Inception

Dreams have always been very vivid for me.  Even as a child, I remember having dreams that woke me in a panic, or felt so real they would stay with me for a long time.  For a short period of time when I was a teenager, I actually had dreams where I was "awake" and "seeing" people, although I knew I was dreaming.  I had my eyes open for a while, and would talk in real conversation to people that weren't there, but that I felt guilt if I started to close my eyes.  I knew it was a weird thing, feeling a deep sense of shame that it kept happening, but when it stopped happening, I just moved on.  I've never lost the feeling of weird those dreams gave me.

I've had a few dreams since marriage that we talk about often.  One where I stood up on the bed, stepped on Randy, broke our ceiling fan, and ended up falling off the bed when Randy rolled over.  I was literally woken from a dream by falling off the bed from a standing position.  I've screamed bloody murder and woke myself up.  I've "seen" people without having conversations.  I just have a very vivid brain when it comes to dreams.  This week has given me two new ones.

In one, Randy and I went to something that can only be described as a Puppy Farm.  There were different breeds of puppies all over the place.  Everywhere you looked, there was a puppy.  They were all the cutest little puppies, all wanting to go home with you.  We had our pick of the litter, as it were.  We both went to this "farm" just to look around, promising the other that we were not going to go home with a puppy.  We were just window shopping, if you will.  All those promises went out the window as we both found a puppy that we were sure the other would love.  I don't really remember the particular breeds that we each chose, but I do remember that they were different.  Both adorable, of course.  The dream went on for so long, each trying to convince the other that the puppy they had chosen would be perfect, that I feel in love with my own puppy.  I was sure that it would be perfect for our family.  When I woke up, the dream felt so real.  I almost wanted to look for our puppy.  I knew that it was only a dream, but I tell you, the feeling of loss is real, for me.  It had been so vivid for me, so real, that I seriously feel as if we should have a puppy right now.  I know we wont have a dog any time soon, but, wow, it feels as if I should have one now.  I miss the puppy of my dreams.

The most recent is one that has me pretty spooked.  In my actual dream, I was dreaming.  I saw the dream my dream-self was having.  It was a curious dream, one that had me feeling anxious- both dream-self and my true-self.  The dream's dream ended in a nightmare, scaring me awake in my dream, which then scared me awake in the real.  As I sat there in bed, heart pounding out of my chest, I realized what had happened.  The dream within a dream had felt as vivid as my real dreams do to me.  I had dreamt so deep in my dreams, that I actually felt the dream's dream.  Just like the movie with Leonardo Decaprio, I experienced a sort of inception.  A thought was not placed in my mind, or anything, but I had gone one step further in my dream.  And remember it fully, even still feeling the dregs of anxiety it caused me.  It just leaves me feeling a bit off.

My emotions have been quite manic these last few weeks.  It's no surprise that I am having a period of weird dreams/nightmares, however, it still makes me feel a little psycho.  I feel a loss for a puppy that does not even exist and I actually had a glimpse of something that only happens in a sci-fi movie.  It gives new meaning to the song, "I dreamed a dream..."