Our Stake Patriarch passed away from Leukemia last week. Brennon is great friends with his Granddaughter, and he and Shelby got their Patriarchal Blessings from him. He's also a friend from working in the Temple when Randy and I worked together on Friday nights. He's been a great friend to our family for many years. So I cannot for the life of me tell you why seeing this picture hurt so much.
Kristin Hunt, his daughter, and our friend: "My dad and Caden are neighbors!"
While exiting Orange Theory today, a friend asked if Randy and I were going anywhere special. I'm not going to lie-- I'd forgotten that today was Valentine's Day. So, I told her, "I don't really care to celebrate some holidays because Randy and I do things together daily. Every day is Valentine's Day at our house." Here's just one example of how much Randy loves me.
I started to notice a difference in my PTSD beginning in December. I worked daily to calm myself down, doing little things to soften this, unclench that, deep breaths here, slow down there, etc. But my nights were no longer calm; they were actually the opposite. I was waking up clenched and sore and having worsening episodes of Sleep Paralysis where I truly wondered at times if I was dying. The worst one was that I was awake enough to realize what was happening around me but not enough to make myself breathe-- I wondered if I'd suffocate while awake. I couldn't make a sound, couldn't move a muscle, couldn't get Randy's attention to ground me and convince me that I was still alive in my body. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced, even if only for a few minutes.
Days before the episodes started to become regular, Randy was down in Houston for work. While out to dinner with Jerry & Veniece, they were talking about how I was doing. Veniece mentioned that her sister has PTSD and has had great success using medical marijuana. On the morning of my worst episode, I made the decision to switch doctors (my current doctor talked down to me and made me feel like a hypochondriac) and asked to try medical marijuana. December 15th, I got the confirmation that I was a candidate. Because I was waiting for the prescription paper (to ensure that I was still temple worthy), I didn't go to our local Pot Shop immediately. In all honesty, I was terrified and still grappling with my reality.
I finally got the paper, but before I was even awake the morning after receiving it, Randy had already gone to the shop to scope out what they had available and to ask questions he knew would make me cry. When I heard what he'd done for me, knowing he'd gone into that Shop for me, I burst into tears. He drove me there while I cried in the front seat. "What is this life?!" He held my hand as we walked to the front door. He ushered me in as I took in the darkened sights and skunk smells that enveloped us while I silently freaked out. And my Mister handed over cash to purchase marijuana for me. That is the Valentine that I have. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
So, no, we are not doing anything special for Valentine's Day because every day that he continues to choose me is better than any day that the world sets aside to celebrate love. Every day is special at our house. I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I'm Randy Dirks' Valentine.
p.s. Since taking my first gummy, my life has been transformed. I feel like myself again, better than even pre-care care Stephanie (remember how tired she was after having 5 kids and a husband that traveled extensively?!). Not only do I sleep better at night, but my days are more calm as well. I used to yawn or gasp for breath for HOURS every. single. day (effects of my brain/body break and screwed up autonomic system)-- no more. I am completely 100% off of my depression/anxiety meds (I knew that if I could get good rest, I'd feel better than ever!), as well as all caffeine, and I no longer feel like I need to sleep for years to feel normal. I still see evidence of PTSD, which can still be very discouraging, but because of how everything is right now, my learned skills actually work. I am so, so grateful for the Lord's timing in all of this. I was drowning, but now I am resting safely on the beach, in the sun, and loving life.
Dallin is not a fan of most sweets. I can count on one hand the number of times he's had a dessert here. So, when I started to plan his birthday party here to celebrate his TWENTY-FIRST birthday, I decided to be creative with his cake in case he chose not to have one.
Tyson passed his State Driving Test today. He also got the highest score the instructor has ever given-- 96/100. And just like that, the Dirks are all done with driver's education. Happy-sad. All we do now is wait until he turns 16 in 249 days, and then his license will transition to a real one. I feel like this time in our lives is a downhill ski hill. Shelby will graduate in a few months from both High School and TriTech with her CNA. Brennon is turning 17 in a few days and is gainfully employed. Tyson is in high school and finished driver's ed. It just feels like time is zooming at an accelerated speed. Before I know it, we'll be empty nesters, and I'll lose my identity once again. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Answering the phone, hearing Keilie's shaky, breathy voice, "Mom, are you and Dad home? I need to come and tell you what just happened to me!" I was super worried since she's pregnant, and I know how it feels to hear your baby is dead (which is 100% where my mind went when I heard her tone and worry). I watched as she booked it to our porch, fear evident on her face. I opened the door, and she walked directly to our room, sat down, and put her head between her legs.
"I was driving home from Walmart. As I came to {this} bend, I saw something fluttering in the wind that looked like money. One of the bills blew onto my windshield. Mom, it was a $100 bill! So, I turned around and went back."
FORTY-EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!
The envelope from Chase Bank (the only branch is located 2 miles from the drop zone!) said in black Sharpie: $8,000. "Man, I wish I could keep this money. I could buy every single thing on my Baby Registry!"
But my girl called the police. Turns out, someone had called in to let them know he'd lost a white envelope marked with a sum that they couldn't divulge. "You mean $8,000?" I cannot even imagine how he let that envelope out of his hands, let alone placed it on the roof of his car, nor can I imagine he felt any confidence that he'd ever see that money again. He may not have gotten that $8,000 back, but my girl-- MY GIRL-- gave him back $4,800! To say I am a proud mom would be an understatement.
My son-in-law is 21!
Ways he is like me: He loves Keilie. He doesn't love fish or "wet" chicken.
Ways he is not like me: He doesn't care for sweets.
Shelby got her heart ripped out. "When you fix yourself, I may take you back." This was just one of the TEXTS he sent after breaking up with her (by text) and blaming it all on her. Upon hearing this, the boys swooped in with hugs and "I'm so sorry, Shelby!" and then went out to get her gifts of her favorite things.
Randy had a trade show in DC, which worked out perfectly to FINALLY be able to finish our 50 States together. This trip has been planned for FOUR YEARS, and each time it has fallen through. I'm happy to report we accomplished our lofty goal. We have now visited all 50 States together.
Our precious Mira has dimentia. It breaks my heart. I am not ready for the end. I knew it from the moment I saw Caden's reaction to the news-- there will never be another dog as precious as she is. She's not super bad yet, just a few nuggets of poop every once in a while after she's been deeply asleep (thanks to her round-the-clock anxiety meds) and a forgetfulness that is so unusual for her nature. Where she once wouldn't tough something if we told her no, such as Max's food, she now needs to be pushed away if she gets into it, not even acting ashamed that she was caught. It's as if she's never even known she could eat that food that was so graciously left out for her.
