Cynical

When Shelley asked the Primary kids how they felt they did for the Primary Program yesterday, Lexi Butler said, "I know the program was great, because Sister Dirks was crying."  It's true, I am a crier.  The gorgeous music with its beautiful lyrics sung by a child's voice gets me in the heart every single time.  It seemed that just as I got my emotions back in check, another song would come on and start me back up again.  It's never a sob, but tears do flow.  I'm hoping that it was at these times she saw me cry, and not at the end, when I was crying for another reason.  Yet again, my sorrow got me right in the mind and heart.

One of the last speakers told of witnessing her little brother's baptism.  When she told how neat it was that her older brother, Jacob, one of Caden's friends, was the one that baptized her little brother, I felt all the air go from my lungs in a rush.  My jealous, broken heart screamed out, "Of course he got to do that," as I remembered my devastation as Tyson said how sad he was that Caden died before being able to baptize him.  And then I couldn't stop the tears.  It is infinitely more difficult to be reverent when your sorrow wants to come out as a wail.  I have the hardest time reigning in my sorrow tears when it hits a certain point, so I worked hard to control myself.  To no avail.  So I just sat there with my eyes closed, not raising my hand to wipe the tears, in case it brought attention to myself, and just allowed them to fall to my broken heart.  A river of tears to give meaning to my drowning heart.

I wish I wasn't so hard.  How horrible I felt that I was so cynical of a child's baptism.  That got me crying even more.  I feel like such a bad person when these feelings pop up.  Why can't my first reaction be joy anymore?  Why can't I just put aside my own worries for even just ten minutes?  Zachary gets ordained-- Jealous.  Friends Graduate and go of to college-- Jealous.  Jacob baptizes his little brother-- Jealous.  And if I am being honest, I do feel a stab of anger.  Just like all others, I had a good sob in the car and at home (as well as the Chapel, obviously) yesterday, took a nap, and woke up feeling a bit better about the whole thing.  Now I feel nothing but joy that Clayton got to have his big brother baptize him.  But I sure didn't when I heard it.  And that makes me ashamed and sad.

The refiners fire is humbling me right now, I hope.  I didn't have this heart before cancer, and I'm working hard to soften it now.  I don't want to continue down this path, I don't want to stay this way forever.  Jealousy and cynicism are ugly, hateful, and hurtful.  But they are real for me right now in the depths of this grief.  I wish so many things about myself would come back, because the person I am right now is just a depressing shade of what she used to be.