Remember

I want to remember that we take these masks with us wherever we go, always just the two of us, never our kids.  When going inside a store, we take a Ziploc bag with two Clorox wipes to wash our hands and cart and car parts before and after the shopping.  The moment we walk in the door, we wash our hands with soap and water.  We don't live in fear, but we are very cautious.  We carefully consider if our trip is really a need, choose our stores wisely, and venture out if we deem it worthy.  I miss doing things without so much thought, but I don't feel as if we are living in fear and not living a good life.

I had a thought the other day: my life hasn't changed much since 2014.  The shock of needing to stay in one room-- be it the hospital or Ronald McDonald-- or even our house for that one week we got to come home during treatments, was had by us years ago.  Needing to consider the health of a loved one because of ventures outside or people visiting.  Finding enjoyment in the one thing we could do: walk outside but not touch anything.  Being separated from extended family even though they were close.  Going to the store (grocery store only) because we need food, never buying extra.  Even quickly leaving to quickly return.  I've lived this kind of life for a very long time.  While I haven't lived within the confines of cancer care for two and a half years, I do find that I have craved and needed to stay home in recent years.  I rarely left, even when I could, always considering how much energy and emotion it was going to take out of me.  If I was going to the store, I'd grab a quick 2-8 items-- get in, get out, as quick as possible-- and go straight home.  While I wasn't worried about a virus, I did feel the need to just be home.  While I hate so much about cancer care, it did prepare me for this.  The shock of this unknown situation and effects is something that I felt but didn't quite understand the breadth of when that first ER doc said, "We've ordered Life Flight.  They'll be here in 10 minutes." Our lives have all been changed in the blink of an eye, something we had no way of knowing could ever happen to us.