3-years

Between session of General Conference, which seemed so appropriate landing on the anniversary now that we know Caden's promise to himself to watch every session if he could, and the Lord helping him do that 3 years ago, we drove out to Caden's grave.  As soon as we turned down his lane, my breath caught.  I literally had a "heart attack."  As we approached, we found that three families had come together to show us some love: Jamie and Cameron Burch, Jason and Tara (Burch) Barrow, and Megan and Robbie Burch.

Shelby struggled with her grief all morning.  Tears flowed freely the entire time we were here.  The boys really enjoyed using the glorified hose pressure-washer-wanna-be to clean Caden's, our neighbors', and Landen Ostrowsky's headstones.

We didn't get them placed in the exact placement, sadly.  Isn't it such a beautiful outward showing of love?!

I used two bouquets of flowers given to me to make his bouquet.  It was second-nature to share the rest of the flowers to spruce up Landen's grave.

It's always so hard to get a good picture like this because we have to look up into the bright sun.  I still love that we do it as often as we can.

While I love all of the expressions shared with us, it's the 3,4, and 7-year olds pictures that struck me most.  Clara drew Caden and Jesus while Caleb drew Randy, Caden, and me.  Jamie let me know that they told the kids that they would be placed on his grave and they made the decision what they would draw on their own.  The innocence and spirits of children are so, so precious.

My 1st year taught me that Heavenly Father knows the hopes of our heart.  Soon after Caden passed away, maybe even the day of, Randy found Caden's journal.  We found an entry where Caden promised himself that he'd watch every session of Conference he could.  He missed the Saturday sessions that year because he was well enough to go to Homecoming, but was present for every session of the Sunday session.  After the last session, he went up to take a nap and came down after asking for his first dose of pain pills.  Heavenly Father preserved his pain and health to help Caden keep a promise to himself.  Conference was always our favorite family tradition, but it means so much more now that we know Caden's promise, Heavenly Father's goodness, and the memories that surround the last few days of Caden's life.

My 2-year anniversary taught me that no matter how much we may have prepared for the earth by the descriptions given, it could not have been learned in a better way than living here on earth.  I'd prepared myself for how it would feel in many different scenarios to be without Caden, but thinking and living are two different things entirely.  I was so scared that I was going to have to go to a mental institution, my mind felt so out-of-control and broken.  I barely functioned through my days, always wondering if I would know if professionals were needed.  Year 2, for me, felt worse in some ways than watching them close the casket door or walking away from his grave after we dedicated it.  I now have a testimony of why we needed to come to earth.

My 3-year anniversary taught me that peace can be felt in the absence of hardship.  As my September crept by, I took stock every day and thanked my Heavenly Father each night that the day wasn't as hard as last year.  As the weeks crept by, I continued to wonder when the wave would slam me to the point of drowning, but it never did.  Aside from one very hard weekend of remembered pain because another little boy had recently been diagnosed with cancer, I tentatively lived each day feeling better.  This morning, I woke feeling well and began my day with a prayer of thanksgiving.  During the prayer, a thought came to me that because it didn't hurt so much this year, it felt like peace.  There must need be opposition in all things.  To know joy, you much experience sorrow.  I now have a better testimony of why we need opposition.  Without that crushing hurt, I felt a peace that stayed with me on what I feared could be a very difficult day, General Conference peace aside.  

How grateful I am for the continued lessons learned, the strengthening of my testimony despite the outcome I never wanted.  I wish my Caden was with me, I'll always wish I could have him here with me, but I see now that he's still helping me towards my Savior as I learn from his death.