Firsts

We found Caden's journal.  If we thought he was an incredible boy before, it is nothing to what we think now after hearing personal accounts from friends, teachers, and leaders and from reading his personal words.  That boy had goals.  That boy is even better than we ever imagined! 

One entry, if it had been shared with us before yesterday, wouldn't have made as much of an impact as it did with the memories and recent events of his life.

"I am making a promise to myself to watch every session of General Conference for as long as I live." October 3, 2015.

Heavenly Father helped him keep that promise to himself, He knew the desires of his heart.  It was after the close of the last session on Sunday that he walked up to take a nap, and was never the same again.  It was hours after Conference that he asked for his very first dose of Morphine.

There have been moments where things feel ok, there have been moments where things feel more surreal than real, and there have been moments that we have been drowning in sorrow-- our roller coaster feels as if it will never stop.  We were instructed to ponder the Year of Firsts that we are going to have, one of which will happen at Tyson's baptism: our first family picture without Caden.  I know that Time will be crucial in our healing, but oh my gosh, can Time speed up for the healing, but stay the same for the rest of living?!  Because the moment I saved a document written today as Caden's Obituary, I felt like I would never be sane again.

Sue just called me.  Oh my gosh, how I love her.  She told me she just needed to hear my voice; I was thinking the same thing about her.  After hearing our story, she shockingly emphasized, "Stephanie, I just have to say: It does not happen like that!" After 20 years of cancer care, she has seen and heard much.  It just doesn't happen that fast!  But, typical to my Caden, his story is ever unique.  I believe this is the first time I have felt gratitude that his cancer story does not follow the "script" typical of cancer.  I'm proud to say that Caden's release was the first of its kind, that he is a statistic all his own, that if the same end should become anothers' reality, they will hope it mirrors that of my Caden. 

He truly did win!