Controlled, finally

Last night was not as euphoric as yesterday. Just before they started on the big tumor, anesthesiology placed an epidural to keep Caden's abdomen numb for five full days. This would help with not only pain, but waking his guts up sooner, thus speeding up recovery. We gave six hands way up, hearing this news. Long story short: it didn't work, and we were too far behind in his pain therapy when we figured it out. He spent most of the night in awful, horrible pain. He made it to an 8 on the pain scale multiple times. The only time he has ever given an 8 was when he was admitted with internal bleeding from his first tumor that had been undetected too long. And he got up that high more than once through the night. Needless to say- when reality is this hard to watch, it is easy to forget past happy news, even when it is less than 24- hours rejoiced. 

Pain Team has since come in many times to assess his pain. They have determined that the epidural is doing some, but not high enough to give full relief where he needs it. The relief may be barely touching where he needs, so they will not turn it off or take it out, but it isn't going to be enough. 

Since Caden has been on some pretty high opioids at home for the past six weeks, it has been hard for them to translate everything over to IV, plus add allowances for the major surgery pain he is bound to feel normally. As it stands- he is getting three times the normal amount of other patients directly out of surgery. 

Right now, it is enough. He is feeling much better since they came at 10:00am. He is talking, laughing, and even joking. He needed a little Aria pick-me-up, but Aria would have none of it. He pretended that she was making him cry. When he got off of the phone, he said he felt that his cry face was pretty good. And then he bust it out for me. 

I tend to agree with him! It is a very believable cry face!

The truth is, I saw it too much last night to like seeing it as a joke. It was very real last night. All night. I am SO happy to know he is well enough to joke, but I'd be even happier never to see this face again. 

Bonus: he was able to get the large tube from his nose. It was in place to suck out anything in his stomach that may have made him nauseous after surgery. We did a trial run of four hours, to make sure he didn't become nauseous, and then he got the green light that it could come out. So he took hold of that tape and pulled it out ON HIS OWN!! 

My Caden is still here. He is still fighting. He is still astonishing me at every turn. He is my warrior!

4:30- We were all able to get a much-needed nap after our stressful day that turned into an even more stressful night. It was a seriously deep, peaceful nap for me. It's not surprising that my body kind of shut down once I knew he was comfortable. 

One thing that I think is going to take a while for me to get over is the thought that he was going to die. Sue stopped by today to see Caden and to talk to us, and said she was with me in my thoughts. She and I had been emailing back and forth for weeks now, where I would ask hard questions that couldn't be spoken, and she would answer back. When the "tumor" (fatty tissue) was found in the liver, she told me the truth about what that means. Metastasized cancer in the liver gives a less than 5-year prognosis. She said she was even more scared for Caden, because of how fast it grows. We mothers, bonded over our love for a boy we thought was going to die relatively soon. 

When I woke this afternoon, I first looked over at Caden- I always do when we are in the same room. My heart yearned for him to stay with me as long as possible. And then I remembered our Miracle. It is going to take me a long time to forget the sorrow my heart has carried. My son is still going to battle with cancer. Maybe even for the rest of his life. But for now- at this very moment in our lives- our son has been given another chance at life. It still chokes me up. It still makes me feel faint. My son is going to live to enjoy his dog!

Who knows what the days ahead look like. But they feel like the weather we are enjoying in Seattle on this fine Spring day- Sunny!

6:00- Goodbye ICU!!! Hello Cancer Care floor with your new, clean, big rooms. We are super happy Surgical floor was full. We know these nurses. We know this floor. And as much as we hate to admit it, we are comfortable in this part of the hospital. Especially since we know we aren't going to get chemo!