Fog

School let out for us this year on Tuesday, June 12th.  On Monday, Shelby mentioned that it didn't feel like the end of the year.  I agreed with her, not really understanding what made us both think that.  I wasn't completely ready for school to be over with the mounting pressure that comes before the release of school expectations, I wasn't completely excited for summer days, I wasn't dreading anything either.  I felt nothing, like it was just another passing day, just more days adding up without Caden and the feel of our entire family together. 

I have been reflecting over it for a few days now, and I think I know why.  It's because we are still on auto-pilot, we're still simply surviving, we're still in the haze and fog of grief and adapting to our new normal.  Nothing feels like it used to always feel.  Sometimes, everything feels like it's all just nothing.  Time is just moving, sometimes without us really being cognizant of the activities around us.  Finding Nemo's Dory has it right: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  What do we do?  We swim, swim, swim."  This first summer without our Caden, swimming is all we have planned to do.  Eight months, yet still SO surreal.