Viewpoint

I have been contemplating for a few months on how different the same thing can look at different times in our lives.  In this case, it's how different things can look in childhood as opposed to teenage years.  What used to be seen as difficult and silly all the sudden become desirable and sorrowful simply because of the time of our lives.  The child didn't change, only how we saw the trait.

Difficult to Desirable

Caden was always one that had to have things exact.  He didn't like it when things were out of place, didn't like it when things weren't done correctly, didn't like it when rules weren't followed.  So when it came to bedtime, he had to see 8:00 on the clock to go to bed without complaint.  With five kids under 8 years old, we were tired.  With five kids that all woke up before 6:00am no matter what time they went to bed, we were super tired.  Wanting some downtime without the demands, Randy and I set up a scheme to have one distract all of the kids while the other turned all of the clocks ahead an hour.  Sometimes an hour and a half.  For years we did this.  And then Caden asked for a watch.

Come teenage years, this personality trait that had once been difficult for exhausted parents became something that we admired greatly.  That boy was valiant until his last breath.

Silly to Sorrowful

Keilie has always done her own thing.  We laugh to remember the times where 3-year old Keilie lifted her chin defiantly and exclaimed, "That's ok, I like to starve," when we told her she wouldn't get any food if she didn't eat her dinner, and "That's ok, I like spankings," when she let us get to three.  She was going to do her own thing, no matter the consequences.

Come teenage years, this personality that we once thought so silly (yet difficult-- how do you discipline that?) has now become quite sorrowful.  We still do not know how to discipline, especially as we learn more and more about ADHD.  I'm reading more and more about how truly difficult it is for her to overcome her very nature, her mind that is always looking for stimulation, diversion, distraction, and excitement.  I can appreciate how hard it must be to recognize that the brain you have always had isn't grasping things the way it needs to, especially during years where you're trying out your wings and pushing the boundaries.

Caden and Keilie (the only kids we've had that made it to upper teenage years) haven't changed in their makeup or personalities, but how we view it sure has.  I'm struggling to know what to do, how to help, how to parent with patience right now.  It is a delicate dance that I feel all-together too tired and overwhelmed to stand up for.  If I'm being honest, if I had a choice, I'd probably not choose to attend the dance party right now. I'm here, at the Formal dance, in my sweats and a messy bun.  My mind still feels so broken.  I feel like maybe my kids aren't getting the best from me anymore, I'm just so tired and hurt and overwhelmed by my emotions still.  I'm truly terrified that I will never feel whole again.  

I hope that when my kids look back over their teenage years, they realize that I'm doing my best, that I only want the best for them, that I'm trying to give them life lessons at home to prepare them for real life, and that I'm still the cheerleader I have always been, screaming and cheering them on in all they want to do and accomplish.