Unexpected

Last night Keilie told us she wanted her birthday to turn out how she wanted. Since she wasn't going to have a friend party, we asked her what she was talking about. She told us that she wanted a Surprise birthday party, like one she had while living in Casper.

So we did!

We surprised her with the exact Oreo cake she said she'd had, on a day she NEVER would have expected. 

We'll save the gifts for her actual birthday in 49 days, but we couldn't wait to surprise her with her wish. 

After all, we ruined her wish by making her tell us. You can't have a surprise party if you have to ask for one, can you?!

Keilie painted my toes last night in a design all her own. She did her own, Shelby's, and one big toe of Randy's. The kids went CRAZY watching Randy get his done. It was a blast being in this house with all their giddy excitement and surprise. 

Happy Independece Day 2016!

*Star hair for Star girls!*

And Happy Early Birthday, Keilie!!

Summer Lovin'

Blue skies with super cool clouds and 95 degree weather sure makes for a gorgeous day. I love that it felt pleasant in the shade. Perfect weather to pull out...

Badminton!

Tyson was the most enthusiastic, but everyone played to their heart's content. Nothing like Krispy Kreme and Kung Fu Panda 3 to finish off the night.

I love summer!!! But I love my kids more!

Sludge

Tuesday morning, bright and early, is our garbage day. We have actually missed getting it taken because we didn't get it out before 7:00am! We either put it out on Monday night, or risk not having it taken. 

Our neighbors on both sides are out of town, so I brought both of their cans from the street to the top of their driveways. While taking one, Randy had a few things that needed to be thrown away, so I just threw them in the can I was bringing up. And let me just say...it wreaked. She does daycare for five babies under the age of three, so the amount of diapers generated from her home alone constitute half of the landfill waste. I jest, but you get the idea. Her garbage can stunk. 

Fast forward a few hours. I have been busy holding babies

*June 27, 2016 with Miss Aria"

So I didn't notice that I didn't have my phone. I searched and searched. Randy had the great idea to use our Find My iPhone app, which said it was at the neighbor's house. My heart burned, since I knew it was not INSIDE the house. I lost my heart completely when there was no mistaking the beep-beep that was coming from her garbage can. 

I gagged at the thought and gagged even deeper as I had to tip her garbage can on it's side and crawl in to grab my phone from the 1" deep sludge at the bottom, right next to the wipes container that didn't get emptied- it was stuck too. 

And then I gagged as I walked home. And then gagged some more as I was cleaning it over and over with about 10 Clorox wipes. You know it's bad when Shelby walks in from the backyard and exclaims loudly, "EW! IT STINKS IN HERE!" And then gags. 

We don't usually get rid of things until they are good and dead. Hence not getting matching appliances until they blow up in preparation for Sunday dinner. 

I contemplated just leaving my phone in the garbage. Who cares about cost when you have to dumpster dive in sludge on a 100 degree day, I ask you?!

Revision: Caden came down for dinner and was simply standing by the phone and case. I had since cleaned the phone a second time. "Something stinks!"

It has now been cleaned three times. Ready to be lit on fire and burned. 

Revision 2: Lacquer thinner will get rid of putred stench that clings to any surface. 

Friends

Ty got his feelings hurt, so he sought solace from 'Man's Best Friend.' Oh, the tears and tender emotions that were shared between these two cuties. 

Also, just so you know: Target does not carry Miracle Whip. I stood in the condiment aisle for ten minutes reading everything six times before asking. The employee was just as surprised as I. Who sells 100 different kinds of Mayo and not one bottle of Miracle Whip?!

Surprise

I'm not sure if I wish we would have been more prepared, or if I'm glad I saved myself some pre-anxiety (it was already bad enough) about how horrible it truly is getting your tonsils out as an adult. I've read about ten different first-hand accounts, and let me just say: please pray for Randy. And my mom. They got matchy-matchy surgeries today. It is said that days 4-9 are the worst. I was scared for only day one. Now to find out it is a full two week recovery? Heaven help me. 

One person said that you needed to be in the right place mentally for this. We'll see how my mind holds up seeing my Mister in so much pain so soon after seeing my son suffer. Looks like 2016 is gonna be our suffer year. 

One last thing- I now know what a throat looks like without tonsils. Boy, does he have a large throat now! Wow, I had no idea! I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I doubt he will ever choke on a large bite again. When he can eat without wanting to die, that is. 

Yowsa

Brennon's Day Camp 2016

I wish I could say that I am always in the mood to accompany my kids on every single one of their outings now that I'm home and can, but the truth is, sometimes I just don't want to do some things.  Today was one of them.  Brennon has been going to Cub Scout Day Camp since Monday.  Each family was instructed to take at least one day to volunteer.  Since the Mister has a job, that fulfillment landed squarely on me.  I was not amused.  It turned out better than I anticipated, but that's not to say that it wasn't hard, too.  Caden was left to babysit from 7:40-4:00.  I used to do that every single summer, I'm not sure why it's a struggle to leave them.  But it is, and it was.  They did great, though.  Shelby actually said she was 'glad to not have a mom for the entire day, except when I came home.'  Should I feel offended?

 The heat was a killer, and being in charge of 11 8-9 year old boys was kind of exhausting, but it was fun to watch Brennon participate in some fun activities.

Archery

 First Responder

 Making First Aid Kits

 Making fun "bombs"

 Listening to a real-life FBI Agent

 Making Ice Cream in a Bag.  He didn't like getting his hands wet and sticky.

 Learning about Evidence and Leave No Trace

 Making Calming Glitter Bottles

I enjoyed my time with Brennon, but boy, am I glad to be done with this day!  The only thing about summer that I wasn't really looking forward to!  Well, this and Randy's pain when getting his tonsils out on Friday.  My fingers and toes are still crossed in hopes that this will help his snoring!!!

Shorts?

Last night I decided on a whim to take the kids swimming for the second time in one day.  It was pretty late, so I was in a bit of a hurry to have them dressed and out the door.  The other kids knew where their suits were, but since Brennon had been at a Scout Day Camp for the earlier swim, he wasn't sure where his was.  All of the kids helped look, but alas, it was nowhere to be found.  In my haste, I told him to just wear his shorts.  Before we even got out the door,

"...um, what about my underwear?"

"Brennon, you usually wear underwear anyway.  Just think of these shorts like the swim shorts you always wear."

"OK."

As we were driving,

"...um, so will I get in the shower before we swim?"

"Yes, Brennon.  You'll do everything the same, as if you were wearing your swim shorts.  Pretend that the shorts you are wearing right now are the only ones you have ever worn in the pool."

"OK."

When we arrived,

"So, I am just going to jump in?"

"Yes, Brennon.  Those shorts are just like the swim shorts you always wear.  There is no difference, except we didn't buy those specifically for swimming.  They're fine.  Just jump in."

One leg to the bottom of the shorts.

Out

The other leg to the bottom of the shorts.

Out

"Mom, um, I got a cut on my finger.  When the water touches it, it stings.  I'm not gonna get in."

(Smile) "OK."

The "cut" was barely visible.  He never put his hand in the water.  Oh, how I love my little Brennon!

Home

We knew moving into our current home that we wouldn't be here forever.  It's tiny, and at the time of move-in, technically only had three bedrooms.  We have since added a closet, making our home into a four bedroom, but even still, we are growing out of our home.  This makes me incredibly sad.

I'm not sure why I love this house more than any we have ever owned.  Our Nibley home had five bedrooms and half acre.  We finished our Casper home to have five bedrooms, an office, and a theater room.  Then we finished our Bar Nunn home to have five bedrooms, half acre (in need of some landscaping), a food storage room, and a cool laundry room with a laundry chute.  Yet this tiny little home, situated on a postage stamp size lot, walls connected to two other homes, has won the place in my heart as most favorite home we have ever owned and lived in.  I truly wish we could live in it forever.

Randy and I have always had the hobby of looking for good deals and fixer-uppers.  We have also always known we wanted rentals as a "side business."  These last few years has afforded us both: fixer uppers that become rentals, our own home included.  We knew moving into this home that it would become a rental someday- it has been the plan from day one.  Logically, I know we need to some day, but the more I think about moving, the more sick to my stomach I become.

We found a home a few days ago that has been on the market for two years.  We drove past it last night, peeking in the windows of the now-vacant home, and just walking around at our leisure.  For all intents and purposes, it would be perfect for our family.  3,200 sq. ft., 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, oversized two-car garage, gorgeous view of the Yakima River and much of the Tri-Cities, across the street from the neighborhood pool/park, same ward, the list could go on.  Sure, it's a fixer upper, but it wouldn't be that horrible living in an on-going construction zone with how fast Randy and I work once we put our minds to something. 

On one hand, I was getting excited thinking about it.  I even went so far as to ask to look at it with a realtor.  On the other hand, when we heard it was Under Contract, I almost wept in thanksgiving.  I just don't want to move. 

I was texting back-and-forth with Danielle when she wrote something that has truly made me realize what I have been grasping to understand.

"Your home has become your safe haven."

We had only lived in this home for 11 months when Caden was flown to Seattle.  Each time we were released from those jaws of death, we got to come back here, to our home, to our refuge.  These walls, tiny as they may be, have snuggled us in joy and love when our hearts could handle no more suffering.  They have wrapped us in warmth after months of freezing in the cold, sterile rooms of Seattle Children's.  During the most sorrowful years of our lives, this home has become our happy place, our heaven on earth.

And now I know.

Literal

I didn't realize how literal my little Tyson can be.  While in Utah for Grandpa JR's funeral, my dad jokingly told Ty that he couldn't have breakfast until he gave him a hug.  So, Tyson didn't have breakfast, the little stinker.

I have decided that I don't want the kids always begging me to go places, so I have given them days that they can run errands with me: Caden- Monday, Keilie- Tuesday, etc.  Yesterday I told Tyson to get his sandals on, we're going to run some errands.  As I was getting into the car, he asked, "Aren't we going to run?"

"Oh, sweetie!  Mommy doesn't run."

Selfish

A couple of weeks ago, on the day that we drove to find out that the chemo pill was no longer possible, I was listening to a book on tape that Caden had been assigned to read in school.  In it, the author started talking about "The World."  Not the world as in the actual earth on which we live, but our own personal "worlds," the lives that we live.  I'm sure it was because of the circumstances of which I find myself, but this concept struck me deeply.  It brought to mind all that I had been trying to put into words, things I had been trying to really understand the last two years.  I have been bouncing between two "worlds."

The "normal" "world" includes just being a mom and wife.  I love this "world."  I love that everything I do is for my kids.  I have willingly and gladly given everything of myself for those I love most.  In fact, some of my depression came from this very fact.  When Tyson went to school, I really didn't know what or who I was.  I have made myself into exactly what I wanted as a child- a mother- and felt like I had nothing else to offer.  When you take away the time spent with kids, I'm not really anything else.  It was scary.  It was hard.  But I love being what I always wanted in life.  I am the person that got exactly what she wanted out of life.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.

The other "world," which sometimes feels as if it goes on and on forever, is actually the most restricted.  As I sat in that car, driving to his appointment, I realized something very deep.  Our "world" when in Seattle is three rooms: Ronald McDonald room (which most times we barely left due to his health), in-patient cancer care, or clinic.  That's it.  Most days we don't even really see the sky.  It's claustrophobic and lonely.  It's exhaustive and stifling.  It's a literal and figurative set of rainy days, more gray that sunshine.  In this "world" we usually live minute-by-minute.  There is no time in a day that we aren't waiting for something else.  There is a lot of wishing away time.  Then our counting becomes a little longer- day-by-day.  Then week-by-week.

June 8th gave us a beautiful gift.  It took my "world" from dark to light, suffocating to fresh air with just one statement, "See you in three months!"  Can you imagine how large the sky looked to me as we drove home?  Can you imagine all that opened up in my world?  Can you imagine how bright and beautiful our lives looked?  Can you feel how it feels to go from a three room existence to this?  This wonderful "world" where I am home each and every day with my kids- ALL of my kids ALL day.  I get to do everything, give everything to the "world" I love most. 

I am selfish- I don't really want to share my kids.  I don't want to really even allow others into our "world" right now.  But I do, because I know that is what they want.  I have set up play dates for each of my kids from now until the middle of July.  I continue to set them up, looking for others that they could play with, sad that I know I won't be able to have every single friend come for as long as my kids would like.  I'm greedy with their time, truthfully not wanting to share any of it.  I get my "world" back, and it's bright and beautiful and wonderful and so unexpected that it feels like more than just a gift.  I want to cherish every moment.  I want to hole up and savor this time.  I want to memorize everything.  I want to hoard every smile and giggle.  It's very hard to want to share.

I can't convey enough how truly blessed I am for this break, this miracle that I have been given.  To see not only Caden, but all of my children be able to really enjoy life is such a blessing.  I am truly happy, not just content with my life.  Because of the deep sorrow that we have all experienced, our joy is that much sweeter.  This time of healing is beautiful.  I can't ruminate about my life without tears.  I am so thankful for this life. 

Everything is truly wonderful in my selfish little big "world."

Random

Proof that Randy and I both felt anxiety the night before the scan. He was tired enough to sleep like this for about an hour. You see his head? OUCH!!

It was fun to watch my men play some ball while waiting for the news. 

The sun helped warm us up. I'm not sure why, but Seattle Children's is always super cold. We choose to wear pants there. 

Keilie learned how to use the lawn mower and mowed her first lawn for money. She did great! We had just gone swimming, hence the getup. 

Our first day at the pool. Man, I love this pool. And, yes, I was wearing pants. It was windy, but that didn't stop the kids!

No surprise that this boy got out before everyone else. He has ZERO meat on his bones, no matter how much he eats. And the boy.can.eat! Love my B-Boy!

With the work that needs to be done on the rental, I was able to get a few upgrades on our home. For the first time in this home, we finally have matching appliances!! We also replaced the laminate on all countertops. I liked the painted countertops when we had light floors. With this new floor, the lighter looks amazing!

We have been having some seriously beautiful sunsets!

Doesn't it look like the clouds are on fire?!

Mira has been working on the rental with us as much as we have. And by working, I mean helping keep my toes warm. She loves to lay on people's feet. 

And drive, she also loves to drive. I put her in the passenger side, walked around back, coming up on the driver's side to this. Look at that face!! So cute!

Life is SO good!!

Favor

I can barely type this morning.  After such a high adrenaline high since Monday morning, this low is LOW.  I want to either lay in bed sleeping all day, or lay in bed crying from relief all day.  I have ZERO energy.  I am seriously just so grateful.  With as hard as this last go-round was, if you would have said we would get a clean scan ever again in his lifetime, I would have thought you were crazy.  And now we have.  We don't consider him "cancer free," so we are told to say, "we had a good scan."  Either way, I am spent for today.

However, I got an email this morning that revived my faculties enough to ask for a favor.  If you have been reading this blog for a while, you'll know that we were sent by Make-A-Wish on a never-to-be-replicated, over-the-top, could-never-imagine-we-could-be-so-blessed trip November 30, 2014- December 6, 2014 to DisneyWorld.

While there, we stayed in a Village that is just for Wish-type families- Give Kids The World.  There are more amazing organizations like Make-A-Wish, so it is not just them that sends their kids there.  We got our own Villa...

With ALL amenities FREE. Food was delivered for FREE whenever we wanted.  Laundry was FREE, which was good since I washed these matching Make-A-Wish shirts each night.  Our MAW representative told us about the free laundry use, so I decided that I was going to do it give myself a little extra work each night, but saved myself a LOT of panic at all of our amazing activities- just look for the Blue shirt.

*There are two restaurants on the village grounds... all for FREE whenever you wanted!
*There are rides for the kids to go on... all for FREE!
*There are two pools for the kids to swim in, including a Dive In outdoor movie night... all for FREE!
*There was an ice cream parlor where the kids could get ice cream ALL DAY, ANY TIME... all for FREE!
*They had Parties each night for the kids, including Christmas, where we met Santa and then were lead into a room FULL of donated gifts for each child to simply choose from.

I could barely contain the tears.  Seeing not only my children, but all of the children, gleefully walking the aisles, looking for a gift was emotional for me.  These kids had gone through hell, and now they were going to the "toy aisle" and being told to "pick one."  It's every childs' dream!  The photographer captured my warrior as he stopped searching to come give me a hug.  Man, I love that kid!

There is so much more, but I think I gave you a snapshot of a very small few of the funnest for our kids.  And, yes, I cried again just trying to convey the amazing qualities of this place into just one paragraph!

The email I recieved today was them asking me for help.

"We Need Your VOTE!  Designer Shoe Warehouse is giving Give Kids The World Village a chance to win $75,000, but we need your VOTE.  There's no registration, no email required.  We just need your VOTE.  You can VOTE once per day on every device you won until Tuesday, June 14.  If all our friends VOTE for us, we'll have a great shot at winning!  If you value what the Village does, if you want us to keep doing it, please VOTE.  It takes less than 30 seconds (we timed it).  Thanks for everyone at Give Kids The World Village.  #DSWShoeLoversCare"

VOTE HERE

Scroll down until you see Give Kids The World and simply press the Red VOTE by their name.  That's it!  If you only remember to do it this once, it will still help this amazing Village have a shot at winning, to continue giving families like ours an experience that will make them tear up even 18 months later.  But, if you could, please do it daily until Tuesday.  It was as if we got two Wishes: DisneyWorld and Give Kids The World Village.  Please VOTE!

Counting...

It's funny (yet not funny) that I wasn't feeling nervous about today's scan until Monday morning. The morning dawned bright and beautiful, but it felt heavy to me. Almost like my mind was saying, "This is the week."  It has been so nice to be home for two whole weeks without anything medical added to our day, but a small little 3- minute PICC line flush. Easy peasy. Caden has been feeling great. The kids have been playing well together and just enjoying life. With temperatures over 100 for a few days, we've been enjoying close quarters of love. It has been amazing. Truly, I can't think of it without getting emotional. My heart is so full. We have such a good life. 

Then Monday morning comes and I am a bucket of nerves. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't just sit, yet I am exhausted from moving, moving, moving, trying to keep my mind off of my fear. I'm not scared of the word cancer any longer. I'm scared of the word suffering. 

In five hours we will know the fate of our next three months. WOW, how wonderful it feels to live three-months-by-three-months again!! We're going there together, Randy, Caden, and I. The car is charged with nervous energy. Our conversation is a bit muted, our laughter just a bit forced. However, there is strength in this car. We are doing this. We are going there together.  

Four hours and 55 minutes...

The report is in....

The scan was CLEAN!!!!!!

PICC is out. Caden is plastic/accessory free!!

We are on the road to our real life. See you in three months, Sue and Seattle!

The feeling is truly indescribable. We are free. 

It feels amazing to cry tears of joy when leaving Seattle Children's. They have long been overdue. 

Crazy

I love the times that I can do something for my kids that bring out the smiles I love most. 

Friday was Crazy Hair Day at school. Brennon came to me first, asking if I knew of a way to do his hair. 

He ran to Tyson, bragging that he couldn't wait to go to school. Tyson came running to me next. 

As I was doing it, I started from back to front. "Mom, I went through an earthquake that lifted the mountains on my head."

And then came the smiles. 

Oh, how I love these boys. 

Shelby had the cutest idea the night before. She whipped her head all around, bringing most of the hair to the front, and then put her glasses on over the hair. She giggled and giggled. So I was surprised when she came to me, asking I put her hair in a bunch of little knots. 

For the record: I thought her original idea was much crazier. But I couldn't say no when she asked me to do her hair. 

I felt like such a good mom, simply for doing my kids hair! It's the little things in life. 

Sell

Their is a neighborhood garage sale today on the Loop. Our kids are in a frantic state to sell anything that could get them even twenty five cents. In fact, most of the little stuff they are selling is going for about that. 

No child is more excited than Tyson. He has always been so interested in collecting money. Remember when his first comment on Christmas two years ago was that he would be rich if he sold the gift he just opened?! Yah, he is always thinking of collecting as much money as he can. 

For the last few days he's been asking to have life saver candies that we have in a bowl on the counter. He has asked the most to have them, so I thought nothing of it when he asked after breakfast if he could have one. 

"Sure."

"Could I sell it at the garage sale?!"

"....." 

Chicks

A few weeks ago, I heard Caden frantically calling my name.  "Mom, hurry, there is a mommy duck and her babies in our front yard!"  I left fire tracks behind me as I ran.  I'm so glad Randy had his camera to capture it.

 I arrived a little behind the others because I was making sure that all of the kids came out to see.  You can't have baby chicks in your front yard and not have your kids see them!  It freaked the mommy out to hear our quiet squeals of excitement (I was so proud of my kids for stepping lightly, staying well away from them, and not being super hyper- they were amazing) so she turned around and started back the way she came.

 One of her little chicks ended up falling down in all of our excitement (and their terror, I'm sure).  You can see it above, lying on it's back, one foot kicking straight up.  That sweet little baby was flailing all over the place, little scared, constant peeps ringing out.  It flopped and flailed for quite a while, trying to right itself and get back to the safety of it's family.  It broke my heart to see, but not as much as it broke Keilie's.  She could not stand to see it struggling.  She wanted to rush to the aid, but was stopped by Randy.  He told her that the little baby needed to learn for itself how to get back up, that if the mommy thought it needed help, she would have helped immediately, and that we needed to leave them alone.  She cried that she just couldn't stand to see it struggle.  She is so tender hearted!

 The baby eventually did make it back to its mommy and they started back home.

I imagine that this scenario is much like the trial we are going through.  That sweet chick was probably begging his mom for help with frantic, pleading peeps. 

"You can help me, I know you can.  You're big, I'm just a baby.  Just come nudge me onto my feet again.  Lift me up, and help me move on.  Help me!" 

But that mommy was probably thinking, "I can't help you.  As much as I want to help you, I will actually hurt you if I help you.  You need to learn to do this on your own, to know how to get back up when you fall.  But I'll stay close, never leaving, cheering you on, ready to walk with you when you get back up.  I love you.  You can do this!"

I haven't felt terribly anxious or devastated about stopping the at-home chemo pill, but I do fully understand the reality of the situation.  One more option is just wiped from the board.  The options are just kind of falling away.  I am that chick, flailing around, scared that I won't be able to get up, not really knowing what to do, begging my Heavenly Father to take it away, to just make things easy.

I imagine Him saying, "You need this experience.  If I help you, I'll hurt you.  I'm right here, I'll never leave.  I'm cheering you on.  I love you.  You can do this!"

And so I'll keep trying. 

Bed head

That moment that your heart sings because your child has bed head!

When Shelby had serious bed head as a baby, I took her for her first haircut. No way will that happen in this situation!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While moving around some heavy furniture today, I asked Randy if we needed a Tow Strap.  Without a moment's pause, Caden said,  "Yes, we do need a Toaster App."

Hardy-Har-Har! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was asked to submit an essay on a blog as inspiration to other women.  I was honored to be asked, and excited to see it come about.  You can read my words on another blog here:

http://www.shambray.com/2016/06/happy-through-trials-mother-watching.html

I feel honored to be chosen!