mega brat right here, but this is truly how it was.  I kept getting annoyed that the one thing I cared about had to be compromised so much.  This one thing was for convenience every single time we drove this car, while some of the features that Randy wanted are only used while towing.  Yes, we tow a lot.  Yes, we need a great towing package.  Yes, I want something that can get better gas mileage as a massive SUV, but this was something that benefitted the entire family every single time we used it.

Because it is a regular sized seat for both heigh and depth, it was difficult to step over.  If the girls were wearing dresses (once a week, not just occasionally), they couldn't really maneuver getting over without flashing the world.  It just became more and more of an issue for me.  So, like a petulant, entitled, whiny child, I asked Randy to take out the seat.  And he did without a single complaint, or even annoyance, even though it was freaking difficult to position himself for maximum access to the bolts that were tightened by machines to ensure that seat would not come out in an accident.

With the seat removed, it left actual holes in the floor (not Flintstone holes in the floor, but you could see the road as you were driving), along with holes in the carpet so the seat could have solid metal to rest on.  Randy found me some mats that we hoped would work to cover every square inch of that missing seat ugliness.  It felt like Christmas morning as we took the mats out of the box and into the car to see if the work Randy had done for his high-maintenance wife was all for nothing, or exactly as we'd hoped.

It turned out better than I could have hoped for!!

Every inch of carpet is covered with these mats.  Mira hair is no longer a worry now that we can just sweep it out!  Good thing, because the Shop Vac, duct tape, Scotch sticky roller, and the horsehair brush on my Shark didn't get it off from our Thanksgiving trip to Ashlee's last month.  These mats took care of two of my biggest concerns with this vehicle.  I got exactly what I wanted, and I couldn't be more happy.  I can't remember: am I a teenager or a nearly-40 year old woman?  Either way, I love this car so much more now!

Merry Christmas, Stephanie Dirks!!!

Andie's Prairie

Randy started his vacation on Tuesday.  While he didn't have to do much work, he still had a few things to do... because he got two contracts signed in two days!!  This brings his total sales to three sales in a three month period.  It's pretty exciting!!!  

With days ahead with not much planned away from home, we decided to take a day trip to a place we haven't been before-- Andie's Prairie in Oregon-- to go sledding.

For 90 of the 95 miles, we were thinking we might have made the trip for nothing more than a scenic drive.  We were nearly there when Keilie realized that it still looked like Fall outside.  "You mean we've been driving for an hour and a half for probably nothing?!"  That was exactly the case...

Until mile 92 when we started to see a dusting of snow.  By mile 95, we were in this.

There is a designated place to park, with a trail we were glad others had traversed because I wouldn't be able to tell which way to go without it being tramped down.

Even as we were walking up to it (and I do mean up-- I logged 18 floors on my FitBit), you couldn't see just how cool this Sno Park was.  And then you crest the plateau to see the amazing fun you're about to have.

And just like that, the hour and fifty minutes became more than worth it!

I don't like activities where I can't easily control my speed.  I don't like barreling down large hills/mountain sides on a bike, skates, sticks, boards, sleds, or even running legs, because it's too easy to lose control and crash.  I have been sledding only one other time, and skiing once and never again.  I'm not afraid of heights, just not being able to slow down from the height drop.  After watching my family sled down the tall side a few times, not to mention Tyson on his stomach a few times, I knew I needed to show my kids that I can conquer my fears at least once.

I almost made it to the bottom unscathed... and then I biffed a magnificent biff and rolled three times before coming to a dizzy stop with snow in my nose, ears, mouth, hat, scarf, boots, and coat.  We all laughed and laughed.

But we weren't done laughing, because a few minutes later Tyson yelled down the mountain, "Hey, Mom, this is how it's done!"  I kid you not, at about the same place I did, Tyson crashed and rolled.  I guess I am doing sledding right.  I find that I enjoy sledding more as the observer and photographer, so that can be my job when we go sledding.

Because we didn't know more about this place, we didn't bring Mira.  We'll not make that mistake again.  We already can't wait to come again!

Lexi Walker

Tonight we got to see Lexi Walker in concert at Richland High.  It was so much fun!!  It would have been a great night had it been just our family, but it was even more fun to have Randy on my right and Jamie on my left!

 This was the season for concerts for our family.  I could tell that Tyson and Brennon weren't as excited after a few of Lexi's songs, but once they started a sing-along, they got more into it.  Since Lexi became more "famous" after her YouTube "Let It Go" in 2014, she had the audience help her sing that one, plus a medley of Christmas songs.

One of my favorite songs that she's done is "The Prayer" with Jenny Oakes Baker.  She did it tonight, but it wasn't the same-- no one can replace Jenny!  It was a beautiful night filled with beautiful music sung by a beautiful girl while I sat among people I love.

Second Chances

I would assume that if you are given a second chance to make something right, you'd think you'd double and triple check to make sure it was returned in perfect, pristine order, right?!  Especially when it is something that has as many facets of value as this. 

The top picture is the Before, with the chipped black paint.  The bottom is the After.  Immediately you can tell they worked on it.  I was surprised to see the background so different from the one I had seen 300+ days this year, but I was most surprised and disappointed to see this...

What the heck is this?!  It is so stark to me, I wonder how they missed it, how they could let it come back to us like this!  Again, if you're given a second chance to make something right, you'd think you'd double and triple check to make sure you're giving your best work.

Under the eagle had some glue residue stuff, so I took some warm water, soap, and a scrubber to get that off.  I scrubbed and scrubbed (and scrubbed) that headstone, eventually getting the residue off, but not those marks.  I've scrubbed it twice since.  That black paint is there to stay.  

It's ironic that I'm hoping the black paint starts to disappear in less than 10 months.  However, because of the feel of the background now, I know that paint has a very rough, porous, perfect surface to really cling to.  And I think, nothing about Caden's story can ever just be easy.

Definitions

In an effort to finish the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, as challenged by President Nelson, I have been spending my Sunday mornings in bed, reading and listening.  I read at other times too, but I have come to really love my Sunday morning rituals. 

A few weeks ago, while listening and putting on my makeup, I heard something that didn't quite make sense to me.  I went back and read it again and couldn't quite figure out what it meant.

In the chapter heading it reads: "The Lamanite hosts are repulsed and pacified."  I was confused.  How can someone be both repulsed (disgusted) and pacified?!

This was when I found out, at 37 years old, that repulse has two meanings.  Now it made sense!  The Lamanite hosts are repulsed (driven back by force) and pacified.  The Nephites drive them back, talk with them, tell them that they didn't take their women, that it was most likely the Priests of Noah that fled during a siege,  tell them that the pact they made with them is still being kept, and the Lamanites are pacified.

I have read this probably 20-30 times in my life, and yet it has never dawned on me until now.  I love stuff like this!

Service

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were all spent in service, and it felt wonderful.  After years of being the family that needed the help, it feels amazing to actually be a contributing member of the community again.  "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God." Mosiah 2:17

Way back in October, on the way home for the Alma Weekend, Rebecca Ritchie ran some inspiration ideas past Maren and I for the upcoming Ward Christmas Party she'd been asked to head up.  As we talked about things to do, I felt so much excitement for her inspirations and volunteered to help if she needed.  Because of a mix up with Shelby's choir stuff, I didn't think we'd actually be able to attend the party, so I "signed up" to help wherever I was needed as a jack of all trades.  As it turns out, the choir stuff changed and we were able to go.

Friday was spent gathering perishable food.  After Thanksgiving, Maren and I went to purchased paper products and food that could last in my garage; Friday was all the rest.  Because Maren had a sinus and ear infection, Rebecca had a meeting, and Randy was home, I volunteered to grab the rest of the food "myself."  It turns out it was a good thing Randy came-- 500 pounds of water bottles from shelf to cart to car might have been a bit much.

I got a new kitchen gadget: a commercial chopper.  It was delivered on Thursday, and both Randy and I couldn't wait to use it.  After grabbing 20 pounds of onions and 140 roma tomatoes, we were giddy to start.  I donned my serious onion gear...

 And got to work.  10 pounds of onions and 65 roma tomatoes perfectly diced in 20 minutes.

I didn't get a picture of the onions, because, hello, they stunk-- we got those babies covered immediately, as you can see in the top right-- but seeing them set out like this, we didn't think we needed to keep going with the dicing, no matter how much fun we were having.  It became apparent pretty quick that we'd over estimated how much we needed to feed 350 people.

I would rather have more than enough than not enough, but we could have done with half of everything purchased, except for the 100 pounds of shredded pork-- we had maybe 3 pounds left over.  Randy and I have some stuff to take back today-- it's a good problem to have.

Saturday, December 15

I wish I would have seen a picture going around Facebook (I am linked to Randy's account, but I never go on anymore, now that I don't have to update people on Caden.  I made a pact with myself about 7-8 years ago not to have Facebook, because it was too addicting and made me realize that I looked at my life through a less-than desirable light as I was looking for other's good times when bothered or bored with my current situations.  My life is happier without Facebook.), because we most definitely looked more "Bethlehem" than "Zarahemla," but it was fun to work together with Randy to make our costumes.  We ended up taking off the head covering and just using the tie for the head, and looked my more "realistic."  The girls took off their headdresses all-together, and I just used it as more of a scarf.  Next time we need to look more like Nephites, I'll try for more of this...

Sunday, December 16

Because of the generosity of our ward, we were able to collect food for a local "charity."  A woman that cuts Mara Kraus's hair talked with her kids' school a few years ago about collecting a few boxes of food for their less fortunate friends that has now turned into a much larger collection.  Various schools have asked her to collect for their students as well, so that they'll have breakfast and lunch at home during the Christmas Break, since they won't get it free at school.

We have always done a Giving Tree in connection with our Ward Party, but this one was a bit different.  We have either done one where we collect food to fill a box for Salvation Army, with specific items purchased for an entire box of food, or one where we purchased "toy/clothing/gift for ____," and other such suggestions for a few families in need.  This one was to help this woman collect specific items, but instead of one family buying all items for one box, we took tags that said, "5 jars of mayo," or "4 boxes ritz," which made it quite easy for people to buy.  It was super easy to look at all of the tags and take more than one tag when you knew you needed to buy multiples of the exact same item, especially knowing that each item was approximately $3.00.  The last Sunday before the party, the kids wanted to each grab a tag of "5 mayo," excited to walk around Walmart with a cart of 20 mayo.

With the food collected and counted from the night before, Mara was supposed to deliver the food at 3:00pm, to be sorted and delivered to the various schools this week.  The Kraus's Yukon XL was filled from front to back, top to bottom.  We unloaded her car quickly (not because of the rain, but because it was infectious, this service) and got to work unpacking boxes to count and organize each item, since we weren't the only organization collecting for this amazing purpose, in preparation to stuff individual boxes.  Cereal, peanut butter, jam/jelly, mayo, tuna, pasta sauce, noodles, granola bars, fruit cups/cans, top ramen, and other similar items were collected to fill a box for more than 150 families.  Seeing all of the food lined up and organized-- the sheer volume of it-- made my heart warm.  So. Much. Generosity.  It was a joy to be able to serve and see.

(Picture send 12/17/18)

I slept deep last night, waking with the heavy sore of one that was beaten by a prize winning boxer.  I'd do it all again in the blink of an eye.  It feels amazing to serve again.

Listen

A friend's son left on his mission a few days ago.  As she was telling me how difficult it was not to have easy communication access, I literally saw the change in her countenance.  I could tell she was thinking about how I must feel not having any access to Caden, that she felt super bad for having any complaints at all, and that she just wanted to take it back.  She slightly jerked and then quickly changed the subject.  I asked her the question, she regretted her response.  This is one of those things that one would call collateral damage from cancer care.

I am one that loves to hear stories, loves to hear more about those that I am talking with-- I love the little details.  I love to glean information to store away, to remember those little details that I can bring up again in conversation.  I care about the hard things, too, not just the good, happy, light stuff.  Potty training, sickness, dances, missions, aversion to laundry and dishes, difficult days with kids, depressing moments that really bring you down, I truly care-- and want to hear-- about it all.  I know we are still in the thick of a very hard trial (at least I am), but I really do care about these things, even if I am struggling.

An ear infection, or cold, or pneumonia is so much more curable than cancer, absolutely, but that doesn't mean that I can't empathize with the struggle.  Some of my saddest memories have to do with my kids' ear infections.  And don't get me started on how mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining potty training is!  And although my kids look like angels that can do no wrong sometimes, since I don't write about every little nuisance here, they have had their moments where I want to run away for a whole week just to get over the rage coursing through my core.  I can totally empathize during a vent session about how difficult motherhood can be.

While I have chosen just a few examples, there have been more instances where someone was talking to me, many times about something I had specifically asked them about, where they will almost "realize who they're talking to" and slightly jerk and then quickly change the subject.  "Oh, I can't complain about my kid _______!  At least my child is still alive."  "She probably doesn't want to hear me complain about my kids' stuffy nose that makes it so they can't breath, which kept me up for hours last night.  Her child has spent multiple nights in the PICU!"  And on, and on, and on.

I know it is human nature to worry about saying the wrong thing, or to actually say the wrong thing.  And I know I have done it, too, that awkward "I can't believe I just said that to them" moment.   But it is one more thing that I hate about cancer, one more thing it has taken from me.  I really care about others.  I want to be that listening ear, that person that remembers that one time 15 years ago you told me that your birthday was December 13, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  I want to sympathize and empathize with all of the little things that feel big in the moment (or week of potty training that turns into months... or, "we'll try again in a year"), just as much as I want to sympathize and empathize with those that find themselves in the cancer world or burying their child.  I want to be there for you.  I want to help.  I want to be your friend.

Life is difficult for a variety of reasons.  I don't hold the corner for ultimate suffering or hardest hard.  I still truly care.  It's confusing to wish that people could forget, but never forget.

Empathy

A couple of weeks ago we heard the news that Randy's boss's boss's daughter was diagnosed with cancer.  Like Caden, they took her in for what they thought was pneumonia and heard that word that scars the heart and seers the mind forever.  I immediately knew I would put together a care package for them.  I just didn't realize it would be so hard.

Almost immediately I started to feel the terror come back to me of our diagnosis day.  My heart reached out to that mother in a very real way.  I know how it feels to be so completely blindsided with news that scares you to your very soul.  And then I thought of the 12- year old little girl that heard {that word} in reference to herself.  I cried for her, because I knew a little of what was in store for her.  And then I thought of her sisters, and sobbed my heart out.  This box was going to be full of purchased gifts, sure, but also some of my heart.

I gathered things for Mandy, the mom, Maya, the fighter, and Anna and Leah, the siblings.  I didn't get anything for Bryan, the dad, because I know his biggest concern right now is for his girls.  It was easy to choose Game Night and Movie Night stuff for the siblings to initiate time as a family.  It was easy to write words to these two girls that will be pulled along down that raging river, a step behind their parents and sister, battered and beaten almost as much as those in the river ahead of them.  Cancer happens to everyone in the family.

With their portion solidified, the box sat open and ready for a few more days, patiently waiting for the last two additions: letters for Maya and Mandy.  I procrastinated while feeling the restless urge to finish.  I knew I needed to do it, that I wanted to do it, but it was a hard thing to sit down to write words to two people about something that I know intimately and still fear beyond anything I've ever feared before in my whole life.  It was also very, very hard to censor my words so as not to scare them.  Because aren't we everyone's worst nightmare?  It's hard to portray hope at the beginning of their cancer story when ours ended as it did.  It's hard to tell her "You've got this, Maya!" while also using past-tense words for Caden.  I hope she sees the "nearly four years of cancer care" in a way that means, "Caden's done," not "Caden died."

It was also so, so hard to fully tell this mother how truly sorry I am.  Empathy is difficult to experience sometimes, it is also difficult to express sometimes.  It was hard to censor my words to her too, so I focused on things I knew she'd do.  Look at her children more closely, Live each day as if it were A Last, Laugh more as a family as they spend more time together, and Document every aspect.  While I haven't gone back to read most of my words, I will forever be grateful that I wrote it all down.  I don't need words to remember now, but someday I will.  I will never regret the time I took to document the good, the bad, the miraculous, the heinous, or the joy.

As I taped it all up and delivered it to the post office, it felt like a massive weight (more than the 50 pounds that box literally weighed) was lifted from my shoulder, and that maybe a bit of my heart was literally going with it as well.  I felt emotionally spent after crying so hard and pouring out my heart as I wrote to these friends I've never met.  I needed them to know of our love and concern for them during a time we understand more than most, this beautiful heartbreak time.

Needing to lift my spirits a bit bunch, I decided to make Thank You cards for Randy to send to a few co-workers that helped him close his most recent sale.  All was going great until I ran out of a very important supply: glue.  So Randy and I headed to Hobby Lobby, and then to Starbucks for the gift cards.  I was feeling happier, much better than I had just a few hours earlier, until we got passed by a speeding Ambulance on the Freeway.  That one thing, coupled with my reflective memories, put me over the proverbial edge once again.  I could barely breathe as I sobbed.  Poor Randy, he didn't know what happened.  He's used to my tears, but he usually gets some sort of warning.  "Choose Happiness" didn't quite work out for me today.

I know I will feel better in the morning.  But reliving and remembering to offer empathy was one of the hardest things I've had to do in quite some time.  I'm grateful I could, but I hope it's many years before I have/choose to give of myself in that way again.  I will, of course, if the need arises, but I really hope it doesn't for more obvious reasons than it simply hurt my feelings and made me feel a little bit broken today.  Cancer really did break me.  Only time will tell whether I'm stronger because of it.  If you were to ask me tonight, my answer would be wracking sobs in the fetal position.  My empathy hurts tonight.

Me?

Tyson walked in on me looking at some pictures the other day and asked if the picture I was looking at was Caden.  I had to pause for a second-- it was a picture of him!  He didn't believe me.  A few people, including Randy, have told me that Tyson looks just like Caden.  Randy has even started a folder on iPhoto called Caden Tyson, because he can't tell which is which for some of the similar age pictures of the boys. 

I never have that problem.  Ever.  I clearly see Caden, and I clearly see Tyson.  To me, they look like brothers, but I have never mistaken one for the other.  On the other hand, if Brennon and Tyson are facing away from me I have a hard time differentiating between the two.  But when I see the faces of my boys, there is no question who they are.  Honestly, I tried to get two pictures for a side-by-side, but I couldn't find two that looked close enough alike as proof.  Maybe I'll have to have Randy do one.

I'm glad I don't see what everyone else sees.  I miss Caden enough without always mistaking Tyson for him. 

Matching

Since 2003, when we purchased our very first Christmas tree, I have used the exact same decorations.  I love the look of an elegant tree.  For our main tree, we use our yearly Christmas ornament, the one that is a representation of our year together, and my color scheme ribbon and balls.  The kids have their own 4' tree that they can decorate how they choose with the ornaments that they make or are made for them when they are little.  I usually also try to match our wrapping paper to my color scheme.  I just like things to look uniform.

Last year I bought some wrapping paper on clearance-- four rolls that coordinate perfectly.  However, when it came time to wrap presents (I started the Monday before Thanksgiving, finishing on the day after Black Friday), I realized that my need for uniformity was screaming that my wrapping paper wasn't going to match my tree decor.  So... after 15 years of the same tree, I decided to branch out.  (Oooo- I didn't even mean to create such a fantastic pun!)

While at Hobby Lobby, taking advantage of their 50% off all Christmas, I started to wonder what the heck I was doing.  Stress of any kind since October 2017 keeps me up for hours into the night, not to mention a near breakdown in the moment.  I went in with a tiny idea, so I grabbed the bare essentials and got out of there as fast as I could.  Then it was time to start assembling, and I had another panic attack.  I am a HUGE copier, but I didn't have anyone to copy for this project.  This was just something I had in my head from things I'd thought looked neat over the years.  The work ended up being exactly what I needed!

 I grabbed two mesh rolls measuring 6"x30'.  Starting with a tie at the very beginning, I measured 12" and tied, 12" and tied, until the end.

Next, I made two bows with three differing sized ribbons.  I've been making these bows since High School, when I worked at Ben Franklin Crafts, but this was the first time I ever attempted to use more than one ribbon.  I just sandwiched the Christmas ball pick (Randy calls them antennae) between the two bows and tied them super tight together for my tree topper.

I was so worried from the very beginning that I was going to waste Randy's hard earned money by either ruining those bows, or hating the end result.  I was propelled forward at all ventures with fear and anxiety.  But as soon as I started to actually place them on the tree (a tree that I put together but didn't fluff yet, because I was so worried), I started to get more and more excited that what I had envisioned in my head was going to be just fine.

 I was very pleased with my end result!

2003-2017-- Maroon and Gold

2018- Bold Red, White, Green & Lime
Matching brings me happiness!

Side Note: On the Monday that I started wrapping gifts, I got a table, scissors, tape, and gifts all set up in a nice assembly line.  As I was grabbing the wrapping paper, I remembered I'd purchased one for each child.  I kept searching and searching through my Christmas wrap pile for the last one.  Searching and searching, counting and recounting, reality caught up to me with a sucker punch to the heart-- I don't have need for five wrapping paper choices anymore, the four I have are the only ones I need.  Even after a year, it still feels like a bullet in my heart every time this happens.  I still count five.  It's confusing to want to count five, to miss counting five, but to almost wish I wouldn't count five because it hurts so much every single time.

Origami

Brennon has been interested in Origami for a few months now.  Some friends had him over to their home and did a craft with some decorative paper, and ever since he's been hooked.  He's even gone so far as to watch a few videos when he found one to be particularly difficult.  Tyson wanted to do it with him, but found himself frustrated more times than not, many times even asking Brennon to "help" as he watched him do it all, before he gave up on the endeavor altogether.

A few weeks ago, Mike Salisbury saw Brennon folding the Sacrament program before church began.  We've always been early to church, but now that we need to sit on a certain side to see Randy on the stand, we get there early-early.  This leaves the kids with time before the meeting in addition to the hour and ten minutes of reverence.  They've been taught since infancy to be quiet, so they're really good.

A few minutes into the meeting, Mike handed Brennon back an Origami bird, showing him that if you pull one part of the bird the wings move.  Brennon was captivated.  It took him a second to learn how to pull it just so, and then he sat staring at the bird as if he was cherishing it.  It was pretty cute.  But then he did something that surprised both Mike and myself-- he started to take it apart!  I was mortified that he was so obviously being rude to take apart the gift!  But, being Brennon, he was just planning to astonish us all-- he wasn't cherishing it, but memorizing the look and learning how to make that swan himself, no videos needed.

Brother Salisbury stopped me in the halls, telling him how stunned he was that Brennon did that.  He'd never had someone take one apart like that to learn how to put it back together.  It made my heart swell to hear someone praise my Brennon.  Brennon has a sharp mind and eye.  He really is a neat kid!  Who knows, maybe he and Tyson will both be engineers...

After church, Brennon changed his clothes and got right to work.  I barely had time to change my clothes before I captured this at the kitchen table.

 "I just want to make sure I remember."  He'd put Brother Salisbury's back together a few times during Sacrament meeting, but hadn't been able to do another one during the two remaining hours of church.  Those two hours are full of activity, so I'm sure he was worried he might have already forgotten.

He didn't forget.

His closet has now been transformed into a bird cage.  His shelf, and some of Tyson's, is now lined with the best of his many different Origami creations. Boxes that have lids was the one he was most proud of before this new feature-- moving parts. 

I made sure to send Mike an email with pictures, telling him Thank You for giving Brennon his two-fold gift.  He told me he has a few more projects he could teach him, anytime.  With a gift we got for Christmas, Brennon will have plenty of supplies to take for a lesson with Brennon's newly-appointed "Origami Master" in the New Year.  I love that Brennon has something visible to showcase one of his talents.

Joking?

We played a couple rounds of Codenames last night before switching over the Picture Codenames.  Remember, the first time we played Codenames with the kids Randy gave the boys the word "doctor" in hopes they'd choose "nurse."  "Let's choose 'brush.'  Cause the doctor always tells you to brush your teeth!'"  They've grasped the concept a bit more with practice, even going so far as getting "space" and "time" when Randy gave them the clue "continuum" last night.  It was really cool to witness.

During our second round of Picture Codenames, Tyson contemplatively said, "I wish we had this game where it was just words."  We all stared at him, wondering if he was joking.  After a while, Randy said, "You mean like the game we just played?  Codenames?"  Tyson thought for a second and then his face split into a grin.  "Oh.  Yeah."  And then we laughed and laughed.

Because Randy is always so tired come 5:00pm Sunday evening, and since we'd already had our FHE lesson and played 6 rounds of Codenames, we decided to watch a Christmas movie together as a family.  The movie was chose was a Netflix original where two strangers happen to meet that look like twins.  They didn't do the spin off where they were separated at birth, but that somewhere down the distant line a twin of someone had run off with an American and that they must be long-lost relatives somehow.  At the moment they ran into each other, literally, Tyson said, "They look just like each other!"  They sure fooled him.  He didn't even realize it was the same girl playing both.

With one supposedly the Duchess of somewhere foreign and the other from Chicago, one had a proper British accent and the other an American accent.  The girls decide to switch for two days so that one could feel how it was to be a normal girl, and the other could help a friend's daughter get into a ballet summer camp that the Duchess was head of the committee.  As they show the different stories of the two girls, Tyson, in all awe, asked, "How do they pretend to have a different voice?!"  We all looked at him, again wondering if he was joking.  As if on cue, we all started using a British accent we love to do.  Again, Tyson thought for a second and then his face split into a grin.  "Oh.  Duh!"  And then we laughed and laughed.

Glad to see that the boy with the sharp mind can have a bit of an off day!  He doesn't even have to try being funny to be funny.

Angel

We finished putting up our Christmas decorations last night.  I love what they chose for their Angel.

Kindergarten Caden!

It's a hard time of year.  Not as hard as last year, but still very, very hard.  My gosh, I miss this boy.

Merry Christmas!!!