Memory Wall

As we prepare for a celebration of marriage this weekend, my heart felt well enough to conquer another project that celebrates.  It was a labor of love, but something that really hurt, too.

Three of the pictures on the wall are mine, all others were given to me to honor The Boy in the Bed.  I'm fairly certain no other family has been as loved and support!  While I do see one small fault with the left side of the wall, I am pleased with how it came together, especially considering it was less than an hours work from trial layout to complete.  Heavenly Father knew I needed this, so he helped me out.  Who knows, maybe Caden was whispering in my ear.

I sure miss my boy.  I still feel an actual pain in my heart each time I think of him, whether happy or sad memories.  It still hurts so much.

After-school club

Tyson joined a club at school that he is really enjoying.  They do not have practice, only games, which only last 15 minutes each.  He actually told me it's hard to know if you've scored a goal, so it's good that his coach knows.  He said he just does his best to score, and finds out if his team has won at the end.  Now that's what it means to play because you love it, not to simply win!

Tchoukball (pronounced Chook-ball)

"Mom, did you see when I made my first goal?"  Feeling massively confused about what I had just watched, I told him I was there when he threw the ball at the trampoline thingy, but I didn't know if it was his first goal.  "Yeah, sometimes I don't know if it's a goal either."  I love that he loves it, even if the only thing I understand about it is that they use their team to get the ball to Tyson, who then throws it at the trampoline thingy, where they all hope it's a goal.  Good news: Tyson's team won!

Memories

I love it when things around town remind me of my childhood and family from so many year ago, and so many miles away.

While waiting in line at Joanne's, I looked up to see this gum rack.  I remember my Mom telling me how much she loved this gum as a young girl.  It made me miss her so much, even though it brought me comfort and happiness to be reminded of her.  I hope I am giving my kids similar type memories, so that no matter where they live, they'll always have something to remember me by.

On Time

Keilie and I had an experience today that actually made me miss Seattle Children's.  It's weird to realize, but even with the hundreds of appointments that Caden had over the course of his treatments, we were rarely kept waiting, either in the waiting room or the actual room.  I recognized it then, sometimes even marveling at it, but it was made even more apparent how amazing that was after today.

Keilie started her ADHD medication again in November.  Upon seeing how much she was struggling, with school and life, we approached her with the idea.  She's always been the one to decide whether she wants to take it or not, but we've always encouraged her to try and and see how she felt about it first.  With her failing grades, which lead to anger and depression about life itself, we reminded her of her previous statements that she could tell a difference in how she focused and how much better she felt while on it during the school year.  She agreed and asked me to make an appointment.

The appointment this morning was to make sure that all was well.  Because the medication suppresses your appetite and can speed up your heart, he needed to check her over and access how it was all going.  The appointment was at 7:40am.  I wasn't certain that we were the first appointment, but I did have my suspicions.  We arrived at 7:35am, was shown back to the room at 7:42am, where the MA did vitals and security questions, and then left in the room with these parting words, "Keilie, you're the first patient of the day.  I haven't seen doctor yet, but when he arrives, I'll tell him you're ready."  By this time it was 7:52am.  Annoyed.

By the time he walked in at 8:10am, I was super annoyed.  Keilie was missing school as we waited around for the doctor to even get to work.  Why schedule a patient for a 7:40am appointment if you don't plan to arrive on-time to work?  It made me wonder if the times we've had to wait for 30+ minutes for a well-child check-up was simply because he was 30 minutes late for his first appointment of the day, and the delay just kept right on going.  I finally had to sit on my hands to keep myself from checking the time every minute-- I do not like being late.  30-minute wait to have him check her weight stats, ask about her heart, order us three more months, and tell us to have a good day and call if we needed him.

While I do not miss much about our experiences at Seattle Children's, the fact that we had maybe 10 appointments where we weren't in and out within our scheduled time frame (for appointments, not things like ER visits or unexpected blood transfusions) is pretty amazing.  One thing that I always think I'll miss, though, is Sue.  I will always love her for who she was for Caden, and me.

Warm nose

(Not a posed picture.  I found her like this) 
Sometimes you just need a warm nose to sleep.

We sure love this adorable creature.

Tubs and Trix

9:30pm last night, Randy semi-jumps up and says, "Will you come outside and help me with something?"  Tucked in tight with two blankets (imagine burrito on the couch), in thermals, sweats, and triple layer socks, I whine, "What?  You want me to go out in the cold?"  Randy, mind made up (I saw that look in his eye, and knew this was going to happen), "I want to see if we can move the hot tub."

Randy and I have not used the hot tub that came with this house more than 10 times.  Honestly, when we were moving in, I was almost startled to see it in the backyard, I'd forgotten about it.  They may have considered it a selling point, but it pales in comparison to what the actual house had to offer me.  If it was housed in a sauna-type outbuilding, I'd appreciate it more.  I love hot, lobster skin-making baths!  But if there is wind or the possibility of chill, either while I am in the hot tub or getting out, it's a deal breaker for me.  It is a rare night that I wanted to get out of my warm clothes and into a swimsuit, walk in the outdoors to open the heavy cover, only to get warm, have to get out and cover up before air touches my water-droplet skin, put the heavy cover back on, and then walk back in the house to peel off my wet suit and dry off.  It just wasn't worth it to me.  What should be a relaxing thing felt anything but.

*Disclaimer: I will miss it when the Wilsterman's come over.  The kids used it a bunch when we'd come home from the pool.  They endearingly called it the "Hot Pool."  Seeing as they only come over a week or two in the summer, it was used maybe 10 times in a year between kids, and Randy and I every year.  The electricity, water, chemicals, and time Randy took to keep everything in check for it, simply to be ready, was just not worth it at all.*

Randy took some quick pictures and posted it on Facebook.  It was basically sold in less than an hour.  Randy, being Randy, started to regret offering it for that price.  "I was hoping to get $1,000 so I listed it at $1,500.  Now I wish I would have asked for more since it went so fast."  I would have paid someone to take it away...

So while I'm adding more layers, inwardly grumbling until I can outwardly grumble in his presence, Randy grabbed the tools that he wants/needs for two people to move an 8-person, 1,000-pound hot tub.  "He is coming tomorrow with 3 friends.  I just want to do most of the thinking of how we're going to move this tonight before they get here tomorrow."  Randy's "thinking" always involves "doing."  Remember that one time where he asked me to help him push the piano over to the door, to "see" if there was a possibility it would fit through the door directly onto a trailer he'd backed up to said door, and we ended up moving an entire piano from one house to the other all by ourselves?!  Well, imagine the two of us, lit by a single bulb in the dark of night, Randy with a moving dolly lifting with his body weight as I quickly placed furniture dollies under two sides, then him putting the moving dolly a third side as I pushed with all of my strength.  The exertion sounds, the grunts and breathes, could put any bodybuilding competition to shame, so loud were we was I.  Awesome.

Eighteen inches.  We moved a 1,000-pound hot tub-- all by ourselves-- eighteen inches.  We would have moved it more, but the wiring needed to be accessed and cut.  Granted, I make it sound like it took hours when it only took about 10- minutes, but it felt like hours as I froze and grunted and grumbled.  My mind was screaming, "What do I care if this guy gets here with his three friends and has a hard time moving this thing?  If we break it as we lift one side and then the other, then we're the ones that end up hauling this thing to the dump instead of selling it.  I don't want to be out here, at this time of night, freezing, so that four grown men have less time working on it tomorrow."  I'm telling you, I know that I am a petulant child when coerced (he never forces me to do it, but I know he's just crazy enough to do it himself, so I always help) to do something I don't really want to do, but it was cold, and I was sick of being cold after and entire day of chill.  Hence the thermals and sweats and two blankets wrapped tightly around me just 15 minutes before this nut-job idea came into Randy's head.

"Honey, thank you for doing that with me tonight.  I'll sleep better knowing I have a plan to help them tomorrow."  And just like that, I was done being annoyed.  "If you would have lead off with that, that it would help you sleep better, I would have done it willingly and without annoyance.  I'll always do stuff if it helps you."  I LOVE helping others, being someone people can count on for help, options, or knowledge, going out of my way to make others comfortable, but I do have my limits.  And that limit is getting cold apparently, which is the very reason that we're getting rid of this hot tub....

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I can't remember exactly how the conversation got to this point:

Tyson: "What?!  Trix has sugar?"

He may be able to do 7th grade math quicker than Brennon and Shelby (without ever being formally taught the principles and steps), but he doesn't know that Trix cereal contains sugar.  Interesting.

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 Notice the furniture dollies near the men's feet.  Randy's idea that they all commented helped out a bunch get get it in place. 

 Notice the lone man in the back, pushing that hot tub onto that trailer and out of his life.

I was ninja snapping my pictures from the warmth and cover of my closet window.  It was super windy, so there was no way I was going to get chilled taking my pictures.  It's nice to have it gone, nice to see the space, nice to not have the feelings attached, just nice.

Drowning in shame

It has finally happened.  It is something that I never thought would happen to me, simply because I rarely ever put myself in a position for it to happen.  It fills me with regret and shame and a bit of self loathing.  I dropped my cell phone in the toilet.

I do not put my phone in my back pocket while I am at home.  Most times it's on a couch, on a counter, on the bed, but never in my back pocket.  So when I heard the "plop," I was startled and confused.  It didn't take long for me to whip around and viper-like grab it out and rush to get it put in rice.  I have owned many phones over the years, but never have I done anything to break them-- I've never even cracked a screen!  The phones were either handed down to a child, or upgraded to a smartphone 7 years ago, at which time the clam-shell phone became a toy.  I am just so mad at myself.

Randy took it into the repair shop this morning as I took Keilie to a doctor's appointment.  If I thought I felt shame last night, it was nothing compared to the shame as he relayed to me that it was a minimum of $60, with no guarantee that it would work.  Just dumb.

Edit: It only cost $20!  They dried it all out and gave us the option of replacing the screen that had been damaged by the water, but we decided not to change it out.  There is a small smear from the bottom up that looks like a thumb swipe that took away the dimness that I need for my eyes and made it full bright.  But it will not spread, will not get worse, and is only a little distracting as you scroll-- not worth the extra $90.  Keilie doesn't understand my joy that I will NOT be getting a new phone.  She doesn't get me yet-- Once I find something that I use and love, I'm loyal to the last possible second.  Brooms, Yukon XL's, phones... I get great satisfaction taking them to their last possible point of use.  It's an obsession, really.

Temper Tantrum

This is going to be one of those posts where you want to slap me and say, "First World Problem," but I am a whiner, so I'm going to write about it.  Grandkids, patience is a virtue, so do as I say, not as I do!

I love the Walmart Pickup app.  I have had many, many great experiences being able to "shop" for things that I need as I look through my cupboards, and pick it up on Monday morning before the kids go to school.  I feel so accomplished, somehow, when the shopping is picked up and put away by 7:30am, even though I wasn't the one to actually go to the store, place them in the basket as I walked aisle after aisle, and then load them into my car.  Walmart Pickup, where were you in Casper when I had five kids under 8 years old?!

As I was selecting a time to pick up my groceries, I chose the 7:00-8:00 slot, because it literally said, "Less Busy."  Done!  I love Less Busy things!  I got a text at 6:55, though, saying that they weren't finished with my order, and to please wait for another text before coming.  So I waited.  At 7:16 I got the text, by 7:24 we were pulling up to Pickup.  The second I saw the scene, I was ready to leave.  All 15 spots were filled, with one car waiting.  But Randy said we should wait.  So I did.

By the time it was 7:45, I was getting antsy.  Truly, the only thing we needed that night was milk, so I told him that we should just cancel the order, go in a grab a gallon of milk, and just go shopping for real tomorrow.  He called them to see what the wait time was.  They said 30 minutes.  This was good enough for him.  I was fuming.  I watched the door like a hawk over the changing digits of our clock.  At one point, they had only one person loading cars.  At another, no one came in our out of that door for a full 10 minutes.  Three times, someone came out with an order, only to walk that order right back in.  I was getting SO grumpy, and told Randy that I was done, that I just wanted to cancel, that this was the worst way to spend a Friday night, that we didn't even need the groceries that bad.  Since it had been the 30 minutes, he called again.  They told him that we were third in line.

Now, by the time they brought us our stuff, they were SUPER apologetic.  They'd let us know that we could just come back the next day, but Randy didn't want to.  They apologized again and again as they practically threw our groceries in the trunk.  I did feel bad for them, but I was also very upset.  I'm fairly certain I burned rubber as I sped out of the stall for home.  From the time we got there to the time we left was an hour and ten minutes!  All for a stupid gallon of milk (and other things, but we didn't need those that night).  As we were cleaning out the last of the groceries, Tyson said, "So, where's the milk?"  I'm not even joking, the rage that exploded in my body reminds me of the fire that comes from Anger on Inside Out.  I was boiling.  Randy called, because he knew I couldn't.  We got back in the car and headed back.

We got our cold stuff within 30 seconds of pulling in, again being apologized to profusely, but I still felt a bunch of stress seeing the other 8 cars that had been there when we left.  I'm pretty sure one or two of the cars had been there longer than we had.  Because corporate doesn't want to lose too much money during this season, they told all employees that they couldn't get overtime.  As soon as the shift ended, they were to go home.  That meant they had to scramble to find salaried employees to come into the department, learn how to operate it, and get the groceries out to the waiting cars-- their hands were tied, they had to go home.  What a joke.  Except no one is laughing!  I still feel so much anger thinking about it!!  And, honestly, it took time for me to fall asleep, because I was still just so keyed up with rage that we waited an HOUR AND TEN MINUTES for a gallon of milk that we had to go back for!  Blah!

New Year's 2019

Ashlee and Russ asked us on Friday night if we were up for visitors from Sunday to Thursday.  We'd resigned ourselves to staying home to give Shelby and Brennon time to claw their way out of the hole of homework made from the Flu, so it was nice to have family willing to come when we couldn't go anywhere.  Shelby was mainly the one that needed the most time, so she buckled down and worked extra hard for two days straight (and I mean two full days of nothing but studying and eating) to get to a place where she knew she could spend all the time with them when they arrived.

We didn't have definite plans for New Year's Eve, other than I wanted to invite someone that had a daughter Aria's age.  Since Caden's passing, she's suffered every time we get together because there isn't someone that really includes her in their games.  Caden was there for her every second, every game, every snuggle, so I wanted to give her the chance to meet a friend of her own.  All other kids have someone (Keilie was going to a dance, otherwise she also feels it deeply with Caden being gone with being so much older, alone, than everyone else), so I thought of a family that we knew that had a daughter in Kindergarten.  I found the perfect one: The Gibbs.  From the moment they walked in the door and the girls were introduced, we rarely saw them again.

We had a bunch of finger food type snackies, and just played games from 6:00pm to 9:00pm when we rang in the New Year with New York, banging pots and pans (enough to break wooden spoons!) and screaming.  It was a blast.  As soon as we did that, I drove Keilie and Ellie to the dance while everyone got their littles into bed.  Randy, Ashlee, Russ, and I rang in the New Year for real in a much quieter fashion as we waited for Keilie to get home.

The next day we had plans to take the kids to Chuck-E-Cheeses with the money our parents gave us for Christmas.  Not only would they have a blast, at Chuck-E-Cheeses, but they would have a blast with cousins!  Love that kind of gift!  However, I woke at 8:00am with a stomach ache that had me nearly passing out from the pain.  I'm not even a little embarrassed to say that I needed to lie my face down on the cold tile in front of the toilet to keep from passing out-- it was bad.  I thought it would be a one-and-done occurrence, but it ended up coming every few minutes until about 11:00am, at which time I truly did pass out in exhaustion and take a three-hour nap.  It was brutal.  So my view of the fun was this...

I'm so sad that I missed all of the fun of the gift from Grandpa and Grandma Burrell!

On their last night here, we decided to get out of the wicked wind (you'd think it would be heavenly having 52 degree weather in January, until you factor in the Casper Wind that chills you to the very bone!) and have some fun in the church gym.

 It started out as Badminton, because, you know, wind, but quickly turned into basketball...

 All was going great, until Shelby jammed her thumb while attempting to catch the ball.  One more having a blast in the Nursery.  *It was funny to see Ashlee react adversely to someone playing the drums, when I've been tuning it out and talking over it for three years and didn't even notice when it was banged* 

 After a small break and thumb ministrations, it was then time for some Ultimate Football.  Ashlee and I left the little kids to watch the fun.

I think we all could have stayed for another few hours, but Brennon's asthma became bad enough that it actually scared him and the Wilsterman girls.  I hate the fear I see in his eyes as he's gasping and trying to fill lungs that kind of suck at being lungs.  It affected them the rest of the night.  We've decided that it will be a tradition to play in the gym if it is too cold (or in this case, windy) to play at the park, and that we'll always play a game of Ultimate Football.

It was a great way to ring in this New Year!  We are always sad to see family go home, and always look forward to the next time we'll be together.  I can't wait to see both sides of our Utah family in a few weeks as we celebrate Jackie and Darwin's 50th wedding anniversary!

Grateful

As I close out this year in words, the one word that comes to mind is: Grateful.  I am grateful for our health.  I am grateful for Randy's job, which he loves-- he's never enjoyed work this much.  I'm grateful for Reunions with both of our amazing extended families-- Burrell's July 2019, Dirks January 2020.  I'm grateful for the community of friends that surround my kids and us.  I'm grateful to close out another year in my dream home.  I'm grateful to have another driver for those times that I don't want to get groceries or take kids to activities.  I'm grateful that three of my kids have started on their orthodontia journey, and that they'll all have straight teeth before High School.  I'm grateful that I survived the year without a mental breakdown-- I was really scared.  But most of all, I'm grateful for the knowledge that we're Sealed together Forever.  The pain is still so intense, the Missing still so acute, that I honestly don't know where I'd be without the certainty that I'll be with Caden again, that I'll see his face and kiss his cheeks and never have to let him go.  I look forward to the day where I'll bathe the feet of my Savior with my tears as I thank Him for making it possible to one day have my entire family together again.  I'm grateful.  I'm so grateful.

Christmas 2019

We told the kids not to wake us this morning until 7:30am, but we ended up greeting them at 6:30am to enhance the surprise and fun of the day.  My only gift request was a quick picture in front of the tree.  All presents were opened by 7:30am.  All presents were up in their room by 8:00am, including Shelby's room makeover (Remember her sweet Santa List that said, "Quality time with Mom and Dad").  All Christmas decorations were packed away and rooms vacuumed by 9:00am.  The rest of the day was spent napping, snacking, and playing.  PERFECTION!!!

 December 25th, not June 29th as you might be tempted to think from these shirtless pictures.

After Christmas lunch, we napped and went to visit Caden.

 Just a girl driving her family in the big vehicle on the way to her brother's gravesite.

I love that we didn't plan for it to be so festive, but it turned out that way anyway.  I also love that Randy found a better angle to take our family selfies with Caden.  I still cannot believe that this is real, that these are the only pictures we'll ever have of him ever again.  My heart hurts so much still whenever I think about the loss.  It's a very real, physical hurt, like someone has punched me, or my heart is literally burning me from the inside out.  I just can't believe it's real still.  I'm so grateful we're a Forever Family.  The alternative would truly break my heart.

"Polar Express"

We woke up this morning at 3:30 for an adventure.  Jackie and Darwin gifted us with a more-than generous gift this year, so we decided to purchase and experience instead of something that could be set aside after a few weeks.  We'll never forget our "real" train ride.  I say real, because we've taken the Hogwarts Express and other amusement park train rides, as well as a commuter train from Roy to Salt Lake City, but never have we taken a train that has rails from one end of the country to the other, with many stops in between.  It was an experience we will never forget.

(Ticketed tote filled with goodies and games)

We arrived at the train station in time to watch a few trains come and go by in a flash.

It was neat being able to decipher that a train was approaching because of the growing sound and vibrations.

Five minutes before our train was scheduled to arrive, they called us forward to give us our seat assignments, because we were the largest group travelling.  Everyone else was just sent to the train to find an open seat.

Because Randy is used to the hustle and hurry of plane boarding, he didn't know we had enough time to stop long enough to attempt a selfie-- which I asked for-- instead, just snapping a picture of us in front of the train before checking to see if we were even looking, let alone smiling, at the camera.

 We were a bit loud trying to find our seats before realizing that people were actually on the train and sleeping.  It should have crossed our minds that people would be on the train already, but it just didn't.  We boarded the train at 5:25am for a 5:30am departure, so the poor people that had ridden from Spokane or before got a rude awakening as we talked in our loud way telling the kids to "find our seats, you two here, you two there, sit down, smile at the camera, isn't this so cool?!"

 The embarrassed, repentant screamers, ready for a day on the rails.

 I'm not one that can easily fall back asleep once I wake up, no matter how little sleep I got.  My anxiety rarely allows for a nap, even if my body is completely exhausted.  Once that alarm goes off, I'm awake until I take drugs to help me fall asleep.  It was fun watching out the window as I sat next to my sleeping Mister while the light came more and more into the train car.

 I wanted to capture how amazing the train seat experience is!  Not only do the seats have enough room between each row to allow for the seat backs to come back all the way, but they have an actual leg rest and foot rest to recline comfortably-- think Lazy-boy!  They're double in width than a plane seat, and are just all-around incredibly comfortable!  Not to mention the 5 bathroom stalls, extra space for kids to roam, sleeping cars, and a dining car!!  I wish I could ride the train to St. George, Utah in a few weeks!

 I love that I got to see Mount Hood with the sun coming up, the beautiful Columbia River, and the opening of the clouds at just the right moment.  It was majestic.

 It was only for a few minutes that we got to see the sun coming up-- once we passed Mount Hood, the clouds became too thick again and became our expected gray day.

 Love the view inside and outside of our train car.

 We arrived in Portland at 9:40am, well rested and ready for a day of play!

 Finally, our selfie, even though you can't tell we're in front of a train.

A security guard saw us trying for one, so he asked if he could take one for us.  You still can't really tell it's a train, but it's nice to have it anyway.

 We walked through the station (which was 10 times bigger and nicer than our station in Pasco) to meet our mode of transportation --another experience for everyone, other than Randy-- Uber.  We were on our way to The Cheesecake Factory!

 My mouth, it waters!

Shelby and Tyson shared a Teriyaki Chicken, Keilie got a steak, I got a Margherita Pizza, Randy got some steak medallions, and Brennon got Chicken Taquitos.  We all shared from one another's plate, but then shared three slices of Cheesecake: One carb-watchers Original Strawberry for Randy, an Original Strawberry and Salted Caramel slice for the rest of us.  We were all STUFFED by the time we were done!  We walked around the mall that was attached to The Factory for a few hours and then ordered another Uber to take us to an attraction that Randy has always wanted to do...

 The tram that goes from the river all the way up to the top of the mountain.  

Randy has come often to Portland, but never done this.  What better time to go than when you're on an adventure?!

 There wasn't much to it, other than the 360 degree view, since it ends at the Medical Center College, but it was fun to do something that Randy has always wanted to do.  The smell took me back to the many months I spent in the hospital (which didn't feel very grand), but it ended up making me incredibly grateful that we never had to worry about spending any of the "big holidays" in the hospital.  We missed out on a few fun ones, Caden and I, but never one that we cared too much about.

Because Ubers were starting to add up a bit, and because there wasn't too much to do on Christmas Eve, we got our last Uber back to the station to wait for our train departure.  Not the funnest, but we would have done the same thing if we needed to catch a flight.  Sometimes you just have to be bored as you wait to board!

 We had to giggle that all of our kids were on their electronics.  Since they hadn't had them the entire day, and because they never get a full day of "free time," it was like a treat to be able to have them for so long.  I seriously wonder if they were a little glad that we waited for two hours at the train station, since they got to do whatever they wanted on their electrons!

 Yep!  We're the parents of those addicted kids!

The station started to really fill up, with benches filled and people standing around, waiting.  We found out that one of the trains that commutes daily from Seattle was delayed.  Where they should have departed an hour and a half before us, it was now delayed until an hour after us.  How grateful we were to board our train right on time (it parked and stayed in the same spot the entire day) after seeing people somewhat stranded at the train station on Christmas Eve!

Because the sun goes down so early this time of year, our train ride home was all in the dark.  We'd wanted to head towards Montana for our train ride experience, but because the sun goes down so early, the entire trip would have been dark at the most important spots.  It's not just being on a train that I wanted to my kids to experience, but watching the landscape speed by, which is why we decided on Portland in the first place.  Well, that, and Cheesecake...  The dark didn't stop Keilie from trying to see what passed.  It was also really neat to come up on all of the Christmas lights as we neared towns.  It added to the magic.

 We made it home at 9:00pm, opened our Secret Siblings gifts, and sent the kids to bed, telling them they couldn't wake us up before 7:30am.

 I don't think there will ever be a Christmas that doesn't make me cry as we set out filled stockings and put the finishing touches for Christmas Day.  I miss him so, so much.  It still hurts more than I can say.

 What a grand adventure we got to go on today.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!