Irrational

Sickness around the end of December/first of January is always going to be a trigger for me.  Always.  Not only did Shelby and Caden get sick December 2013 through January 2014, but the downward spiral of the worst depression of my life started December 2014 when all the kids got a fever at my parents house.  Everyone was sick (not only my kids, but my sisters' kids as well-- it was bad!), but because Caden was sick, it flipped a switch in my brain that sucked me down, down, down.

It seems that every single year since, we've had sickness.  And this year has been no different.  Tyson started telling me he didn't feel well on New Years Eve.  As Ashlee and her family were packing up to leave on New Years Day, Shelby could barely move.  Yesterday it was Brennon and my turn.  Fever, headache, weakness, no appetite.  Thankfully it's only a 24-hour kind of thing.  While I still feel weak today, I am doing much better hour-by-hour.

The pathetic thing about the whole ordeal is not that they didn't feel well, but that my concern for the boys was so much more than it was for Shelby.  Again, my mind was triggered to Caden's beginning, my fear was rekindled about my son being more than just "cold" sick.  I watched the boys closer, asked them about their symptoms more, and felt a deeper concern for them than I did for Shelby.  It's hard to admit it out loud, but it's the truth.

As Brennon gets closer to his 12th birthday, I do feel a stirring of unease.  I know it's irrational, but I can't help it.  I know I'd watch Shelby closer if it had been Keilie.  Ugh, even thinking of a different child gets me feeling nervous and fearful.  Anyway, I guess I just want to recognize that I realize I have irrational fears, and remember when I read these words in the future that I plan to work at overcoming these thoughts every chance I can.