Hard Days

It's hard to get your hopes up, sometimes. Because when those hopes are dashed, it makes it that much harder to see good. Recently our days have been filled with words that make it hard to see the light.

Pneumonia*CTScan*MRI*Biopsy*Procedure*Oncology*Cancer Care Unit* Malignant*Mass the size of a large grapefruit*Fever*Life Flight*Tumor*Ambulance*ER*PICC Line*Port*Tubing to heart*Surgeons*Cancer*Mortality Rate*Statistics*Research*Rare*Sarcoma*Chemotherapy*4 Rounds*Weeks*Internal Bleeding*Decreased Lung Capacity*ICU*Risk Nurse*PET Scan* Feels like Lava*NG Tube*Transfusions*Nausea*Decreased Muscle Mass*Endurance*Side Effects*Bald*Infertility*Surgery*Shrink*Bowel Movements*"Punching"*Disgusting Taste*Nurses/Doctors*Beeping Monitors*Bad Food*Cold Bath Water*Needles*Hematocrit*ANC*White Blood Cells*Hematology/Oncology Clinic*Prognosis*Morphine*Make-A-Wish*Treatment*Support*Diagnosis*Echocardiagram*Heart Anomaly*Stage*Blood Cultures*Vomiting 

The last one is the one that makes today hardest. During rounds this morning, they asked Caden how he was feeling. Almost in tears, he responded, "I just wish I feel better. I just want to go home!" In that second the Doctors started ordering more on one nausea medication, and one to come sooner than every 8 hours. It is not being controlled as well as we had anticipated. He's starting to grow a tolerance for the medications themselves. He just doesn't feel well. It hits him pretty fast this time. He'll feel well enough to go on a bike ride and then be shrinking to the floor, clutching his stomach as he wretches. 

They had us scheduled to be discharged this afternoon, but they pushed us back to see how he's doing. If he can't keep things down with IV medications, there is no way he'll do well at home. I am SO glad to still be here!! 

This morning Randy informed me that we are seeing effects of the Target Card Scandal. We have been compromised. He's taking precautions to stop what is happening, but it's still just not a good time. No time is ever a good time to have your credit attacked by crooks/thieves/criminals, but it's particularly hard when you're sitting by your child's bedside during a cancer treatment. Why do people have to steal? Why do people feel like they have the right to take what isn't theirs? Why do they feel entitled to take hard-earned money from innocent people? How do they sleep at night? 

And since we know that bad news comes in threes, I wasn't too surprised to hear his next phone call. Our family vehicle, the one that fits all of our family, died. And it's not the battery. The car that we've put countless dollars into this past year and a half. Dead as a doorknob. Man, I hate that car!! 

I was recently talking to a friend about hard days. She sent me this text... "Think of all your very worst days. How many of them did you get through? 100%!" We've had some rough days. Some days that I'd rather just sleep instead of be present. Some days that would constitute as our hardest days, to date. Today is one of those days. The sun is shining. The day is beautiful. The day is HARD! And we're going to get through it 100%. Maybe looking a little more worse for wear, but 100% just the same!

Tender Mercy- when Autozone checked the battery, they said it was just fine. Randy got a second opinion (kind of sounds medical now) and they said it was the battery and that one of the cells is dead (again, sounds medical.) So Randy called Autozone back up. He was able to take it back in and have it replaced for free. Good news!! Much needed good news!

And the fun continues... He threw up his feeding tube. Again. At one point I thought I'd look back on the day he got flown to Seattle as the worst day. You know in movies where the character gets bad news and the camera zooms in quick to their face to catch their reaction? I swear it feels like that in real life. "We found a large mass in your sons liver." Zoom in to Steph's face to see how she's going to take this news. In case you were wondering, it felt like a torch set to my heart. That moment has played back in my memories and a few times in my dreams ever since. The feeling of fire isn't as intense, but the anxiety still remains. Other times it just doesn't seem real. I have a son with cancer. How did this happen? Where has the last almost-two months gone? I feel like the Carrie Underwood song, "This is just a dream."  And then something happens that inevitably brings me back to our reality. Vomiting. Anxiety. Crying. And begging. The words spoken by the Dr. that fateful day in January used to haunt me. Now they are replaced by the words spoken by my suffering son today. "Mom, please don't make me get that back in! I promise I'll eat. I promise I can do it. I'll eat anything, even if I don't like it. Even if I don't feel like it. Please, Mom. Please!" Today was the first time he's seen me cry. Today was the first time I've lost it in his presence. Because I hated every second of being the sensible parent. Forget the reasons he absolutely needs that tube, forget the benefits of having it, I wanted to look him in his tear-filled eyes and say, "OK!" I can imagine the hope I'd see on his face. Akin to the look he gave me yesterday when I said he could ride the bike. I wish I could have said the words that would give me that face. Instead, being the sensible parent, I cried while telling him we didn't have a choice. He had to get it placed again. I got the most heart-wrenching deflated face instead. And my heart burned. Hotter than before. Because this time he was asking me, not the Doctors, and I couldn't give him what he desperately wanted. And it broke my heart!

So tonight I say, "Good-bye March 24th! I hope the sun singes you on the way out!!" And then I do something I have never done in real life. I've thought about doing it, but never have. 

I flip this day a bird. Possibly with both hands!

I take it back. I hope you are not only burned by the sun, but also frozen on the dark side of the moon. Because when Caden threw up his NG Tube for the SECOND TIME TODAY, making for a total of 6 times now, and his nurse tried three times to place it before giving up, I really don't care what happens to you March 24th! I hate you more than I've ever hated anything! I don't think I can take anymore tonight!