What a day!

Monday, June 26th

Richland Stake Youth Trek

4:56am- The kids could not wait another minute to play with their cousins, so they woke early to play.  This made the adults super happy.  {Yawn}  Caden woke this early for Trek, immediately got dressed, made his lunch, and then anxiously sat around till our 7:20am leave time.  When we asked if he was excited for Trek, he always responded that he didn't really know what to expect, so he didn't really know how excited he was.  The way I see it, if you wake up in the four o'clock hour on your own, you're pretty darn excited.

7:20am- I asked Caden if he'd put on his deodorant.  "It's all in my bucket (which was checked and packed in the trailer on Saturday night).  I'll get everything prepared when I get there."  Yeah, right, like you're going to want to pop those buttons, raise your arms, and slather your pits in front of your friends!  We captured a few pictures at the church before his friends started to arrive and then came home quickly for him to get fully ready.  You're Welcome Trek family!

It was difficult to drive away.  Knowing what we know, I wanted to stow away and watch him experience this amazing opportunity.  And, to be honest and totally real, I cried as I drove home, thinking, "This week is a glimpse of how it will be when he is gone.  Four kids with me while he's doing spiritual things away from our earthly home."  My gosh, it hurts so much knowing our time is so short.

It was also hard knowing that we were going to have some blistering weather.  While Ashlee and I were spraying sunscreen on our kids at the pool at 1:00pm, we were commenting how hot it was and how much we were sweating.  I said my thousandth prayer for my Caden right then.  I took this picture at 3:00pm exactly, anxious knowing that the hottest part of the day is between 4:00-6:00pm.

I shouldn't have had to worry about the heat-- a completely unexpected storm blew in before 6:00pm, drowning us in both water and worry.  It started with a loud clap of thunder, a blinding flash of lightning,  and then immediately we had sheets of blowing rain and hail.  A thousand prayers were offered in less than an hour.  

Once we found out that the storm was much worse on our side of the mountain, that the Trek members had to hunker down for only a few minutes while it rained, it was much easier to breathe.  They had a difficult time pitching tents in the wind, but everything was dry by the time they were ready for bed.  Bishop sent me a message at 10:33pm saying he was doing awesome.  I slept last night.

During the most stressful time, just after a series of consecutive lightning flashes, we started to smell smoke.  And then we saw the cause...

A home not 2 miles from our home had been hit.  It took four fire trucks to get it under control, despite the rain.  Oh, the wind!

Ashlee and I drove by from a distance after getting the kids to bed.  Still battling the blaze two hours later.  It was heartbreaking to see the devastation.

And then our day came full circle with a beautiful sunset.  Just as we experienced many weather experiences during this one day, so did we experience many emotions.  Adoration seeing Caden dressed in his Pioneer garb.  Joy seeing his excitement to go on Trek.  Sadness driving away, knowing I would not witness his amazing experience.  Sorrow thinking of our reality.  Fear and anxiety at the changing temperatures and weather conditions.  Relief hearing they were safe and dry and well on Trek.  Love having family here to distract my kids with play and fun and post-rain dancing.  And the absolute confusing hardship and relief it was to have Hospice come to our home.  I still felt this overwhelming desire to ask her to leave, that this was all just so wrong, yet knowing how much we need them.

Hospice will come into effect as soon as we are done with radiation on July 18th.  Insurance will not cover both radiation and Hospice at the same time, even though his radiation is end-of-life care, like Hospice.  So, they'll check back in with us in a few weeks.  They are able to offer a nurse weekly to come into our home, who will be the eyes and ears for their medical director and attending physician.  They can prescribe Caden comfort medicines that will be delivered directly to our door, so that we never have to worry about leaving him to get his medicines.  They are able to change those medications on a daily basis, if needed, to ensure that he is as comfortable as possible.  They can get us equipment within the day, things that can make him comfortable, whether that be a bed, a bedside table, a commode, whatever will make it easier for Caden.  There are also support groups and activities for grieving parents and siblings.  "Anything and everything needed to make sure that we are all as comfortable as possible during this difficult time."

It was agony as we talked about his passing.  Words needed to be spoken that felt like fire as they left our throats.  We will have the option of having him home, or choosing to have him pass in their hospital setting.  She said it is completely up to us, since it varies on a situational basis.  Some want it to happen at home, while others wouldn't be able to live in their home if their loved one passed there.  I'm not sure what we'll do.  Mostly because it's too hard to think about right now.  And it hurts so deeply knowing that we will have to do these hard things soon.  As I listened to her say that once he's gone, we just need to have the nurse come and pronounce him dead, that they'd call the funeral parlor and take care of the rest.  I didn't cry, which surprises me, because it all just felt so surreal, like we were talking about someone else.  It can't be my son that we are talking about, right?  Oh my gosh, my son is dying.  I drove Randy to the airport moments after our meeting.  Our drive was silent and heavy as we both processed what we had just sat through.  Reality is cruel and unforgiving.  Reality is gut-punching us when we least expect it, and ripping out our hearts while we try to live a normal existence.  I can't believe how much this hurts, and how difficult it is to find something good at times.

We had a meeting with Hospice yesterday.  We talked openly about witnessing our child die while they help keep him as comfortable as possible.  Oh, what a day!