Confirmed

It is confirmed.  Caden still has Undifferentiated Embryonal Sarcoma of the Liver.  He has never truly been Cancer Free.  We meet with the team of doctors tomorrow to be given our options.

We expected this news, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It still feels like I have been stabbed in the gut.  With a flaming sword.  With a poisoned tip.

I sent an email to Sue last night at 11:04PM, telling her that we had been down the road where they waited until they had all of the answers before giving us any type of news.  We were not interested in waiting until they had every detail, we just wanted an idea as soon as she knew anything.  They gave us little snippets last time, things like, "It does show malignancy," and the such, so they knew it was cancer before they knew what kind it was.  We just wanted that kind of news as soon as possible.  She sent me an email response at 7:21AM saying that she had already checked with Pathology, that the news had not posted yet, but that she would check throughout the day and let us know the prognosis as soon as she could.  She even promised.  She is a great comfort to me.  And as it turns out, they had the exact diagnosis.  Mostly because they already had the samples from before.

My heart is broken.  But I feel a kind of peace, too.  I can only attribute this to the many, many prayers and fasts on our behalf.  Thank you all for that!  They are being heard by a loving Heavenly Father. 

I truly feel that I was given months of depression/PTSD to be able to handle this right now.  I struggled so hard for so long.  However, I had a sort of coming around a few weeks before we went in for that scan.  It was heaven to feel like myself again.  I was giddy with relief.  It's as if I had had time to come to grips with the scenario before it even truly happened.  I have not felt the anxiety and intense urge to run, like I felt at Brennon's ear-tube surgery, and many times after.  I have not felt the absolute despair I have felt the last few months.  I feel as if my mind is able to accept/process/handle more than I could since January.  I know my mind is in fight vs. flight mode with this all, but I had a turning around a few weeks prior to all of this.  I can look at the past months and be grateful that it happened sooner, rather than later- which is NOW!  I have been carried and strengthened for this outcome, for months.  It is a confirmation that He knows me.  He loves me.  That although things are hard, I have not been left alone.  It was my little nudge- the way Heavenly Father has always prepared me for hard things.

STUPID CANCER!!!

STUPID CANCER!!!

STUPID CANCER!!!