While watching Conference today, Elder Lund started talking about his son, using one word that explained it all, "was." The feeling of the story lead me to know that he was talking about a child that had died, probably of cancer. I was right. As he gave example after example of his son, it brought to mind many stories of my own. His son in unimaginable pain dressing without assistance on a Sunday to pass the Sacrament reminded me of the time we raced home from the hospital for Caden to bear his testimony, or go to a meeting for his quorum. Caden using the last of his strength and energy to go to Seminary the Friday before he died. So many similarities came pouring in.
While half-listening half-remembering, the doorbell rang. I was so annoyed! Who could that be? I don't want to put aside these feelings! I can't pause this, and I really, really want to keep listening, keep remembering. As we rushed to put the dogs out back, my despair at missing the talk was great. It was tempered a bit by the delivery of gorgeous flowers. As I opened the card, trying to grasp more of what Elder Lund was now speaking of, words jumped out at me, sending electricity through me in a way I recognize for myself as the spirit.
The timing of these flowers was not coincidental. Currently, at that very moment, I was reliving some of my very favorite memories of my Caden. Heavenly Father used Natalie and the deliverywoman to show me He remembered, knew, and loved us. If she would have delivered the flowers just 10 minutes before, it wouldn't have impacted me as much. I would have still loved the flowers, but the "memories" wouldn't have been as much of a spiritual experience.
This event reminded me of a similar experience two years ago, almost to the day.
Mike Stafford had been released as the Young Men's President a few months prior. He sent Randy and text asking if he and Maren could stop by. They asked us to sit down, it was that kind of delivery.
"While going through my papers, I found letters the boys had written to themselves, to be delivered when they graduated. I found Caden's."
With shaking fingers, I opened Caden's letter. As I pulled out the letter, written on the outside of the triple-folded paper, in his own hand, was written, "See you in a year." Electricity through my whole body.
Caden was a Junior in High school when he wrote that letter, so it would be in a year that he would have opened that letter. But the timing of when Mike found the letters and delivered Caden's to us was important. Had he found it the week he was released, it wouldn't have meant as much. He found it and delivered it to us on the weekend of Caden's anniversary, literally a year since we'd seen him alive.
Some of the testimony I've gained about the Lord's timing has hurt me. I would never choose for myself to have my child die, to have him suffer so cruelly. But other times, like these two experiences, have strengthened my faith and my confidence in my Heavenly Father. We have seen so many miracles throughout this one trial- before, during, and after cancer care- that have helped me learn that Heavenly Father is mindful, He has a plan, and He loves us more than we can ever comprehend. Lord, I will follow thee.
To some, the delivery of the flowers would have been a coincidence, maybe even nothing. But to me, it was a testimony builder for which I will never forget.
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