Happy

Disney World

I was contacted again by a Make-A-Wish representative, asking if they could use our story- including our picture, Caden's name, age, and diagnosis- in a Power Point Presentation for Disney World.  I don't think there could ever be a time that I would not consent to letting them use anything that they needed to further their organization's needs.  We owe some of our happiest memories to both of them- Make-A-Wish and Disney World.  I feel such honor that they cherish The Boy in the Bed's journey as much as I do.

Randy asked if I was disappointed that I hadn't kept the banner.  If you'll remember, there were a few huffy breaths ("hhhhhhhhhhhh") when I remembered that this was the one picture I wanted to capture.  This banner's purpose ended as soon as this picture was captured.  Like so many things with cancer care, once it is done, I want to get rid of it and move on.  It was as much as a relief to see that banner being crumped as it was to see the last bag of chemo removed from the IV pole.  It had done what it was supposed to do- and now it was trash.

Caden was helping Keilie fill out a questionnaire for Girl's Camp.  "What is your favorite memory?"  Keilie was thinking for a bit on the question, when Caden (in an exasperated voice) said, "UM? Disney World?!?!"  To which Keilie spit back, "I was trying to think of just one!!"  There are so many happy memories because of Make-A-Wish.  They changed our lives.  For Good!

Rivalry

One of my favorite things to do is put my kids to bed. I love the last hugs and kisses as they prepare for bed, most times telling me it is their bedtime. Their arms are a bit sluggish with exhaustion, so they hold on a bit deeper and for a bit longer. It was one of the hardest things to realize that I couldn't do during cancer care. I missed it. 

Last night was a hard night for me. I'm not even sure why, but it was. I didn't really want to put them to bed, but I hoped it would make me feel a bit better, so I did. Tyson scrambled to be the first one to give me a hug and kiss, bragging to Brennon that he got to be first. 

Brennon got out of bed, looked me in the eye, "I love you, Mommy," and grabbed my neck. I talked in my head, telling myself to be grateful that I got to do this tonight, telling myself to be grateful that my kids were all healthy, just looking for the good in everything that I could. That was short lived, I was just not in a good mood. However, Brennon was still holding on. Not wanting to pull away first, I just sat there, accepting a hug that I was ready to be done with. Like I said, I was in a bad mood. After a while, it felt like he was smothering me, so I looked over to see the look on his face. If he looked serene, I would suffer a bit longer. That was not the case. 

That boy had a smug little look on his face, eyes trained on Tyson as if to say, "I get to hug mom the longest!! Neener, neener, neener!!" I told him to get his butt into bed. Trying not to laugh. 

Tyson: "One more hug, mom!"

I said no. But not because I was in a bad mood. Those boys and their rivalry!!

Childhood

We are trying to figure out what the brown spots in our lawn are. They are spreading and killing our beautiful, green yard! We pulled out our sprinkler to aid in the efforts. Tyson was the only one home, and saw a perfect opportunity to play. 

As I watched his happiness for about 30 minutes, or so, I thought how very much this is what childhood is all about. He could care less about the brown spots in the grass. He only sees the fun. 

Childhood is magical. And wonderful. And absolutely beautiful to witness. 

Animals

It has been my month to teach preschool this month. This week we learned about animals. Since there are many opportunities to talk about animals, I thought it would be fun to actually see some. Tuesday we went to PetCo and stayed for an hour just looking. It was SO much fun watching them get excited about every.single.thing. 

Since there weren't any dogs or cats there, I decided to take them to the Humane Society for some feline/pooch action. But before that, a little birdie told me there were baby chicks at Ranch and Home (I could help myself on that one. Get it? Birdie. Chicks. *cough* Moving on).

*Squeal*

So many fluff balls!!

They're so fluffy!!

Randy was trying to convince the kids that the pecks didn't hurt. 

They went crazy with my wedding ring. 

Cassidy was the first brave one. The only girl in the class was the first one to stick her hand in. Girl Power!!

And then Austin. He's a year and a day younger than Tyson. He didn't even flinch when they pecked him!

I never got a picture of Ty doing it. He would only put his hand in if all the chicks were preoccupied;)

We stayed for about 15 minutes then headed for the dogs. Truth be told: I want a duck. 

The dogs were all yappy.  One was downright scary. It would have eaten these kids in one bite, had it been given the chance. We didn't stay long. 

And yes, Tyson told them the story of the dog that got a little too frisky. He stopped short of saying it ate his ear, though. Good boy!

The cats, however, were another experience all together. Not a single noise. This one let three little kids pet her. Three hands that could easily hurt. They touched her back, head, tail, whiskers, and paws- all while she purred at their attention. We played with this cat for 15 minutes alone, enjoying the chance to give some lovin. It was fun. 

I love preschool. I'm also a teensy bit happy that next week is my last week ever. Kids are so fun!!

Arrows?

Tyson: "Mom, why did the arrow say no?"

Me:  "Ummm....????"

(Before I could even really comment further) Tyson: "Because he didn't want to go to the park with his brother."

And then he laughed.  Hysterically.

So, naturally, I do, too.  Truly.  A real laugh.

Naturally!

Who wouldn't?!

Genius!

That's one way to get downstairs!

Still Cancer Free!!

Caden is STILL Cancer Free!!!!!

While in the Sealing, I gave my phone to the kids for something to do.  By the time we were done, my phone was dead.  I then asked Randy to take pictures for me.  This...

is the only one he got of the beautiful couple.  He is fired.  It's a good one, but that's just it, ONE?!  Does he not know me by now?  If you're going to take the time to pose, get at least 100!!  He is benefiting from a very convenient coincidence!

  Congratulations Tyson and Erica!

It was a beautiful day!  I sure love this family!!

Look at these adorable children!  Props to their parents for creating five masterpieces!

I wanted one with my Mister.  Caden was all-too happy to oblige.  He took many.  Caden, please sit down with your dad and teach him how to take more than just one!

I forgot, until Jackie reminded me, that I wore the seriously cute boots that hurt your feet after only five minutes.  Pain is beauty, my friends.  Pain. Is. Beauty.  That is why I still own said boots.  And that is why we left without walking around the grounds more.  I regret that choice.  It was a perfect Spring day.  No matter that there are 144 working temples across the world, this one is still my absolute, number one, never-to-be-replaced favorite.  I love the man next to me even more.

Families Are Forever!

Time

Today is Caden's 9-month post treatment scan.  Can you believe it has been nine months since he was cleared?  In some ways, it seems like it was only yesterday.  In others, it seems like a lifetime ago.  How grateful I am for Seattle Children's Hospital, Dr. Hawkins, Sue Ehling, Dr. Heely, and all of the countless men and women that helped heal 'The Boy in the Bed.' 

As stated before, I have been struggling with depression and PTSD.  I have had many hard times, hard days, and some hard weeks.  Circumstances placed me in a situation where I was completely out of control of my mind- it is not a good feeling.  I like to think of myself as someone that gives her all, that does what she puts her mind to, and conquers the challenges in her path, quickly.  I know what I want, and I get what I work for.  But with this, it was my mind that was broken in a time when I wanted to put my mind to work the hardest.  And I couldn't.  No matter how much I tried, how much I worked, or how much I wanted to.  At times, I felt crazy, lazy, guilty, emotional, and psychotic all at once.  I didn't want to do the dishes, yet I didn't like the house being a wreck, yet I couldn't get off the couch, and felt guilt when Randy did them for me, but was happy when they got done.  It was a very confusing time for me.  I felt adrift, lost, and scared that I would never get better.  Because no matter how much I wanted to forget, I always remembered how much I could do before.  I liked myself back then, I wanted that girl back.

Over the past few weeks, I have had days where it felt like the old Stephanie was back.  I would start to get my hopes up that all was well again.  I would hope for the end of my lonely, desolate road.  And then a few bad days would come and I was drowning in the ice-cold waters of despair, once again.  There was no reason why, I just felt sad or mad or lazy...  And the fear of the "new" broken Stephanie was suffocating.  Would I always live like this?

Caden's suffering had an end date.  I'm not saying that what I have been going through is anything like his pain, but we knew that on May 7, 2014 his massive tumor would be removed.  Then we knew that it was only two more rounds, that his last day of Chemotherapy would be on June 30, 2014.  That is the day that I consider him Cancer free.  There was nothing else that could have been done, treatment was over on that day.  But with me, I had no idea when my mind would be healed, no idea when my emotions would be more manageable, no idea when my kids would have their mom back or my Mister would have his wife back.  There was never an end date that could be given.

Time!  I am so grateful for the years and years of time that I get with my brave Caden.  I'm grateful for the weeks and weeks of one-on-one time that I really got to know my son.  He is even more wonderful that I ever knew.  He is my hero.  However, with time as my answer of healing, it felt hard to be grateful for an indefinite amount.  Would I be stuck this way for weeks, months, years?  With my personality of 'get it done perfect the first time, quickly,' it felt like time was my enemy.  Oh, how I hated time!

While talking with my friend about my "crash," she commiserated with me.  I've mentioned her before- her husband was diagnosed with Leukemia a few years after their twins were born.  As she and I were sharing our own hardships, it felt so refreshing hearing her say, "YES!" to my stuff, and hearing that her stories were just like mine.  Not that I would want anyone to feel as hopeless as I have felt, but that someone could understand how it felt to be so low.  To want something so bad, but not be able to really understand enough about the human brain to get it.  It's not enough to "Live in Thanksgiving Daily," it's just not that simple, sometimes.  And it killed me to know that I just couldn't do it.

After our talk, I felt a lightening of my burden.  Someone understood me.  Someone had gone through something just like me...and can function again.  She laughed with me.  She cried with me.  She hugged me deep, giving me the comfort that only one that truly understands can give.  It was a beginning of something wonderful for us both.

It felt as if our journey had brought us to an oasis, of sorts.  We sat down together under the shade of a tree.  We laughed together while dipping our legs into the cool waters of the babbling brook running next to our picnic.  We exchanged supplies from our packs, sharing what we could to help the other on the rest of their journey, keeping what we needed to survive.  Eventually it was time to continue our journey- it was time.  With tear-streaked cheeks, we embraced long, ignoring our weary arms.  One last gift was given from each- love.  As we left our oasis, a new spring in our steps, we began our journey home, once more.  However, our paths continue side-by-side now.  For how long?  Who knows?  All we have is time.

I have had some very wonderful, amazingly perfect days.  We're even coming on weeks!  I'm not saying that one talk has changed it all.   No, it has been a culmination of things.  But mostly, I know it is prayer.  I know that I'll have bad days.  I know that things will continue to get better for me.  The difference is, I can feel myself coming back.  In essence, I feel like I am waking up again.  I'm still stretching in my metaphorical bed, beautiful new bedspread draped over my legs, but I am sitting up, ready to begin again. 

Karate Kid 2015

Brennon has been VERY insistent since cancer care that he wanted to be put into karate. He would ask me every week if he could go. A new place opened up about 2 miles from our house, so a couple of weeks ago we went for a preview. The insistence jumped from 4 to 10!! He asked every hour until I told him he was signed up. Truth be told- I couldn't take another minute of his asking. He was bound to get his way!

He was called to go first every lesson yesterday, that is why he is farthest away from me. Look at his face- he was soaking it in. He was in "the zone" the entire class. You could almost feel his energy. 

He will learn to count in Korean, will learn all of the Kotean commands, and will work on muscle strength, endurance, but also body, eye, and mind focus. He will also learn that he needs to use mind focus to better him in other areas, as well. Each class he'll have to tell the teacher what he learned in school. At the end of class, he'll bow to us and say Thank You in Korean to show respect for bringing him to Karate. He was beaming. 

He easily kicked the red board in half. He almost ran to me, in his excitement. The teacher was so happy with his energy. 

The black board is the harder of the two. You can almost see the surprise of the teacher when he actually broke it. With eyebrows lifted high, he said, "Brennon, can you guess how many actually break this board on their first day?! Not many!!"  After watching the other kids try, I can see that he was right. It made Brennon's experience all the more special for him, and for me. 

I can't wait to watch a live-action preview of my very own Karate Kid 2015!!!

Hi-yah!!!

Potty trained

While at his Kindergarten well-child check up yesterday, Tyson and I had a good ole time playing games, making faces, and spelling words. And then came the talk about shots. 

I have never told my kids that it won't hurt. Mostly because I am one that needs to lay down and hold a teddy bear, when it comes to needles. I told him the truth (that he needed five shots) and that if he folded his arms, held his breath, and closed his eyes, it would be over quick. 

Good news: he only needed three. Bad news: The nurse was slow, so it drew out the whole process. Tyson was a CHAMP, though, and didn't even cry. The nurse and I commented that he did super great. 

After hearing that he needed shots, Tyson said, "I hope it doesn't feel like my bones are cracking," thinking of the flu shot in November. She assured us that she was using little needles. Good!

Today, while driving, Tyson told me that his shots still felt sore. "Mom, it's a good thing I'm potty trained."  

"Oh, yeah, why is that?" 

"Cause I would have peed my pants when she was poking me with all of those needles!"

Tyson, I totally getcha!!

70 days

15 years ago today, this man asked me to be his Eternal Companion.  I'm the luckiest gal on the block!

Randy's friend, Mike, came to me saying that we should plan a surprise birthday party for Randy.  Since planning parties is one of my favorite things on the planet, I was all for it.  He suggested that we should have it at Randy's favorite spot- White Rock above Perry, Utah- and that we should have pizza and sparkling cider.  Perfect!

Little did I know that Randy and Mike had planned a little surprise of their own.  Mike had recorded "When You Say Nothing At All" accompaniment with his guitar onto a cassette (remember those?) and wrapped it as his gift to Randy.  Then he and Stephanie (Mike's girlfriend) had to leave "real quick" for a "nieces baptism," telling Randy to wait to open the gift until after they had left.  As the song began, Randy made the comment that he knew the song and started to sing very different words than the original.  His beautiful proposal culminated to,

"Stephanie Burrell, will you be sealed to me?"

And just like that, the golden years of my own Book of Life began.

How grateful I am for this amazing man.  He is the man of my dreams, the answer to my prayers, the beat of my heart.

70 days and counting until our 15 year anniversary!

New bed

A couple of weeks ago, I found a sleigh bed on Craigslist for a price we couldn't ignore. Since it was 11:00PM, we waited till the next morning to call and inquire about it. By 10:00AM, I had a new bed in my room. It was one that I had always wanted!

With my new bed, I also wanted to upgrade our bedspread. Ours was given to us by a good friend for our wedding. Yep, that's 14 years (closing in on 15 here in June) with the same bedspread. With a mattress and box springs on a simple metal frame, I just didn't really care all that much to have elegance on my bed. Randy talked to his mom and she offered to make me one. 

In December we met up to find a pattern and fabric for her to take back home. I knew the colors I wanted- Creamy Yellow and Gray. An example of the pattern was hanging on the wall at the quilt shop and I knew that was the one that Randy and I would both choose. It came together perfectly. 

Through many long hours, Jackie made me (and I guess Randy, too) this beautiful bedspread...

A disappearing four patch quilt. Our first night sleeping with it was last night. I love it even more!!

Thank you, Mom for this beautiful heirloom!!!!! It is already cherished. 

Numbers

We just got back from a quick trip down to Utah.  And when I say quick, I mean full-day drive on Friday, beautiful wedding all day down in SLC on Saturday (pictures coming soon), full-day drive home on Sunday.  I can't wait to look through our pictures and document another First for our family: Our First nephew got married!  Congratulations Tyson and Erica White!!!

*****

My Tyson was counting while we were driving and asked me what comes after 29.  When I told him 30, he continued counting to 200.  When he was done, and after a lot of cheering from a surprised mommy, I asked Ty what numbers make 30?

"20 and 10," said without a moment's pause.

I was just hoping for 3 and 0 so he could visualize it coming after 2 and 9.  20 and 10 works, too, I guess.

He is always coming to me with math problems.  He loves numbers.  He loves to learn.  And for this, I am grateful!  Because there is no way I would want to surrender him to all-day Kindergarten if I didn't know he was going to rock it come August!!!

I love both of my Tysons!

Touche

"Mom, when I'm a mom I won't suck my thumb.  And I won't bite my nails, either."

Said with no guile, matter-of-fact.

Ouch!  Touche, Shelby.

Shark

A couple weeks before we put our Bar Nunn house on the market, I purchased a new vacuum.  I had vacuumed our front room with my Dyson in preparation to use our new carpet cleaner.  However, with the carpet cleaner, I sucked up enough hair to make a little-dog sized pile of pet hair (remember our beagle, Bella?).  I was DIS.GUS.TED!!  I went out as soon as I was done with the carpet cleaning and purchased a vacuum- I was DONE with my Dyson!  I got a Shark Navigator and LOVED it from day one.  Oh the carpet lines....

A few days ago, Caden noticed that there was a break in the hose.  I was so sad!!  I was prepared to walk into Target (the place I bought my last one) and purchase the same thing.  Randy was with me, which can be a bad thing sometimes.  I like to grab what I want and go.  He likes to shop.  Our roles are reversed in that aspect.  In this case, however, it was a very good thing he went with me.  We were still under warranty.  Or so we thought.

Since I had purchased my Shark within the last five years, he made a call to customer service.  They were great to work with, but the part that was busted was not one that was under warranty.  Dang it.  We could send it back to them to fix, being without a vacuum for 4-6 weeks, but only having to pay shipping.  Or, we could purchase a new vacuum straight from the factory for 60% off.  I lept with excitement.  I was prepared to purchase a brand new one at Target and pay full price!!  So, we ordered a brand-spankin' new vacuum for $50, the vacuum of my old-lady dreams, and I was once again a happy woman.  Oh carpet lines, how I have missed you!

That didn't stop Randy from having me help him repair our old one.  He took 30 minutes with electric tape, string, screwdriver, and scissors trying to fix it.  And when that didn't work like he wanted, liquid tape did the trick.  It's not perfect, but it works alright...ish.

My new vacuum arrived today, just 5 days since we ordered it!  New.  Shiny.  I have been vacuuming like a mad woman.  I LOVE vacuuming!!  It is my favorite chore, by far.  I love the instant clean feel that comes from vacuuming!!  My load is lighter today.  *Squeal* Carpet lines!!!

Caden made me a boxtroll of my very own. I love my kids!!

Hand

While watching General Conference on Sunday, Tyson was always within reach. I'm telling you, that boy just wants to be near me. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

While he was putting his arm around my neck, stretching his arm as far as it would go, yet only being able to really touch my neck with his extended fingers, I looked down to see this...

The smallest, dirtiest, most precious hand resting on my leg. 

My little boy is just what you would expect from any little boy. He loves to play. He loves to be outside. He loves to get dirty. And yet, while running around the bases, trying to get another point for the boys' team (with me as the opposition, they're most likely needing that point), my little Tyson comes barreling straight for me,

"Just one more hug, Mom."

Things are still pretty hard for me some days. But with the love I get from those that love me unconditionally, I know sunnier days are just around the next bend. 

Blue Eyes

While watching a movie as a family, my little Shelby exclaimed, "Oh, he has the most beautiful blue eyes!"

That's my daughter.  Look at the blue eyes I got to marry...

Thank you, Kimberly, for giving Keilie's bangs a trim in this photo.  I appreciate the time you took to make this picture even more perfect for me.  While I have loved so many family pictures- and believe me, there have been many- this one is my favorite, by far.  We came from an agonizing experience to enjoy happiness like nothing we had ever expected.  Our family could not have been closer at this time- literally and figuratively.

Joker

Brennon came to me today, excited to read me a joke he'd just read on a Laffy Taffy.  I love the new experiences that come to budding readers.  For them, it truly is a whole new world.  I love reading!!

Q:  Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain?

A:  Because her kid has to play inside all day.

A few hours later, my Brennon is laying on the couch with the same symptoms Keilie had at the first of the week.  Weak, tired, loss of appetite, and fever.  It sure makes for a quiet child.  I miss his jokes already.

Growing

A few days after we returned home for good from cancer care, I read a blog about a girl that said she didn't agree with people that didn't want their children to grow so fast.  Her view was one that I could relate to: Her son had just finished cancer care as well, although a different type than Caden's with a much longer treatment plan.  She was grateful, from that experience, to realize that it is a blessing to watch your children grow.  As a parent with a child that was so close to death, I too revel in the fact that I get to watch my children grow, to watch them hit the milestones and progress into our future.

But...

I also see things like many see them: It is hard to realize that certain stages of childhood are left behind and forgotten with maturity.  While I am grateful to be out of the bottle/diaper/spit-up on my shoulder stage, I miss the endless snuggles and sweet peace that a new baby brings into the home.  While I love that my children can buckle themselves into the car, I do miss the moments of excitement from young children as they wait to be unfastened, arms reaching for you to carry them.

Since I have two different stages right now- pre-teen/teen and early childhood- I can see the difference in stages.  Where Shelby, Brennon, and Tyson find everything so funny, belly-rolling giggling at the most basic things, Caden and Keilie just kind of snicker, while Randy and I just smile.  There comes a point where children grow up, something that is to be expected, but hard to grasp, at the same time.

With the changing of the seasons already, I took each child shopping for shorts, sandals, and short-sleeves.  Keilie was not feeling well at the beginning of the week, so she is the last child to go with me.  For maybe the first time ever, I enjoyed every single second of our trip.  I let her choose anything she wanted to try on, making sure not to say a word about a single thing (heaven forbid your mom likes something hip and cool!).  We listened to music that made us want to dance, turning it up to a level of Keilie's choosing (I tend to be a "gentle listener"), singing our hearts out at the top of our lungs.  I got her a pair of sandals that she didn't need, enjoying the giddy jumps and claps as she found the exact ones she wanted in her size.  It was a magical morning with my sweet Keilie.

On the way home, while listening to my girl sing every word to the fun song, I was hit with such love for my growing girl.  I'm not embarrassed in the slightest to say that I cried telling her how much I love her.  Or that I bawled to Randy recounting my experience.  Although it is kind of fun to think about sharing shoes (she is only 1/2 a size smaller than me!) and buying make-up, and getting our nails done together, I miss the simple life of childhood, too.  My first little girl is going to be 12 in less than 6 months.  If she follows my exact path, she will be married in 7 3/4 years and have a baby a year later.  I never thought I was too young when Randy proposed, and still am SO happy he chose me, but when I think about how little time I have left with my girl, I want her to stop right now.  I want to play this morning over and over and over.  Because it was perfect.  A day I will never forget.  A day when I enjoyed the age of my growing daughter, and she enjoyed me just as much.

I am grateful that all of my children are alive, healthy, and thriving- enjoying the simplicity of an ideal childhood.  But it also makes me sad that the fun stages of childhood are coming to a close for some of them, too.  I want to remember every moment.  I am so proud to be a mother to five amazing blessings.