Honest

I was pretty sick on Monday.  I woke super exhausted, not really wanting to exercise, but told myself to stop whining, that my muscles would warm up and wake up, and to just get myself in gear.  But I didn't feel better, I got much, much worse.  I realized last night that I actually couldn't remember much of Monday.  When I asked him if we'd done Father's Blessings, because I honestly couldn't remember anything past lunchtime, he looked at me like I was joking.  Or nuts.  I was that sick.

Danielle asked me yesterday if I'd gotten First Day of School pictures.  I hadn't prepared at all for them the day before, and I was just too sick the early-morning of.  But, if I am being completely honest, I think I couldn't really prepare for it because it was so hard for me to think that one of my kids had this last year...

And this this year...

Sometimes it's hard keeping up traditions for the other kids, because I am fighting a massive battle inside.  They're getting the shadow of their mom right now, and it breaks my heart.

I thought it was a stomach bug, but maybe I am just heart heavy.  This is one of those times it's hard not to mourn missed opportunities.  Caden would have been a Senior in High School this year!  A Senior!  If he hadn't had cancer, had had a "normal" childhood, we would have been helping him prepare for graduation, college, and mission papers within this year-- all hard to realize we'll never do.  I know where he is, I know he's not suffering anymore, that he'll never suffer again, but that doesn't make it easier for me right now.  I'm severely missing my son.