Slumber Party?

I feel like a broken record saying this so soon after recent ramblings, but it's the truth: I need naps desperately most days-- I am be-yond exhausted. {Insert drooling snore face}  But as the days progress, as we continue to count our days half-past Caden, naps have become increasingly sporadic, and not for lack of trying.  I can now say that I have three categories in reference to nap time.

1) I sleep so deep that after an hour, it feels like I've slept an entire night.  But after this deep sleep, I always wake with a panic attack.  It's as if I subconsciously spend my day strengthening the walls around my heart and mind, so that after even just one hour of not building, not strengthening, I am punched with reality and remembering.  Many times, I wake already crying.

2)  Imagine lying in bed, almost asleep, when, suddenly, a drop of adrenaline is dropped onto your heart from a great height.  You jerk, since you weren't expecting it, and because it felt sharp, and hot, and heavy after no movement for a while, so your heart starts to race.  Because your heart is racing so fast, it's moving that drop of adrenaline through your veins at an accelerated rate, building in speed and building in intensity.  Your breathing increases with the heart rate, while your mind is telling you it is time to try and sleep-- Hurry!! Time is ticking, your two-hour window is closing!!  So you try to calm your breathing, try to calm your heart.  You get back to a nice place, where you feel close to unconsciousness, and then another drop...  After five or six drops, you are an emotional wreck.  You are so tired, yet your body will not sleep, your mind will not shut off, your heart will never fully calm.  So you get up, exhausted and near tears, and just keep trying to live.

3)  Start with number two for a solid hour.  Finally make it to number one, sleeping for about 30 minutes.  Wake more exhausted and near/in tears.

It feels so similar to those first few weeks after having a baby.  Only I don't have a sweet babe to snuggle and stare at.  Quite the opposite, in fact.