Perspective

During intense periods of anxiety like I am experiencing right now, one of the things that is greatly impacted by it is my sleep.  It's a vicious cycle.  I'm so full of anxiety that it pushes me to go, go, go, move, move move.  This makes me physically and mentally tired by the time I go to bed.  You'd think that I would sleep like a rock, but instead my mind continues throughout the night.  Many times I wake up with a pounding heart, sweaty everything, gasping for breath without even having a dream to prompt such reactions.  I wake because my body is actually in a panic attack.  One such panic attack happened this week.  As I was trying to calm myself down, I thought back on the dream I could remember perfectly.  It was a good dream, calm and nice, yet my body woke me in a jolt with panic.  I woke exhausted, ready for another day of go, go, go, move, move, move.

For weeks now, I've woke at least an hour before my alarm.  Not all are in a full-blown panic attack, but all are something that jolts me awake, something where there is no chance I can go back to sleep.  I feel it begin in my brain, like adrenaline pulsing from my brain, down through my veins, waking everything up with electricity.  Many times, my eyes aren't even bleary, although it is much too early for me to be awake.  As soon as I start to feel it, my mind and heart reach out in prayer.  "Heavenly Father, I am so, so tired.  I don't know how I'll make it through the day without rest.  Help me make it through this day."

With days and days with me waking at 5:20am, exhausted and ready to start my day with a good sob, I was even more devastated to wake at 3:00am yesterday morning.  I did everything I could think of to help me go back to sleep.  Nothing worked.  I went through the day like a freight train, barely able to sit down for anything.  As I prayed before bed, I thanked my Heavenly Father for helping me make it through another day.  My watched logged 1,200 calories burned, I was truly good and exhausted.  "Please, Heavenly Father, help me sleep in tomorrow.  I am just so tired."

When I woke in a panic this morning, huffing and sweaty, I looked at the clock, and sighed a massive sigh of relief.  "Thank you, Heavenly Father, for helping me sleep in."  It was 5:20am.  How quickly my perspective changed in reference to my recent inner clock going off at 5:20am when I was presented with a 3:00am instead.  5:20am is not enough for my taste, but it's what my body wants right now, so I'll just be happy.

Life is like that sometimes.  We complain about something until we're given a glimpse of what it truly could be like, and then we're happy with what we have.  I'll take 5:20am every day, if it means I don't have to wake up at 3:00am.  I'm heading to bed now thinking back on a childhood chant Ashlee and I used to say: "I hope I sleep good.  Really, really good."